Gra Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Two weeks ago my boyfriend and I were talking marriage and honeymoons and children. And I wasn't the one bringing it up, he was. He told me that he was completely invested in our relationship. We spent the whole weekend together and on the Sunday night he told me I love you and goodnight. Monday morning he decided he doesn't really feel the love for me he said he did. I've spent two weeks trying to understand. Today I asked him to please explain and he said he wanted it to work and that he loves me but is not in love with me. My soul is destroyed. I can't sleep. I can't eat. My work is suffering. I just want the pain to go away. I had planned a life with the man. I thought he was doing the same with me. I was single for 6 years before meeting him. I dated but nothing serious. I had escaped a very abusive relationship and was single for so long. I thought my turn had finally come. The thought of being alone again and not having him - my best friend - with me makes me want to die. Someone please help me. I don't know what to do to make this go away. Everyone keeps saying "Time heals all" and "When one door closes etc" but those same things were said to me all those years ago and look where I am now. In exactly the same place. I'm sorry to be so whiny, I just don't know what to do. The darkness is taking over my life.
Demoralised_10 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I'm sorry to hear of your pain, I can relate to what you say exactly but from a mans perspective. My Ex was saying the same things to me not 1 week before she suddenly said her feelings had changed. I too had been single for a long period of time and I thought 'this is the one'. Please understand what you are feeling is perfectly normal, I'm only 5 weeks post BU and it's still raw as hell. Also be aware there are many on this forum who are in exactly the same dark place as us and are here to help you. For your own well being and healing you need to go NC. Block from social media, delete number and spend time on you. I can't say I've practised what I preach to the letter of the law because I have been guilty of breaking NC a couple of times. And guess what? It's made me feel a whole lot worse. I too am struggling to eat and sleep even now, but I force myself to have some soup or cereal because not eating will make you feel worse. We are all here to help each other. 2
Author Gra Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Thank you for replying. I actually made an appointment with a therapist and I'm going this afternoon. I feel like I'm truly in danger of falling apart and I need to do something to help myself. I just can't get my head straight. I feel like once I actually get to work (I'm a college professor), I'm ok but it's the motivation to get up and get moving that's destroying me. I'm so sorry that you are also going through this. I hope you find solace and peace soon. Please stay in touch as even though I"m really feeling awful, I'm always available to help. And it helps me too. 1
tiernan Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Gra, most of hearts here are broken. I relate to your pain as I am going through exactly the same nightmare. It has been two weeks of NC for me, and he broke it a couple of times sending e-mails and texting, but I remain strong. He chose to come back to someone else so he should let me grief and not saying how much he loves me. It is all about them, That is all I have learned so far. They are selfish and self centered, not caring about your pain. But we need to move on. Every day will be better, I hope I will sleep at least a bit tonight as last night was completely sleepless. I wish you all the best. 2
mammasita Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I've been there, same as you. He bought me a ring, proposed to me, promised my mother he loved me and would never hurt me. BAM - all of a sudden he wasn't in love with me. It hurts like ****ing hell, I know. It's like death, like the worst pain you could ever imagine, like you'll never ever find another man that you will feel the same way about. I promise you that you will. Take time to heal. Cry, yell, eat ice cream, talk to friends, read, write in a journal. It's been almost a year for me and I am great. Sure I miss my ex, yes maybe I still love him - but it doesn't hurt like it did. I can actually think about him and not be in pain. I can actually see him and be ok (I can't see him with another woman yet LOL). I've felt sparks with another man - it didn't work out because he was a jerk - but sparks for me happened. You will be OK. 5
seekingpeaceinlove Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I'm so sorry about your heartbreak, Gra. You're doing a really good thing by making an appt with your therapist to help you through this period. That's a sign of how strong you are. Try not to be alone right now and surround yourself with people who love you. You will get through this and you will be ok. You're not alone. We're all here to help! (BIG HUGE HUG) 2
