Going through the '5 year itch'

[7tai3de]

Hello everyone. I'm new here. This is going to be quite a long post, but hopefully some of you will find it interesting and have some advice for me! Here we go...

 

I'm 27. I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years. We met towards the end of 3 years at uni, then we both moved to London afterwards, lived with different friends, and now we live together. It's been great, ups and downs of course, but we are incredibly similar people, and get along so easily. We're so close, we know everything about one another. We rarely ever argue, or even bicker. She's easy going, and completely loves me with all her heart. We want the same things – we're creative, career-driven (we even do the same job – in the design industry), and both want a settled life with a nice house and all that sort of stuff. We have a lovely apartment together and earn comfortable salaries. We both want marriage and kids too… one day!

 

Anyway, everything was pretty normal this summer. Until I went to a festival and met somebody else. During 3 days of sun, amazing music and drinking, I fell head over heels for her. She's a new housemate of some of my friends –*I had met her once before, but not really spoken. We had an absolutely amazing time at the festival. My girlfriend was not there by the way!

 

Anyway, I came back feeling pretty confused. This hadn't really happened before. I tried to write it off as a silly crush; after all, a festival is like an out-of-reality experience. But I just couldn't stop thinking about her. She's different to my partner in a lot of ways. She's French, an artist, and incredibly care-free and fun. She doesn't live on much money, but makes really lovely illustration work. She has the coolest taste in music ever, incredibly similar to my own (my girlfriend's music taste is pretty terrible! We share very similar taste in almost everything, except this). We had this instant chemistry; as though we'd known each other for years and years.

 

Seeing as this new girl is a part of my friendship circle back in London, I was inevitably going to see her quite a lot once we got back. But instead of leaving it at that, I began to pursue her. Messaging at first, and then meeting up for lunch and coffee. I'm not going to lie –*this period of time was incredibly fun. Like being a teenager again –*except that my teenage years were never actually like this, so it was better! Like getting the chance to live them again, and do it properly. Butterflies in the stomach, thinking about her all the time, completely crazy for her. It was a nice change to the steady monotony of a relationship!

 

I did feel guilty about it, but not a huge amount. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't cheating, because after all I was just meeting up with her for a coffee, like I do with a lot of my other female friends. But deep down, I knew it was wrong, because I didn't mention any of it to my partner.

 

I carried on though. It felt like a bit of a harmless fantasy. However, one night I got drunk, and was out with the new girl. Again, my partner wasn't there. When she left for the night, I ran after her, told her how I feel, and she also said that she feels the chemistry between us. However, she says she doesn't want a relationship; she's happy being independent and single.

 

That moment was singularly so incredibly exciting, but also completely awful! It suddenly became very real. I began to think that I was seriously going to have to end things with my partner. I had been contemplating that for a while at this point, but not that seriously. Suddenly I started to feel sick with guilt, confusion, and fear.

 

So, where do things stand now? My partner has known something isn't right ever since the festival (which was 2 months ago now). We've had a few difficult conversations, and she is really struggling with anxiety around the whole thing. She's cried so many tears. I've told her that being at the festival without her, having fun and getting drunk on my own, gave me a taste of single life, and now I feel unsure whether I want to be in the relationship. Maybe I just need time on my own for a bit.

 

Everything I've told her is true, except the part about meeting someone else. She probably suspects it, but I've lied to her and said that it's not about anyone else, it's just about wanting to be single for a bit.

 

She loves me unconditionally with all her heart. She keeps saying it. She wants to be together forever.

 

I don't know how I feel right now. I've been talking to some of my friends, and hoping things would clear up in my head, one way or the other, but everything still feels as confusing as it did 2 months ago. I'm crazy about this new girl. But I also can't face the harsh reality of having to say "it's over" to my girlfriend, separate all our stuff and move out. I guess that makes me a bit of a coward! I feel like I can't decide either way.

 

So far, I guess this is quite a common story.

 

But here's the extra stuff that is making it even harder.

 

We can't have sex. My girlfriend has a condition called 'vaginismus'. Basically it's a subconscious, anxiety-related reaction to sex. When we met, at age 21, she had never even kissed another boy before. I had been with a few girls, had some sexual experiences, but never actually had penetrative sex. I had massive issues about being a 'virgin', but at last had met someone who was ready to have sex with me.

