How do you cope?

[BruisedBNBroken]

Well I'll be! Phone rang at 11:30 pm last night and guess who? I didn't answer but of course she's now at the forefront of my mind.

 

She must of sensed you were ready to take your power back!! Great job for not answering. Being at the forefront of your mind is normal, how you chose to react to that emotion is the game changer. Don't answer, don't call back. Keep reading and posting here.

[Cali408]

In reflection I was the seducer and seduced. When she was flaky, I would go crazy wondering when she would call. Once I had her under control, it wasn't as exciting.

 

From a looks standpoint she was 9 or 10, but just an emotional basketcase, so beneath me. The rose colored glasses is absolutely the truth. Lots of baggage

 

KG, good job not answering the phone. You won. Be grateful that you had that strength. You are recovering, see? the old you would have grabbed the phone. Little victories day by day. Don't you feel great that you have the power? Next time you feel down or have the temptation, remember this moment.

[jlola]

There is a show called "Catfish" on television. The premise is "online dating" and how someone can be hooked sometimes for years on a person they have never actually met.

 

Some of these people are "catfished" for years by imposters who are not what they seem and have never met because of some excuse or another. Catfish will find the person on the other end(the imposter).

 

It shows how humans can be controlled and fall madly in love solely by emotions. There is always lots of drama,obstacles,push-pull,future faking of how it will be when they are finally together. And of course the "leaving and the grand return". It keeps victim engaged for years.

 

These people fall madly n love with a "soulmate" they never met and when exposed the person on the other line can be anybody. Most people doing the catfishing cannot explain why they would keep up the fiasco for years. Some are just bored. many unattractive and want the fantasy of being loved by an attractive person.

 

And you would think the person being "catfished would be unattractive". Lots of times they are not.

 

women and men usually use a photo of a very attractive person as lure. Most men ignore many red flags when a woman is attractive.

 

Yes, they always come back once they feel you are not chasing. Because like you, they are addicted too. To the drama, the validation, the fantasy,the romance, the highs and lows of leaving and coming back(making up).

 

Till you get your act together, it will give you a high when they call after an absence with the "great return". But once you are smart enough to understand your brain and emotions are reacting in the exact way it will when being played,deprived,depressed . You can get your strength back and fight this with logic. It will take awhile. But in a couple of years you will heal.You will then look back and shake your head.

 

But guarantee, with this knowledge, it will be difficult to ever go down this slippery slope again.

[jlola]

BTW, look around this forum. When it comes to affairs, it seems everything is scripted. Everyone saying it is their "soulmate" who understands them like noone else. They say they have never FELT this way before. So much threads are started by OM/OW who are in fear their MM/MW will go back to the wife.(fear is absolutely necessary when it comes to becoming obsessed, you have to fear the loss and therefore value it more)

 

So many talk about how mm/mw do not love their spouse, but the OM/OW. They just cannot leave the marriage because of the kids or BS is suicidal(but they can cheat. Of course that does not destroy wife or kids emotionally.)can we say SCRIPT!! Why did you not think of these things before you involved someone so deeply into your life? It was no accident the affair went so off course.

 

So many AP waiting years for OM/OW who have tons of issues and baggage. One main issue is the ability to deceive another person 24/7 for years(who actually can do that and be normal ? ) Hard to be in on such backstabbing and look at the person you are doing it too for years and keep from cracking!

 

. Most saying their MM/MW are honest and good people. BS is the problem(what are the chances that 100% of Ws's in affairs are the real good guys? just the ability to maintain a lie,deception and disrespect for so long says otherwise.).

 

So much anxiety, MM/Mw going on vacation with spouse, or has not called in a couple of days, or wants to cool off the affair for awhile.

 

The same song and dance everywhere you look.

 

As I have said before, it seems so many are making prizes out of people who are not. On poster admitted when MM told his friend about their affair, friend could not believe a woman of her caliber would date him or give MM the time of day. She admitted herself he is not that physically attractive. Yet a big age difference, a wife,kids,him being a neat freak,a coward when he ran out the door to leave her to deal with an abusive ex who showed up at the door as well as a liar and a cheat goes right over her head. Why? because all she can focus on is winning this prize from the wife.So she sits and pines for the day this prize will be free. Be careful what you wish for!

