tme0 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 My boyfriend has been talking about moving in with his best friend. They used to live together way back when, but both have their own apartments. One building down from each other. They're going to move in together, again, soon. My boyfriend wants to go today to make a reservation for a 2 bedroom. I don't want him to move in with his friend. We won't have privacy anymore. Yeah we can go to his room, but the walls are only so thick... we can't spontaneously do something somewhere. His friend will always be there. Whenever we go out it'll be like he's included also. Which is ok sometimes but sometimes I want it just us. I'm going to feel so weird. I'm going to feel like I can't talk to my own bf about some stuff bc his friend is a few feet away on the other couch. Whenever we do hang out with his friend, I get ignored. My bf will caress my arm or leg or turn and wink at me every now and then but it's them 2 going on about video games, or guns, or politics, all of which I listen to but can't really contribute to. I stay over all the time. That's going to be weird too. Now, my bf knows I don't like the idea. I've not talked to him about being uncomfortable or left out. Just about the privacy thing and he said it'd be ok. I don't know if it's really my place to tell him "Hey can you please not move in with your friend?" We've been dating 1 yr 3 months. We've talked about moving in together. In maybe 6 months maybe more. I asked him about that. He said I could move in with them 2. And this guy's gf stays over a lot and lives with him in the summers.... Basically, should I say anything? Anything more.
TigerCub Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Question: If you wont be able to hang out and have privacy at his place once he moves in with his friend - what about hanging out at your place? Wouldn't that provide the privacy you need? Do you know why he's moving in with his friend? Is it to save money, or just because he misses having his friend as a roommate?
Author tme0 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Question: If you wont be able to hang out and have privacy at his place once he moves in with his friend - what about hanging out at your place? Wouldn't that provide the privacy you need? Do you know why he's moving in with his friend? Is it to save money, or just because he misses having his friend as a roommate? He says he'll save some money. Which is true, yes, but he is in no way struggling with money. He can afford to live on his own like he is now. I currently live with my parents, so my place offers less privacy. He does come over sometimes though. Just is that something I can ask? Or is it not my place? To see if he'd not move on.
imfine Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It's not really your place to ask him not to make the choice that's best for him. However you need to tell him everything you told us. If he only thinks it's about privacy, I'm sure he thinks you can work around the roommate. You can't be mad at him later for things that concern you and you didn't communicate to him before he made the move. Talk to him. 4
Ouroboros Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Emphasize how he'll get less sex. Most women will prefer a man with his own place. He should know the importance of it. He is letting his bro crush cloud his judgment. 1
Author tme0 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 We just talked on the phone. I told him he ignores me whenever we're with his friend. He said when his friend comes over i go in the room on my computer so of course I get ignored. I've done that like twice and last time was because I had to study. I told him that happens even when we're out at a restaurant or something. He said if I don't know about the subject matter to ask questions. Basically weird for word what I knew he was going to say. He promised it would be ok, he's still going to do it, that nothing will change, etc. So.... I still don't like it.
KatZee Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It's not your place to tell him what to do. He'll only resent you if you try. You say you're always there. Perhaps you should try cultivating your own life. Get your own place, go out with your friends and stop hanging around do much. 5
Ouroboros Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 We just talked on the phone. I told him he ignores me whenever we're with his friend. He said when his friend comes over i go in the room on my computer so of course I get ignored. I've done that like twice and last time was because I had to study. I told him that happens even when we're out at a restaurant or something. He said if I don't know about the subject matter to ask questions. Basically weird for word what I knew he was going to say. He promised it would be ok, he's still going to do it, that nothing will change, etc. So.... I still don't like it. You can always break up with him if it bothers you this much. Only through loss do we learn.