Wings Of Love Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I'm so very sorry. You have just described exactly what my ex did. We celebrated our first anniversary on the 4th of July. Everything was perfect. On the 8th of July we spent the day together, during which he told me that he loved me with all his heart, wanted to spend his life with me and that despite the hard times we had been through, our relationship was worth it. On the 10th of July he was texting me all day, telling me he loved me. But on the 12th, he told me he didn't think he was in love with me any more and he walked away from our relationship. He completely destroyed me. I have never cried so much in my life, I was in physical pain and honestly, I wanted to just disappear. It has been just over 2 months now, but I am doing so much better. We recently stopped talking, and that lasted just 24 hours before he tried to add me to his Facebook again. I have left the request to rot. From what I have been told, he has since hit the bottle very hard and seems pretty depressed. I am worried, but that's not important here. What I'm trying to say is, it really does get easier. Talk to your family, to your friends, post on here whenever you need to, write down your feelings. Go out and enjoy yourself. Do the things you love, try to put him out of your mind as often as possible. Let yourself cry, don't bottle it up. Don't lock yourself away. It is hard and the pain won't go away overnight. I still feel it, but it gets a little bit easier to cope with every day. You will be fine. You're not alone. Keep your chin up. 3
Author Gra Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Wow. I cannot even put into words how much I appreciate all of the replies. I'm so sorry that so many of you are going through awful pain too but in a weird way it helps to know I'm not alone. I did go to a therapist today but I won't be going back to this particular one. She spent a huge part of our hour together selling how wonderful she is at her job, showing me her website with testimonials and then trying to sell me her "supplements" that are supposed to help with depression. When I asked for a list of the ingredients, she refused saying that her patent is pending so she's not willing to share that information. Needless to say, I won't be going back to her. But I'm going to actively find someone else. At least I"m trying. My insurance is less than helpful and therapy isn't cheap. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. I'm still struggling and will continue to for a while I think but knowing I can come on here is giving me an outlet. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 It isn't merely the 'time' which heals all wounds, it is the focus you maintain on other things important to your life during that time. Thankfully a college prof. will have plenty of options for keeping her thoughts occupied elsewhere, but don't lose sight of the idea that eventually you should put yourself in places where you can meet considerable numbers of like-aged dating candidates. For although there are lots of healthy and well-exercised minds on college campuses, it may not be healthy for you to immerse yourself only there, where for the most part, the students are usually off-limits. 2
KAOJ Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I am so sorry you are suffering. I apologize that I have no advice to offer. There are wonderful people here with truly loving advice. I am thinking of you. **hugs** 1
lindsay1990 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I have no advice. This is like turning your world inside out and upside down, I know the feeling. Some people are selfish or immature and run their mouths while we believe they have absolute confidence in what they say. All I can say is: you are not alone 1
JoelBarish Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I too am sorry for your pain. At least we all have each other here. You are not alone 1
Author Gra Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Hi everyone, I can't begin to explain how grateful I am to have found this forum! Just reading the stories, as much as it doesnt take away my pain, it helps somehow. And the lovely responses from people are so touching. So here's where I am as of today. We last spoke two days ago. Yesterday I went to a therapist who wasn't very helpful but I'm determined not to let this depression sink me so I have some calls in to a few more to see if I can find one who I like. Last night I was actually doing ok and ate a few bites of pasta which was the first thing that I've eaten in a while. But then I only slept about two hours and when I woke up the first thought was that he would be out searching for someone else. My mind took off on its' own and started imagining that I'll see him on the dating site we met on (I'm not signed up on it again so this isn't even possible). The thought made me sick to my stomach and has just started my day horribly. The reality is that he is a lovely person. He has his faults (don't we all) but he is as deserving as anyone else to find someone to make him happy. He didn't feel that with me and as much as that kills me, it's out of my control. So how do I get rid of the horrible gnawing pit in my stomach every time I think of it. The other things that's getting me are the memories. The first time we kissed, the first time we held hands, the first time he told me he loved me. It just all hurts so so so much.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Yes, it is a terrible feeling and we are all going through it at one stage or another. The best things you can do starting now are: -Absolute 100% No Contact (includes Social Media stalking) -Stay busy -Exercise -Spend time outdoors -Spend time with family and friends (if possible) -Eat and sleep well (if possible) -Therapy or self help techniques -Be easy on yourself -Understand and accept your part and mistakes you made -Be an active member of the LS community. Read and post as often as feels right. Take advice when it is the overwhelming majority opinion (there are many examples of those who don't and they aren't doing so hot ) There are more, but this will get you moving in the right direction. Remember, this takes time too. It will not get better overnight and you must stay committed to feeling better and doing the right things to make it happen... 3
