Ex is apparently back on the hunt, techniques for coping?

[Greyguitar]

Hey all,

 

About two weeks ago my partner of eight years left me. It's documented in my thread here.

 

Today, Facebook (unsurprisingly) has given me the oh so tempting opportunity to peer into what she's been up to for the past couple weeks. Turns out she went out with some friends a few days ago that she hasn't seen for almost the whole time we were together and historically had some pretty wild times with. According to Facebook it was a "random and fun night, with many more to come".

 

The jealousy is killing me. I know she is doing nothing wrong, I know she is no longer emotionally connected to me and free to do whatever she likes, but that doesn't make it easier. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is that hurts me. Seeing that she'd been out in places where I know guys would fall at her feet, and knowing she has just left a relationship with me because I didn't give her the attention she wanted, makes me feel horrific. She left me on the basis that she wanted to "rebuild her own life again", so I guess this is what she meant by that.

 

I lie there at night convinced that she's loaded somewhere undressing some dude in the heat of passion. It's destroying me. I don't have any friends to turn to really as the friends I've made over the past eight years are mutual friends who are reluctant to communicate too much presumably because they don't want to inadvertently take sides or get involved. My family are helping, but sometimes I feel like just crying to them annoys them after a while.

 

The problem is, we just bought a house together and we're both trying desperately to remain on reasonable terms because neither of us can really afford legal aid should things turn ugly. As much as it pains me to say it, there isn't really any hard feelings between us. She doesn't hate me, and still talks to me. But I obviously still love her.

 

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with these feelings? I know it's wrong and perhaps I should be ashamed for feeling such jealousy but I'm really struggling with it. If I'm this bad when I just find out she's been out with friends, I can't even begin to fathom what I'll be like when I actually find out that she's found someone new.

[PR08]

There's only one thing you can do and you know exactly what it is.

[Greyguitar]

There's only one thing you can do and you know exactly what it is.

 

Can you elaborate? Sorry, I'm not thinking clearly right now and although the answer is most probably glaringly obvious, I am clueless.

[PR08]

Unfriend her on Facebook. The sooner you do that, the sooner you'll heal.

[Purepony]

Focus because you need to start healing.

Deactivate your fb account! Box up all her stuff, get a hobby and stay busy!

Go no contact and if she tries to contact you let her know nicely that its only for business.

[Greyguitar]

Yeah she's unfriended me on Facebook now, and removed every picture of us together, guess that's decided that one.

 

I don't know why I even feel compelled to look, I know it will only hurt me. I suppose a big part of me is just so reluctant to begin closing doors that have been open for over eight years. I feel like by boxing her stuff and closing down Facebook I am accepting that things are finished, and I'm pretty sure that there's a large part of me that doesn't want to accept that, even though it's clear that she had accepted that a long time ago.

 

Of course, it is finished, and deep down I know that, I just cling on to eight years of memories which are undoubtedly the greatest of my life.

[NomiMalone]

Greyguitar, my heart goes out to you. I recently had to pack all my ex's things into a box and block him on FB also, and it was just excruciating. I just forced myself to do it, even though I wasn't ready. I just knew that, in order to move on one day, it had to be done. I gave a lot gifts from him to charity (eg Disney DVDs to a children's hospital). If you can't bring yourself to box up her things as yet, it's ok, wait awhile, but definitely block her on FB so you can't even see her profile/cover pics. FB blocking, and NC were 2 of the things that helped me most in my recovery. Be good to yourself and don't be hard on yourself. 8 years is a long, long time.

Edited September 18, 2013 by NomiMalone

[NomiMalone]

PS: I think that posting things of that type onto FB post-break up, knowing well that your ex would see them, is unnecessary. A bit of restraint on FB has never hurt anyone!

[Greyguitar]

Thanks NomiMalone.

 

I just want the pain to go away, it's been two weeks today and I still miss her more than ever. Right now, it feels like I'll never stop wanting her to come back. The thought that we'll never share a love together again and that I'll never feel her in my arms again is just destroying me.

 

Everyone keeps telling me that it will ease in time, and perhaps I don't doubt that, but it's not the me in a few months or years I'm worried about, it's today. Getting through each day is just becoming increasingly difficult.

[Greyguitar]

Thanks, Ernesto, much appreciated.

 

Writing is a good idea. I always feel like I'm writing to "her" though, and I will inevitably want to send it to her. In fact everything I do right now feels like it is for "her" and not for me, even though the common advice is to focus on myself.

 

I find it particularly difficult to see positivity in actions and activities because everything feels half empty without my ex involved. For example, playing guitar just doesn't feel fun anymore, drawing or painting has lost its appeal and my writing just doesn't seem to come out because my creativity levels have just been zeroed.

[mikei880]

Hang in there! It gets better. What are the things you couldn't do while you were married? Do them. Get some new hobbies. Excercise, it's good for you and it'll ease the stress. If you find yourself asking "why", there is no answer.... you just have to deal. This is a good opportunity to grow as a person, read some books. See a therapist. Google the stages of grief and see how to work through it. Use your anger constructivly. Let it motivate you to better your situation. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS....

