How did this happen to me? Im supposed to be a christian!

September 17, 2013

This story is just awful and will be a stumbling block to all the folks out there who claim to be christians. I am the worst hypocrite of all. I go to a mega church and sing in front of 3000 folks each Sunday. I began talking to one of the guys in our band. At first, it was just friendly conversation. Then, we began to confide in each other about our marriages.

At the time, he was separated from his wife of 8 years and had a girlfriend. I did not know in the beginning how committed he was to this girlfriend. He said that it was a relationship he "didn't ask for" and she "lived 3 hours away". He was having problems getting a divorce because of money and the fact that his exwife was trying to take everything he had.

I had been married many years and was just in a bad season. My husband and I rarely talk about anything other than our children/schedules, never go anywhere, have nothing in common, and the sex is horrible. I can barely tolerate it. I don't feel any romantic love for him but I do feel a family kind of love. I respect him in many ways but am not in love with him anymore. He has a hateful personality at times and over the years, it has just chipped all feelings I had for him away.

So, we begin talking about his life and my life and find that we have a lot in common and the physical attraction was out of the roof. Our conversations turned into meeting after church for short lunches where we talked some more and then over a period of months, we finally had a first little kiss....more like a peck. Those pecks turned into more pecks that turned into a full blown affair.

Now here I am several months into this affair and I am head over heels in love with this man. I would leave my husband tomorrow if I thought I could have a normal relationship with him. He was very attentive in the beginning but now I sense that he is pulling away. I think he is having feelings of guilt, not only because of the church, but also because of his girlfriend who turned out to be more than I thought, and guilty feelings because I am married.

He is hot and cold with me. He has ceased to text me as much and our get togethers are fewer and farther between. He will practically ignore me one minute and be super engaging the next. I wish if he didn't want me around, he would just say so. I am just so confused. I know my marital status bothers him. However, I am in love with him and want to be with him and can't make myself leave him alone. I am sad all the time because the relationship is not going like I want. I know its wrong but I have been so unhappy with my husband. Before you judge me, you should know that my husband is due to inherit a few million dollars soon and I would be willing to give all of that up to be with this man. I don't care about the money. I just want to be happy.

I have prayed about this situation. Prayed for change of heart, prayed for strength to walk away, prayed that he would just tell me to go away but nothing has happened. I know God will forgive me. I know that he knows how many years I have prayed about my current marriage that has never been good. I am not justifying what I am doing. I know it is wrong.

I don't have anyone to confide in. I'm sad all the time. I have lost 20 pounds this summer without even trying due to stomach upset and stress.

I am just hurting so bad right now that he is not returning my affections in the manner I would like. It has killed me to witness him with his girlfriend who seems like a nice girl but doesn't fit him.

If I tell him to go away, I will still be in an unhappy marriage. I married my husband within 3 months of meeting him at the tender age of 20. I made a mistake and I have tried to make it work for years because "it was the right thing to do"

I'm scared to leave my husband without having someone else to go to. I know this sounds very cowardly but its the truth. Don't feel so sorry for my husband. I do everything for him and always have. However, he is so unkind at times and downright hateful. He was not there for me when my mother died and even left me during a serious illness to go to a basketball game for three days. THese are things I will never forget and changed the way I felt about him.

He has not made any future dates with me. Texts only if I text first. I am just so hurt. Hurt because I allowed myself into this situation and then it didn't work out. What should I do? Please don't judge me. You can not judge me anymore that I have already judged myself. I need help. Right not, I feel pathetic and just starving for any crumbs he might give me. Normally, I am an outgoing person, very confident, have several college degrees, and have a professional career. I think I am better looking than he is. lol I don't know why I am so hung up on someone who is only average looking at best, lives at home with mommy and daddy, has an average job, and is not pursuing me.

What do I see in him? Well, he has a heart of gold that comes out in many ways. He will help people who are sick, volunteers all the time, and when we are together, treats me with respect and tenderness.

September 17, 2013

It's pretty obvious that he only used you for sex. Now that you developed feelings for him he is backing off.

I'm sorry but it's common with some people. They just can't handle being in a relationship. You want one. He doesn't.

And by the way, if he truly treated you with respect he would have broken off ties with his other women before he ever slept with you.

