AlexisCee Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Hi everyone! I've been dating this guy for 6 months. We have yet to have sex. At first I wanted to wait to have sex for several reasons. 1) I'm a virgin and I'm nervous about my first time 2) I wanted to make sure he wanted me for me and not just sex 3) Because of our fairly large age gap(21 and 43) again in the back of my mind I'm thinking he wanted to hit it and quit it at first Now, we are going into our 7 months of dating(in a few days), and he is getting frustrated. He has been pressuring me to have sex a lot even getting a little aggressive/angry if I say no. Now, everything with him is I'm not committing to him fully or that our relationship is like a middle school relationship because we don't really do anything sexual other than touching each other when we kiss. I know it is asking a lot for him to wait, but I would think if you really like a person then it should be easy to compromise and be patient. However, am I asking for too much? It is going on 7 months now...Can you wait that long?
heartshaped Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I don't agree with anyone pressuring someone into sex under any circumstances. I'd end things for that reason alone. 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Personally I would imagine for me, it'd be asking too much to expect an adult relationship while holding back the sexual side of things. You should wait until you are ready, though. But it sounds like you did the right thing holding out on this guy! Aggressive and angry...? Unless you're really exaggerating, that shows everything about his character. At this stage if you have sex you probably won't enjoy it and will regret it because you feel pressurised and your primary goal is to do it for him, and the relationship might well have ran its natural course anyway so I wouldn't be surprised if he left you afterwards. I think it's time to move on from this guy, ship has probably sailed. In the future you might want to try and meet somebody who also wants to wait a while before sex, as it's just too damaging for most fledgling relationships between adults who aren't both virgins. 1
carhill Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 How often do you date? For most adults, if sexually active and not prohibited by their cultural/belief systems, six months is a really long time to date one person and not be sexually active with that person. I say that as a person who dated a fair amount as a virgin and lost his virginity relatively late in life (30's). I wouldn't pressure a lady. I'd merely leave. Dry hole. Intimate relationships include sex. I've got male friends to hug and have beers with. 4
MalachiX Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It's not your fault for wanting to wait until you are ready. Remember that and don't feel bad. HOWEVER, it's not his fault as and adult for wanting an "adult" relationship. Once you have gotten used to adult relationships, it's rather hard to go six months without having sex. Your body just goes a little crazy. You two are in very different places in your lives (he's twice your age); so it shouldn't surprise you that you may not be right for each other RIGHT NOW. That shouldn't make you feel bad or make him feel bad. It's just the nature of the beast. 2
ThomasD Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I don't agree with the claim that a "normal" or "healthy" or "mature" relationship should include sex after a particular length of time - whether that time is 3 dates, 3 months, or 3 years. I think the real problem here is that you and your B/F have different ideas about the significance, value, purpose, and meaning of sex. I suspect you haven't really thought through that question for yourself, though the fact that you are a virgin at 21 implies that you have a fairly high regard for sex. (I'm glad you do!) After you start to form these ideas in your own mind you need to communicate them to him. This is a discussion that needs to happen rationally, in daylight, not at 2:00 AM in his apartment or the back seat of your car. My wife and I "waited" a little over a year before we had sex. For us, sex is related to our commitment to each other as life partners. We were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (I gave her mine, and she offered hers) on our wedding night. I think knowing that there was a definite time when we WOULD have sex was a significant help in keeping the promise to wait. And, early in our relationship she made it clear that if she was a virgin when her wedding day started, she expected to have plenty of sex in the days after. As our relationship moved through dating and engagement, our lovemaking became more intimate and personal, and it was more apparent to me that she was quite serious about that promise - and the 39 years since then have proven it to be true.
CryForNoOne Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Well after 7 months I'd say he didn't want you just for sex (#2) and that he won't hit it and quit it (#3) so that leaves #1 (your nervous about your first time). Sorry but its time to grow up and either have sex with him or breakup. 7 months is a ridiculously long time to wait for a man with normal sex drive and no religious hangups. If you're just nervous, you're too immature for him. Of course if there are other reasons you won't sleep him that's a different story, but I'm going off of your list...
