Balzac Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Your concerns and your timeline seem odd. You are in your final year, likely submitting resumes and doing or about to do interviews. Six months from now you had envisioned cohabitation. I'd expect you would be in the job offer process and likely traveling. Quite a few training programs begin midsummer. That's five months into any lease if I'm doing simple math correctly. Are you keeping your current job? Is BF in the reserves or on active duty w military sending him for a degree?
Els Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I simply asked if it was something I should bring up. Yes, absolutely bring it up. HOW you bring it up is key, though. The others are correct in that you don't actually have a right to say, "Hey, you shouldn't move in with your best friend when you can afford to live alone." IMO it should be more of a "I think we both have a different idea of how our R should progress. I would like to move in with you - just you, not you and your best friend - in 6 months or so. I'm concerned that you can't break the lease when that time comes. What are your thoughts?" kind of talk. To me, anyway. The others may disagree with me, but IMO there is nothing wrong with you wanting a bf who shares the same relationship desires and timeline as you. And IMO, 25 is not necessarily too young for a guy to be in a live-in relationship - we're not even talking marriage here. Of course, there's nothing wrong with him NOT wanting to be in one either. It doesn't have to be you that's bending over backwards to accommodate that though.
Author tme0 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Your concerns and your timeline seem odd. You are in your final year, likely submitting resumes and doing or about to do interviews. Six months from now you had envisioned cohabitation. I'd expect you would be in the job offer process and likely traveling. Quite a few training programs begin midsummer. That's five months into any lease if I'm doing simple math correctly. Are you keeping your current job? Is BF in the reserves or on active duty w military sending him for a degree? I am keeping my current job until I graduate and get full time work. He is active
crederer Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Emphasize how he'll get less sex. Most women will prefer a man with his own place. He should know the importance of it. He is letting his bro crush cloud his judgment. Don't ever hold sex over a man as a way to try to get him what you want him to do. There's nothing wrong with it, just get more creative. Hell, have sex while the roommate is there, you're all adults as long as it's not 4 am I'm sure they can handle it.
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 WTF? **** no. I wouldn't put up with that. After over a year together and you guys are discussing moving in with his BF, I would not stay with my guy if he moved in with his BF. Why? I have done it before, only we were married and we rented together. NEVER AGAIN. Definitely have a sit down talk about where the relationship is going if this is something he is seriously considering.
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Oy vey. He is active military too? Funny, my ex was as well. Guess what happened when we all lived together? Or marriage went down the drain and video games and his friends became his life. I specifically remember the day it hit me that his friends meant more than me... He invited me to go do everything WITH them. It was never "honey lets go to the movies!" it was "hey honey, we are going to the movies, want to come?" And BOOM. Divorced.
Ouroboros Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Don't ever hold sex over a man as a way to try to get him what you want him to do. There's nothing wrong with it, just get more creative. Hell, have sex while the roommate is there, you're all adults as long as it's not 4 am I'm sure they can handle it. Stating the natural consequences of his choices isn't holding sex over his head. Only an exhibitionist or pro will have sex around others. For many guys that is a dream come true, but expecting her to be that way would be wishful thinking.
Els Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Hell, have sex while the roommate is there .........................................
Author tme0 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 He just got back from signing the paperwork. Last night He was even asking me stuff about when I 'expect' an engagement. We talked about that for awhile. We talked about them moving in. We talked about how he used to live with his friend for his own place when he got engaged to his ex, bc she didn't want to live with the friends also. I said "obviously" and he asked why.I started the obvious reasons and he still thinks it's a great idea. Well, if we get engaged and move in together, he's going to have to look for his own place again first then. And from what I hear..one bedroom apartments in this complex are hard top come by and have waiting lists. So.
Els Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 So you have your answer from him. What are you going to do about it?
Author tme0 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 So you have your answer from him. What are you going to do about it? My answer from him about what?
Balzac Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I am keeping my current job until I graduate and get full time work. The current job was a foregone conclusion - your answer I guess is you've no plans for a job search prior to graduation.
Els Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 My answer from him about what? To the question that you were asking us about whether or not you should ask, no? You have everything out in the open and you know that he is going to be living with his best friend for the foreseeable future; he would even prefer to continue to do so after both of you are engaged. What are you going to do?
Author tme0 Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 To the question that you were asking us about whether or not you should ask, no? You have everything out in the open and you know that he is going to be living with his best friend for the foreseeable future; he would even prefer to continue to do so after both of you are engaged. What are you going to do? Right. Sorry. I've read all these posts so they get jumbled in my mind. Well I'm about to have a talk with him about how when we move in together it will be the two of us, not the 3 of us. We've already talked a lot about how it will be and what I 'expect' ex. For us to go out still the two of us And not the three of us except on occasion. Etc. And balzac, what's the job stuff got to do with this? Obviously I'm going to look for work prior to graduation. I'm not going to graduate then look for work, that's dumb.
Els Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Right. Sorry. I've read all these posts so they get jumbled in my mind. Well I'm about to have a talk with him about how when we move in together it will be the two of us, not the 3 of us. We've already talked a lot about how it will be and what I 'expect' ex. For us to go out still the two of us And not the three of us except on occasion. Etc. Ah, okay. Good luck - hope things work out for you two. I do want to caution you, though, that IMO your bf seems to be in a 'casual' frame of mind - hanging out with the buddies, no plans for actual cohabitation with you (you two + his best friend doesn't really count as cohabitation).... while you seem to have a different viewpoint. If you do decide to stay with him regardless, be sure to not invest too much in the relationship.
