Thoughts? MY Fiancee Left Me BITTERLY After Five Years...WHY?

[Tarleton82]

I feel so incredibly embarrassed about this but I've been hurting so badly I literally do not want to even live most days. My fiancee of five years left me. Its now September and this all started at the beginning of July when she said she was "unsure" of us. And all of this came out of NOWHERE. Five years. She wore my grandmother's ring, too, a family heirloom. She was my best friend, I know everyone says this but it simply makes no sense. Of course, I was devastated and so immediately, that very week I wrote her a long note and invited her over for dinner, lit candles, everything. I told her whatever grievances she had with me and whatever was making her unsure that I would do whatever it took to work on that not only for her, but for us. Weeks passed and it got uglier. She works as a bartender and calls me one night we were supposed to have dinner and says "now baby, don't get upset but I'm not wearing the ring but ONLY because the diamond was loose on it and I was afraid it would get lost". Immediately I called bull****, as anyone would. It was obvious. She flipped when she suspected I was skeptical. I asked, "Could you turn around (she was driving) and get it so I can have a look at it? After all, its a family heirloom". She cursed at me, dropping F bombs, it was horrible. Which made it all the more obvious she was lying, even though she swore she was telling the truth. Naturally, all of these things as they went on made me more crazy and eventually when things got really ugly I begged and I pleaded and I cried, all of that. I even got angry and we had a few really nasty verbal arguments. No one, not even mutual friends who were girls could understand her or figure her out. People kept saying the same thing, "I've never heard of someone like this, even during a breakup". So I felt so alone because NO ONE could even tell me anything, had any idea as to what her problem was.

 

Money was an issue the last eight months of our relationship, but we had both been laid off AND lost our cars. So, that obviously puts a lot of strain on things. She hated living with her parents (she temporarily moved back home in the winter so she could get to school and work on time, because we lost our cars, but we still spent A LOT of regular time together and talked every day). and never gets along with her mother. Her mother, who offered to pay for the wedding CANCELLED the wedding suddenly because I got laid off of work temporarily (I am back to working full time and was when she broke up with me). I know she blamed some of her anger toward her mother on me, however, there were other things she brought up that made no sense, trivial things that every couple complains about. I never cheated on her, I never abused her, nothing like that. So we do this counselor thing she suggested. I booked the sessions, got it all set up. So, she goes to every weekly session, then after each one I don't hear from her ALL week. Nothing. No texts, no calls. She even stopped saying "I love you". She was numb. It was like someone stole her brain and her soul. It was heart-wrenching. I kept asking her why she wouldnt' even see me or talk to me after we were going to counseling, that it was so uncharacteristic of her. She called me annoying, and all sorts of HORRIBLE, AWFUL things. Even called me a "mistake". Who WOULDN"T react passionately to that? Its devastating! Especially if the person isn't even giving you clear answers. So many times I would plead with her, "baby, what specifically is wrong? Why do you hate me so much?" "why are you not yourself"? She would stare at me with these icy, dead, cold eyes, like someone with no emotion. She didn't cry once during all of this. Yet she cried like a baby the day I put the ring on her finger. Then, she, after telling me repeatedly "I would never do that to you", she deliberately KEPT my cat. A cat that was closer to me and didn't even like her that much. She kept it and used an excuse to justify her actions.

 

I haven't spoken to her in about a month. Her last words to me were "F*** You" and I then hung up. How can she be so cold? Why does she view me as the bad guy? I did have my flaws. Who doesn't? I was stressed about finances and worried about things like that. One of her complaints was that she felt I didn't support her going back to school. Not true. I did. I just wanted to make sure we were financially secure first.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? And, does anyone have ANY idea what the HELL is going through someone's head like this? How the hell does someone just shut that off? She actually told me the second to last time I spoke with her, "No, I don't love you anymore". How do you just shut that off? How can she be so mean? Is this forever? She never had any sort of relationship with her exes post breakup, but I was her longest and only one with an engagement. I know i shouldn't feel this way but I still love her so much and miss her.