 

It didn't work then, and it doesn't work now. Her vagina won't allow my penis to enter it. We have been to see a lot of people about it. We've really tried. We went to sexual therapy, once a week, at a relationship centre in London. It was a good experience, we got a lot closer because of it, and talked about all kinds of issues as well as the sex. But after 18 months, it still didn't work, and I said I wanted to stop going. It was expensive! And although we got somewhere, it felt to me like things would never change.

 

So, we do have a sexual relationship together, but we have to make do with doing everything but penetrative sex. I don't know what we're going to do about it. Most of the time we just try to forget about the problem, because we can't face trying to tackle it anymore.

 

We finished the sex therapy over a year ago. Then I tried going to a bit of regular therapy on my own, with a different therapist, but I didn't really like it. The most recent attempt to do something was right before I went to this festival. I was getting frustrated that things were becoming stale again, so I suggested going back to see our original sex therapist, just for a one-off session; to check in with her and ask for some advice about what to do.

 

During the session, I once again expressed my fears that I don't think it's ever going to be cured. If things don't work between us now, after 5 years of being extremely close, and all the therapy, will it ever change? In all our previous sessions, she had always replied to me with reassuring answers such as: "it's incredibly common, and very easy to cure, and you will beat it. You're nearly there!"

 

But this time, she actually said, "well maybe you're right, maybe it will never work". That left me reeling. I felt even worse.

 

Then the very next morning I went to the festival, and met this new girl. Good timing, huh!

 

So that's pretty much everything. If you read it all, thank you for taking an interest. And if you have any advice, I'd love to hear it.

[Better]

We can't have sex. My girlfriend has a condition called 'vaginismus'. Basically it's a subconscious, anxiety-related reaction to sex.

 

I was married for quite a long time to a woman with vaginismus. Like you, we as a couple went to sex therapy to both help her get past her mental block and to help me become the caring person she required to help her. There are lots of things that are recommended, including sensate focus and dilators for her that gradually increase in size.

 

We went through this for years and it never helped. I suspect that there is just some sexual trauma in her past that she either isn't willing to or can't deal with, and ultimately we ended up divorcing over it.

 

I know it is a somewhat common problem with women. I also know from a lot of counseling that it is "curable" in a relatively short period of time, but it requires a lot of work on the part of the couple. My experience with others in this situation is that if it goes on as long as what you have already been through, it's unlikely to change.

 

That doesn't mean that I advocate cheating on your girlfriend, though. If this is a problem for you, do the right thing and end the relationship before pursuing a new one with someone else.

[Omei]

So, where do things stand now? My partner has known something isn't right ever since the festival (which was 2 months ago now). We've had a few difficult conversations, and she is really struggling with anxiety around the whole thing. She's cried so many tears. I've told her that being at the festival without her, having fun and getting drunk on my own, gave me a taste of single life, and now I feel unsure whether I want to be in the relationship. Maybe I just need time on my own for a bit.

 

I just want to bring to your attention if you leave this girl and say the words "Maybe I just need time on my own for a bit." That's 100% not true since im guessing you didn't think to leave your girl before you met this other one, maybe the stresses of your relationship are taking its toll and you are entranced by this new woman, the only advice I have is if you choose to move on it doesn't sound like its because you want to be on your own, and end things with your girl first before you do something sexual, you're already emotionally cheating. Make your choice wisely, if you pick to go to this new girl it's very unlikely you can ever turn back put yourself in your girls shoe's you've been being dishonest.

[lauri]

I know you don't want to hurt her, but I think its best you end it with her. It will put things in perspective for you - you will risk her moving on but think if you were in her shoes..what would you want? I suspect my ex went through something similar while I was living abroad...she would never admit it but I'm sure there is someone else. I posted about it earlier..

 

It hurt me more to go through the pain of not knowing and being kept in the dark, especially feeling something was wrong but she wouldn't tell me. You may realize it was a mistake or it was for the best. If you truly care about her you will do what's right. If that other girl said yes to you, you would probably be with he now and had left you ex. Remember, infatuation goes just as fast as it comes up.

[pteromom]

Your gf deserves someone who really wants to be with her. And she deserves honesty.

 

At the same time, by breaking up with your gf and pursuing this other girl, you are just setting yourself up for heartbreak. Yes, you'll probably have sex with her, but then what? All that is going to do is make you fall deeper for her, and she's already told you she has no interest in a relationship.

 

It sounds like your gf is a winner. I mean, yes, there is the sex issue, but she's been willing to keep trying - it was you who stopped therapy. But otherwise, she sounds pretty awesome and like a great match for you.