If you respected yourself you would have insisted on it.

Anyway I'm sorry your affair didn't work out.

September 17, 2013

We met and just talked for months before we even kissed. So, I know there were feelings involved for him as well.

I did not know how involved he was with this girl during that time. She didn't come around during this time.

I told him in July how I felt about him....that I would leave my husband for him..... so maybe you are right that he just doesn't want a commitment. Its not like he could have one anyway. He has been trying to get a divorce for 8 years!

September 17, 2013

Yah this story is textbook affair. Whether the story is from the MM or OW or whatever.

September 17, 2013

Its not that I don't know how to keep the spark alive. Its just that I have lost all desire to make a spark over the years because of his hatefulness. My husband can be hateful one minute and sweet the next.

Why don't I leave? Well, until I met him, I was just used to the ways things were and had just been able to find my joy in other things...my kids, my friends, my job, singing, my church, Now that I have met him and experienced a new kind of relationship, I'm not sure I will ever be happy again finding my joy in the same ways.

You are right. I was ripe. I was vulnerable and should have been stronger. I will never be in this situation again. I'm so ashamed of myself. I cry several times a day. I'm not Catholic but I was so ashamed of myself that I even went to confession at a local church just to "confide" and "get it off my chest"

September 17, 2013

He has been trying to get a divorce for 8 years!

If one is truly serious about divorcing, it can be done relatively quickly even in the most complex of cases.

September 17, 2013

Aside from the A, I think one of the biggest issues you have to look at is that you're scared to leave your husband without having someone already waiting.

Doesnt matter if you have several college degrees, are great looking and very out going. You're still not confident in yourself and I'm not sure being in any relationship will work out, until you work on yourself.

(these are the threads Pierre looks for to prove his point about lots of OW/OM "external validation". Not being ugly Pierre, I just know you always say it and this ones begs for it to be said. IMO. )

September 17, 2013

I would leave my husband tomorrow if I thought I could have a normal relationship with him.

Leave anyway. Regardless that your H will soon come into money, leave before he gets the money, otherwise you'll end up staying in an unhappy marriage and have money and still cheat on him. Leave because you cannot stand to be married to your husband anymore, you'd rather be alone than live with him for one more minute.

Aside from the A, I think one of the biggest issues you have to look at is that you're scared to leave your husband without having someone already waiting.

Totally agree.

Do you know how strong you'll become if you can leave, divorce and be on your own without relying on ANY man to complete you or make you happy? You'll be independent, self sufficient, and face your possible worry or fear of being alone.

MM is not leaving his wife. His actions and the way he is shows you he isn't. He loves having an A though.

September 17, 2013

Stop contacting this man, stop chasing him. Men want to chase, not be chased.

September 17, 2013

If one is truly serious about divorcing, it can be done relatively quickly even in the most complex of cases.

Not really. A vengeful spouse can drag it out quite a long time.

September 17, 2013

Yes, I know I have already looked at the laws in our state. I just need to get the courage to do it.

September 17, 2013

You are right. I need to be stronger. One reason I don't want to leave is that my youngest is still at home. If I can't have him, why not just stay at home and continue living in this peaceful coexistence we call a marriage? I would be making everyone happy by staying, except for me.

September 17, 2013

I'm either tired or getting jaded, because I nearly responded like Pierre. (Who, by the way, I think is right the majority of the time but doesn't couch it as "prettily" as I do.)

But he's right, this guy played you and you need to get it out of your head that he is a "nice guy." He is married with an OW and you, his OOW. Nice guys don't do that. I don't care if he feeds the homeless every night and takes little old ladies out for walks. Nice guys do not let you down. Ever. They forget to take out the garbage; they say thoughtless things sometimes that irritate the heck out of you; and they beg off the occasional family dinner because the Falcons are on TV. But they don't betray your trust. This guy betrayed the trust of his wife AND his girlfriend. And now, you are sucked in.

If you're genuinely unhappy in your marriage, you need to get out. But don't for a future for this man. It's the last thing he wants and it should be the last thing you want.

Sorry. I wish I could have been kinder. But this is reality and sheesh, I am tired.