Balzac Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Dumb was your choice of word. I can see the big picture as you've posted more here. I get it. You're a local girl in the town where there is a state school. Career plan is local. I had been factoring an international job search, my error. I'm guessing soldier boy just started his degree. My original thought was why the worry for a short term situation. Now I can understand that you're planted in your hometown and that's ok.
Ouroboros Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Expect if you do move out, get married, and even have kids his point of view on how much time his friend needs won't change. I've already seen that kind of relationship.
FitChick Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 His friend does have a girlfriend. She is over at his apartment a lot, stays over a lot and lives with him in the summer. Tell the boyfriend, when he moves in with his best friend, that they should have alternate weekends alone in the apartment. The friend stays with his girlfriend one weekend. The following weekend, this girl only meets him outside of the apartment and if they have sex it has to be in his car or in a hotel room. Or just do without sex that week. Abstinence makes the ____ grow harder. 1
Maleficent Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Y'all. I'm full time in my last year of college. I have two jobs. I save the vast majority of my paychecks. We alternate paying when we go out to eat. I'm 22, he's 25. He has a full time job and is in the military. I know he can afford it bc he's constantly telling me how many hours he's working, how much of a raise he got, how much he got from the military. How he just spent X on something. I go over on weekends. At his request. So we get two days a week. One sometimes. So no I'm not always there. He gets plenty of some time with his best friend. I said they live one building apart. ..so of course they do. In fact he's spending all day with him today. Whenever we go anywhere he always calls the friends to seed of he wants to come too. I am not controlling. I never told him not to in the least. I'm supportive of everything he does. If he does this then ok. Doesn't mean I have to do cart wheels bc of it though. I don't appreciate all the crap. I simply asked if it was something I should bring up. I'm a really good girlfriend and he's constantly telling me that. I tried responding to everything in this one post but might've missed something. Why don't you offer him to move him with him at his current place?
StanMusial Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I honestly can't think of one girl I know who would be OK with it. The justifications just aren't there. It's like he's moving backwards in life. People can do what they want to do but I really don't think this bodes well for your future with this guy.
Fondue Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I honestly can't think of one girl I know who would be OK with it. The justifications just aren't there. It's like he's moving backwards in life. People can do what they want to do but I really don't think this bodes well for your future with this guy. I'm not sure why saving money is such a bad decision choice. I don't think it is a step back, and unless she is willing to provide a home for herself, then she doesn't have the right to complain about HIS living situation. She's trying to control him/his finances by being uptight about him moving in with his good friend. I think that's just uncool. I don't think I'd want associate with a woman who would judge me on my living/financial situations. THat's not a personality trait I'd very much appreciate. The above opinion comes from a man whom lives completely on his own, comfortably.
Els Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Why don't you offer him to move him with him at his current place? The OP said that when she talked to him about moving in together, he said he'd prefer her to move in with him and his best friend instead.
Author tme0 Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 The OP said that when she talked to him about moving in together, he said he'd prefer her to move in with him and his best friend instead. Yeah. I told him when we move in together I want it to be just us. He couldn't understand why. He said well crossed that bridge when wet get there, but when that time comes if we need the friends to stay because of financial reasons he's not just going to move out. I don't understand that. .. he lives fine now on his own and when we move in together I'll have a job and contribute to expenses. When he moved in with his ex, he moved it from living with this same friend, because she didn't want to live with him too. I said "yeah, no girl is going to want to. .." He still can't figure out why even after I have my reasons. And Fondue, ok yeah. I'm not 'judging' him or controlling him. If you knew a single thing about our relationship you'd know I'm not even 1% judgmental or controlling of him. . He can do what he wants but when we're talking about moving in together in the near ish future thenit becomes something that will eventually involved me and I get a say on how I feel about it.
Ouroboros Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Yeah. I told him when we move in together I want it to be just us. He couldn't understand why. He said well crossed that bridge when wet get there, but when that time comes if we need the friends to stay because of financial reasons he's not just going to move out. I don't understand that. .. he lives fine now on his own and when we move in together I'll have a job and contribute to expenses. When he moved in with his ex, he moved it from living with this same friend, because she didn't want to live with him too. I said "yeah, no girl is going to want to. .." He still can't figure out why even after I have my reasons. And Fondue, ok yeah. I'm not 'judging' him or controlling him. If you knew a single thing about our relationship you'd know I'm not even 1% judgmental or controlling of him. . He can do what he wants but when we're talking about moving in together in the near ish future thenit becomes something that will eventually involved me and I get a say on how I feel about it. Basically if he could date his friend he would.
Keenly Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Tell the boyfriend, when he moves in with his best friend, that they should have alternate weekends alone in the apartment. The friend stays with his girlfriend one weekend. The following weekend, this girl only meets him outside of the apartment and if they have sex it has to be in his car or in a hotel room. Or just do without sex that week. Abstinence makes the ____ grow harder. Yeah right, because a man would let his room mate run his life like that.
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