RiceaRoni Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 It's always a terrible feeling...and unfortunately it happens more than once for most of us. Right now you gotta buckle up and get ready for a bumpy ride to healing. What you can do now is just get out, enjoy some times with friends and family, if you have a food friend or family member you can vent to, do it. They know you bet better than anyone and could therefore help you. What has always helped me is making myself laugh it smile. I'll watch hilarious vine videos or watch a comedy movie with friends. You gotta stop worrying if he'll be with someone else. Worrying about him won't let you heal or help you move on. Something else that has helped me but that has taken a lot of self discipline is to shut down all of my social networks temporarily. That means Facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr, whatever you have shut it down, stay away, and delete the apps on your phone if you have them. You need to disappear from the online world for a while, so you don't check up on him or look him up every 5 mins. Go outside and try to make the best if it. Gym, works wonders. Take a trip to a major city with some good friends, or have a day where you all have dinner together and then go to a movie or something fun. And stay on here in LS. People are here to help together, and everyone can help you all the way through. You gotta do your part as well. Good luck in healing and start asap! 2
Author Gra Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 Thanks again everyone. I went to a new therapist today who I really like so far. So I"m definitely going to keep that up. I deleted him from all social media which was really really hard but feels good knowing that I CAN'T look him up. It took all the choice out of it. My therapist said that maybe I should email him to say the things I feel I didn't get a chance to (remember she doesn't know me or him and is just learning the situation). When I said I didnt' really want to do that she said something that really stuck with me. She said "anything you're not ready to do, you don't have to do". I know it's sounds weird but her saying that to me seemed to allow me to feel like I have control again. I'm not sure how long the feeling will last but for now it's getting me through another evening. I've also reached out to a friend who has a yoga studio for some advice on what types of classes would be good. I've never done yoga before and honestly I'm about as flexible as a plank of wood so I'm a little nervous. But can't be any worse than I feel right now. So that's where I am. Thanks again everyone! 1
lovesucks76 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) Thanks again everyone. I went to a new therapist today who I really like so far. So I"m definitely going to keep that up. I deleted him from all social media which was really really hard but feels good knowing that I CAN'T look him up. It took all the choice out of it. My therapist said that maybe I should email him to say the things I feel I didn't get a chance to (remember she doesn't know me or him and is just learning the situation). When I said I didnt' really want to do that she said something that really stuck with me. She said "anything you're not ready to do, you don't have to do". I know it's sounds weird but her saying that to me seemed to allow me to feel like I have control again. I'm not sure how long the feeling will last but for now it's getting me through another evening. I've also reached out to a friend who has a yoga studio for some advice on what types of classes would be good. I've never done yoga before and honestly I'm about as flexible as a plank of wood so I'm a little nervous. But can't be any worse than I feel right now. So that's where I am. Thanks again everyone! First, I'd personally recommend Yin yoga or Hatha Yoga. Other types are great too but I like the meditative aspects of Yin and Hatha. In regards to your situation.....I feel for you but it will get better. We're really all broken people here and some here have gone through the same things as you. Others like myself are still going through it so we all understand where you're coming from. The first few days were so painful that I thought I was sick. I couldn't concentrate or sleep for more than 2-3 hours. I would think about my ex right before I fell asleep and would think about my ex again first thing when I opened my eyes. It has been over 6 weeks for me since BU and I still do that almost every day. I hate it but it's part of the process. Things have gotten much easier but I still miss her and my hearts stills hurts over my ex. Stay busy and try to stay in contact with old friends and family, it helped me a lot! Good luck to you and shout if you need any support! Edited September 18, 2013 by lovesucks76
Author Gra Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 So my day was ok. Terrifically sad but I got through my day. Until just now, I have an almost overwhelming urge to email or call him. I just miss him so so much. So I wrote on here in the hopes that getting it out would make me want to just go to bed.