September 17, 2013

When I think about divorce. I think about being alone. I am not attracted to many men. This is the truth. Throughout our marriage, I have had many men flirt with me because of my job, looks, etc. I have never been remotely interested or attracted to any of them until this one. This affair happened gradually and had friendship at its roots. I didn't go looking for this. I didn't plan it. I am surprised I am even attracted to this man when I really think about it. Its certainly not because of his looks. (He is average looking). I know everyone is going to slam this next sentence, but, he is a really nice person. Soft spoken, helpful, kind, volunteers, He just seems to be pushing me away and I am not handling it well. I want to be with him. We would both be dismissed from our church's praise team if we were to get together and we deserve it. I just wish I had never crossed the line. I deserve all of this hurt that I have. I have really messed up. This affair has made me insecure. I used to have a whole lot more confidence. Now, I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore with any respect.

September 17, 2013

Not really. A vengeful spouse can drag it out quite a long time.

Not really. I practice divorce law. It can't be dragged out all that long and definitely not 8 years.

September 17, 2013

I'm either tired or getting jaded, because I nearly responded like Pierre. (Who, by the way, I think is right the majority of the time but doesn't couch it as "prettily" as I do.)

But he's right, this guy played you and you need to get it out of your head that he is a "nice guy." He is married with an OW and you, his OOW. Nice guys don't do that. I don't care if he feeds the homeless every night and takes little old ladies out for walks. Nice guys do not let you down. Ever. They forget to take out the garbage; they say thoughtless things sometimes that irritate the heck out of you; and they beg off the occasional family dinner because the Falcons are on TV. But they don't betray your trust. This guy betrayed the trust of his wife AND his girlfriend. And now, you are sucked in.

If you're genuinely unhappy in your marriage, you need to get out. But don't for a future for this man. It's the last thing he wants and it should be the last thing you want.

Sorry. I wish I could have been kinder. But this is reality and sheesh, I am tired.

Georgia Girl,

I know deep down you are right. Its just so hard when I think this is the first time I have ever truly been in love with someone. I married my husband within three months at the early age of 20. He was my first. I didn't know what I was doing. I knew when I was walking down the aisle, I was making a mistake. However, having a minister for a dad and grandfather, I was raised in an environment that said you make your marriage work. You don't leave. I have stuck it out for years trying to make it work. We have NOTHING in common and are like nice strangers who live together.....roommates.

I live in an area where there seems to be a whole lot more single women than men. I really don't think I would ever find anyone else that I am attracted to. (I'm not attracted to many men). Its just so hard to feel this way and not have it returned after I have given up my self respect, dignity, relationship with God, etc

September 17, 2013

Not really. I practice divorce law. It can't be dragged out all that long and definitely not 8 years.

Agree. And don't you have to actually FILE for divorce first? Does not sound like this guy is looking to get divorced!

September 17, 2013

I have been where you are - believe me this will turn out badly for you and for him. You need to cut your losses now. You can read some of my previous posts. Very similar situation but we were bot married, both worship leaders. It was a disaster.

You can pm me if you like. I will help however I can. But let me say this. Your first obligation is to your husband and you need to tell him now. Cut off ties with this guy until (and if) you are able to resolve or reconcile things at home.

I have no idea what denomination you belong to (sounds mega and nondenominational to me), but it is most likely right wing conservative. You are not only play with fire in your own family, but you are heading for a possible public humiliation.

This guy sounds like a player. Mine threw me under the bus. Believe me when I tell you this guy will too.

I wouldn't confide in anyone at church, however you should step down from your position and seek some counseling. This will not be easy.

September 17, 2013

Been there too, but with a deacon in my church. He also teaches Sunday School. We also worked in the same ministry and are in the choir. We worked together and were friends for 10 years before he hit on me, telling me he was unhappy, he liked me and described what he would do to himself thinking about me. I was miserable in my M but NEVER thought about an affair...until he opened his mouth. It grew from there, an emotional affair to a very physical (not actual sex, but other stuff. He would never go there with me), but would tell me his wife didn't like sex and was cold. Now I figure it is because he didn't love me so he wouldn't give that part of himself. Or because he knew this was wrong and could justify "everything but."