 

I cannot believe the low quality of men they accept. The situations. The rollercoaster ride. So much pain involved. So many years wasted. But again, normal relationships will not bring up all this drama, all these emotions,which they mistake for love and nix the healthy relationship that is calm rather than rocky. Calm = bad,rollercoaster= we must be soulmates!

 

Ironically, I bet these OW/OM have been able to walk away from relationships with much less issues. But then, they weren't in competition with someone else.they did not have intermittent time,they were not secret relationships were they bond with "you and me against the world" love.

 

A rinky dink trophy has no value if you just pick it up from a store and have noone to compete with. But the same trophy holds value to some people when it is being competed,when you dream of someday getting it,when it is within your grasp, but not actually in hand, hen there is someone else who wants it as badly.

[Tangled web]

Jlola you really are brilliant. It's funny how we all know this stuff, yet we can so easily slip up and fall right back into the toxic behavior. I can't say I didn't do any seducing of my own, but with xAP he's definitely always controlled the tempo of the game. Now that we are apart, I'm the one obsessing and I really do have this ugly desire to "win". And he knows it!

 

I also know without a doubt, that if we ever had the chance to have this relationship without secrecy, I would be embarrassed to introduce him to friends and family. He's everything I would have avoided in a man. Even my best friend said she always thought we were a mismatch and that he got the better end of the deal. It's so frustrating to want someone that you know isn't right for you. I feel pathetic, because I've given him all the power and he doesn't deserve it!

 

I don't understand how I can have such a low self esteem. I know that's the driving force behind my addiction.

[KentuckyGent]

I have no power. Although I didn't answer her call I've spent the day hoping that this wasn't the last time she'll call.

[Cali408]

That's okay. You're getting attention from her. It makes you feel good. Now conversely, she is USING you when it is convenient for her.

 

My ex is blowing up one of my social media sites. I'm amused and not giving in. It's turning more pathetic than an ego boost.

[jlola]

remember pain and pleasure is what you are addicted to. You cannot stand the withdrawal.

 

was it you ho described the relationship as heaven when you are with her and hell when you are not.

 

Would you have these extreme reactions in a normal relationship where you felt secure and could see each other all the time? of course not. Again, the situation is enough to make you act like a lab rat pressing that lever for a little more of that treat that comes intermittently.

 

You need to get healthy and then you will understand pain does not = love. Longing does not = love,fantasy does not = love. anxiety does not -love,fear does not = love.

 

But when we are unhealthy, we look at this crazyness, this pain this rollercoaster and call it love. Toxic people find each other. When you are healthy, this kind of love makes you run away. When you are unhealthy emotioonally you find real loveboring and the rollercoaster love is what you crave.

 

GET WELL!!!!!! emotionally

[randomwoman]

This is how I know I need therapy. I don't think that secure people even think about this. Insecure people are constantly wanting people to prove/reiterate that they are infact loved. They don't feel worthy of love, they don't trust that anyone could ever love them. When one thing happens that causes the insecure person to doubt the other's feelings, it causes a cycle of pain because you feel it was all a lie.

 

I experience the same thing with MM. Sometimes I have no doubt that he values me as a person but then something may happen(even just a bad mood) and I will accuse him of using me and think he doesn't value me as a person etc. This is not normal. This is also about you.

[AWilson]

Wow. Good timing on me seeing this thread.

 

3 weeks ago, the MW I was involved with, said she wanted to be "friends". And backed off. However, since we're coworkers, it has been difficult for me. We still had lunch together together a few times a week.

 

Today, I told her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore. she was doing exactly what jhola said in a previous post. Everything. The push/pull, the glimmer of hope that she'll leave him, then yank it away a couple of days later. That I just got tired of all the bull crap that came with it. She reiterated again that she wasn't going to leave her husband because of the 15 month old and she didn't want to share the baby. Whatever.

 

I made it clear, between 8-5 only business. Do not contact me after/before work unless the message is prefaced with "I left him" or "He left me". Then we can go from there.

 

She tried to give me a guilt trip that I broke her heart. Seriously?!

 

I started LC late last week, and sadly, NC isn't possible because we do have to work together, but at least we're in different departments and on the other side of the building.

[jlola]

Women's Infidelity. I know it has been brought up here before. Very interesting reading.

