Am I doing the right thing?

[HereWeGoAgain1]

Hi all, first post here. It's gonna be a bit of a big post...sorry.

 

So about 6 weeks ago the girl who I thought was the one decided to leave me, saying she thought I was amazing and lovely but she just didn't love me anymore.

 

We'd been together for 8 months, not a huge amount of time but for the most part it was great, no arguments, got on well with her friends and family.

 

We talked everyday and everything seemed fine. She took a short holiday to Ireland for two weeks to see family. I couldn't go with her due to work but despite the expensive phone calls we spoke every day and we seemed better than ever.

 

On the day she got back I said I would come down and see her and we arranged a time, just as I was getting in my car I got a text saying she was tired and didn't want to meet up after all...which didn't feel great seeing as I hadn't seen her for two weeks.

 

So I went down the next day and for the first hour we were fine, then she just went really quiet on me and wouldn't speak to me at all, even around her family, it was really embarrassing and I ended up walking out. We talked on Facebook and she said she didn't think it was working out. Blindsided I said I'd drive back to hers (an hour trip) so we could talk face to face.

 

When I got there she just said it wasn't working and she didn't want to do it anymore as she didn't think we clicked and I was miserable a lot (I'd been having trouble with work and other issues...but more on that later). Naturally in my emotional state I begged and pleaded but she knocked me back in every which way. She said that if we stayed together she'd likely end up cheating on me. She said she'd been talking to her ex (who walked out of her life over a year ago and disappeared off the face of the earth for 3 months and never said a thing to her). Obviously I asked her if they were getting back together but she said she never would even though the love she felt for him at the time was greater than what she felt for me, she said that if she did ever get involved with him again it'd only be to deliberately hurt him after what he did to her, but she realised that was childish and silly so wouldn't.

 

So we parted ways.

 

I immediately went into NC, even when she text me the next day to apologise and tell me about some test results we'd been waiting for (sexual health scare...all negative thankfully) I ignored it. I haven't said a word to her since nor has she contacted me. Facebook and numbers have gone too and we live an hour away from each other so no risk of bumping in to her. It's been really hard to be NC but I've forced myself to do it no matter what.

 

I'm still pretty heartbroken and I do miss her a lot but I'm moving more into the phase of acceptance as time goes on. Part of me thinks that the cheating thing and talking about her ex were ways of just making me hate her a bit so I'd give up as she knows I can be pretty persistent. Plus it's hard to believe she'd go back to him considering A: He royally screwed her up and B: He's lost all of his hair (j/k but well, you never know how someone would feel about that). The thing is I can't rule out the possibility that she might have just been trying to make herself look good so she may have gone back to him.

 

Now the reason I've come here is because on Saturday it's her birthday and way way back I commissioned her favourite artist to create a piece for her. It arrived today.

 

I really want to send it to her and I've written a letter which I've been working on for weeks. It's gone from begging and I love you's to more closure and updating her on how I've been and a few apologies for some things that happened. It's changed a lot since I've come to terms with the break up.

 

You see I didn't realise this but throughout our relationship and sometime before I'd been suffering from severe depression and social anxiety. Her leaving me made me totally lose it and I went to a doctor and have been receiving counselling ever since which has greatly helped. I always used to say to her that I never felt quite like myself for some reason and looking back, all of the things she complained about were the result of my depression. For example when we'd go to parties and I'd be shy and awkward when a year ago I'd be bouncing off the walls and not caring what people thought. She'd do something funny and I wouldn't laugh despite wanting to. I knew at the time something was wrong but figured it was just getting older or something, not until I got help did I realise that this was all depression related, and I'd been so head over heels for her and blinded by the relationship that I didn't spot the signs of unhappiness in her as a result. She started dating a fun stable guy who soon turned into a miserable guy with no job. The sad thing is, she thought that was just who I was...and I did too until she broke up with me and I got help.

 

So yeah, I want to send the letter along with the gift, in no way do I mention that I want to get back with her, I just say that she was right to do it and I now understand why and what I've done to fix it. I'm apologising for being clingy and needy but then also explain why that was out of character for me and why it happened. I've told her that I've been getting help and how much things have improved with work and life etc. I kinda end the letter on a maybe one day we'll catch up again but make it sound like distant future. I also explain in the letter that the gift isn't a romantic gesture or anything, just it'd make me happy to send it...which in total truthfulness it would. I also call her out on a few things she did wrong too as well, but not in a nasty way, just I don't want to seem like I'm still seeing her as this perfect being, as now I've had time to think...I know she isn't.

