abby_tx Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It seems like all I read on this forum is the no contact advice, cutting the dumper out of your life forever. While I think this is usually great advice, I feel like sometimes it is okay to give the person another chance. 1. My mom broke up with my dad for being non-committal (his brother had just gotten a divorce, so he was scared). A few weeks later, dad called mom up out of the blue and asked her out again. They've been married happily ever since. 2. A friend and her boyfriend broke up for a year, then got back together and have been happily married for 10. 3. Another friend just got married to her boyfriend who she split from for a few months. In all three examples, the couples are happily married and would not have been if they were so strict with NC. So while I think NC can be great, I'm scared that it could prevent great relationships from happening. Maybe these examples aren't the norm? I don't know.
Peanut9330 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 However NC should not be used to get a person back it's a process that helps you heal and feel better about life again. If you get dumped and the dumper doesn't want to have anything to do with you then you're forced into NC. Another example is you get dumped and the dumper wants to remain friends so you watch in pain as they move on with another person while you suffer in silence. I honestly never understood the concept of NC until I came across the end of a certain relationship I was in. At first I imagined it was a tactic to get him back then I was worried that it would prevent us from getting back together. In the beginning my ex wanted nothing to do with me then a bit later he wanted to be friends. I thought that keeping a friendship will help him realize how much he misses me. Well I was wrong because he kept moving on with his new relationship, while I suffered in silence pretending like everything was alright. If I would have shown him any sign of weakness or pain he would pull away so I had to put on a happy face while he built his life with someone else. After a reality check I decided to go NC because I couldn't relive the pain over and over again. It was the best thing I could have done for myself I started to feel like my self again, I gained my confidence and self worth back. I stopped being his doormat and I cut him off completely because I was just killing my self by holding on to the breadcrumbs. 6 years later after no contact he reappears in my life wanting to get back together. However thanks to NC I was able to see that he's not the kind of person I would like to spend the rest of my life with. 10
treebag Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 OP, I know where you're coming from with that thought. - My parents broke up 3 times before they married, together 29 years and still going strong. - My ex-gf's cousin dumped her bf, they remained best friends and she eventually fell for him again. Now married with a kid, another on the way. - My cousin's gf broke up with him for a few months, they just got married. I think it really depends on the situation and the reasons for the breakup. Unfortunately, I feel like NC is the only way to go with my situation though. I want her back and I still love her, but I think she's completely done and gone and being her friend isn't an option.
reddragon588 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It seems like all I read on this forum is the no contact advice, cutting the dumper out of your life forever. While I think this is usually great advice, I feel like sometimes it is okay to give the person another chance. 1. My mom broke up with my dad for being non-committal (his brother had just gotten a divorce, so he was scared). A few weeks later, dad called mom up out of the blue and asked her out again. They've been married happily ever since. 2. A friend and her boyfriend broke up for a year, then got back together and have been happily married for 10. 3. Another friend just got married to her boyfriend who she split from for a few months. In all three examples, the couples are happily married and would not have been if they were so strict with NC. So while I think NC can be great, I'm scared that it could prevent great relationships from happening. Maybe these examples aren't the norm? I don't know. Did they tell you they were not completely NC? You said your dad called your mom up out of the blue- sounds to me like complete NC. NC isn't about cutting someone out of your life completely forever. It's just what it sounds like- no contact. It means not talking to them. It doesn't really go much deeper than that. I had a friend recently go through a breakup and ask me for advice. I helped him go completely NC, he deleted her from all social media. Three weeks into NC she came back to him. The examples you gave, if they truly weren't complete NC, are the exceptions, not the rule.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It sounds like all of the examples you gave had periods of no contact, with the last two having significant periods. I think you unwittingly just endorsed No Contact. I also know of two examples of couples reconciling -- my friend just got married to a woman he was broken up with for almost a year and my sister is marrying a man she was broken up with for about a year. Both of those had significant No Contact involved. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 You said this earlier too. As already mentioned, all those "recovery" stories all happened with no contact in there. Read the forums...a large majority want to keep talking and keep questioning and keep staying stuck in the same rut. They dont move on and they dont move forward, so NC is what is needed. NC is not used as anything but to MOVE ON AND GET BETTER. The situations you mentioned....the people moved on and it so happened they found it again later. That happens yes... NO ONE is saying it doesnt. People also win the lottery too, but if you tell everyone to buy a lottery ticket that doesnt mean they will automatically win. I'd say for every relationship that end, a solid 98.8888% stay broken up (or keep getting back together and it keeps ending because nothing changed). People grow out of other people and move on the chances of it reconnecting and lasting are very slim. No contact is used to move on and recover thats it. 3
Viro12 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 The reasons why I think people get back together: One it wasn't a legit break up in the first place, it was for the wrong reasons, and there are feelings there. Two, after break up you immediately cut them out of your life, you moved on and you change. Your ex no longer thinks of you as a friend, you're so different now that you became an acquaintance. A person they don't know After month and years, you re initiate contact, and they fell for the person you become. Three, your ex gets back to you because they failed at life. They're so damaged that they want to be with you, the one that was nicest to them. In either case, after break up don't remain friends... it will get you friend-zoned. 4
barky2 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Nc is used to create distance to get your heart and damn mind right . Once healed and at indifference is when either you continue moving forward or decide to reach out. You don't have to be nc forever unless you choose to be. After a number of failed reach outs, you'll choose nc. But let's be realistic...a reconciliation can only happen with some contact. But you need to be at indifference first. That's fact. Barky
PR08 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It seems like all I read on this forum is the no contact advice, cutting the dumper out of your life forever. While I think this is usually great advice, I feel like sometimes it is okay to give the person another chance. Certain relationships fall victim to circumstance and absolutely deserve a second chance. But it should always be for the dumper to reconnect and make the effort, not the dumpee, and the latter shouldn't hang around waiting.
Emilia Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 There is only one ex I'm stricly NC with because he really annoyed me, was controlling, etc. All the others I talk to or just lost contact naturally without going too nuts with no contact.
Nancy87 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 After 3 months of breakup, i offered friendship to my ex, but he refused saying he just cant do it. he would delete my emails without reading, delete my msgs without seeing' them.. Is he still struggling to get over me? I am struggling too, still i offered him friendship just to have him around, but he was strict and did not agree. N the msgs i sent to him after that, he deleted without even reading them. What does it tell u abt his State of mind.. His family caused our breakup, n he told me he is convinced too. I can see him all happy on social media, but he wouldnt want to be friends. WHY?
Nancy87 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I miss him BAD.. n he is ignoring me.. He used to literally crave for me before our breakup happened. n then this sudden shift in his attitude aftr he met his family!
reddragon588 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 After 3 months of breakup, i offered friendship to my ex, but he refused saying he just cant do it. he would delete my emails without reading, delete my msgs without seeing' them.. Is he still struggling to get over me? I am struggling too, still i offered him friendship just to have him around, but he was strict and did not agree. N the msgs i sent to him after that, he deleted without even reading them. What does it tell u abt his State of mind.. His family caused our breakup, n he told me he is convinced too. I can see him all happy on social media, but he wouldnt want to be friends. WHY? Happy on social media means NOTHING. Social media is the image of your life that you want to project, not what is truly happening. Social media is a farce in many ways. Think about how easy it is to pretend to be someone else- have you ever heard of catfishing? You can catfish using your own identity too. Stop following your ex on social media and it will make you actually happier. I've learned this lesson and it has helped me so much! 3
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