[PR08]

Everyone keeps telling me that it will ease in time, and perhaps I don't doubt that, but it's not the me in a few months or years I'm worried about, it's today. Getting through each day is just becoming increasingly difficult.

 

The problem is, it's completely true... but when you are in that situation it is not remotely helpful, soothing or reassuring, particularly because we live in a society that craves instant satisfaction. The only thing you can do is to allow yourself time to grieve, to grieve and grieve and grieve until frankly you are bored of it, and then channelling your energy into your recovery.

 

I have often found rejection is the best way to focus your mind on where you are in the grand scheme of life and where you want to be, as well as providing powerful motivation to reshape your life the way you want it.

[Greyguitar]

Thanks, everyone for the encouragement and advice.

 

I've been thinking, and perhaps this is obvious to some, am I preventing the healing process starting by not truly accepting that it's over? I think I'm really still expecting her to come back. I find acceptance very difficult and feel that by accepting she isn't coming back, I prevent any chance that she would actually come back. Even though I know she may never come back, I've found comfort (although not really, I suppose) in banking on the prospect that she will.

 

I'm no expert but it kinda seems like I should be accepting it is actually over.

[mikei880]

Thanks, everyone for the encouragement and advice.

 

I've been thinking, and perhaps this is obvious to some, am I preventing the healing process starting by not truly accepting that it's over? I think I'm really still expecting her to come back. I find acceptance very difficult and feel that by accepting she isn't coming back, I prevent any chance that she would actually come back. Even though I know she may never come back, I've found comfort (although not really, I suppose) in banking on the prospect that she will.

 

I'm no expert but it kinda seems like I should be accepting it is actually over.

 

You are in the first stage of the grieving process, denial. Keep plugging along. Hold your head high. Take the high road...

[Greyguitar]

I've just been reading about the stages of denial and it's worried me.

 

Apparently I'm still two stages away from depression, and given how I have been feeling for the past two weeks, I'm not sure I can face a darkness greater than that of what I am experiencing now.

 

I completely agree that I am in denial, as I mentioned previously, I think deep down my mind and heart are reluctant to accept that this has actually happened, but alongside all of that, I have felt deeply depressed.

 

Today didn't get easier, the mornings and nights set me up for failure I think. I get into an empty bed in a house we bought together only two months ago wishing she was there with me. I wake up, often having dreamed about her, distraught when I remember she's gone. I then spend the morning drained from the realisation, and the afternoon dreading the lonely night.

 

I do apologise for sounding so terribly emotional, I'm just finding this very very tough.

[NomiMalone]

Greyguitar, everything you're going through is perfectly normal. I felt everything you're feeling in the first few weeks of my break up. I was definitely in denial, genuinely hoping that he'd call me up and tell me he wanted to have a future with me and would do everything he could to make it happen. I had planned to move cities post break up (for work purposes), but being in denial, I still kept applying for jobs in our city just in case we did get back together and I didn't end up moving. I was such a mess that I couldn't even do a load of laundry or cook a simple meal until week 3. And I had it "easy" because I was the one who moved out of our home (it was owned by his mum, so naturally I had to move.) It was so heart breaking for me to pack up and leave, but I can't begin to imagine how difficult it would be to be the one who stays behind in the house and lives with all the memories. Greyguitar, do you maybe have a friend you can crash with for a few weeks, and return to your house when your emotions are a little less raw?

And don't be concerned about having depression. Like I said, EVERYTHING you're feeling is perfectly normal for a well functioning human being. You are going through one of the most traumatic events and greatest losses of your life. Even if you do develop circumstantial depression temporarily (depression not a result of any chemical imbalance in your brain, but brought about by a traumatic life event), it's not anything to be alarmed about. I felt that way during the first stages of my break up as well. Like I said, be easy on yourself. And allow yourself to feel the pain. I know you don't want to hear this, but it DOES get better, I promise.

[Greyguitar]

Ugh, had an ok couple of days, ruined by a difficult Sunday.

 

She called me to talk about the house. She basically yelled at me for 10 minutes about the plans she has for selling the house. I regrettably resorted to pleading for her return again to which she said 'I would rather die than come back to you'. That hurt. She's 27, not 16.

 

 

During the following hours of feeling pretty awful I did something stupid. In what can only be describe as a moment of madness I checked out her eBay shop, as I was curious to see if she was selling any of my stuff. She wasn't, and in hindsight I don't think she would, but the first thing I saw when I opened her page was that two days ago she bought a black lace suspender belt.

 

Perhaps I'm naive but that just sent my jealousy into overdrive. She'd never worn suspenders in the 8 years we were together.

 

I don't know why I do it to myself. She is free to do whatever the hell she wants but for some reason the idea of her being with other guys is still causing me a lot of pain.

[Standard-Fare]

Hey, dude, you need to take some responsibility for protecting yourself. Obviously you're only exacerbating your own pain by creepily tracking her online activities.

 

(No judgments here. I do understand just how strong that sort of temptation is.)

