Michelle83 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 So I'm just curious how many of you dated someone that didn't work the normal 9-5 and how did you handle it? Especially if you married them/had kids. I know the obvious solution is to just see them when you can and make the times you do see each other more special. But what if they are working a very opposite shift, starting late afternoon and finishing close to midnight? I'm seeing a guy who works this shift and things are going really well, but long-term, I'd want to see more of him and to have more of us time. We basically see each other twice per week at this point which is fine for now, but if we lived together/had kids, it'd be a lot harder. He'd never see them since he'd be going to work when they got home from school and they'd be long in bed before he got back home. Not to mention i'd spend 5 nights a week all alone. The guy I'm seeing does have the option to work the day time shift, but it starts relatively early and he's made it pretty clear he is not a morning person a few times, so I'm kind of scared to approach the topic and see if he'd even consider switching in the future to it or even doing a few days a week an earlier shift so he was only gone during the late afternoon/evening/night a couple times rather than all week long. Is it wrong of me to want this - or be requesting it I mean... if you met someone you got along with well would you just deal with it regardless? Or would it be an issue for you?
Author Michelle83 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Of course it is an issue, especially for the long term. Spending 5 nights alone can never end well. Thanks, it's relieving to know that I'm not the only person who would have an issue with this. I feel like I should be bringing it up to him now since we've been dating for a few months and things are getting more serious and I kind of think it may be a pretty big issue for me. One of the things I enjoy the most about being with someone is cooking dinner, meeting friends for dinner/group dates, spending the night alone together, but all of that would be really hard with him, apart from his two days off a week. He just seems so fixed into this shift, I'm just not sure he'll consider changing.
phineas Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I know many people who work the swing shift & stay married. Some people can do it, some can't. Have you asked him if he's going to change shifts to a normal time? If he has no intentions of doing that then you need to make a decision. Of course, if you haven't been dating him over a yr & mention all that future stuff you mentioned to us he would probably bolt on ya anyways so crisis averted.
Els Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I don't think you should request it at this point of time, but I don't see anything wrong with bringing it up in terms of future possibilities. My partner technically works standard shift, but by nature of his work does so many extra hours and rotates so much that it can be essentially like a non-standard shift sometimes. We handle it. In our case it was easier because we were already in a LTR and living together when he started it, so we did still get an hour or two a day together at minimum, regardless. If you were just starting out, needing to arrange dates, etc, it'd be much harder. I'd probably say it doesn't bode well; might be best to avoid unless you really, really, really think he's the special person you've been waiting for.
Author Michelle83 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Thanks again for the replies. Yeah, I don't think it's necessarily right of me to force him to change right now as it's still early on, but he seems to be interested in something more longer term and constantly talks about how he wants to try hard to really make this work. Yet there have been quite a few times he's alluded to the fact that he could never work days, hates mornings, and so on. He might run, but I guess maybe if that's the course he took, for the best. I'm just at the point where I don't really want to waste time with someone if there is a potential big issue that wouldn't really make me want to move forward, and I know he's slower to open up and a bit scared of becoming attached, but I can feel he is starting to, so maybe best to have the discussion now. Do you think it's best to just ask flat out if he'd ever consider switching to days or maybe phrase it as if he were to have a family in the future, how it would work with his current schedule, then see if maybe he goes there on his own. He mentioned this past weekend he does want a family later on, we're both pretty set on not having kids right away though.
StanMusial Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I dated a girl that worked as a nurse on third shift. It was kind of a pain obviously. Even on the weekends when she wasn't working she would get up in the middle of the night and eat "lunch". It wasnt the reason we split up but it was not ideal.
Els Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 How long exactly have the two of you been together? Has it been at least a month, or are we talking fifth date or something here? Do you think it's best to just ask flat out if he'd ever consider switching to days or maybe phrase it as if he were to have a family in the future, how it would work with his current schedule, then see if maybe he goes there on his own. He mentioned this past weekend he does want a family later on, we're both pretty set on not having kids right away though. That being said, I think if both of you are at the stage where you're talking future family plans, it should be fine to ask what you're planning to ask, just make sure that it's in the hypothetical. Yes, there's a risk that he'll run, but it's one you have to take if this is that important to you.
Author Michelle83 Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 We've been officially dating for about three months now, but we've known each other for about 7-8 years I'd say and have done activity dates many, many times but due to various other reasons, we were both never able to really pursue a relationship. Now that we both are available though, things are moving really smoothly all in all. It just feels really comfortable as I've known him for so long and we are extremely similar in many ways. All is really good, it's just this issue in the back of my mind.
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