f1asr88 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Should I give her another chance? I´ve always been shy and lacking in confidence around girls, I went through university and got to the age of 21 without ever having kissed or even hanging out with a girl as a friend. Then I saw her at the gym, and knew I had to do something about it. She was so beautiful, slim but with an incredible curvy figure, and the face of an agel. We started dating and from then on were inseparable. She was 16. For three years we had a completely perfect relationship, we never had an argument, always had fun in each others´ company, had a good sex life etc. I loved her with all my heart. She would always say she wanted us to get married and have my children, that I was perfect. Her family loved me. I always wanted the best for her, I helped her lots with her studies, and now she is the first person in her family to go to university. We went travelling the world together for three months, to some of the most beautiful places, and it made me absolutely certain that she was the girl I was going to marry. We returned in February, with me deciding for sure that in a few months time I would propose to her. But when we got back she got a new job, made friends with her workmates, would go out with them, and I thought nothing of it. But one night she rang me up sobbing saying that one of the guys had kissed her, and she didn´t pull back, and that she was sorry. I forgave her, and she carried on going out with them, I still trusted her I guess, she said she liked this guy but just wanted to be friends with him, because he was a nice guy, nothing more. However as time passed she got pretty distant with me and secretive with her phone, so one day I looked at her facebook and there was a conversation between them saying she had feelings for him. I gave her an ultimatum, him or me, and she said she didn´t know. She said she needed to be on her own to think things through.Of course, she was still hanging out with him, and had lied to me about spending the night at his once, although she swore nothing happened. After two weeks of this ´break´ I rang her up and heard his kid in the background. I went nuts, but she said it wasn´t my business anymore and dumped me, saying "I can´t be with you right now, maybe one day in the future"...etc I was so grief stricken I begged her, reasoned with her, got her family to do so as well - they were so upset, shocked and disappointed with her. But it was to no avail, she said she still didn´t know, and she was seeing him and sleeping with him. I set her another ultimatum, but she didn´t say one way or the other, she stayed with him but said how every day she was getting closer to knowing I was the one for her, that she still loved me and would decide soon. This was in June. She was due to go to uni a couple of hours travel away in September, so I thought to myself that as he is a weekend Dad, they would probably break up when she goes to uni, or shortly after, because they wouldn´t see each other much. So for my peace of mind I wanted her to come back to me whilst he was still on the menu so to speak, so I would know she had chosen me over him and was not just using me as a safety net when they hit the buffers. So I carried on texting her, but when it got to the middle of August she told me she was happy with him, loved him, so I said I accepted it and initiated no contact. A couple of weeks later she starts telling me it´s me she wants, she asked if I could meet her because she had something to say to me, but I refused. I went on holiday by myself at the end of August, I told her mum I was going to do so. The night before she puts a long long letter through my door saying how much she loves me and it´s me she wants, and can I give her another chance. I went away, came back and didn´t hear a peep out of her until a few days ago, when we arranged to meet, I thought it only right that I said bye to her before she went to uni. When we met a few days ago she told me she had just got back from an exotic holiday with him. So in the time since she wrote me that letter she has been sleeping with him! That was why I hadn´t heard from her. She told me when we met that she wanted me, but that if I wouldn´t take her back she would like to stay with him. I said that wasn´t good enough, that she shouldn´t be trying to get back with me behind his back, and that if she had shown me that it was me she wanted, and that she had acted selflessly by being honest with him, maybe I would think about giving her another chance in future. We said tearful goodbyes, she was really upset, and then that night she messaged my out of the blue saying she will break up with him and be a single woman when I have got back home (I have gone away again for a few days) and that she hopes I can forgive her and give her another chance. I get home in a few days, but what should I do? I think I still love her, but I feel like her second choice, though she says that´s not the case. Whilst she´s at uni she´s going to have guys all over her because she is incredibly beautiful, and I don´t think I could trust her not to meet guys she likes, although she´s not the sort to have one night stands, she might get feelings for someone else? Should I take her back now, or see where the land lies in a few years when she has finished uni, and see if she has grown up a bit? She could be a different person then? She might see guys there, but decide that she´d rather be with me at the end of it, and I might be in a position to trust her again. My family say I should meet someone else, my colleagues say the same, that I´m good looking etc, but to be honest I´m pretty shy, inexperienced, lacking in confidence, and feel like I don´t really fit in here in the UK with the whole binge drinking, casual sex scene. That´s just not me. I don´t feel too optimistic about meeting someone who has the same values and attitude to relationships, who will only have sex as part of a loving relationship. She made every other girl invisible to me, I loved her so much. All I wanted from my life was to be with her, before all this happened, I was so happy. I´m 25, have a fairly solitary job that I like, but it doesn´t allow me to meet anyone, but I can´t really give it up. If you managed to read all that, kudos to you, sorry for the length! I would be truly grateful for any advice. Thank you.
