Boyfriend's past bother me. He's had a lot of sexual partners. Is this normal?

[SoleMate]

It's not so much that he has a past or even that he talks about it if asked.

 

It's that his values are grossly misaligned with:

 

* your values (you accept sex between two unmarried people with a close emotional relationship, but question numerous meaningless flings and ONS)

 

* his own behavior (he "values purity"??? ha ha, good one!)

 

He seems to have a very scattered incoherent approach to sexuality. In fact, his overall story makes so little sense I'm wondering if he might have ED or other sexual problems (interest in sex with men? e.g.) and is telling you cover stories out of his fear. Whatever, this isn't normal.

[samsungxoxo]

Wow that is so gross. My ex bf's past (he mainly had relationships) is no where close to the OP's bf's. I was also a virgin when he met me but he never went into specific vivid details of his relationships unless our relationship got deeper and I asked. I would've been totally grossed out with a man openly discussing his various sexual encounters.

 

Red Flags to me

1) 50 partners in your early 20's is way too much for the average man

2) Out of those 50 women he slept with, only 2 were gfs

3) Openly talks about it knowing she's a virgin

4) Expects her to wait for him until marrige...why???

5) He tells her he values purity? That seems like a creepy statement

 

To answer your question, no it's not normal.

Edited September 18, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[SarcasticAbby]

For the simple fact that he's your first boyfriend, my advice is to dump him and try out other avenues. Not necessarily sexually but I would never suggest marrying the first man you date. And second, what kind of @$$hole talks explicitly about his other trysts with his current girlfriend??? Dump him... You can do better!

[mercuryshadow]

So do people in relationships not talk about their past flings/girlfriends/boyfriends at all? I have no idea how other relationships work since this is my first.

 

So it IS unusual for him to talk about his past so openly? At first I thought it was fine since he was so honest with me, but what do I do? Do I tell him to stop? Wouldn't that make me look jealous though?

 

I guess I am naive, but I need some leeway here since he's my first boyfriend.

 

What do you guys do when your partner keeps mentioning the past?

 

No, people in relationships do absolutely NOT talk details about their past sexual encounters. I don't so much have a problem with his high #, as I do with him divulging details. He's probably extremely comfortable with it, or he may just be extremely comfortable with YOU... but that doesn't mean you need to silently suffer over it. Tell him you don't wish to hear details; that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

My FI and I have shared our numbers, but details would just be too much.

 

I don't want to go the route of saying this guy is no good, nor do I wish to judge him based on his # of partners. However, I'd like to see if he will respect your wishes to keep those intimate details to himself.

[Phantom888]

As stated, you two are not a good match. You need to experience more in life before you commit to a person. Retroactive Jealousy is common, and can destroy a relationship if both partners are not on the same page. If sexual past is a concern, you should find someone with less of a sexual past. Plenty of guys like that. You are young, so you have plenty of time to find the right fit. Don't dive in just yet. You have much to experience.

[samsungxoxo]

damn a 31 year-old man wanting to marry a virgin in her early 20's = creepy:sick:

 

if he had 50 partners when he was only 18 year old, then by now he must have doubled it = disgusting:sick:

 

Where are your parents? If I were in my early 20's and hanging out with a man like the OP's bf, neither of my parents would have been happy about it.

[StanMusial]

I don't know why he's blabbing all this to you. I guess people are just more forthcoming or sexually open these days. Weird.

[pteromom]

You really have to decide whether you can live with this. Remember, his values will come into play down the line if you marry and have children. He may end up the type of dad who encourages his son to go out and sow his oats, which is going to tear you up much more than knowing your boyfriend has a lot of past lovers.

 

Neither of you is right or wrong, but you don't seem to be a great match.

 

I know you haven't had sex, but have you talked about it? NOT his past, but what you want and expect sexually? What sex means to each of you? What you'd think about cheating? What sexual acts you want to try (or don't want to try?)

 

His past is a clue as to who he is, and you need to talk a lot more about sex, to see if you even have enough in common in that area to build a relationship on.

 

I would also tell him that hearing about his past sexual experiences makes you very uncomfortable and you do not want him talking to you about them anymore. If he can't respect that, it's a major red flag.

[FitChick]

Exactly how physically intimate have you two become? That might be informative. Maybe this is all a smokescreen and he is a virgin, inexperienced or dysfunctional. Have you seen and touched his penis and does he stay hard?