 

Now I've read millions of threads on this forum about not sending letters under any circumstance but I really feel I need to do this for my own sake. I'm not happy with the dribbling mess being the last thing she ever saw. I won't lie, it'd be great if somehow it helped us get back together but I'm prepared to accept that it probably won't but at least I'll know I did all I could rather than nothing and well it might paint me in a slightly better light for the future should we ever meet up again.

 

I'm just the kind of guy who relies on structured events to progress, so I kinda feel like I need this weekend to happen whether the outcome be good or bad in order to stick a stake in the ground and get on with stuff.

 

So it's all packaged up and has the address written on it? I REALLY feel like I need to do this to move on but is it the right thing to do? Other than my counsellor (who isn't really allowed to tell me to do one thing or the other) I don't really have anyone to talk to about this so it's hard to reason outside of my own head.

 

The whole situation kinda sucks because had I realised how bad I was sooner, maybe none of this would have ever happened.

Edited September 17, 2013 by HereWeGoAgain1

[reddragon588]

You brushed over it, but to me it sounds like it potentially could have played into this. You don't have to explain it, but when you call something a sexual health "scare"... There is probably a possibility it played a role.

[HereWeGoAgain1]

You brushed over it, but to me it sounds like it potentially could have played into this. You don't have to explain it, but when you call something a sexual health "scare"... There is probably a possibility it played a role.

 

She basically kept getting thrush and it kept coming back worse each time but I had proof I was clean as I'd been tested just before we met.

 

She got a test as she'd never had one before just to be sure she'd not gotten something from a previous relationship that could be causing it, even though it was unlikely she felt it was worth ruling out.

[Ireallydontknow]

Don't give her the gift, don't send that letter. The day you broke up is the day she died.

[HereWeGoAgain1]

Don't give her the gift, don't send that letter. The day you broke up is the day she died.

 

I keep reading that same advice, over and over again, but surely that can't be the advice for EVERY circumstance?

 

She left me because she actually thought I was one kind of person when it was an illness which was massively affecting my behaviour.

 

She's also pretty stubborn and prideful and I suspect she's probably carrying some guilt for the way she just dropped me like that, well I'd like to think so anyway. There could be a very very very slight possibility she thinks I hate her. How do I not know that this letter could re-open a door?

 

I'm not trying to dig my heals in but I'd at least like to know the reasons why I shouldn't send it.

Edited September 17, 2013 by HereWeGoAgain1

[Ireallydontknow]

I keep reading that same advice, over and over again, but surely that can't be the advice for EVERY circumstance?

 

She left me because she actually thought I was one kind of person when it was an illness which was massively affecting my behaviour.

 

She's also pretty stubborn and prideful and I suspect she's probably carrying some guilt for the way she just dropped me like that, well I'd like to think so anyway. There could be a very very very slight possibility she thinks I hate her. How do I not know that this letter could re-open a door?

 

I'm not trying to dig my heals in but I'd at least like to know the reasons why I shouldn't send it.

 

So in 6 weeks you are cured of depression? Who knows what, was what? I was given the same crap too. She will say anything. Have some pride man. Change for YOURSELF, not for some girl. So if you knew the answer, why ask? Are you hoping for the one person to come on here and be like "Dude it man!"

[Sparkle304]

"I'm moving more into the phase of acceptance as time goes on"

 

If you want to continue along this path of acceptance, you must accept the fact that she no longer wants you in her life. It hurts to realize this - most of us on this thread understand how painful this truth is.

 

We're only trying to save you from further heartbreak. But you've convinced yourself that you MUST send her the picture and letter. If you believe that this is best path to follow than you should do it. However, you must brace yourself for the consequences........this means she will likely reject you....again. Why???

 

Now brace yourself as this may be harsh.....

 

Why will she reject you again? Because......

 

#1- she has made no significant contact with you since the BU = she doesn't

want to hear from you

 

#2 - the very fact that she broke up with you = she doesn't want you in her

life

 

#3 - if she had the balls to break up with you then she has the balls to

contact you even if she's feeling guilty, or is stubborn or prideful

 

 

So if you're still not convinced, send the gift and the letter. Nothing worse can happen that hasn't already occurred, right? (Well, except that you're giving her the power and opportunity to hurt you...again).

 

Trust me, I know this is a difficult time!!! I'm there myself........

 

Keep posting.......

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

I saw give her the gift. And when you do not get the response your seeking, you will return to the devastating pain. Clearly you are trying to control a situation of which you have no control.

 

And you need another kick in the gut to remember. Suffering is most peoples only teacher.

[StyleOnEm]

Contrary to popular beliefs, you should send that letter/package to her.

 

Do it.

 

It sounds like it will provide closure, and you will get a lot of things off your chest which is a good thing.

 

Just don't expect a positive response, or a response at all.

 

Expect the worst and you'll never be blindsided.

 

It's going to be a bumpy ride.

