merxist Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 This is the first boyfriend I've ever had. I'm 22, he's 31. He's had close to 50 sexual partners since he was 18. He thinks it's completely normal. I was raised in a very strict old fashioned household, so this number shocks me. He talks about his past so openly to me. Sometimes he goes into specifics of what he's done, who he's done it with, etc. There was this one girl he was talking to when we were together for the first two months who I thought they were just friends, but turns out he had sex with her a couple of times before he met me because he felt sorry for her for having certain medical conditions. So he slept with her. This bothers me a lot even though it's the past and he stopped talking to her a few months ago because he had his own problems to deal with. He's had only two girlfriends in the past, the rest were flings. The thing is, his past girlfriends don't bother me when he talks about them. What bothers me is all the random people he's had sex with. Is this normal? Should I just move on? Should I keep listening when he talks about his past relationships so openly? He's a very honest guy, that's why he's so open. Call me old-fashioned, but it kind of grosses me out he's had so many flings. I think it's immoral. How do I get over this? And how can I if he talks about it so openly? I've had NO partners, not even dated one guy before, so I don't know what it's like to have past relationships. Perhaps this is the problem? Everything else about him is perfect. He's such a sweet guy, but this is just the one thing that bothers me. I never went to a four year college. I went to a technical school. So he thinks that I've never had the "opportunity" like in dorms or frat parties to go out and go crazy with my life. That somehow this justifies his lifestyle. Or am I really that naive? This really goes against my values and beliefs. I have no problems whatsoever if he's had sex with his girlfriends because these are women that he loved at some point. I just think it's so immoral and wrong to do it with so many random people. He wants to have kids with me, but I don't want to spread that sort of message to them when they grow older, but he doesn't care about things like that. This is very important to me, though. He also wants to wait until we get married to have sex because he values my purity so much. I just want to get over his past, but I can't help thinking about it. Should I just learn to cope with it? I'd hate to break up with him just over this. I feel like I need a way to learn how to cope. I have no past, so it's hard for me. This is all so very new.
RedRobin Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) You are young. You can do better than this guy. Let him go find someone else who has a similar past as him to have a family with if that's what he wants. Him being honest about all this is nice... but in a way, he's also asking for 'permission' and laying the groundwork for the inevitable excuses that surely must follow when he decides he needs more variety again... Except you'll be nice and locked in by then, maybe saddled with a few kids and stuck putting up with his BS. Cut him loose, is my advice. Edited September 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 6
CarrieT Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 You are experiencing retroactive jealousy and there is nothing you can do to get over it. You are who you are and you need to find someone with the same type of history and moral caliber as you; everyone else will simply cause you too many problems. 4
FitChick Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 He is your first boyfriend. You need to date all sorts of guys before you decide who to marry. Sounds like he has a Madonna-Whore Complex. He can whore around but YOU must be pure when you marry him. 4
SJC2008 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I don't care as much about age gaps as I used to but yalls age gap concerns me because he's your first BF. Also, I don't know how he can go from being with so many women to wanting to wait until marriage. Sounds like a strange situation. My recommendation would be to date a younger guy and don't date for marriage at such a young age. The "turning point" age for women on average is 24 and 30 for men. Date around, learn about yoursel and what you need in a relationship. 1
mario_C Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 If I may be blunt, he may be excited about having a virgin. This is normal, but as far as having a relationship, it can be tough if you have no experience and your partner has tons of experience. Really tough. If him being very sexual is a problem for you then you need to either reconcile this or move on. Someone wrote a book about that scenario, I hear...
crederer Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Well...that's a lot of partners, but you should tell him you don't care to hear about all his previous escapades. It's kind of weird he knows to that degree of accuracy how many partners he has, though. I've had less than 15 but I certainly would lose track if the number was getting that high. It could be possible that he's exaggerating and trying to sound like a desirable person (but doing it wrong, evidently).