 

Do you know who his past girlfriends were? It would be interesting to talk to them.

[jonward]

http://www.pdf-archive.com/2013/10/05/slaying-the-dragon-partner-s-past/slaying-the-dragon-partner-s-past.pdf Edited October 5, 2013 by jonward

[charlietheginger]

He makes you feel like a piece of meat. Hes trolled bars

been in college dorm orgies, probably banged a few hookers

at a bachlor party or two. I bet this guy is probably the type

to cheat on you.

 

in otherwards he is a manwhore that banged everything in sight

now its time to settle down with you the good girl....

 

id leave this guy unless you want to be in the kitchen while

him and his buddies watch football in the livingroom talking

about all the girls they had sex with while youre bringing

them pretzels and beer...

[MalachiX]

I feel bad for your BF after all the responses on this thread.

 

Apparently, because he's been honest with you about having a higher than average number of sexual partners, he's now a:

 

-creep

-pervert

-sufferer of erectile disfuction

-virgin

-clown

-solicitor of prostitutes

-diseased.

[joethedatingguy]

i'm sure that number is exaggerated because if he was truly with that # of women he would not frely give out such information as it is very damaging to a relationship/psyche of a person who would ask such a question.

 

 

i cannot comment on his character however I can say that being concerned with this type of thing within a relationship is POISON.

 

its obssessive irrational thinking that has nothing to do with your partner.

 

let it go.

 

ifyou're happy with him you're happy. If you're not you're not.

 

act upon that accordingly.

 

 

<3 Joe.

[merxist]

I know I took a long, long time to reply to this post. But a lot of things have changed, good and bad.

 

After first posting this, I started showing sings that his past made me feel uncomfortable without saying anything directly. He got the point and stopped talking about it almost completely. When I would get curios and pry (even when it's none of my business) he would tell me he doesn't want to talk about it because it's disrespectful to me. A woman he used to sleep with right before he dated me, he cut off ties with her. Probably because she was annoying him, but also because he knows how I feel about that. He has been very respectful to me.

 

A few months ago, I had sex for the first time with him. It was great. I acknowledge that I'm very, VERY lucky to meet such a wonderful man for my first time dating ever. I know some people take years to find someone. We share a lot of the same values except... what I originally posted.

 

So finally after a year of dating, this problem still bugs me. I feel so foolish because it's his past and I can't change that. Besides, he's a great guy all around. I sat down with him about a week ago and told him how I really felt about his past. He didn't get angry, feel hurt or anything, he was very respectful about the whole thing. He kept asking if I really wanted to stay with him, I said yes.

 

Here's the problem, though, I actually feel worse after talking to him about. It's not about what he said, it's just that I seem to get more anxiety about this whole thing.

 

I want to get over it. I do. I'd be missing out with being with such a great guy, but this is really bugging me. I even thought about breaking up with him as foolish as that sounds.

 

I know some of you think I'm foolish, and I agree. I am. But I can't control these feelings of anxiety.

 

I mean, I talked to him hoping I'd feel better, but I feel worse

[BearMox]

I understand what you're feeling merxist. I can relate too.

 

The past isn't important unless it impacts the now -- its pretty natural to look at how somebody has been voting [in their past] to see what they are like, now.

 

If you judge people's past from the now you don't really improve your or their present.

 

Do catholics and atheists share a similar value system? Could a catholic and an atheist make good life partners? Probably not.

 

We don't often entertain potential mates that have a different value system to ours. Does his outlook on relationships and women make him a bad fit for you? Is it even part of your "deal breakers"?

 

In the end we decide what a deal breaker is in a relationship. If a different view on sex is a deal breaker then hopefully you have the courage to do what must be done rather than live with regret.

 

There seems to be two views on past lovers in marriage:

 

1) They are infractions that should be forgiven or

2) They have nothing to do with a marriage [are in the past].

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

There's a big gap between your ages and experiences. I would be concerned as it seems he's using you as an excuse to settle down with " a nice humble,wholesome & pure girl" he's probably thinking "hmmmm virgin, and no past!" Brilliant! You deserve a guy that had had either no sexual past or has been single for quite some time. In my mind, sexual flings is the same as having relationships because you're still engaging in intimacy even though it's objective. Think of all the moman he's objectified? In a way because you're the token virgin he's objectifying you. He's insensitive and you can do better.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I know I took a long, long time to reply to this post. But a lot of things have changed, good and bad.