 

But keep in mind that she is not doing any of this stuff TO you -- it really has nothing to do with you. Yet you're interpreting everything you find as another knife in your wounds.

 

Recognize the way that you are actively CHOOSING to hurt yourself by looking at this stuff. And take a stand against that type of self-destructiveness and make yourself stop.

 

Delete your own Facebook account so you're never on there. Block yourself from sites/pages related to her that you find yourself viewing. (Check out your browser's settings on how to do that... it's usually a sort of "child block" feature.) Start a new email address if need be. You need a healthy clean slate online.

[Greyguitar]

Thank you, I appreciate the suggestions.

 

I know it's totally creepy, I feel so ashamed for even looking at that kind of stuff. I didn't think I was that kinda guy but this breakup has just sent me into a state I didn't know existed.

 

I've no idea why I feel compelled to even look, but you're right, I need to stop that right now.

 

The good news is that whilst it hurts like hell for a few hours, it ultimately makes it a bit easier to say "well if she's already moving on, then I don't need her anyway". Which admittedly is what people have been trying to tell me for ages, but I'm actually beginning to see it.

[Andy555]

Hi, I'm goin through pretty much th same situation so feel ur pain! It's been 6 weeks now for me, we tried to giv it another go after a couple of weeks it felt like it was goin well but she didn't feel th same even tho she was passionetly kissing me and having loads of fun her main reasons for ending things is that it just doesn't feel right anymore! I feel my ex has GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) which makes it hard to deal with as iv never had much of a reason for th ending of the relationship!

She then decided to kiss some guy at a club at the weekend and my friend saw. You u can imagine it was hard, least it givs me th reason to move on even tho she told me she was just drunk, all th things she says to me makes me feel she is just trying to make me stil b thr as a back up plan! I do feel she wil realise one day that she made a massive mistake as iv always been a good bf. The best way iv found to make progress is no contact it's a must, every time I end up speaking to her I'm pretty much back at square one! I kno ur situation myt b harder to do this but make sure u keep it to a minimal amount and dnt talk about anythin apart from wat needs to b said, no asking how she is? Wat she has been up to? Take it from me it makes it much harder iv been in and out of contact over th last 6 weeks and it just puts th healing process on hold, I made th same mistake lookin on fb it's not worth doing it to yourself! It's hard to accept that some1 doesn't want u after so long and I stil find it hard all th time but we just hav to move on! One of th hard things I find is how she can move on so quickly and just act as if she has no feelings towards me anymore, she just doesn't seem to care but stil said a week back she loves me so much but it doesn't feel right! She seems to like to mess with my head!

We just need to keep our heads up!

[Greyguitar]

Thanks for the reply, sorry to hear you're facing a similar situation.

 

Yeah it's tough. To be honest, knowing (or at least thinking) she's most probably getting in another dude's pants already is actually helping me move on. It's horrible, and makes me feel terrible even thinking about it, but I figure that if she's able to move on that quickly then it clearly isn't worth my time to be so messed up over it.

 

It's a shame we're financially tied up with the house, but I'm confident that the more she screws around, the weaker the position she's in to fight her case should things get messy with the house sale. As it stands, it doesn't look very convincing that she was happy with our relationship at the time we signed mortgage contracts which was only two months ago.

 

But yeah, I'm beginning to see that time is a healer, and I must admit the last couple days have felt somewhat brighter. I still think about her a hell of a lot, and at this stage, if she came back tomorrow I'd probably still give things another shot. I still stand by the fact that another chance could fix things, but now at least I'm more comfortable with the prospect that may never happen.

[Andy555]

Hi, I'm goin through pretty much th same situation so feel ur pain! It's been 6 weeks now for me, we tried to giv it another go after a couple of weeks it felt like it was goin well but she didn't feel th same even tho she was passionetly kissing me and having loads of fun her main reasons for ending things is that it just doesn't feel right anymore! I feel my ex has GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) which makes it hard to deal with as iv never had much of a reason for th ending of the relationship!

She then decided to kiss some guy at a club at the weekend and my friend saw. You u can imagine it was hard, least it givs me th reason to move on even tho she told me she was just drunk, all th things she says to me makes me feel she is just trying to make me stil b thr as a back up plan! I do feel she wil realise one day that she made a massive mistake as iv always been a good bf. The best way iv found to make progress is no contact it's a must, every time I end up speaking to her I'm pretty much back at square one! I kno ur situation myt b harder to do this but make sure u keep it to a minimal amount and dnt talk about anythin apart from wat needs to b said, no asking how she is? Wat she has been up to? Take it from me it makes it much harder iv been in and out of contact over th last 6 weeks and it just puts th healing process on hold, I made th same mistake lookin on fb it's not worth doing it to yourself! It's hard to accept that some1 doesn't want u after so long and I stil find it hard all th time but we just hav to move on! One of th hard things I find is how she can move on so quickly and just act as if she has no feelings towards me anymore, she just doesn't seem to care but stil said a week back she loves me so much but it doesn't feel right! She seems to like to mess with my head!

We just need to keep our heads up!