mesmerized Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Girl, you are way too naive. He's been with so many people AND he openly talks about it while he values your purity??? eff that noise. He is completely disrespecting you by openly talking about his past details and being a hypocrite. You can do better. 8
Author merxist Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 So do people in relationships not talk about their past flings/girlfriends/boyfriends at all? I have no idea how other relationships work since this is my first. So it IS unusual for him to talk about his past so openly? At first I thought it was fine since he was so honest with me, but what do I do? Do I tell him to stop? Wouldn't that make me look jealous though? I guess I am naive, but I need some leeway here since he's my first boyfriend. What do you guys do when your partner keeps mentioning the past?
crederer Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 All relationships are different. It comes up from time to time but I've had to tell an ex before "babe, I know you have a past, but I don't particularly feel like hearing all the specific details about it." 1
mesmerized Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 So do people in relationships not talk about their past flings/girlfriends/boyfriends at all? I have no idea how other relationships work since this is my first. So it IS unusual for him to talk about his past so openly? At first I thought it was fine since he was so honest with me, but what do I do? Do I tell him to stop? Wouldn't that make me look jealous though? I guess I am naive, but I need some leeway here since he's my first boyfriend. What do you guys do when your partner keeps mentioning the past? Some do, some don't. Most smart people don't unless they make sure their partner is OK with it. Given you have no experience before him, it's rude and cruel of him to keep talking about his past flings as if it's a badge of honor for him. Don't marry this douche. 6
Eivuwan Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I don't think the problem is how much he talks about his past but your differing views on sexuality.
Author merxist Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 I don't think the problem is how much he talks about his past but your differing views on sexuality. I think this is an excellent point. Yes, I do have a BIG differing view since I think it's absolutely wrong to do something like that. But how do I get past this is what I want to know? Or is there no hope for things like this since we're talking about my morals and values?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 You don't have to get past it. You have totally different value systems. I don't think this is a match. Find a partner who's on your wavelength - someone who's also a virgin or who has only had sex in committed relationships. You'll understand each other much better, and you won't feel the need to contort your mind around behavior that's polar opposite from your own. 4
sickpuppy Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Why does this guy feel the need to keep talking about his past "honestly" to you O.P? Sounds like this dude is trying to emotionally beat you down and you are seen as his next notch. Think of it this way: Would you like it or would he like it if someone told you how rich they were knowing you or he didn't have much? Yet kept going on about it just to be "honest"? This dude is a clown shoe. You may have feelings for him but this guy is seriously trying to make you feel like sht and use his past experience to "lower" your status in this "relationship". Leave this clown. Let him humble brag to some girl who's had more partners than he has. His mind is diseased. The choice is yours. You'll feel even worse in the end if you wind up marrying this piece of garbage. Tell him he can add another notch to his belt when you tell him to go fvk himself. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Let him go. Not for your sake, but for his. It isn't fair to him. As for discussing sexual past, my man and I have talked about ours. Not specific numbers, but still, I know his number is well above mine, and mine is pretty high. He isn't a bad person. If you can't get over it you can't. So end it. I feel bad for you more than anything, missing out on someone just because you can't get over their sexual past.
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Another thing, don't want to hear about his past? TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. There is a healthy way to ask him to not divulge so much info... TALK. Easy.
sickpuppy Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 On second thought you might find his high partner count a great quality. You know...A "real man"..all those partners must mean so many women wanted him and he's such a great catch. Or find an even better "real man" who's had just as many and has prison to add to his resume. that "real man" could've even been more experienced taking it in his poo-shooter! Maybe even done as many drugs as he could..yet can still function "normally". Only "real men" like that will get your friends jealous of your great catch. Who cares? Who are we to judge? LMAO
ExpatInItaly Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 So do people in relationships not talk about their past flings/girlfriends/boyfriends at all? I have no idea how other relationships work since this is my first. So it IS unusual for him to talk about his past so openly? At first I thought it was fine since he was so honest with me, but what do I do? Do I tell him to stop? Wouldn't that make me look jealous though? I guess I am naive, but I need some leeway here since he's my first boyfriend. What do you guys do when your partner keeps mentioning the past? OP, did you ask him to share these details? If not, it's a little odd that he wants to tell you about all of it. It comes across as bragging which is disrespectful to you. I'd be wary, only because you seem to have such different perspectives on sex. How long have you been together, and what do you have in common?
