tinydancer93 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I've been seeing someone for about a month now and I don't feel like it's going anywhere. I like him, but I can't let this continue because he is not putting enough effort in, which tells me he is not serious about me (I've discussed all this in another thread). So I want to let him know that I'm not interested in seeing him anymore, but I'm not sure how to do this. I've never had to "end" anything before. I am tempted to give him a small window of opportunity for him to "up his game". I'm not necessarily expecting him to; it would just help me to know that at least he had that chance. I want to be brief and to-the-point, giving him enough information so that he understands where I'm coming from, while also being civil and polite (despite being very disappointed). If you were in this situation, how you would end it, what would you say? I was thinking something like: I've enjoyed seeing you but I can see that this isn't going anywhere, and unless that changes I can't put effort into spending time with you anymore. What do you think?
cif Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I would wait until he conact you first then just respond with the first part of the message: I've enjoyed seeing you but I can see that this isn't going anywhere if he responds include the second part, if he doesn't then you know he doesn't care enough. you don't want him to respond with what you want to hear but how he really feels. 2
Jadedbyluv Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I totally agree with cif. No point of wasting your time.
waiting4u Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Yeah, I wouldn't give him a conditional breakup - like, if you improve I will still date you. You deserve somebody who is crazy about you. That said, a month is not long - maybe back off a bit and see if his interest improves? 1
PogoStick Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 You shouldn't make an ultimatum. You should have already expressed what you want and need from a relationship without making it a threat. Since you've already done step 1 (right?), you simply say "This isn't working, I'm done, best wishes."
Babolat Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I would wait until he conact you first then just respond with the first part of the message: I've enjoyed seeing you but I can see that this isn't going anywhere if he responds include the second part, if he doesn't then you know he doesn't care enough. you don't want him to respond with what you want to hear but how he really feels. The only thing I would add, if you want to, is something like "this is not going anywhere for me" Make it clear how you feel, don't leave any room for him to "change" or come back with a "but...". 3
soccerrprp Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Sigh. I give up. What's up, snowflakes88?
Lansing Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I didn't read your other thread but obviously it is key to make it clear that you feel like you are putting more effort into it than him and see how he reacts to that. Maybe he is trying to play it "cool".. or doesn't want to show too much interest in fear of scaring you off.
FemmeMystere Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 1. Don't contact him. If you never hear from him again, he made it easy for you. 2. Do you really want to break up with him, or do you just want to use the threat of your absence to scare him into acting right? If it's the latter, don't. If it doesn't blow up in your face right away, he'll likely play nice until he wins you over again, and then go back to his old ways. I'm sure he's likeable, but he sounds immature. He had his chance - if he's already showing his hind parts after a month, things are not likely to improve. How to end it? If he contacts you, tell him it's over. Be polite, be graceful, but be firm. Let him know in no uncertain terms that things are finished, and there is no potential for reconciliation. I wouldn't even bother with an in-person breakup. 1
snowflakes88 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 What's up, snowflakes88? Just sad to see OP stuck on giving this guy an ultimatum, after all of the details revealed and advice given in her last thread. These two aren't even dating. There's a difference between dating and hanging out/making out at a guy's house for a few weeks. The latter does not require some goodbye speech and ultimatum, IMO. But hey, what do I know? 3
soccerrprp Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Just sad to see OP stuck on giving this guy an ultimatum, after all of the details revealed and advice given in her last thread. These two aren't even dating. There's a difference between dating and hanging out/making out at a guy's house for a few weeks. The latter does not require some goodbye speech and ultimatum, IMO. But hey, what do I know? OP, are you "dating" this guy? Or as snowflakes88 says, just hanging out with him?
Zahara Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 From her last thread, he only invites her to hang out.
kiley22 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 1. Don't contact him. If you never hear from him again, he made it easy for you. 2. Do you really want to break up with him, or do you just want to use the threat of your absence to scare him into acting right? If it's the latter, don't. If it doesn't blow up in your face right away, he'll likely play nice until he wins you over again, and then go back to his old ways. I'm sure he's likeable, but he sounds immature. He had his chance - if he's already showing his hind parts after a month, things are not likely to improve. How to end it? If he contacts you, tell him it's over. Be polite, be graceful, but be firm. Let him know in no uncertain terms that things are finished, and there is no potential for reconciliation. I wouldn't even bother with an in-person breakup. This is such great advice. I'm in a similar situation. If he does contact me, it will most likely via text so it might as well end via text - what would you say exactly to cover all those bases?
