lindsay1990 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) Hi all, I met my ex on a dating site in May of 2012, emailed daily until I moved to his town in August 2012 for Master's Degree (this is why I looked up people in his location, ha). We dated for 10 months from September '12 to July '13, and had an EXTREMELY nasty and bitter break up, after which I moved back to my home country. It has been 64 days since BU. 41 days since I last saw him, after shouting, fighting as he left me at bus stop of town we lived in, for me to leave. No goodbyes or anything. 10 days after I left however, he sent me a message stating he "loved me" (I took to mean he didn't hate me/was guilty about nastiness/declining my begging), but also that "he wished me only the best" and bid me good travels and basically a good life. I replied angrily to this however this is for another thread. My question is: - As for grace and etiquette, should it all be damned at this point and join the site again to meet someone else, or more specifically, my self-esteem took a massive blow through the break up and would love some attention, flirting, possibilities, etc. and to take my mind of that one guy and lift my spirits a bit. - From his sentiments of wishing me the best, I gather that he reached the point of indifference we all hope for. Where you have no hard feelings for the ex, and genuinely care and wish them well in all their endeavours, including finding love. So, I feel he reached the point where he would not be affected and I am not doing it to get his attention. In fact, I have a little embarrassment of thinking he might find me months later and I am 'still searching' for a special someone. Basically, I just don't want to be humiliated any further because I feel he pities me enough already : / But I don't really see myself being able to face him again. So??? Is it too soon? Or for the wrong reasons that I am doing this? I don't expect him to see me there as my location has changed, and he seems to be doing pretty well and at the time of break up said he was going to focus on his grad school work for a bit and recovering from the toll of our relationship. ¬¬ Anyway, I am focusing on other things (applying for jobs) and feel I am processing rationally the break up, although the sadness and humiliation are far from gone. I don't think I will ever feel indifferent towards him, because I am too humiliated so I don't know what to wait for as my 'marker' that I'm good to go on the site again. Thank you. p.s. it is this particular dating site, not another, because it is targeted to members of our religion, so I can't really consider going to another. Will change username and everything obviously! What do you guys think? He seems to be fine (no contact since, for 31 days) right? So it will not be attention grabbing? Should I really *wait* until I truly am indifferent? Edited September 17, 2013 by lindsay1990
hotpotato Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 You are single and free to do as you please. If you want to be on that dating site, by all means do. If you are still so focused on your ex, it may not be best to jump into a relationship though. I would keep it casual.
Author lindsay1990 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Thank you hotpotato you are right. It's not as much as feeling like cheatin gor held back, it is more the embarrassment. So, my question is more precisely: How do I cope with the embarrassment over him maaaaaybe seeing me there? It might sound silly but ya know. Do you think he will pity me because he is at such a good place?
J21 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Don't put so much thought into what he will think because it matters not. There is no shame in "searching for a special someone". We are all looking for that special someone, so why should there be any embarrassment? Plus, the only way he would find you is if he is on the exact same site searching for the same. You have to do what you have to do to move on. If you do come across his profile, I would probably block him as most dating sites have the option to do so. As far as timing/seriousness of dating someone new, only you can answer that question. But to me, it seems like you are looking for a rebound ("my self-esteem took a massive blow through the break up and would love some attention, flirting, possibilities, etc. and to take my mind of that one guy and lift my spirits a bit"). My advice is if you are still having thoughts of your ex, take a little bit more time off to recoup before jumping into anything serious so soon. It would be unfair to meet someone new who is looking forward to starting a serious relationship while you are still mentally struggling to let go of your ex. Good luck. 2
StyleOnEm Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 It doesn't matter what he thinks. You are not in a relationship/friends with him. Besides, wouldn't it be hypocritical if he judged you being on the dating site, since he'd have to be registered on that dating site to see you also? Your main priority is to focus on yourself, always. And plus, who says he's in such a good place anyway? It's easy to cover up your true emotions through social media/letters. Bottom line, a real relationship is about two people who love each other for who they are, without judgement. If you feel he might judge you for anything, that just means he wasn't the right one for you. 1
Author lindsay1990 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Thank you all. You are right that it doesn't matter what he thinks. And it is very true that if he would judge me, he wasn't right for me - and judge he did, wit his friends and family during our three weeks living together after the break up before I moved out. They completely villainized me, ganged up against me, scrutinized and psycho-analized me.
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