It went on for 2 years, he became my best friend. He recently dumped me out of guilt, God wouldn't let go, and to his wife, and knowing what scripture says about all of this. He is trying to remain my friend and it is so very hard. He will ask me how I am and if I'm happy, and if I say yes, he asks what I am doing differently to be happy in my M. If I say not better, he says him either, but.....

All of this is to say RUN quick. My heart breaks every time I see him. Every time he calls to say hi..... Confess to God and repent and turn and you are forgiven. You don't want this to get out. Ours didn't, but many people suspected. It would have caused a nightmare and discord is our congregation. Even the Pastor had asked him about our relationship and my ex-A just said we were friends.

Now I'm left heartbroken while he seems to be going on just fine. Still a deacon, still in the ministry, and still teaches Sunday School. I dropped out a year into our A because it just wasn't right to be teaching while committing adultery. Says things are still the same at home, but he still chose to stay because of his commitment.

Your guy sounds like a player. Again, run. Get some counseling and heal. God hates divorce, but it seems your H is abusing you. Get Christian counseling on how to proceed in that relationship. Blessings to you!

September 17, 2013

Your thoughts and feelings spoke to me, I too have these same feelings and thoughts as you. However we do not belong to a church together. Nor are either of us very religious. Even the ignoring and then being excessive. My marriage also is very similar to the one your experiencing. I felt like the replies to you are very harsh. I just want to tell you, your not alone in the things that your feeling. I know that the anti-affair police will attack my statements but to you specifically I want to say you need to directly ask him, what he wants from you. Your feelings for each other are most likely real, but there is a lot of guilt involved for everyone having an affair. I too have children and would like to live unhappily for there sake. You have to do what is right for you despite what others may say. Having an affair is wrong we know this, but if its what you both need from each other, then do what makes you happy....

September 17, 2013

then do what makes you happy....

A common hallmark sentiment ....sounds pretty and enlightened...

However...it is not.

If the whole world did whatever made them happy...there would be no need of courts or prisons.

You see...your happiness shouldn't come at the expense of others.

Now, in regard to the marriage...there are laws for that. Lots and lots and lots of options...that treat the other party respectfully.

If you are not "happy" (however you define that), than divorce. Its not brain surgery people.

September 17, 2013

Been there too, but with a deacon in my church. He also teaches Sunday School. We also worked in the same ministry and are in the choir. We worked together and were friends for 10 years before he hit on me, telling me he was unhappy, he liked me and described what he would do to himself thinking about me. I was miserable in my M but NEVER thought about an affair...until he opened his mouth. It grew from there, an emotional affair to a very physical (not actual sex, but other stuff. He would never go there with me), but would tell me his wife didn't like sex and was cold. Now I figure it is because he didn't love me so he wouldn't give that part of himself. Or because he knew this was wrong and could justify "everything but."

It went on for 2 years, he became my best friend. He recently dumped me out of guilt, God wouldn't let go, and to his wife, and knowing what scripture says about all of this. He is trying to remain my friend and it is so very hard. He will ask me how I am and if I'm happy, and if I say yes, he asks what I am doing differently to be happy in my M. If I say not better, he says him either, but.....

All of this is to say RUN quick. My heart breaks every time I see him. Every time he calls to say hi..... Confess to God and repent and turn and you are forgiven. You don't want this to get out. Ours didn't, but many people suspected. It would have caused a nightmare and discord is our congregation. Even the Pastor had asked him about our relationship and my ex-A just said we were friends.

Now I'm left heartbroken while he seems to be going on just fine. Still a deacon, still in the ministry, and still teaches Sunday School. I dropped out a year into our A because it just wasn't right to be teaching while committing adultery. Says things are still the same at home, but he still chose to stay because of his commitment.

Your guy sounds like a player. Again, run. Get some counseling and heal. God hates divorce, but it seems your H is abusing you. Get Christian counseling on how to proceed in that relationship. Blessings to you!

UGGH! THis all makes me sick. I feel sorry for your situation - believe me I understand it - but this guy - I want to throw up. Believe me, the pastor KNOWS something is up and believes he has done his job by "asking" when in reality he is turning his head and protecting the boys in the "boys club". Disgusting.