Babolat Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 This is such great advice. I'm in a similar situation. If he does contact me, it will most likely via text so it might as well end via text - what would you say exactly to cover all those bases? "You are a great guy, I enjoyed getting to know you, though this is not working out for me" 1
kiley22 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 "You are a great guy, I enjoyed getting to know you, though this is not working out for me" Love it. It's short and to the point, positive, with no attitude.
PlumPrincess Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 From her last thread, he only invites her to hang out. With his buddies!
PlumPrincess Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 "You are a great guy, I enjoyed getting to know you, though this is not working out for me" They are not dating. Like the other poster said, he invites her to hang out with him and his buddies. And she is 20 and he is 42. I would not feed his ego and say good-bye.
devilish innocent Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I think you need to decide which you want to do. Give him a window to try and fix things or just break up with him. The comment you've mentioned indicates that you don't like him anymore. Even if he might have been willing to fix things, he might not put any effort into it because of that. What you could do instead is just have a heart to heart talk with him. Then if things don't change to your satisfaction after that, you can always break up with him shortly afterward.
Phantom888 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 You actually don't even need a reason, being that it's so new and short. Just say we shouldn't date anymore. That's it. People are allowed to change their minds based on observations.
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 You shouldn't make an ultimatum. You should have already expressed what you want and need from a relationship without making it a threat. Since you've already done step 1 (right?), you simply say "This isn't working, I'm done, best wishes." No, I haven't expressed what I want and need from a relationship. I thought about having that talk with him. But I just don't see the point anymore. I really don't think he is that invested in "us", seeing as he isn't even putting in the effort to date me properly.
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Just sad to see OP stuck on giving this guy an ultimatum, after all of the details revealed and advice given in her last thread. These two aren't even dating. There's a difference between dating and hanging out/making out at a guy's house for a few weeks. The latter does not require some goodbye speech and ultimatum, IMO. But hey, what do I know? Snowflakes88 is right. I'm not even worthy enough for a guy to want to DATE me, ha. It's pretty embarrassing, to be honest. But we have been intimate (yeah, I know, I should be ashamed and I am) so I feel like some sort of goodbye is in order. As meaningless and short-lived as this "thing" has been, I'm someone who wants to end things properly rather than leave things hanging, and I want to give him the courtesy of letting him know that I'm not available for him anymore. But yeah, you're right, I shouldn't bother giving him an "ultimatum" (or a window of opportunity) because I don't think he gives enough of a **** to take it. I mean, clearly, he wouldn't feel much of a loss in the first place, so what motivation would he have to even consider manning up and dating me properly?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 If he contacts you, tell him it's over. Be polite, be graceful, but be firm. Let him know in no uncertain terms that things are finished, and there is no potential for reconciliation. I wouldn't even bother with an in-person breakup. I agree completely. Don't give him any room to sweet talk you into sticking around. It's just going to more of the same crap, with a slight polish to it for a while. Firmly, clearly communicate that you won't be seeing him anymore, and then cut off all contact with him. Don't waver or change your mind. He'll only waste your time and bring you more pain. 2
curlygirl40 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 "You are a great guy, I enjoyed getting to know you, though this is not working out for me" Some form of this!!! Evan Marc Katz has a great blog. Google him. He discusses this exact thing in one of his blogs called 'How exactly do I break up with a non committal man?' He basically says the same thing as Babolat says here. This isn't a negotiation or you trying to get him to step up. This is you already knowing that he doesn't want more or he would have stepped up already. This is you telling him that you want more than this and he is not that guy so you are going to go find that guy. Period. If on the off chance (not likely) that he does want to make a girlfriend out of you, he will chase you once you leave. I suspect he'll say 'good luck' and that will be it. Good luck to you! 2
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