 

I guess it comes down to what you will regret more.

 

Imagine that you break it off, you have sex with this new girl then she disappears on you. Meanwhile, your gf has moved on and is dating a new guy. Was it worth it to have amazing sex that you have dreamed of?

 

Or does it give you more anxiety to imagine letting the new girl go?

[NoLeafClover]

.."Look at me look at me... I have GIGS and I'm a liar"

[NoLeafClover]

I keep reading this and I feel so bad.

 

...poor ex of yours.

 

all I hear is, ME this and ME that. The new girl made ME feel like this and my ex makes ME feel like that.

 

You think by coming open on here and telling yourself it isn't cheating by hanging out with someone else behind your ex's back is not considered cheating? I guess unless there is intercourse, it's all free game to you.

 

What are you some young woman going through your period or menopause?

Nothing worse than an indecisive man.. really wtf man.

 

You strung along your ex for so long to end up with some chick that clearly told you she wants to enjoy the single life?

 

How long until you realize you are being blind sided by the urge of something new?

 

Sorry but I don't agree with anything you're doing. You're being very selfish after stringing someone along for 5 years. If your ex did that to you going behind your back ..you would be on here crying your eyes out.

 

You should really get a grip of yourself ...and stop making excuses by putting your gf down and her condition. You knew of her condition for years now out of nowhere it is a big problem? Isn't it funny it's to be talked about now that you have someone new on the side?

 

You know bring her this way because she truly needs a real man in her life. Let's see how you'd feel. You're not being fair at all. I think I speak for all the real men in here when I say we don't have time to let sh*t like your ex's conditions or other women to make us question if we want to be with our girlfriends.

What about when you get married and your wife has kids and possibly gain some weight or wrinkles?

 

Wait, what about when this new girl ends up being someone different after this honeymoon phase comes to end?

 

Read your last comment and tell me what you think of your own words?

 

"But this time, she actually said, "well maybe you're right, maybe it will never work". That left me reeling. I felt even worse.

 

Then the very next morning I went to the festival, and met this new girl. Good timing, huh!"

 

 

Is it GIGS or is it a 5yr old itch? Either-way you f**ing up

[7tai3de]

Hello. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and post their thoughts.

 

Good or bad, it's always very helpful to get an outside opinion. NoLeafClover, wow I didn't expect a reply that harsh, but maybe it is what I need to hear. Whilst I thank you for your brutally honest words, I would just like to clarify a few things - I am well aware of how bad my behaviour has been. I do *not* believe that what I've done is at all acceptable, and I *do* consider it cheating. Sorry if I didn't make that clear in the original post. It's emotional cheating, it doesn't matter that I haven't kissed her, the way I have been thinking and acting is still very wrong.

 

Also, I have not been "stringing my ex along for 5 years". We have had 4.5 very happy years together. Things have started to get very strained, and yes now I have been acting like a royal prick, and stringing her along for 2 months, unable to decide either way. I hate myself for being this indecisive. Yes I'm being incredibly selfish, and a coward.

 

Anyway, I'm not at all trying to justify anything I have done. I was just a little shocked by how harsh your reply was, and wanted to set a few things straight.

 

As for what's going on now...

 

I have committed to try and make the relationship work. I am not going to contact or see the new girl, at all if I can help it. I'm still thinking about her...but trying my best to stop. I KNOW that it is "GIGS" as you call it. It's infatuation, and right now I need to get her out of my head. If she hadn't come along, I wouldn't be thinking about ending the relationship. It's as simple as that. So, to me, that means that I'm considering ending it for the wrong reason. I cannot end it just to be with the new girl. If I end it, it has to be because of the correct reasons.

 

I hope you agree. Maybe some of you are right, and the sex thing has gone too far to ever be cured, and maybe it's done irreparable damage to the relationship. Maybe we can never come back from this. But I want to try, because we do have a good relationship in many other areas.

 

I'm not sure which thing I would regret more – giving up the chance of a new life with a new person, or throwing away a great relationship. Whatever I do, I'll regret something. So I'm trying to not let that be a factor.

 

Also, I am aware that if we are going to make things work, she deserves 100% honesty from me, and that will mean telling her about the festival and the new girl and everything. I am aware of that. I can't face doing it...but maybe I'm just a complete coward. I know that I need to. I'm working up to it.

 

I wonder what your thoughts will be to all this...

 

Thanks again