Ansem Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Stay strong and do not contact him, I don't know the reason for the NC but if it's something you chose stick with it!
forgetmenot75 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 You did fine writing here instead. Hang in there
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 (edited) Use this site as it is an amazing resource. Many people have many great things to say and will gladly offer help when asked. As I mentioned, be sure to heed advice when it is the majority opinion. You can really do damage if you go against what is known as the right way to handle a situation. And chances are that anything you will face in the upcoming weeks and months has been dealt with by many, many of us. There really is no such thing as a unique experience. And there are right ways and wrong ways to address them. Ask here before acting. It will save you a lot of pain and suffering. And remember... No matter how bad you feel at any point, you will not die, and you absolutely, 100% will make it out the other side stronger and wiser!! Welcome and good luck Edited September 19, 2013 by mtnbiker3000 1
RiceaRoni Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Use this site as it is an amazing resource. Many people have many great things to say and will gladly offer help when asked. As I mentioned, be sure to heed advice when it is the majority opinion. You can really do damage if you go against what is known as the right way to handle a situation. And chances are that anything you will face in the upcoming weeks and months has been dealt with by many, many of us. There really is no such thing as a unique experience. And there are right ways and wrong ways to address them. Ask here before acting. It will save you a lot of pain and suffering. And remember... No matter how bad you feel at any point, you will not die, and you absolutely, 100% will make it out the other side stronger and wiser!! Welcome and good luck Totally agree ^^^^ 1
Author Gra Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 I'm sitting in a staff meeting and having a panic attack. Feel like I could pass out and can't stop thinking about him.
HereWeGoAgain1 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 I'm sitting in a staff meeting and having a panic attack. Feel like I could pass out and can't stop thinking about him. Write a list of all the things that YOU would like to do in life, maybe saving up for a new car or doing a 5k or something. Then make it your life's work to make one of those things happen. I'm in a similar situation where even though it is getting easier (and it does) there are times where I can't stop thinking about her to the point it makes me feel sick. I find it even more difficult because I don't have a job at the moment and I live miles away from friends and also I live in the middle of nowhere so I have a lot of time on my hands. BUT what I do is focus on an item on my list and think if I were to achieve that, how impressed would me ex be? Now you should never EVER be doing anything to impress you ex, it's over, you should be doing it for yourself, but you'll often find that the things you want to achieve to impress him/her are things you'd like for yourself anyway, so you can use the impress technique as a starting point just to get yourself motivated but what you'll find in time is that you'll feel happier eventually as time goes on and you'll be on the way to achieving something for you and he won't matter anymore. It is really hard and we all dread the alone times and the wandering thoughts, but it DOES get easier, you just have to get through it, sadly there are no shortcuts but so many things you can do to help. Your decision to see a therapist is an excellent start.
JDPT Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Get through it as cliché as it may sound. We all have our ups and downs, almost as if we are strapped to this emotional rollercoaster but trust me it's just a moment and it will pass. This pain eventually will subside and you will come out of this a new and improved you. Embrace your feelings as it's totally normal to feel what you are feeling at this moment. Be gentle with yourself and don't rush this process. You must be diligent with the many things you can do in order to advance your healing process. We are all here for you hang in there.
Recommended Posts