 

5. "Unaware that they were experiencing CHEMICAL WITHDRAWL due to sudden changes in brain chemistry, many felt that they had MISSED THEIR CHANCE AT HAPPINESS due to their own indecisiveness."

 

[Here is where the limerence kicked in again for COI - I went back to former location after having to go cold turkey from my 2nd AP. COI was there, I was down, he paid attention to me - and BAM - it was on again]

 

6. From Page 83 this said it all: "According to the authors of Craving Ecstasy, love can be the most difficult of addictions because of love's unequaled capacity to profoundly influence each of the three pleasure planes - arousal, satiation and fantacy...FALLING IN LOVE MAY NOT BE THE HIGH OF ALL HIGHS, but falling in love WHEN YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED may VERY WELL BE. AFFAIRS MAY BE THE 'CRACK HIGH' OF NATURAL ACTS."

 

7. Here it is: "Dorothy Tenov wrote a book...Love and Limerence. She coined the word 'limerence' to describe the crazy, romantic state [experienced during an affair]. She described limerence as INTRUSIVE and OBSESSIVE thinking, fantasizing and ACUTE LONGING for a SPECIFIC PERSON...Limerent individuals experience rising and plummeting energy levels...the feelings of limerence are so intense that everything else in life seems insignificant by comparision. However, it seems that in order to experience limerence, sexual desire must be coupled with uncertainty or fear about the future of the relationship."

 

[DING DING DING - ring any bells?]

 

8. Affairs are the ultimate high due to limerence. "Fear and excitement are heightened by the secrecy, the risk, the taboo and the freedom of emotional and sexual expression, as well as by the flood of sexual chemicals and hormones that come into play once the relationship is consummated."

http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/2d3a7e04-d800-4b44-a734-4c21e2

[KentuckyGent]

I knew better, but I did it. I picked up the phone. In the course of the conversation I find out she is still split from her H but now she's got someone else she is dating. My hear can't take this anymore. It can't. I can't. What the hell have I ever done to deserve this? Basically she let me know she's available, just not to me. I'm not going to get through this one; this is the worst yet.

Edited September 19, 2013 by KentuckyGent

[happy stillmore]

You WILL get through this. I wish I could stand in front of you and shake you silly. Why do you want this emotionally-stunted girl? She apparently can't even live on her own for five minutes without having someone to be with her. She is insecure. Look at her as a neurotic disease. She causes you negative feelings, whatever sweet words she chooses with you are with a purpose. She will use these words when they serve a purpose for her. Do you like to feel subservient or like a doormat? Stand up for yourself. When you say NO to get, you say YES to yourself!

 

I haven't even met her and she is so obvious to me. She doesn't need you to rescue her. She is very aware of how to use people to get what she wants. Please stay away from her and see her as a cancer to your spirit.

[Cali408]

I knew better, but I did it. I picked up the phone. In the course of the conversation I find out she is still split from her H but now she's got someone else she is dating. My hear can't take this anymore. It can't. I can't. What the hell have I ever done to deserve this? Basically she let me know she's available, just not to me. I'm not going to get through this one; this is the worst yet.

 

What have you done to deserve it? You picked up the phone. Did you sack up and tell her never to contact you again? Of course you didn't. I want to feel sorry for you, but you're not helping yourself. You won't change your number, you won't change your email, and you sit there and suffer. Shut your phone off, you wanted it and this is what happens. She's a selfish, evil witch. You don't want to be with her. Once you acknowledge this and tell her to leave you alone, you're going to suffer. Death is winning, do something.

 

Go get professional help, see what the triggers are. Day 1 starts now.

[KentuckyGent]

What have you done to deserve it? You picked up the phone. Did you sack up and tell her never to contact you again? Of course you didn't.

 

I actually did: "You no longer need to contact me when you're lonely or bored. You have someone else for that now. I'm not plan B or C nor am I your whipping boy. " Verbatim. And now I feel like she'll honor this and never contact me again and I don't know how I feel about that.

[Cali408]

Why do you feel you need her for validation? How you feel about it? How did you feel when you got off the phone? Miserable. Do you want to hear about all the great times she is having with her new boyfriend? Of course not. You need to work on your self esteem. As stated, you thrived on the attention. You need to love yourself and let go.