Sugarless Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Ignorance is bliss, really. You now know that certain things are best left off unsaid. If he told you all of that on his own you should talk to him about it and tell him it makes you uncomfortable. No problem with being jealous. I believe this is the kind of thing you either accept and deal with it, or make it a deal breaker. Like others have said you should be cautious of his behavior if he is the type that likes to brag, but leaving him because you have a different history... Really? It all comes down to you. (I'm not saying you shouldn't take note of it in the back of your mind) The only advice I can give you is: Does it troubles you too much or is it only a minor inconvenience ?
BradJacobs Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 This is the first boyfriend I've ever had. I'm 22, he's 31. He's had close to 50 sexual partners since he was 18. He thinks it's completely normal. I was raised in a very strict old fashioned household, so this number shocks me. He talks about his past so openly to me. Sometimes he goes into specifics of what he's done, who he's done it with, etc. There was this one girl he was talking to when we were together for the first two months who I thought they were just friends, but turns out he had sex with her a couple of times before he met me because he felt sorry for her for having certain medical conditions. So he slept with her. This bothers me a lot even though it's the past and he stopped talking to her a few months ago because he had his own problems to deal with. He's had only two girlfriends in the past, the rest were flings. The thing is, his past girlfriends don't bother me when he talks about them. What bothers me is all the random people he's had sex with. Is this normal? Should I just move on? Should I keep listening when he talks about his past relationships so openly? He's a very honest guy, that's why he's so open. Call me old-fashioned, but it kind of grosses me out he's had so many flings. I think it's immoral. How do I get over this? And how can I if he talks about it so openly? I've had NO partners, not even dated one guy before, so I don't know what it's like to have past relationships. Perhaps this is the problem? Everything else about him is perfect. He's such a sweet guy, but this is just the one thing that bothers me. I never went to a four year college. I went to a technical school. So he thinks that I've never had the "opportunity" like in dorms or frat parties to go out and go crazy with my life. That somehow this justifies his lifestyle. Or am I really that naive? This really goes against my values and beliefs. I have no problems whatsoever if he's had sex with his girlfriends because these are women that he loved at some point. I just think it's so immoral and wrong to do it with so many random people. He wants to have kids with me, but I don't want to spread that sort of message to them when they grow older, but he doesn't care about things like that. This is very important to me, though. He also wants to wait until we get married to have sex because he values my purity so much. I just want to get over his past, but I can't help thinking about it. Should I just learn to cope with it? I'd hate to break up with him just over this. I feel like I need a way to learn how to cope. I have no past, so it's hard for me. This is all so very new. Actions of today > talk of past. He's willing to wait because of you and for you. That's noble. I couldn't do it.
Blastoplast Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I would NEVER bring up my past sexual partners or experiences unless the girl I'm dating asked about it first.
Revolver Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 The vast majority of men won't have 50 sexual partners in their lifetimes much less at 31. So no....its not normal
waiting4u Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 OP, I don't think you need to break up with him - and it's funny how that tends to be people's usual advice. "Run! Red Flag!" Everybody relax. I think some of what you are experiencing with this guy is not unusual. A lot of people are just more sexual than others. This guy sounds like he was a player and you have somehow reformed him, which does happen. Have you seen that movie Crazy Stupid Love with Ryan Gosling? I don't know why he feels the need to tell you all the details, but it might just be insecurity - perhaps he thinks you need to see how women desire him. They say women sleep around when they have a low opinion of themselves, but I think it goes both ways. Maybe he has figured out that sex didn't make him feel any better about himself and he's changed? People grow up - some later than others. I would just frankly tell him you think it's gross to hear him talk about it. And you are pretty young, so I would wait a couple years to get married. Make sure he's serious.
worldgonewrong Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 If he were a real gentleman, he wouldn't be openly blabbing about his previous sexual exploits. That's gross, tacky, and demeaning to you. 2
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