Author tme0 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 It's not your place to tell him what to do. He'll only resent you if you try. You say you're always there. Perhaps you should try cultivating your own life. Get your own place, go out with your friends and stop hanging around do much. I'm not trying to tell him what to do. Is just he's thinking "yay I'll save money! Yay my best friend will be there all the time!" So of course it sounds wonderful. I just want him to know that it's not going to just be fun and wonderful, there's stuff he likes to do that he wont be able to do anymore. He hates wearing clothes, lol, well now he's going to have to wear them all the time. He hates me wearing clothes. Well now i have to. He likes being spontaneous. If we're watching s movie and the mood arises, well now we have to break the moment to go to the room. In the room, all the time. Never in some random place.
leftfordead2 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I'm not trying to tell him what to do. Is just he's thinking "yay I'll save money! Yay my best friend will be there all the time!" So of course it sounds wonderful. I just want him to know that it's not going to just be fun and wonderful, there's stuff he likes to do that he wont be able to do anymore. He hates wearing clothes, lol, well now he's going to have to wear them all the time. He hates me wearing clothes. Well now i have to. He likes being spontaneous. If we're watching s movie and the mood arises, well now we have to break the moment to go to the room. In the room, all the time. Never in some random place. Well if you get your own place, you could do the above.. 2
Author tme0 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Well if you get your own place, you could do the above.. Yeah.....and I will as soon as I am able, but right now I can't. Or.... he could just keep the one he has since he is able to afford it.
Fondue Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Well if you get your own place, you could do the above.. I have to agree with this statement. I don't think you really have much input in this. It is a personal decision. I am absolutely positive he thought of the potential "consequences" of moving in with his friend many times over. He definitely knows it may complicate sex life. The pros outweigh the cons in his eyes. I honestly think you don't have a leg to stand on. If you are not willing to provide an alternative to his living situation (or provide a place for yourself), then that's that. You don't have the right to be upset at this. I'm a man who lives in his own place. I hate the idea of having a roomie, and will likely never have one. But with that said, I do understand people who choose to live with others. Sometimes it's the money, others it is the certain camaraderie, but whatever it is, I really don't think you have much to say in this. Sorry.
Els Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 While I agree with the others re: the fact that he should be free to choose what he wants to do - you should be free to decide on what YOU want from a relationship too. And frankly, I can understand you not wanting to be part of this arrangement. It also seems that both of you have different plans for this R: You're wanting to move in together with him in 6 months, but he wants you to move in with him AND his friend? You're going to have to resolve that somehow. Yes, he has the right to choose where he lives, but when you are in a LTR, your partner's feelings and opinions matter too. If he's completely unwilling to compromise, not even for the long term (ie he's completely against moving in with you, just the two of you, in say 6 months time), you need to decide whether or not you can tolerate this. It's okay to decide that you won't. 1
Fondue Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Yeah.....and I will as soon as I am able, but right now I can't. Or.... he could just keep the one he has since he is able to afford it. I think it is a little snobby that you're thinking this way. It is his money, not yours. Maybe what he's saving in living with his friend would go toward other hobbies, adventures, or hell, even on YOU. It's awful that you're willing to say something like that about HIS finances. 6
TigerCub Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I'm not trying to tell him what to do. Is just he's thinking "yay I'll save money! Yay my best friend will be there all the time!" So of course it sounds wonderful. I just want him to know that it's not going to just be fun and wonderful, there's stuff he likes to do that he wont be able to do anymore. He hates wearing clothes, lol, well now he's going to have to wear them all the time. He hates me wearing clothes. Well now i have to. He likes being spontaneous. If we're watching s movie and the mood arises, well now we have to break the moment to go to the room. In the room, all the time. Never in some random place. Didn't he room with this friend before? I think he knows what he's getting into. It's not your place to 'warn' him of the possible pitfalls. He knows what it's gonna be like. I asked my question of 'what about your place?' to see if you lived on your own or not - and you don't. Until you can make the move to live on your own, you can't really decide what he should do with his money and his living space. I totally get why you're unhappy about this situation and how you guys wont have privacy anymore and how he ignores you when he's with his friends, but there really isn't much you can reasonably do about it. Let him do his thing (without complaining) see how it goes. If things aren't to your liking, create some distance and go there less. You shouldn't be in an environment you don't like. In the meantime, save and get your own place, and you'll have all the privacy you want with this guy or whatever guy comes next if things don't work out with this one. Honestly, there really isn't much you can do about this. 1
Balzac Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It's interesting that you say he can easy afford his own place. You both sound young and fresh out of school. You've yet to be an independent adult, you're living at home. Unless he's showing you his financial spreadsheets in a joint discussion I think you truly don't know. You sound a bit spoiled and whiny. Supportive isn't any part of your rhetoric here. That's not a positive. 1
Emilia Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It's interesting that you say he can easy afford his own place. You both sound young and fresh out of school. You've yet to be an independent adult, you're living at home. Unless he's showing you his financial spreadsheets in a joint discussion I think you truly don't know. You sound a bit spoiled and whiny. Supportive isn't any part of your rhetoric here. That's not a positive. I share this view entirely. I always find it amazing when people who still live with their parents want to tell the financially independent how to lead their lives. OP, it sounds to me you want your boyfriend to give you a certain kind of lifestyle that you don't particularly want to work for yourself. 3
Balzac Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Has it occurred to you that saving money is a skill? Possibly his buddy is purchasing an engagement ring or the guys view this as a last hurrah to free n easy guy life. If you think sex ends when roommates share space, you're delusional and insecure. 1
StanMusial Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I see your point OP. Frankly I find it a little odd that a man with a gf of > 1 year would move in with an old roommate unless he absolutely had to. Something is afoot.