[eleve82]

Tartleton, reading your story, I was very surprised at your fiancee's behaviour. It's definitely not normal behaviour. I don't think anyone here will be able to understand her behaviour, and perhaps she is hiding something major from you. Regardless of the reason, it is a huge warning flag. Would you want to marry someone as emotionally unstable or uncommunicative as she is? I know right now you are hurting and probably miss her, but the rational side needs to realise that she has probably done you a favour by showing you her true colours before you two got married.

 

good luck and i hope you feel better soon!

[Tarleton82]

What major could she be hiding do you think? She cited finances as one of her grievances which is legitimate but the rage, the anger, the venom spitting and saying my texts of pleading and begging "annoy" her and that I'm a "douchebag" for it...it just seems too harsh. She used to think the WORLD of me. For nearly five years. How do you just stop doing that and does she really hate me?

 

Does anyone think she really hates me?

[Tarleton82]

I know people say it doesn't matter but I worry that she does hate me and says all sorts of nasty, vicious things about me. She used to crack jokes about the guy she was with before me all the time, calling him a loser. He was rarely brought up but if ever he was she never had anything nice to say about him, and that was just a very short-term relationship when she was younger. I would hate to think that after five years she's saying things like that about me.

[Tarleton82]

Thank you, guys, I really appreciate that. I just wish I knew how someone could see themselves as a victim in this as she does. Victim for what? And as horrible as she was, I just really, for some reason, and I really, really hate myself for this but I do still want her back and love her. I feel like such an idiot for this.

[HoneyBunny2003]

Tarleton82 so sorry you have to go through this. Just know that no matter what happens things will get better and sooner than you think!!

 

I have been lurking here for several months now trying to deal with my own breakup, but something in your story made me want to post a reply.

 

I don't want to hurt you any more than you already are, but have you thought about the possibility that there is someone else?

 

I am not as young as a lot of people here, and have been through (and done) a lot. One thing I have seen over and over again is when someone you're with starts to display that Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type of behavior in a previously loving relationship, there is almost always someone else.

 

It hurts like hell to think of it, but it is often the most logical explanation and will cause a lot of things to make sense.

 

For your sake, I hope this is not the case, but perhaps the thought will help you to figure things out. Hang in there!!

[Tarleton82]

The thought itself is enough to make me just want to roll over and literally die, or wish I wish dead, at least. I asked her over and over and over again and each time she continually said I was letting my "imagination" get to me. She said there was no one else. But I'll never know, I guess.

[HoneyBunny2003]

Coach Ernesto: You are absolutely right. The whole "knowing" thing is sometimes a damned if you do damned if you don't position anyway.

 

I was just throwing the thought out there. However, the best thing for you to do is to try not to spend too much time trying to figure out what she was/is thinking. It may sound cold, but at tnis point it really doesn't matter. You will never really know exactly what happened, but one day you won't care. Trust me, you won't.

 

I know how you feel because my ex and I never really talked about everything that happened. He lied a lot so I didn't know what to believe anyway. This has happened to me before, and as hard as it is you have to make up your mind that it just doesn't matter any more.

 

Focus on YOU. What you are thinking, feeling, your part in the relationship and what you can do to move on. It's hard but you can and will do it.

 

Hang in there.

[Tarleton82]

I appreciate your kind words but you know what would make me feel a lot better? I hope she suffers the same kind of emotional anguish I am. Or I hope she is unsuccessful in her pursuits, at least. Its not fair that she can get away with this AND my cat and do all these horrible things to me and see herself as the victim and not suffer for it.

[HoneyBunny2003]

I appreciate your kind words but you know what would make me feel a lot better? I hope she suffers the same kind of emotional anguish I am. Or I hope she is unsuccessful in her pursuits, at least. Its not fair that she can get away with this AND my cat and do all these horrible things to me and see herself as the victim and not suffer for it.

 

Oh don't worry, she will. Karma is universal as they say. But the key is healing yourself and moving on so that by the time it happens you will either not care or actually feel pity for her. I love cliches because they are all based in truth: The world is round. What goes around comes around. You reap what you it sow. It will happen.....

[Tarleton82]

I hope you're right, and that its not just something to say to make me feel better, although I do appreciate it. I was never a vulnerable, easily hurt person before all of this, that's why its killing me so much. I was always so powerful and a go-getter. She ruined me. I really, truly hope she gets something emotionally horrible or unlucky happen to her.

[Hoaks]

Tarleton82 so sorry you have to go through this. Just know that no matter what happens things will get better and sooner than you think!!