[bentleychic]

How do you feel? You should feel strong, feel powerful! You put your foot down and told her you're not going to be her fall back plan any more! That's fantastic! Even if you might have been thinking otherwise, you said it and now you need to make it be so!

 

Now surround yourself with friends and keep your days (and especially nights. Those are the hardest, IMO.) busy. I'm not saying date or hook up (unless you want to), but keep yourself busy until thoughts of her are not the only things filling your head.

[Sarabi]

I actually did: "You no longer need to contact me when you're lonely or bored. You have someone else for that now. I'm not plan B or C nor am I your whipping boy. " Verbatim. And now I feel like she'll honor this and never contact me again and I don't know how I feel about that.

 

Well done! Well done! Well done!!! :)

Do your best to maintain no contact. I know how you feel. Its really not easy. Any time I feel down about it(and its been a while now) I try to divert my thinking. Its getting a little easier, as I don't spend as much time as I used to dwelling on bits that make me feel sad...but its still a battle.

Yes...I admit I did/do view it as a competition but really, its not.

If she is already dating someone else then Sir, you are the one who has had a lucky escape...

[trailrunner1975]

I knew better, but I did it. I picked up the phone. In the course of the conversation I find out she is still split from her H but now she's got someone else she is dating. My hear can't take this anymore. It can't. I can't. What the hell have I ever done to deserve this? Basically she let me know she's available, just not to me. I'm not going to get through this one; this is the worst yet.

 

Commit your current feeling to memory and associate it with her image and name on your phone. Delete her contact info in all places. You cannot change how she is acting but you can control how you respond to her attempts at contact. I did this when I went NC and it has worked quite well. I deleted her from my phone but her name shows anyways on caller ID- she has tried to contact me several times but I see her name and feel indifferent now. ( hopefully a new phone will correct this)

ANY type of contact will set you back, of that I am sure. Where you are now is as bad as it can ever get-you have nowhere to go but up from here.

[trailrunner1975]

Oh, and be glad this happened- she has shown you how she treats those she "loves". At least you aren't legally bound to her and can make a relatively clean break.

[KentuckyGent]

I've never felt this kind of hurt. I came home early from work. And I have no way of numbing it or running from it. Why do they do this? Why does she continue to call me? Then she kept wanting to know MY dating situation because " I just want to see you happy." It all seems pretty cruel. I really am not coping.

[cat]

Big, big hugs. I for one am SUPER proud of you. The feeling of still wanting the person to respond even though logically you know it's for the best that they don't... totally understandable. You will miss her for a while. IT WILL GET BETTER!

 

Go for a walk and leave your phone behind. Do you have a dog? If not, go to the shelter and play with the dogs they have there. See if there's someone that will sit with you and not talk. Or, take a book to a coffee shop. FOr me, sitting around my house makes me want to jump out of my own skin--plus the temptation is too great.

 

HUGS.

[KentuckyGent]

I am at my wits end. I have no one to talk to. Nowhere to go. I don't know if I am going to get through this. I always thought if she ever did leave she would end up with me. It seems as if she only likes to play with my mind. What could she possibly want with talking to me? I cant function.

[cat]

" I just want to see you happy."

 

This goes down (along with "You're too good for me/You can do better than me") as a phrase that makes me want to VOMIT. Because of course the last time you were happy, you were with HER. It's unfair for the source of the pain to make a statement like that. PLEASE recognize that.

 

I heard that this week too. "I really want you to be happy." For some reason, I said "Not me--I really want you to be miserable." Miserable missing me and in an unfulfilling marriage with someone he doesn't like.

[cat]

I am at my wits end. I have no one to talk to. Nowhere to go. I don't know if I am going to get through this. I always thought if she ever did leave she would end up with me. It seems as if she only likes to play with my mind. What could she possibly want with talking to me? I cant function.

 

I'm sorry I don't already know the answer to this but do you have a therapist? If you do, call him or her NOW. I was a therapist for years and we all had on-call for emergencies. Totally normal in the world of a therapist for someone to call and say "I need to talk NOW."

 

If you don't, call an office or hotline as soon as you can and say you need an urgent appointment. YOu need someone to cry to and tell the whole story to out loud.

 

Literally just did this myself two weeks ago-- including the going home early from work part.

Edited September 19, 2013 by cat