Saying "I Love You"..it's hard!

[today's guest]

Okay...I need help!!! I've been with my bf almost a year. It's LDR, but we talk to each other every day and see each other every weekend. I've been to where he lives and he stays at my place at least one night every weekend. We've gone away together for weekends, and everything has been going really well. We started out as friends and it fell into something more. We most things with each other...I've bben to holidays at his parents house, he's come to mine for others. We go to each other's friends events, and we are definitely known as a couple. He and I are one of those couples that hold each others hands, give each other affectionate taps and rubs on the arm or back, and he's so sweet to me without having to say anything...I know he cares about me. We are even cuddly sleepers, and even if I pull away from him in the middle of the night, he winds up pulling me back in. All of this I love...which is why I'm writing for help.

 

This past weekend, I said it...I love you! You should know that we are both somewhat of commitment-phobs. I knew that saying it was a big deal, and I totally struggled with making sure that I felt it before saying it. I even freaked myself out by admiting that I was at that place with him, but since it actually felt right to me, and didn't make me want to run, I said it.

 

When I said it to him, he kind of went silent. After I asked him if it freaked him out that I said it, he said a bit, but that I shouldn't feel stupid about it. When I asked him if I should feel sorry about saying it, he emphatically told me no, just that he has problems saying it (which I kinda understand, cuz that's usually me too). He just isn't ready to say it himself, since he has trouble talking about things to people, and has a tendancy to bottle things up (again, usually I do to, but this time I felt it so I said it). He was just as affectionate as usual when I left, which is comforting, but I'm so worried, cuz I haven't said it in a long time to anyone, and am a bit worried that now he'll get freaked out and end it for no real reason.

 

I don't want him to run away from what has been a great relationship just because of fear that I said it. I don't need him to say it back right away, and I told him that. But since he has trouble articulating his feelings, I'm just scared that he'll back away if he thinks that I need him to say it. I want him to say it when he feels it. I love the little ways he shows me he cares about me, even if the words don't come out of his mouth.

 

Please tell me I have no reason to worry...I have never been the first to tell someone I loved them, and I think now I know why!! Guys...owuld hearing the words scare you away?? Girls...how would you act in this situation? Just act like nothing has happened and let it flow naturally and let it come out if it is meant to?? We are both in our late 20's and have good jobs, and families. I am certainly not looking for immediate marriage and family, and I want him to understand that just because I said "I Love You" doesn't mean that I have changed my timeline...just letting him know that I have feelings towards him that I can say.

 

Does this make any sense?? I'm sorry for the long post, but I'm feel like I needed to vent.

[Pocky]

I don't know if you have anything to worry about. I'm too distracted by the fact that two people in their late twenties are scared to say "I Love You" to someone they've dated for a year. You certainly gave him enough time to get comfortable with the idea.

[mugirl213]

You know...I think you are A-OK. i am in a MOST similar situation. I told my bf I loved him after...8 months? (We've been together for 10) and he flat out told me that it takes him A LONG time to say. Took him 2 years to say to his ex. And at first I felt awkward and he felt bad for not being able to say it back. But after a while we came to an understanding. I know he loves me. I'm secure in that. Finally. LOL But yeah I think you're fine. It is hard and I think it's better to take the time and be sure it's right than to say it without meaning as so many do these days. But be glad you said it if you truly feel it. I always look at things with the perspective of if I died tomorrow...would I regret not doing ______? And I'd have regretted not telling my bf I love him, so I'm glad I did! But yeah, just act as if things are normal and feel free to tell him again on occasion...don't overuse it or anything, but people do like to feel love. And remember, just because he can'nt say it, doesn't mean he doesn't feel it.

[Sukotto]

He has a clasic case of "DontKnowImAGuyitis", its when the guy in a relationship hears those 3 words from his girlfriend and freaks out because he's never really focused on his feelings before and hasn't taken time to consider it. He is no doubt in love with you but has probably been freaked out now, just give him some time and he'll come around, though you could always try the method of asking him to explain his feelings for you and trying to describe how he feels might let him realise its love

 

I totally freaked out when my girlfriend at the time told me and went all silent, I believe I got told the following: "I'm not going to let you escape that easily (poke in ribs). Dont think you can avoid me just because I told you how I feel, if your not sure if your in love at the moment then thats fine but at least tell me how you feel"

 

So i thought about it for a bit while she made dinner and I started explaining how I felt about her and why I wanted to be with her and by actually voicing how I felt I realised that I did love her.

[today's guest]

thanks everyone for comforting thoughts...i'm still stressing about this, and feel a bit stupid about the whole thing. it's nice to know how other people have handled this situation though.

 

pocky...i know how this must sound that people our age have problems like this, but for some of us, it is hard no matter 16, 28 or 60.