[Ireallydontknow]

There is no closure in a break up. Even after being cheated on I feel like there is so much more I could of said or done. It's just the brain trying to keep a connection.

[lovelylilly]

It's completely up to you to send the painting and letter, but think about it hard. You've gone this far without contact and probably feel a lot better than day one. Trust me on this, if you send her the letter and picture and she doesn't give any response, it's going to hurt. Imagine breaking an arm and when it is halfway healed you test it out and break it again. I know it's hard, I've been there before. I hope this helped, sorry for being so melancholy . Sending good thoughts your way, best wishes!

[HereWeGoAgain1]

Well tomorrow is the sending day if it's going to arrive on time.

 

I do think you're all right in that I'm failing to accept the fact that she just doesn't care anymore.

 

I feel however that this never ending feeling of false hope which I've created entirely in my own mind isn't going to end.

 

So as mad as it sounds I kinda feel like I need the painful rejection this will cause in order to really make it 100% final. I don't feel I can do that on thought alone.

 

As for me being cured of depression in 6 weeks...no of course not, but the counselling I have had has helped me make some huge improvements already. I can't express in words how different I feel already.

[HereWeGoAgain1]

Well the package arrived at her place at 11am. She signed for it (can see the sig on the tracking site).

 

I know she has work on fridays from 1pm until 5pm but it's now 8pm and I haven't heard a thing.

 

It's not her actual birthday until tomorrow so maybe she's waiting til then to open it.

 

But it's quite likely it's been processed and ignored just as I thought. Although to be fair if she deleted my number, without Facebook cos she's blocked, there's really no way for her to get in touch with me (we never emailed each other at any point) I also said in the letter that I didn't mind if she didn't contact me. Either way, I'm kinda pleased she hasn't got back to me, I doubt she'd say anything I wanna hear. I think the most hurtful thing would be if she returns it but I told her to just hide it or give it away if she didn't want it.

 

Think that's all I really need to be honest. I think now I can appreciate that she really doesn't care anymore and it truly is time to let go, I just feel better having had the chance to say some stuff I really needed to say.

 

Sad, but I guess that's just the way it goes.

Edited September 20, 2013 by HereWeGoAgain1

[Ireallydontknow]

So? What did we learn? Now she has free art! Giving exes free stuff = bad!

[HereWeGoAgain1]

So? What did we learn? Now she has free art! Giving exes free stuff = bad!

 

Yup, that seems to be the way it is. I know you all told me this but I felt I had to try, I don't think I coulda coped if I hadn't have tried.

 

It's been a full 24 hours now since she got that parcel and no reply.

 

I sent a single text saying "happy birthday" this morning, no reply to that either yet.

 

I'll no doubt be a little angry for the rest of the day but it feels like the ultimate closure that I needed in my head so I'm looking forward to getting on with life.

 

I think the most despairing thing is how someone can be like this. It's shocking the way the true colours of a person can come out in this way. No matter what relationship I've been in, if an dumpee has contacted me, I've always been polite and cordial no matter how bad things were.

 

Back to NC for me but the great thing is it doesn't feel like an active no contact, it just feels like normal living without that person.

[HereWeGoAgain1]

I said my story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/425453-am-i-doing-right-thing

 

I'd sent a present and a letter to my ex for her Birthday as a way of closure to me. I'd started to get a little angry cos I hadn't a reply but I'd also prepared for that scenario. In the off chance she'd deleted my number I sent her a Happy Birthday text saying just simply "Happy Birthday".

 

I just got this as a reply:

 

"Heya I haven't really known what to say because I've been in shock really...I love my beautiful lunar hare he is sitting on my shelf and I've changed his positions twice cos he's so lovely! I really appreciate what you said in the letter, I cried and laughed when I was reading it x I am so pleased things are working out, everything sounds awesome and the app looks really good I went on it the other day. I'm not back with Colin and I don't want to get back with him. x This is a kinda long message and I must go get the house ready...still having a bit of a party tonight but there's only a few people coming, still dressing up as Lady Gaga though lol. Anyways thank you and I will reply to you properly but I was just kinda overwhelmed by such a beautiful present, lovely letter and sheepy card x"

 

To fill in the blanks, the lunar hare was her present. The app is to do with me because I'm an app developer. Colin is the guy I thought she'd gone GIGS for and sheepy is just a private joke between us.

 

I replied with:

 

"That's ok. I'm pleased you like him, I know it was a bit over the top considering the circumstances. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you but as I said in my letter I respect your wishes. I hope the party goes great. Take care x.

 

I need help. This is not what I was expecting. I was looking for a "go f*ck yourself" or "yeah I'm with Colin" or just silence.

