Sailynn Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 About two weeks ago, I sent a letter to my ex-GF, expressing regrets that we split and that I cared and, you know the rest. Well, I received a response. She said she didn't know how to respond to my letter. Guess I caught her cold, huh? She said she was very sad that our relationship ended. She said my letter reopened wounds. She said she needed time to heal and think about what was and what wasn't She also asked me if I would be interested in sitting down and talking, get this, AFTER the holidays and the dust of the New Year settles down. Hell, I'm ready to talk, NOW. Anyway, I'm going to call her and at least offer to settle this thing now.
alphamale Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by Sailynn She said she needed time to heal and think about what was and what wasn't She also asked me if I would be interested in sitting down and talking, get this, AFTER the holidays and the dust of the New Year settles down. If you contact this woman now Sailynn you will look like a total BUFFOON. The reason she made the above statements is cause she is going to be spending the holiday season with some other dude and does not want you (or thoughts about you) to get in the way. The writing is on the wall. Let her contact you whenever she is ready and in the meantime make yourself #1 and look out for yourself.
savethedrama4allama Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by Sailynn She also asked me if I would be interested in sitting down and talking, get this, AFTER the holidays and the dust of the New Year settles down. Hell, I'm ready to talk, NOW. Anyway, I'm going to call her and at least offer to settle this thing now. I am not sure of all the details of your breakup, but she asked for it to wait until after the holidays and I believe you should respect that. She was already very clear in what she wanted. If you force the talk then you will most likely drive her away.
Author Sailynn Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Certainly, I would appear to be a buffoon if I pushed it. Yet, when I wrote the letter, I actually expected nothing in return. Even getting this response is a big surprise to me. There are some past posts I made that explain the breakup. If she is with someone else, all she had to do wa tell me. SIMPLE! That's it! Over and done! I know I should write back to her and simply tell her, "call me when you're ready." Meanwhile, I'll continue to take care of me.
alphamale Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by Sailynn I know I should write back to her and simply tell her, "call me when you're ready." Do NOT do the above!!! Wait until she contacts you. It shows confidence on your part. If she never ends up contacting you then you know it is over and you still have your dignity intact. If she does end up contact you then you know there may still be a future with her. oh yeah, and don't do the "friends" thing with her no matter what.
ion Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Restraint yourself from initiating any contact with your ex. That means even in the middle of February if she has not called, accept she wants NC with you. No one sentence emails, telephone calls or any contact at all. Live your life over the holidays like she never communicated with you. Understand? Good luck and enjoy the holidays!
Author Sailynn Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 ...Respond to her request and say I'm willing to talk, just contact me when you're ready?
ion Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 If indeed she did make a request that requires an answer from you, wait until after January 15, to respond that you would like to sit down and talk with her.
tokyo Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Maybe she is nervous about the coming holidays. Would you be ready to spend the holidays with her again? So soon? It´s a very emotional period of time and maybe that´s why she wants to talk with you later. I would ask her nicely if it was possible to talk with her before and if she says no, ask why and if she gives a good reason accept it. She might not want to explain it and then she shouldn´t insist too much as you don´t really have any right to have a talk with her, but I would also not let her push you around without giving any explanations. Back off then, tell her you are not sure if you want to wait so much without knowing why. I think it is a positive sign that she asks for a talk with you.
alphamale Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by kooky Maybe she is nervous about the coming holidays. Would you be ready to spend the holidays with her again? So soon? It´s a very emotional period of time and maybe that´s why she wants to talk with you later. What are u talkin about KOOKY! This woman is doing the horizontal bop with some other dude and they are planning a romantic holiday season together without her ex-boyfriend in the picture. Come on, get real.
tokyo Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale What are u talkin about KOOKY! This woman is doing the horizontal bop with some other dude and they are planning a romantic holiday season together without her ex-boyfriend in the picture. Come on, get real. Prove it! Just because you would do it, doesn´t mean she does. I think she has a complicated personality because of her past, but it doesn´t mean she´s trying to string him along.
