Vinsanity1307 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Again here is my story if you dont know http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years My question is can a relationship ever be 50/50.... All my relationships 3 long term ones start out by me being me and doing whatever I can for my ex...... The sensitive Nice guy...then they take advantage of it and kick you to the curb(she wore the pants at this point)....tThen they come back after a while and although I do love them my sensitivity is gone and kind of play the hard ass with the occasional love and sensitivity...Not even close to before...To a point im resentful....My guard goes up and the defense.mechanicsm goes into affect..Although I do love and want them in my life..its a reaction of me being scared(I wear the pants at this point).....so anyways after a while it goes away and I let my guard down again and that's when the pendulum swings to her in control and she ends up leaving again......So can.anything ever be even?This is always how it's been with me what is wrong?
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Agreed but it seems to always be the same formula or routine each time....
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 By 50/50 I mean being on the same page in giving and taking and how you feel on each other. Whether it be as you described equality, affection and respect. Or wanting to do anything to make the other happy (and yes by still maintaining your respect for yourself). Cause again Ive seen one always wears the pants, and in control. And noticed the one that may appear to care less has control (whether it be they really dont or they really do as in my case I was guarded cause I was scared and hurt..was my defense mechanism). As for going forward I am not 100% sure. I like being nice and helping out and buying something for my significant other. Making their life easier. I enjoy the smile and seeing them happy. But that seems to turn and I become I doormat and they lose interest. Especially thats what happened in my last 5 years relationship..And I really did love her so much...Limit being nice I guess? I dont know...The thing Ive learned is to not open up it just sets up to being hurt...And i know it negative but that is the truth....
Grumpybutfun Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 OP: The fact that you are talking about who wears the pants in the relationship shows that you equate control with relationships. Being nice has worked for me in all of my relationships and I never stopped to think about who was "wearing the pants" because I am a man and the girl is well, a girl, so it didn't matter. Men and women contribute different things to a relationship, and agree on the important things like respect, finance, level of commitment, spiritual matters, integrity, honor, communication, sex, kindness, fidelity and intellectual compatibility. My point is that in a great relationship, control isn't necessary because no one is keeping score. If you are still thinking like this you need to re-evaluate what you are defining as a relationship, and whether you aren't being reactive to things that happened in your past. Do not confuse your pain from terrible relationships to unkind women as being the norm, and ask yourself what you need to never date another woman like the ones who hurt you again. Then rally all your positive energy for the girl who wants an equal partnership with a guy who can open up and make her feel he is the kindest, most honorable man she has ever met. Work on yourself to be that man and you will draw a great girl to you. Focus on the negatives from your past, and you just draw that kind of negative happiness suck to you. If a girl doesn't want a nice guy then you need to find one that does so you can be yourself. If a girl doesn't want who you are then why would you care if they got lost anyway because they aren't right for you. Dating is like an interview for a potential spouse...better to know right away if they are not what you want. No one should feel like a doormat. Good luck, Grumps 1
melell Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I think the dynamics are different in every relationship. None are the same, so it is hard to weigh up if it was unfair or not. Eg what if one person is more passive and relaxed and the other was more assertive and finiky, wouldn't this just be personality differences and people take on roles accordingly? Are you talking about one person loving the other more? Because that is a whole different thing. There are relationships where both people love each other equally, they seem to work out despite what roles each person takes on. Sounds to me more like onesided love in the situations you are talking about;.
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 But I am who I actually am when I meet them. I like doing things for people thatss how I always been. Even enjoy it more when I like or love them i really do enjoy the smile and happiness. They are in awe and all for the nice guy and who I am then like I said it gets taken advantage of and they apparently get tired of it..and by this point I am in love with them...which causes how I am now...hurt.... I was never looking at who wears the pants but it just seems to be that pattern. or was never concerned with this its just the pattern ive seen the way things go. After analyzing it...And when I am discarded they do whatever with whoever and come back at some point (well not this time anyways) but I am scared which causes the tough exterior and the guard even though I love her... do you know what I mean?
melell Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 In my experience it take people awhile to mature and really appreciate the people that love them. I see taking advantage of a nice person as a sign of emotional immaturity, it is not something they decide to do, they just don't have the maturity to see the situation for what it is.
