midlifecrisis Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 For those of you who haven't read my other posts.... I recently wrote a note to my GF of 1 year asking for a stronger sign of commitment. She has commitment issues that relate from getting out of a long marriage with a cheating husband (she's been out for 1.5 years). Although we are intimate and both profess love for eachother, these issues have prevented her from telling me that she'll date me exclusively (the intimacy is exclusive though), and she is also hesitant to introduce me to close friends -- because that sounds like permanency to her. The note was stongly worded, and naturally, this type of pressure serves to push commitment-phobic people away. However, I was a bit drunk at the time, and sent it anyway. As expected, it drove her away, and I did not hear from her for about 4 days. During the 4 days, I left her little notes and voice-mails..... very light-hearted at first, but the last ones were a bit desperate sounding, as in "PLEASE, just let me know how you are" Finally, I got a note from her this morning. Here it is: ------------------------ Hey Yes, I have gotten your messages and notes. I'm sorry that I haven't responded and I know how that must make you feel. Again, I'm sorry. The only thing that you can do right now for me is to give me some space. It's not a bad thing, it's just something I need right now. I need to get a clearer perspective of me, my life, us. Please don't think too hard about this.... it isn't a bad thing. It's just time that I need to think. And it helps to do this by myself. I really, really hope you understand and can do this for me. How about this. Why don't we plan to get together and talk next week after you get back from XXX. Until then, I want some space and no contact. TRUST me. This will be good. For both of us. I think about you daily and believe that things will work out exactly how they are supposed to. WITHOUT help. Have fun in XXX and think of this as a growing experience!!! ------------------------ I've heard that when someone asks for space it usually a very bad sign. I'm thinking a bit more positively given the fact that she's agreeing to meet me in about a week. I've also read in other posts that space for a commitment-phobic person is just part of life -- for a long while. What do you think?
tanbark813 Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 It's been my experience that when a girl is into you, she doesn't take 4 days to return your calls and she makes more of an effort to see you than a loosely planned talk a week from now.
alphamale Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 I will write the response for you to her email. Please send it to her as is without any editing: Baby: I understand you need for your space and lately I have been feeling the same. I have loved the time we spend together but it is a great idea to be apart for some time and discover our feelings. I myself have been feeling that we have some problems with commitment and I am really at that stage in my life where I need to be with someone more solidly. I wish that we can stay in touch on occasion in the near term future. Since we are not considered to be exclusive I will be dating other women while you have your "space". I will not contact you in any way, shape or form. If you wish to talk then please contact me. Have a happy holiday season! midlifecrisis
Author midlifecrisis Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Thanks guys. Tanbark -- I agree with you, except that she does this to all her friends, not just me, when she freaks out about something. Nevertheless -- part of what she is thinking about, is whether or not I'm the one she wants to get in deeper with -- so I know her interest level is not 100% at the moment. AlphaMale -- Unfortunately, I jumped the gun on the response. In it, I did say that the break was a good idea for both of us -- but the rest of my note would be considered wimpy by your standards. I'm reading alot about how guys need to be less wussy -- and get better results even, but I haven't mastered that yet. If this falls through, maybe I'll use it as an opportunity to focus on that. Any thoughts from the women out there? Any thoughts from folks with commitment issues?
gwennebe Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 I woluld say REALLY give her the space she's asking for but I think it may have been a mistake to tell her you would be dating other people. That just makes you look bad IMO. If she can't commit to you than it's none of her business and you need to play her game. Do not contact her at all and I would avoid her calls for awhile if she does try to contact you. I made the mistake with my last long term relationship by not giving him space and I kept pushing him and wanting to talk to him and it just destryed everything. He said all he wanted was a couple days to think and things would have been fine but oh well. I am better off now so I'm kind of glad I destroyed that relationship. It doesn't always mean the end of the world when someone asks for space. A lot of times I need time to myself too and don't feel like talking to anyone. She probably wants to take the time to see how she really feels about you without your influence. ie. If she misses you. Hopefully this "break" will make her see it and maybe she can offer you a commitement then. Best of luck and keep us posted.
Author midlifecrisis Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Thanks Gwennebe, I'm sorry you had to go through what you did, but am glad you consider yourself better-off now. I was far less strong than AlphaMale's letter, and I didn't say I would be dating other people. I won't try to contact her this week, but was thinking of sending her a short note when I get back into town just to see how she's doing. I hope this works out, and her telling me that we should talk next week makes this "no-contact" time a teeny bit more bearable.