marlina345 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 im so sorry for what you are going through i say since she has met someone else i think you should do the same you should try to forget about her for a while and let her clear her mind. from the looks of it shes confused as to what she wants. she fears to be alone thats why she stringing you and the other guy along. i think you need to stay away from her your only gonna continue hurting yourself if you continue to let her in your life.
lylat333 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 f1asr88, so sorry to hear your story. I'm 27, only been intimate with a couple of women, never been the party type and also have an extremely hard time meeting people and don't feel I fit in with the surrounding culture. Ever since my ex and I broke up I also suffer from not finding anyone attractive. That said, I really think it would be best if you let this whole thing go. What she did throughout this is so wrong, I think anyone who reads your story would agree. Even when she comes back to you, she keeps another option right there with her, all the while you're going through the wringer through no fault of your own. It hurts, believe me I know how much it hurts to see someone you see as so beautiful do ugly things. But to be frank I see her behavior as too far gone and doesn't warrant reconciliation. I think you would be so much happier with someone who thinks more like you and who you can start a relationship with and not have to deal with this mess. Sadly, this is advice I probably need to hear myself. I'm scared I'll never meet someone who I am as attracted to as my ex and who like you said shares the same values and attitudes towards relationships. I desperately wanted my ex to be that person, and it breaks my heart it didn't work out the way I hoped. I'm not just telling you this to make you feel better - you deserve better.
Mcscooter Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 She doesn't know what she wants, so she's trying to get what she wants. You or him. It's best to teach her that you can't always get what you want. From what she did. She f*cked up pretty bad in my eyes, but it seems that your blinded by love. Happens, break the spell and you'll realize the whole time what has been happening. I can understand that it's hard meeting other people, just put some effort into it. Don't wait for things to happen, you make it happen. This is my advice and my opinion. You don't have to agree. I hate being hurt, but to me nothing feels better than getting back at that person that hurt you. I would do 2 things. The immature route would be to hook up with her and just use her. Have her fall for you again, but this time be the one to break her heart and this is how a-hole guys are created. It can backfire easily. The mature route would be to strive for success. Become the better person. Show her why leaving you was a mistake for what she could of have, but she just threw it away. Speaking thus you should have moved on and find something better because you are better. Revenge is best served in a cold plate. Just saying. Like I said my opinions lol.
Mariposa10 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 All that lying, being shady, etc. Don't take her back, she seems to be pretty young too. There's a huge possibility she'll do this again. Don't feel bad about the way you are, if I were to start looking for someone to have a relationship with, for me you'd be a great option!!! I'm sure many women will be happy to have you as boyfriend. Ask this girl to stop contacting you. You keep talking about how beautiful she is, but it doesn't matter after what she did to you. What she did to you was horrible. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Author f1asr88 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Thank you for all your replies, I know I still love her, but also that it wouldn´t be the same again, the innocence is gone If I were to take her back now I would be signing up for three years of paranoia, worrying who she´s seeing.. I could never use her or hurt her, the thought of her being sad really upsets me still
Author f1asr88 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 I´m not at all interested in revenge, I still really care about her (I would have given my life for her when we were together) and want her to be happy, then at least this wouldn´t have all been for nothing. If she lived happily ever after with him, then it would be easier for me to draw a line under it and move on I suppose. But she has said now she wants to come back to me, but at the worst possible time, so I don´t know whether her preference for me is genuine or whether I´m a safety net, and I don´t think I can live with that, as well as trust her from now on. The advice I´ve had, not just from your good selves, but also from the few people I have spoken to in person about this, has been unanimous - not to take her back. Although my heart says otherwise, I think my gut is saying the same. I just can´t believe that this has happened, I´ve never been as sure, secure, or happy about anything in my life Thanks again