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 And yes thats what I am referring too is loving who more....She claimed to love me and would do anything for me when my guard was up after she hurt me... I did love her just as much as she claimed and she wore her heart on her sleeve more and showed it more after what she did...I was reserved and not as sensitive as I once was again being afraid off getting hurt again seeing what had happened. So after a while it came down and thats when she went in the other direction and left...Sorry if repetitive
melell Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 No need for apologies. I think the problem is that people change there mind so fast, yet when they are thinking/feeling one way they will tell you about it with such conviction. Problem is they change their mind again. Relationships and people are fickle and fragile. Love is a risk, loving someone is a risk. At the end of the day all we have is our families (usually), that is the reality of it. Two people can be madly in love and then it can end in an instant. That is life. It is a very very tough lesson to learn. But I think what I said above is the bottom line, no point trying to make sense of all the other bits. Psychologists, philosophers, sociologists all of these professions publish on this topic, and do extensive research, there is still no solid answer or pattern.
oracle Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) The real question is when will you learn to modify your behaviour? You said yourself... you do everything for your exs... then they get used to it (obviously take u for granted cause its all too easy, probably don't really respect you either at that point) You want balance? learn to balance your approach. Its give and take.. People want what they can't easily have. Again here is my story if you dont know http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years My question is can a relationship ever be 50/50.... All my relationships 3 long term ones start out by me being me and doing whatever I can for my ex...... The sensitive Nice guy...then they take advantage of it and kick you to the curb(she wore the pants at this point)....tThen they come back after a while and although I do love them my sensitivity is gone and kind of play the hard ass with the occasional love and sensitivity...Not even close to before...To a point im resentful....My guard goes up and the defense.mechanicsm goes into affect..Although I do love and want them in my life..its a reaction of me being scared(I wear the pants at this point).....so anyways after a while it goes away and I let my guard down again and that's when the pendulum swings to her in control and she ends up leaving again......So can.anything ever be even?This is always how it's been with me what is wrong? Edited September 17, 2013 by oracle 1
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 ^^^^^Exactly this x100000 "Nice Guy syndrome" And I know this because I WAS one. Same exact response I got from MY ex. Exactly.
Viro12 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 For me it feels like, 40 percent u get what you want 40 percent they get what they want 10 percent compromise 10 growth, fantasy, some uncertainty, to keep the spark going... Then, one day when u get married and truly love each other: 40 percent they get what they want 40 percent you get what you want 15 percent compromise 5 Percent commitment, and responsibility knowing you have something you can be happy with.
Viro12 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 By 50/50 I mean being on the same page in giving and taking and how you feel on each other. Whether it be as you described equality, affection and respect. Or wanting to do anything to make the other happy (and yes by still maintaining your respect for yourself). Cause again Ive seen one always wears the pants, and in control. And noticed the one that may appear to care less has control (whether it be they really dont or they really do as in my case I was guarded cause I was scared and hurt..was my defense mechanism). As for going forward I am not 100% sure. I like being nice and helping out and buying something for my significant other. Making their life easier. I enjoy the smile and seeing them happy. But that seems to turn and I become I doormat and they lose interest. Especially thats what happened in my last 5 years relationship..And I really did love her so much...Limit being nice I guess? I dont know...The thing Ive learned is to not open up it just sets up to being hurt...And i know it negative but that is the truth.... Someone is bound to wear the pants in the relationship. IMO girls don't want 50/50 they want at least 60/40. You're the man.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) Hmmm. I find this thread very interesting as I too, seem to have lost respect along the way trying to accommodate and give as much of myself as possible. And, it has been a recurring theme for me as well. However, through much therapy and self-help, I have realized that I 1) never set boundaries and 2) suffer from very low self-esteem created during my early childhood. I think these closely go together as I am so afraid of losing someone I care about, that I constantly try to prove my value and worth by over-accommodating. And I never set or stick to any boundaries, but rather just let them do whatever they want (to a point). This doesn't show itself too much early on as it is the Honeymoon Stage and that is always very rose-colored. But as time wears on, I slip deeper into self destruction until it inevitably crumbles. My ex was also very physically attractive which solidify what I described above. I have had less issue when I have been with those that I didn't find as appealing. Seems to correlate with my attraction level of said SO. OP - I describe this as maybe it is something similar that is happening to you. Do you have low self esteem? I didn't even know I did until my therapist brought it out during the last 6 months of therapy. But, now it's all very clear and makes a lot of sense. I guess it's a good thing that now at least I know what's going on BTW - I found the book Toxic Parents to be a real eye-opener into my early life and how it correlates with the problems I have now (42) Edited September 17, 2013 by mtnbiker3000
HeavenOrHell Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 There's no set pattern for all r/ships, mine have never had the same pattern as yours have, so you must be going for a particular type or wrong type, or you're doing something wrong, or just been unlucky. Again here is my story if you dont know http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years My question is can a relationship ever be 50/50.... All my relationships 3 long term ones start out by me being me and doing whatever I can for my ex...... The sensitive Nice guy...then they take advantage of it and kick you to the curb(she wore the pants at this point)....tThen they come back after a while and although I do love them my sensitivity is gone and kind of play the hard ass with the occasional love and sensitivity...Not even close to before...To a point im resentful....My guard goes up and the defense.mechanicsm goes into affect..Although I do love and want them in my life..its a reaction of me being scared(I wear the pants at this point).....so anyways after a while it goes away and I let my guard down again and that's when the pendulum swings to her in control and she ends up leaving again......So can.anything ever be even?This is always how it's been with me what is wrong?
carhill Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Can a relationship ever be even? IMO, once the accounting begins, the health of the relationship ends.
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