HokeyReligions Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 It has been my experience that space is a good thing. Don't panic, use the time to do your own thinking about yourself and her and the future you would like to see for the both of you. Sounds like she is doing exactly the right thing -- taking time and thinking about everything. Its a lot better than feeling forced or pressured in a relationship decision and later that coming back to cause resentment and pain.
alphamale Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Dear MidLife; If you contact this woman in any manner BEFORE she contacts you I will guarantee you the relationship will be doomed. Mark my words.
tanbark813 Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 I have to agree with alphamale on this one.
Author midlifecrisis Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Thanks Hokey. Deep breaths for me, I tend to over-analyze EVERYTHING -- like why she didn't sign her letter with the ususal XOXO. Alpha -- why do you say I shoudn't contact her? Is it in order to send the message "I really didn't miss you that much anyway" and get more power back?
alphamale Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by midlifecrisis Thanks Hokey. Deep breaths for me, I tend to over-analyze EVERYTHING -- like why she didn't sign her letter with the ususal XOXO. Alpha -- why do you say I shoudn't contact her? Is it in order to send the message "I really didn't miss you that much anyway" and get more power back? Well of course....if a woman even senses desperation on your part you are history. By not contacting her then SHE will start to wonder what you are doing and where you are and who you are with. Create some mystery and uncertainty for her. Don't be predictable, it is the kiss of death with women.
HokeyReligions Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale Well of course....if a woman even senses desperation on your part you are history. By not contacting her then SHE will start to wonder what you are doing and where you are and who you are with. Create some mystery and uncertainty for her. Don't be predictable, it is the kiss of death with women. Well of course....if a woman even senses desperation on your part you are history. By not contacting her then SHE will start to wonder what you are doing and where you are and who you are with. Create some mystery and uncertainty for her. Don't be predictable, it is the kiss of death with women. Stop playing sophmoric games. Tell her that you agree and you will wait for her to contact you. Then leave her alone and work on yourself. Make your own decisions and goals for what YOU want in your life. When she calls you and you get together you can discuss your relationship and your goals like adults.
alphamale Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by HokeyReligions Stop playing sophmoric games. Tell her that you agree and you will wait for her to contact you. Then leave her alone and work on yourself. Make your own decisions and goals for what YOU want in your life. When she calls you and you get together you can discuss your relationship and your goals like adults. MidLife: DON'T get your relationship advice from women. Get it from men. If you do what Hokey says above you are dead in the water and will probably end up sinking. You must be tough here and be a man so that you can save your respect and dignity. Women will advise you badly on relationship issues and since most women have not dated a woman they really don't know what to tell you.
Author midlifecrisis Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Thanks again folks... I had already responded to her before starting this thread. In my note, I agreed that the break was a good thing and that I'd respect her wishes. However, I did tell her that I'd send her a short note when I get back into town to see how she's doing. How about this: I'll follow through with sending her a short note when I get back, but in the note, I won't include any pressure about meeting her -- I'll leave that initiative up to her.
alphamale Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by midlifecrisis Thanks again folks... I had already responded to her before starting this thread. In my note, I agreed that the break was a good thing and that I'd respect her wishes. However, I did tell her that I'd send her a short note when I get back into town to see how she's doing. How about this: I'll follow through with sending her a short note when I get back, but in the note, I won't include any pressure about meeting her -- I'll leave that initiative up to her. Do whatever you want but remember you have been forewarned.
tokyo Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 I tend to agree with the rest here, DON`T CONTACT her. I´ve told you already, you are way too insecure. You have to stop running after her and making such a fool out of yourself (sorry, if this sounds mean). She is not stupid, ok? She got your point. If she doesn´t answer, it´s because she doesn´t want to and if you run after her you will make things worse then they are. Don´t underestimate her intelligence. Writing this, I think I should follow my own advice.... They are not stupid, they leave us hanging, because we allow them to do so. If she wants to contact you, she´ll do it. When you do it before, she´ll not have the chance to be active. All she is doing is reacting to you and this is NOT what you want. With the risk of sounding mean, you look pathetic. Sorry, someone has to tell you how it looks otherwise you will continue to act like this. If it looks to me like this, then be sure she will think the same and it´s a sure turnoff.
alphamale Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 thanks kooky for the validation! at least some others have some sense around here! what a breath of fresh air...
AcineDiepe Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 i agree i think she liked the attention you gave her and liked hanging out with you perhaps, and probably thinks you are a nice person. she isn't being assertive--just coming out and saying "listen, buddy, this isn't what i want, so take a hike" may be what she's thinking, but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. let her go. you don't communicate well with each other anyway. who needs it?
Author midlifecrisis Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 I stand informed! Thanks for all your input.
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