 

After first posting this, I started showing sings that his past made me feel uncomfortable without saying anything directly. He got the point and stopped talking about it almost completely. When I would get curios and pry (even when it's none of my business) he would tell me he doesn't want to talk about it because it's disrespectful to me. A woman he used to sleep with right before he dated me, he cut off ties with her. Probably because she was annoying him, but also because he knows how I feel about that. He has been very respectful to me.

 

A few months ago, I had sex for the first time with him. It was great. I acknowledge that I'm very, VERY lucky to meet such a wonderful man for my first time dating ever. I know some people take years to find someone. We share a lot of the same values except... what I originally posted.

 

So finally after a year of dating, this problem still bugs me. I feel so foolish because it's his past and I can't change that. Besides, he's a great guy all around. I sat down with him about a week ago and told him how I really felt about his past. He didn't get angry, feel hurt or anything, he was very respectful about the whole thing. He kept asking if I really wanted to stay with him, I said yes.

 

Here's the problem, though, I actually feel worse after talking to him about. It's not about what he said, it's just that I seem to get more anxiety about this whole thing.

 

I want to get over it. I do. I'd be missing out with being with such a great guy, but this is really bugging me. I even thought about breaking up with him as foolish as that sounds.

 

 

 

I know some of you think I'm foolish, and I agree. I am. But I can't control these feelings of anxiety.

 

I mean, I talked to him hoping I'd feel better, but I feel worse

 

 

 

You let yourself have sex with this guy & you didn't hold on to your purity what happened there? Honestly I would still dump him, if you can't get over his past experience s then I would run. Others would percieve that as judging, but there's no way of getting over that. I've only had 4 sexual partners. If a guy I dated had 50 I'd think he'd have some sexual addiction & wouldn't be into it.

[Strength in Healing]

I don't understand why guys think a high number is good.

 

I've worked hard to keep my number low. I am 27 now and my number is below

10. It saddens me when people brag about high numbers. I brag about keeping mine low...

[bubbaganoosh]

Tell you a little secret about guys and yes I'm a guy. There are guys out there that like to brag about their "conquests".

 

Now in quite a few cases half of these conquests are either a line of bull $h!t or a lot of these women were his right or left hand.

 

Take the number he claims, divide by half, then half again and subtract what ever number you want and you might find some truth.

 

Lord, in my younger days I could talk up a story and that's what it was.

 

One other thing, if he continues to make a fool out of himself, then ask him if he's had so conquests in his life, then why isn't he better in the sack. That should cool his ass for a while.

[preraph]

It is perfectly normal at his age to have that many partners, in my opinion. But do not delude yourself that your purity is going to turn him into Mr. Faithful, because it won't. Likely, if he sticks around at all, it would be to take advantage of your innocense and naivity to cheat right under your nose.

 

You and this guy have nothing in common. He's too mature for you. You will only get hurt here. Stick with guys a bit nearer your own age for now.

[Conners]

I started dating my ex when he was 18 and he had been with 25 girls. Fml.

He was completely loyal to me however. He said he was a hoe when he was single because he could be but when he is in a relationship he is as loyal as possible.

 

I don't know OP. I went to uni with a girl when I was 18 and she was also 18 and she told me she had been with 70 guys but she said she would settle if the right guy came along.

[ja123]

I would NEVER bring up my past sexual partners or experiences unless the girl I'm dating asked about it first.

 

 

If he were a real gentleman, he wouldn't be openly blabbing about his previous sexual exploits. That's gross, tacky, and demeaning to you.

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

OP, I'd be surprised if this guy would remain faithful in an LTR. It seems like he needs a lot of validation.

 

 

As other posters have said, too, you're values don't align.

 

 

Plus, he has the upper-hand to manipulate you due to the age gap. Keep your eyes open.

 

 

Cut him off and move on.

 

 

Check out the site baggagereclaim - she has a lot of good advice!!!

[hoping2heal]

I would be very turned off by the number of sex partners. Someone mentioned retroactive jealousy; in my case that would not be the problem.

 

I would think someone like that 1. Has intimacy issues and 2. objectifies women // sex // maybe both?