September 18, 2013

Beautiful river, I get it. I truly, sincerely get it. A H that slowly under minds your self worth to manipulate you into being what he thinks a Wife should be, then praises you and brags you to the world until You Do something "out of line" then it starts All Over Again!

It's Exhausting!! And what's the payout and who is it for??

To top it all off, you have gone against the One who you claim is your creator and savior doing the abomidable by lying, cheating and betraying Him, your H, your children and family and brothers/sisters in Christ!

I have been where you are, Filled w/shame, guilt and Separated from all you believe and know to be true.

There IS Good news here BR. You KNOW the way. You KNOW the Truth. You KNOW the Life and what/who you need to go to , to get "Right" again.

More good news, God Never said you should be somebody's punching bag, emotionally or physically. And regardless of how You got this point, You CAN make it through, on your own W/Your Savior. He Never gives us More than we can bare!!

Concerns;

You are STILL Choosing to to live in deceit

You are Refusing to seek forgiveness

You are Not turning your back on what you know will destroy MANY people who Love you

Please, PLEASE, get help. God's people are many! Gods Grace is greater than another form of "peace". He is Bigger than this and is waiting for you!

You are Made for Awesome things but not this tawdry apocolyptic A.

CIH*

September 18, 2013

With both of us being so visible in the church, we have taken extreme measures to keep it hidden. Even though we are both sinning, we realize that it is wrong and would never want to lead another person in the church astray or be a stumbling block. I am positive no one even suspects a thing.

Its so funny. I am doing all of this but yet, I can get on stage and sing with conviction. Its like this..... I love GOD. Glad he forgives me and is merciful. I'm just not walking the walk right now and honestly......don't want to. I wish I did! I just have fallen so hard for this man. Just wish we had met in a different setting, time, place, etc.

How long do you continue in a marriage just because its the right thing to do, just because of your kids, just to make everyone else happy, ....

I know if I left my husband tomorrow, I would lose a lot of my church family/friends. Its so hard! Its also hard because as of right now, neither one of us could afford to pay for housing, utilities, etc on our own. Feel trapped!

September 18, 2013

Agree. And don't you have to actually FILE for divorce first? Does not sound like this guy is looking to get divorced!

Beautiful river, I get it. I truly, sincerely get it. A H that slowly under minds your self worth to manipulate you into being what he thinks a Wife should be, then praises you and brags you to the world until You Do something "out of line" then it starts All Over Again!
It's Exhausting!! And what's the payout and who is it for??
To top it all off, you have gone against the One who you claim is your creator and savior doing the abomidable by lying, cheating and betraying Him, your H, your children and family and brothers/sisters in Christ!
I have been where you are, Filled w/shame, guilt and Separated from all you believe and know to be true.

There IS Good news here BR. You KNOW the way. You KNOW the Truth. You KNOW the Life and what/who you need to go to , to get "Right" again.
More good news, God Never said you should be somebody's punching bag, emotionally or physically. And regardless of how You got this point, You CAN make it through, on your own W/Your Savior. He Never gives us More than we can bare!!

Concerns;
You are STILL Choosing to to live in deceit
You are Refusing to seek forgiveness
You are Not turning your back on what you know will destroy MANY people who Love you

Please, PLEASE, get help. God's people are many! Gods Grace is greater than another form of "peace". He is Bigger than this and is waiting for you!

You are Made for Awesome things but not this tawdry apocolyptic A.
CIH*

I am trying to move ahead. It seems clear that he is not wanting to continue. However, I am moving ahead not because it is the right thing to do but because he is pushing me away. I know that is not the right reason. Maybe you know what it is like to live with someone for years who is hateful and it wears you down. Even the times he is nice doesn't make up for the negative.

If I could choose what I wanted this would be it> Both of us get a divorce. Make is as amicable as possible without being greedy. Pursue a normal public dating relationship....after an appropriate time had passed. We could change churches and it could work! I know the beginning was not ideal but we are so suited for each other. To give you an inside look at this man......he used to carry my grandfather (farms are side by side) when he was dying from cancer to the field, prop him up in a lounge chair, make him comfortable, so he could watch the haying. He has a heart of gold. He never yells, speaks so nicely..... I just can't and don't want to give him up.

I'm pathetic I know.

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How did this happen to me? Im supposed to be a christian!

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