Ouroboros Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I see your point OP. Frankly I find it a little odd that a man with a gf of > 1 year would move in with an old roommate unless he absolutely had to. Something is afoot. I think it is nothing more than if his friend had lady parts he'd marry her.
clia Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I agree with KatZee's post above. You say you currently always stay over at his place. Does he get any time with his best friend without you around? I told him he ignores me whenever we're with his friend. He said when his friend comes over i go in the room on my computer so of course I get ignored. I've done that like twice and last time was because I had to study. If you have to study, you should leave his house and go study. Go the the library, go home, go to Starbucks. You don't have to be sitting there in his face all the time, especially when you are studying. If his friend shows up, maybe the nice thing to do would be to say "Gee, I need to go study anyway. I'm going to take off now. You two have fun." And then leave so they can talk about their video games at length and he doesn't have to worry about whether you are feeling ignored. This is doubly true if you are feeling ignored. Just go do your own thing. You don't have to sit there. I told him that happens even when we're out at a restaurant or something. I don't understand why you are going out to eat so much with the three of you. That's really odd. Again, are you giving him enough alone time with his friend? Does he ever get to go out to eat with his friend without you? He promised it would be ok, he's still going to do it, that nothing will change, etc. So.... I still don't like it. If you want more privacy for the two of you, then get your own place. It's not all on him to provide as much privacy as you want. Also, I seriously doubt his friend is going to be sitting right there in front of you all the time. Surely he has a job and has to leave the house occasionally to go buy toilet paper or go for a bike ride. At the end of the day, this is your boyfriend's decision, and he will likely save a lot of money by living with his friend. I'm sure he's thought about how it is going to affect his life. 2
Els Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Uh, if I read her post correctly, the OP says her boyfriend told her that even in the future, if she ever wants to live with him, she should come live with his best friend and him? Ergo, he has no plans to ever live with her without his best friend in the picture? I completely get the saving money and individual autonomy concerns, but IMO it's quite reasonable for a woman to not want any part of such an arrangement.
Balzac Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 If you need guaranteed privacy-vote w your credit card paying for weekend hotel rooms. That's the adult solution. Start accumulating loyalty points, get a plan. Tell your parents you need a more generous allowance. 2
clia Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Uh, if I read her post correctly, the OP says her boyfriend told her that even in the future, if she ever wants to live with him, she should come live with his best friend and him? Ergo, he has no plans to ever live with her without his best friend in the picture? I completely get the saving money and individual autonomy concerns, but IMO it's quite reasonable for a woman to not want any part of such an arrangement. Yeah, I think this is an entirely separate issue, but all she has to do is say NO to that arrangement. (Which she should.) I took a look back at her posts, and OP is only 21 or 22, so I'm guessing boyfriend is around the same age. It's not surprising to me at all that boyfriend isn't in a rush to move in together or doesn't think much of inviting her to move in with him and his friend, given how young they are. 4
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