Author Sailynn Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 ...and I'm actually rather PO'ed. There's something going on. It took her two weeks to respond to my letter in the first place. Her reply was not an open-hearted reply and her suggestion to meet and talk after the holidays indicates that I'm not a priority in her life. The writing is on the wall, for me now. It's tough to love someone and realize that love alone, cannot make it work. I don't know if she is with someone now or not, but when I met her she hadn't dated in years. Anyway, I am not going to respond in writing. If I see her in public, I may say hello. But as far as meeting and talking, I'm going to tell her, "MY LIFE IS ABOUT THE NOW, NOT ABOUT THE SIX WEEKS FROM NOW." "If you want to talk, talk now, say what's in your heart, rather than taking time for formulate an answer." If you can't do that, SEE YA!
tokyo Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 And I say, she is not playing and with your answer you are going to scare her away, but that´s your choice if you are not interested in her anyway, it might be the best answer. After all she will always be someone who needs a lot of patience and sooner or later it might drive you crazy, better stop it right from the beginning and walk away now, before you wake up one day with the feeling that you don´t support her anymore.
Author Sailynn Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 I have vascillated between joy at receiving her reply suggesting a talk and at the same time, being somewhat miffed that I have to wait for six weeks to talk to her. Of course, in a situation like this, she's calling the shots. I was venting this morning. THere is one thing about her that I've learned. This waiting to talk is not unlike her. She has done this before. Instead of immediately talking, she waits, stays quiet and goes underground until she's ready to talk. When she's ready, she is very matter of fact, direct and shows her will power to move forward with her decision. It took her a week to decide if she loved me or not. Because of the abuse she suffered, I know that she is extremely afraid of opening up and being vulnerable. I knew right away the moment I realized I loved her and I didn't want it to go another day without her knowing it. She had to go underground and think it out. I always tried to give her space to think it out. Sometimes she seemed to appreciate it and other times she seemed miffed that I was there to direct her decision. So, I've decided that if I see her at the health club, I'll be non-chalant and I'll say hello and wish her Happy Holidays. If she asks if I received her letter, I'll tell her yes and she can contact me, if she wants to talk. I mean, I wrote a letter where I poured out my heart and that left me totally and fully exposed and vulnerable to her. I spoke from my heart and I'm never fearful to do that. Receiving her letter was a surprise and a mixed blessing. I thought she would not respond, but getting a suggestion to meet, is a big deal from her. Anyway, thanks.
alphamale Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by Sailynn Of course, in a situation like this, she's calling the shots. Why are you letting HER run the relationship and be the boss? I always thought that is the man's job.
tokyo Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale Why are you letting HER run the relationship and be the boss? I always thought that is the man's job. Helloooo.... Because he´s a nice guy and she needs help. It´s not about who is the boss in a relationship, but the one who is able to help and give support when it is needed should do it.
alphamale Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by kooky Helloooo.... Because he´s a nice guy Sorry Kooky, but nice guys usually finish last...
tokyo Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale Sorry Kooky, but nice guys usually finish last... The wrong kind of nice guy. There´s a difference between nice and nice. Nice and clingy = sucks. Nice and sweet = awwww. People here will tell you over and over that is confidence that attracts women and that´s true.
alphamale Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by kooky People here will tell you over and over that is confidence that attracts women and that´s true. The above is true but is Sailynn showing confidence when he cannot wait for 5 or 6 wks to talk to her? What is the big deal that he can't talk to her until after the holidays. The fact he cannot wait shows he is desperate and has NO confidence in his ability to get her back.