Mariposa10 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 How can she go from being with you to being with this guy and now wanting to be with you again. I think she should take a break from all this mess. This is another thing I don't like about this, maybe if she had said she wanted to take things slow with you, but it seems like she wants to get back together with you instantly. What about all the feelings for the other guy? This all sounds too immature and unhealthy. When she left you, she only thought about herself. Now it's time for you to think about yourself. 2
Author f1asr88 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 f1asr88, so sorry to hear your story. I'm 27, only been intimate with a couple of women, never been the party type and also have an extremely hard time meeting people and don't feel I fit in with the surrounding culture. Ever since my ex and I broke up I also suffer from not finding anyone attractive. That said, I really think it would be best if you let this whole thing go. What she did throughout this is so wrong, I think anyone who reads your story would agree. Even when she comes back to you, she keeps another option right there with her, all the while you're going through the wringer through no fault of your own. It hurts, believe me I know how much it hurts to see someone you see as so beautiful do ugly things. But to be frank I see her behavior as too far gone and doesn't warrant reconciliation. I think you would be so much happier with someone who thinks more like you and who you can start a relationship with and not have to deal with this mess. Sadly, this is advice I probably need to hear myself. I'm scared I'll never meet someone who I am as attracted to as my ex and who like you said shares the same values and attitudes towards relationships. I desperately wanted my ex to be that person, and it breaks my heart it didn't work out the way I hoped. I'm not just telling you this to make you feel better - you deserve better. Thank you for your kind words, it seems we have been similarly unfortunate up to now. I sincerely hope that the right girl is just around the corner for you. 1
Author f1asr88 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 How can she go from being with you to being with this guy and now wanting to be with you again. I think she should take a break from all this mess. This is another thing I don't like about this, maybe if she had said she wanted to take things slow with you, but it seems like she wants to get back together with you instantly. What about all the feelings for the other guy? This all sounds too immature and unhealthy. When she left you, she only thought about herself. Now it's time for you to think about yourself. You´re right, it is a complete mess. If I took her back now she´d still have feelings for him, so it would surely be a bit half hearted on her part I suppose. And she´s with him now when she´d rather be with me. It is unhealthy, you´re right again, I don´t think she´s in the right state to be in any relationship right now if I´m honest. Being alone at university would probably be the best thing for her...
Mariposa10 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 You´re right, it is a complete mess. If I took her back now she´d still have feelings for him, so it would surely be a bit half hearted on her part I suppose. And she´s with him now when she´d rather be with me. It is unhealthy, you´re right again, I don´t think she´s in the right state to be in any relationship right now if I´m honest. Being alone at university would probably be the best thing for her... What?? What do you mean she's with him? You're a kind person by still caring about her. But please, this time think about your feelings. You'll teach her a lesson too that will help her not be so selfish in the future. Stay away from this mess... Good luck and stay strong!! 1
tart6245 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 No. Never tolerate being kicked to the curb for someone else. If you aren't good enough for them, let them find someone who they think is. Don't be there for them when they fail and realize you weren't so bad after all. People have to learn a lesson sometimes. 1
Author f1asr88 Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 What?? What do you mean she's with him? You're a kind person by still caring about her. But please, this time think about your feelings. You'll teach her a lesson too that will help her not be so selfish in the future. Stay away from this mess... Good luck and stay strong!! Well she said she would dump him at some point this week, but I assume she´s still with him, as she has been this whole time ´she´d rather have been with me´ It´s hard not to think about her all the time,everything reminds me of her, even your username! Mariposa was her favourite Spanish word - butterfly - I helped her out with Spanish at GCSE. I´ll keep my chin up though. Thanks again everyone
Mariposa10 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 Well she said she would dump him at some point this week, but I assume she´s still with him, as she has been this whole time ´she´d rather have been with me´ It´s hard not to think about her all the time,everything reminds me of her, even your username! Mariposa was her favourite Spanish word - butterfly - I helped her out with Spanish at GCSE. I´ll keep my chin up though. Thanks again everyone Oh my god!! What a horrible person!! I can't believe she's talked about getting back together with you while she's still with the other guy. Why are people soooooo selfish?! Stay strong, you deserve something waaaay better!!
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