[lauri]

I said my story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/425453-am-i-doing-right-thing

 

I'd sent a present and a letter to my ex for her Birthday as a way of closure to me. I'd started to get a little angry cos I hadn't a reply but I'd also prepared for that scenario. In the off chance she'd deleted my number I sent her a Happy Birthday text saying just simply "Happy Birthday".

 

I just got this as a reply:

 

"Heya I haven't really known what to say because I've been in shock really...I love my beautiful lunar hare he is sitting on my shelf and I've changed his positions twice cos he's so lovely! I really appreciate what you said in the letter, I cried and laughed when I was reading it x I am so pleased things are working out, everything sounds awesome and the app looks really good I went on it the other day. I'm not back with Colin and I don't want to get back with him. x This is a kinda long message and I must go get the house ready...still having a bit of a party tonight but there's only a few people coming, still dressing up as Lady Gaga though lol. Anyways thank you and I will reply to you properly but I was just kinda overwhelmed by such a beautiful present, lovely letter and sheepy card x"

 

To fill in the blanks, the lunar hare was her present. The app is to do with me because I'm an app developer. Colin is the guy I thought she'd gone GIGS for and sheepy is just a private joke between us.

 

I replied with:

 

"That's ok. I'm pleased you like him, I know it was a bit over the top considering the circumstances. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you but as I said in my letter I respect your wishes. I hope the party goes great. Take care x.

 

I need help. This is not what I was expecting. I was looking for a "go f*ck yourself" or "yeah I'm with Colin" or just silence.

 

I would have not responded until I saw her more detailed letter. Let's see what she has to say but proceed with extreme caution...you need to not be so available for her so fast. I worry bc she is single now she may try to talk to you because she is lonely and bored...as a way to get over her ex.

[TaraMaiden]

Easy.

You've eased yourself nicely into her 'friend-zone'.

 

She has no intention of ever going out with you again, but she will happily have you as her best guy buddy.

After all, you buy her gifts, talk nice and know her so well.

Enjoy.

 

(Are you actually ready to be her best guy buddy,and watch her go out with other guys? Somehow, I doubt it.)

[Ginsan]

"No matter what relationship I've been in, if an dumpee has contacted me, I've always been polite and cordial no matter how bad things were."

 

 

 

I am sorry about what you are going through.

 

But if I am the dumper and 100% sure that there is zero possibility of getting back together with the dumpee, I will ignore any contact from him to avoid creating a false hope on his end. Giving the dumpee a false hope is much more cruel and makes the dumpee's healing process a more difficult one. Therefore, I don't think it necessarily means that she is "rude". It's just my 2 cents.

 

I hope this will bring you a final closure and that you will be able to start healing.

 

Best of luck to you.

[HereWeGoAgain1]

I've already told her that I don't want to get back with her or friendship. I definitely don't want friendship, as for not getting back with her, to be honest, right now I don't think it'd be good for me but I'd hate to rule it out in the future.

 

I will wait to see what she says but I'm gonna stay aloof and possibly go back to NC again.

 

I have to say if I hadn't have found this forum I'd be acting a lot more differently now.

[Nancy87]

i am not encouraging you but wow! ur ex doesn't seem to be that much of a bad cunning ruthless person!

[HereWeGoAgain1]

i am not encouraging you but wow! ur ex doesn't seem to be that much of a bad cunning ruthless person!

 

Nope. Just very confused.

 

Even the day she broke up with me she said she wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing. It almost looked like she was taking a gamble.

 

Very strange.

 

I'm finding it really difficult at the min to be fair.

[Nancy87]

i sent my ex some stuff too. n that JERK didn't even BOTHER to reply!

What kind of a soul could be like that???????

 

And i made sure that he got the stuff!

[Simon Phoenix]

I've already told her that I don't want to get back with her or friendship. I definitely don't want friendship, as for not getting back with her, to be honest, right now I don't think it'd be good for me but I'd hate to rule it out in the future.

 

I will wait to see what she says but I'm gonna stay aloof and possibly go back to NC again.

 

I have to say if I hadn't have found this forum I'd be acting a lot more differently now.

 

What reason is there not to go back to NC? You broke NC and what did you get out of it? Just a bunch of confusion and second-guessing that was completely preventable. And nowhere in that response did she indicate any a) regret for dumping you or b) desire to get back with you.

 

Don't dig yourself into a bigger hole than you've dug already.

[HereWeGoAgain1]

What reason is there not to go back to NC? You broke NC and what did you get out of it? Just a bunch of confusion and second-guessing that was completely preventable. And nowhere in that response did she indicate any a) regret for dumping you or b) desire to get back with you.

 

Don't dig yourself into a bigger hole than you've dug already.

 

To be fair she's slap bang in the middle of a birthday part. I'm gonna wait and see what she says in her reply.