MrCastle Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Don't know where you think a relationship with a man 22 years your senior can go but I assure you not much further than sex. If you're cool with that then have it with him already. If not, save yourself for someone you can have a realistic future with, if losing your virginity to someone special means that much to you. 4
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Don't know where you think a relationship with a man 22 years your senior can go but I assure you not much further than sex. If you're cool with that then have it with him already. If not, save yourself for someone you can have a realistic future with, if losing your virginity to someone special means that much to you. Like MrCastle 2
Sunshine87 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I have a problem with his aggression. Ild advise you to save your virginity for a special relationship.
napy666 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I'm a virgin too 26 years old and plan to wait until marriage but thats my thing for your case its up to you, yeah you should wait for that special someone but then again thats what everyone has done and it ended badly. Waiting a long time isn't a bad thing but again its all you. 1
salparadise Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) I know it is asking a lot for him to wait, but I would think if you really like a person then it should be easy to compromise and be patient. However, am I asking for too much? It is going on 7 months now...Can you wait that long? I think he's already been amazingly patient. How much longer do you want to wait, and for what reason? The thing is, sex is a fundamental human need. Sex is a normal part of adult relationships, and he's not wrong for having some expectations. The guy is in his 40s, in a long-term relationship, and he's not getting laid... zero, zilch, none at all! Why? It sounds like to me that you've been sort of dangling the intention, leading him to believe that you're about ready, and after seven months it's making him crazy, and justifiably so. If you have strong beliefs regarding sex before marriage or something like that then it should have been discussed. You didn't mention that so I assume it's not the case. If you're simply not ready, for whatever reason, you owe it to him to let him know that so he can move on if he chooses. If you have no reason other than some apprehension about having sex for the first time then just get on with it already. At 21 it's not like you're still a child. I interpret what you said about anger and aggression to actually mean that he's frustrated, which is understandable. If he's literally angry and aggressive then perhaps it's time to reconsider the relationship. You have to choose what's right for you, but don't keep him bottled up like this if you have no intention of becoming sexual anytime soon. Edited September 17, 2013 by salparadise
BradJacobs Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 How long is too long? At the point I get sexually frustrated I bail. Seven months makes this guy a saint in my book. His frustration is normal. What isn't is the pressure for sex. He's 43. He should know when to walk away.
SoaringPhenix Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 If he is being aggressive and getting angry at you saying no I say RUN! RUN FAR, RUN FAST, AND DON"T LOOK BACK! This is a huge red flag. No one should ever get aggressive because they aren't getting what they want. This will only get worse. Over time he will begin controlling you more and more. You will eventually end up walking on eggshells around him because anything you do he doesn't like will end up in a fight. 2
Phantom888 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 He's old enough to be your father. He is waiting, and demanding sex. He must think it's great to manipulate a young girl. Are there any red flags about his character? People older than me (I'm 39) generally don't go for girls that young unless they have some serious issues. 2
RedRobin Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 He's old enough to be your father. He is waiting, and demanding sex. He must think it's great to manipulate a young girl. Are there any red flags about his character? People older than me (I'm 39) generally don't go for girls that young unless they have some serious issues. I second this. Also, OP, I'm going to suggest that your, um, 'gentleman' isn't waiting for you at all. It is almost guaranteed he is having his sexual needs met elsewhere while he spends his spare time trying to break the will of a young woman like yourself. since you are so young, you would have no clue about this... nor would you know how to figure out if he is. Your instincts are putting you in the right direction... and that this dude isn't safe. Kick him to the curb and find an age appropriate match, is my advice. 2
crederer Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 How many LTR have you had previous? If this is your first, the fact that he's that much older and you being a virgin is strange on both your parts. Not trying to be judgemental or anything, just being honest.
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