 

I have been lurking here for several months now trying to deal with my own breakup, but something in your story made me want to post a reply.

 

I don't want to hurt you any more than you already are, but have you thought about the possibility that there is someone else?

 

I am not as young as a lot of people here, and have been through (and done) a lot. One thing I have seen over and over again is when someone you're with starts to display that Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type of behavior in a previously loving relationship, there is almost always someone else.

 

It hurts like hell to think of it, but it is often the most logical explanation and will cause a lot of things to make sense.

 

For your sake, I hope this is not the case, but perhaps the thought will help you to figure things out. Hang in there!!

 

This is what i dont understand with people like this. My ex is the same. She said the most hurtful nasty things to me during the end. Made me out to be the bad guy, some monster. While she was the victim. So her saying all these nasty things, really really bad things, but denied time after time that there was no one else. Well, there was someone else, her ex. So why not just tell me that, it couldnt have hurt me any more. She can call me every name under the sun, but could never just say there was someone else. That, would have been a cleaner break for me, and i would never have tried to contact her again.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Sorry man, but honeybunny hit the nail on the head- and I'm also older than most of you.. Been there, seen it and done it all.

 

Its the ONLY explaination for that type of behavior. Its easier for her to make you the villain.

 

Unfortunately this can't be solved by YOU in anyway possible.

 

Fiance? Seriously man, you DID dodge the proverbial bullet. Had you been married, lawyers would be involved and they LOVE making nice guys like you the evil person to has to PAY.

 

I'm truly sorry for your heartbreak, let her go, and don't let the door slam her (too hard) on the way out.

 

That ring will someday go to a better person.

[HoneyBunny2003]

They have to make you out to be the villan to justify their actions both to themselves and others. It's actually a lot easier than admitting to being selfish, dishonest, imperfect people that are caught up in something so ridiculous that it won't last. Don't worry too much about it. Her tune will change, especially if you don't try to contact her or win her back. All of a sudden you will become a "wonderful person who deserves the best out of life" (yuck) just not her. Don't believe the good or the bad from them. It's just something they do to make themselves feel better. It's not about you at all really. Hang in there.

[Tarleton82]

Well towards the end of the breakup I did flip out and get angry and sad and showed her all of those things, sent her a million texts pleading and begging, called her literally a million times. I couldn't help it, I just wanted her to explain herself and to show some remorse or some guilt.

 

I guess I will never hear from her again. She's a notorious grudge holder. Never again I guess will I hear from her. Ever.

[Chi townD]

What major could she be hiding do you think?

 

Another dude she seeing from her job at the bar. Kind of makes sense. She needed to Demonize you in her eyes so she didn't have to feel guilty about what she was doing. It would be easier to say to herself, "I wouldn't be with this other guy now if he wasn't such an asshat." But, the funny thing is, when you think about it, I speculate that it was HER that started up most of the fights. It's easier to cheat on someone if you're mad at them.

 

And if there is another dude in the picture, he was probably feeding her a lot of sh*t about you to help her not feel so guilty so he could get into her pants.

 

"Your boyfriend lost his job? Dude can't even hold down a job and provide for you? What a loser." And she bought into it.

 

Something to think about. But, I've seen this scenario before.

[hotgurl]

I am sorry you are gong through this. Maybe I missed in in your post but did you get the ring back? Did you ever see it after she said she wasn't wearing it?

[Tarleton82]

Yes, I got it back.

[JDPT]

Based on what you've disclosed, I personally believe that she had enough of everything that was occurring in her environment. She is clearly in a miserable place in her life and doesn't not know how to cope any further.

[Tarleton82]

Well whatever her reasons, she can't blame me for reacting the way I did when she was so mean to me, too. I didn't call her a motherf***r or a "douchebag" or say she was "a mistake". So I all I can hope for is that she gets some sort of emotional suffering from something in life soon, be it the loss of a job, friend(s), whatever. I wasn't perfect but neither was she, and I never strayed from her and I was always loyal to her.

[sjm]

My fiancé acted the same kind of crazy! 3 months on I still don't understand.

[Salvatore85]

Occam's razor bro. The simplest answer is normally the correct answer...

 

I hate to say it dude but she met someone else