Author Sailynn Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 What I meant by saying that she was calling the shots, was that she "suggested" the time after the holidays to talk. I certainly do not have to accept her "suggested" time at all, or to talk, or even respond at all, for that matter. Alpha, I know what you're saying and believe me I'm not being a wuss-bag, here.
alphamale Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by Sailynn What I meant by saying that she was calling the shots, was that she "suggested" the time after the holidays to talk. I certainly do not have to accept her "suggested" time at all, or to talk, or even respond at all, for that matter. Alpha, I know what you're saying and believe me I'm not being a wuss-bag, here. That is what we are telling you here, DO NOT RESPOND. The only way you can get the proverbial ball back in your court here is TO DO NOTHING. By doing nothing you show confidence, indifference and respect all in one shot. If you respond back to her in any way shape or form you will come off as desperate, clingy and as having no confidnce in your abilities.
tokyo Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Because she might be someone who needs a lot of time to figure out what to say. Sailynn himself has said that she has done this in the past. Some people need more time than others. I would consider a guy who is insisting on wanting his way to be insecure, because he is nervous of the outcome, a confident guy would understand that this is simply part of her personality. The possibility that if he waits she will come back is greater than when he starts pushing her now, because that will show her that he is nervous and desperate for a positive answer. If he can wait it´s because his happiness doesn´t depend on it. Of course, he could say, I want it in one week and you don´t want to, I´ll leave, and let´s bet, she´s the kind of person who will let him go. Then it´s him who is trying to dominate the relationship, but with a woman like her it will not work out. She needs more time to think about things, she´s been single for a while, she´s probably not the kind of person who needs or wants to rush things. So, let her have it, he can still dump her afterwards and feel no regret or doubt about it, if she was only playing, that´s much better. Even if she played him for a fool, it will be the last time she would ever see him again. They may fool you, but in the end it´s their loss. He had the grace to give her a chance and if she fails, well, her loss, but at least he will not torture himself endless with "what ifs". To be honest, if you are in a relationship and consider it a battle of who is superior and who is inferior, then this is not really a good relationship. There should be some common basis for trust. If he has such problems to trust her it would surely be better to leave it at once.
tokyo Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale That is what we are telling you here, DO NOT RESPOND. The only way you can get the proverbial ball back in your court here is TO DO NOTHING. By doing nothing you show confidence, indifference and respect all in one shot. If you respond back to her in any way shape or form you will come off as desperate, clingy and as having no confidnce in your abilities. Let me just ask you, if you feel you would have to play this kind of game in a relationship with a woman, would you really want her back?? He either trusts her or he can put his relationship to the garbage. Who would want to be with such a manipulative bitch???
alphamale Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by kooky Let me just ask you, if you feel you would have to play this kind of game in a relationship with a woman, would you really want her back?? He either trusts her or he can put his relationship to the garbage. Who would want to be with such a manipulative bitch??? Kooky: Your ideas are great and very valid in an idealitic and perfect world. But in the imperfect and screwed up world I live in these kinds of "games" are played every day in all types of relationships. I am basing my responses in reality. Your respoonses are not based in reality. In addition, almost every relationship between two humans has a superior and an inferior.
Author Sailynn Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 She ended the relationship. I was truly in love with her. I knew her issues and was fully aware of what I would and would not accept. I've had no contact since April 2004. I started other activities. Friends, working out, dancing, dating.... I'm making new friends, male and female. She started showing up at my health club in July. When our paths crossed in the hallway, she averted her gaze downward. I was indifferent to her appearance and had no reaction whatsoever. On a couple of occasions, I gave a Hello. I'd do that for any dog. Yet, I walked on. I'm not chasing her, at all. A few weeks ago, I wrote her a letter. My first contact since April. I expressed regrets of the ending and regret that we couldn't, at least, exchange an adult hand shake. Writing the letter was probably more about letting go for me. I anticipated no reaction from this letter. Maybe, I wondered if there was a what if. Her reply to my letter came this week and I was surprised. I would like to talk to her, but have no qualms of when, or if it ever occurs. I have no expectations. I am anticipating nothing. However, I know that I cannot un-love her. I will always love her. On the other hand, I am extremely confident in moving on with my life and living my life and have been doing that. Sailing, vacations, concerts, friends, parties, etc. So, I don't consider my self needy and desparate. I feel proud and I learned that I am confident enough to say anything I need to her or anyone and I'm willing to love again. I'm old enough to know that if our relationship reopens and presents itself as an option to pursue, I'll decide what to do about it if that opportunity comes. Meanwhile, I don't anticipate that opportunity, nor am I living my life counting on it ever happening.
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