skipping_girl Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Hi everyone, My current boyfriend of 5 months is very close friends with his ex girlfriend of 4 years (they broke up about a year ago). He has admitted she is his only other closest friend apart from me. I believe this is also the case for her, except she is single so she only ever hangs around him. He said she doesn't have any close girlfriends either. I am finding it very difficult to deal with this because I feel like he can't let go of her and that it isn't healthy for either of them, and especially not for our relationship. We have had constant fights and discussions over how uncomfortable I feel with their friendship and he has tried to cut back how much he talks and sees her (ie. we agreed friday night dinners were not an appropriate time to see her) but he would always come back saying he feels sad for not being able to talk to her as much, or that he feels bad because he doesnt want to dissapoint her as a friend. One time, after my boyfriend had tried distancing himself from her the first time, she had her first one night stand and she told him she felt sad she didn't have him to lean on afterwards because it was such a traumatizing experience for her. My boyfriend then told me he felt guilty for not being there for her as a friend.That just made me feel furious because I don't think at all it is appropriate for her to tell her ex boyfriend that or to expect him to comfort her. When he first told her we were dating she was so angry and lashed out at him for not spending enough time with her, seeing me etc. I thought it was an obvious sign she was not over him but he told me that she got over it and it was just a silly initial reaction given that I am the first person hes dated since her. At that time she was seeing someone else, but that did not work out for her. He has always maintained that he has absolutely no interest in getting back with her, and that he sees their relationship more like a brother sister bond. I trust him and don't believe he wants her back, but I just can't understand why he keeps her around. He also says that the reason he can't just cut her out (not that i expect him to completely cut her off) is because he doesn't want to 'burn bridges' when it comes to friendship. He says that he has a vested interested in her because he cares about her and wants to see her go the 'right way'. I just feel like he is enabling her to cling on by being there for her emotionally. I feel like she should be making other friends instead and not be relying on him for everything in her life. I cant help but feel angry and hurt that he is willing to let this affect our relationship so much, especially when it seems like the best thing for them both is to stop relying on each other so much. It has come to the point where I don't feel like I can stay with him. The problem is I like him so much, and he is pretty much the perfect boyfriend apart from this. Do you guys think I am being irrational about this all, or do I have a valid reason to be concerned by this behavior? What would you recommend I do, or what do you think we should do as a couple to fix this?
RogerWallace111 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) Yeah, whether or not he or she actually wants to be in a relationship with the other, it's no good. I don't plan on dating any girl who considers any of her ex boyfriends a current "best friend". Just because I know the inimitable, unique bond and closeness that forms between two people in a long-term relationship. It's not a matter of sexual attraction or cheating (well sometimes it is), more that one's significant other usually becomes their ultimate confidant and that that connection isn't suddenly gone because they're not dating. Call me selfish or insecure, but I want to be that person, and the only one, for my SO. Maybe it's possible but I don't see many people truly coming back to friendship after being deeply in love. You can lose all physical attraction to them no doubt, but certain bonds just don't dissolve. Whether they remain only in objective memories or actual sentimental thoughts. It's less likely a persons fully putting their vulnerable self into the relationship when they have another supportive, opposite-sex shoulder to lean on at any given time. Edited September 17, 2013 by RogerWallace111
todreaminblue Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 My ex and i are pretty close i dont discuss who i am interested in, i might say yeah met soemone he is cool you would like him thats abtou it....theres no chance in hell , would i tell him about one nighters if i were to do that sort of thing, which isnt my style..i dont think discussing exes with partners or partners with exes is a done thing...only if asked and even then you keep it brief avoiding graphics or comparisons or discussing sexual topics...big mistake...leads to heightened emotions on both sides......also leads to jeaousy, insecurity and confusion....deb
CC12 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 he would always come back saying he feels sad for not being able to talk to her as much, or that he feels bad because he doesnt want to dissapoint her as a friend. My boyfriend then told me he felt guilty for not being there for her as a friend. I pasted a few lines out of your OP that in my opinion are pretty glaring observations that your boyfriend simply isn't over his ex. Why does he feel such an obligation to her still? Why is it so important to him to make sure she's not upset? They broke up and he's dating someone new. He shouldn't still be catering to the ex, but he is. And he's doing it knowing that you have a problem with it. You said you have constant fights over this friendship. That is too much fighting for a five month relationship. You should still be in the honeymoon phase and fawning over each other, not having issues about exes. It's not working out. Let him go so he can work out his ex issues and you can find someone who will appreciate you.
napy666 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Whenever an EX is in the picture it is NEVER a good idea. I always cut off my Exs they are nothing BUT trouble.
Sunshine87 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Why did the relationship end? Who broke up with who? More details please
darkmoon Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) stop sleeping with him atmo, look very nice, but tell him (just say it!) this ex on the scene is a bit of a turn-off, just a bit so he knows you are still keen and available, this behaviour of his is a turn off, it would be or me, because this is about how women, just some maybe, view their locale just do not argue, it is not attractive, srs, when a few pleasant and open sentences, maybe over a drink at home, put your point/s across, try " You are fantastic but..."...."she must find a guy of her own for our sakes, I m only human" ..."she could/should use on-line dating" should is more controlling, I suspect that atmo, you have scant control, mmmm, scant control atmo that is he must reassure you in a way that is appropriate to you < < my point ask him as a favour, or discreetly date others, he is letting some girl cling on so... Edited September 17, 2013 by darkmoon
Author skipping_girl Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Why did the relationship end? Who broke up with who? More details please Hi all, thanks for the replies so far they have been really helpful. from what I know, it was a mutual break up and they both realized they would be better off as friends.
Recommended Posts