He came back, but I had to leave him... I don't know what I'm doing!

[SweetHeartBeats]

Sorry for the long post…I was in a relationship for 7 years with a man I met through friends. We were only 17 when we both met. Our relationship was full of ups and downs. We were young and we both wanted to experience what was out there and we did. I went to college and got a degree. He decided school wasn’t for him and had a couple of jobs through our relationship, eventually doing drugs on the weekends.

Through out our 7 years we broke up often. It would usually happen after arguing about his lying or me having a life outside of him. Eventually he cheated on me, was remorseful for his actions and begged me to not leave him. He said that he was on drugs and it just happened.

After that I found that he would talk to other girls online. He left his myspace open on my laptop. I read every conversation he had. He claimed to be single and that I was his ex. When I would ask him whom he would talk to online he would deny it. I had proof and I never told him. I didn’t know how to tell him that I knew. Stupidly I stayed because I loved him. I have never loved any guy the way I loved him. I still love him.

After all this mess I found an e-mail expressing his love for some girl, I confronted him about it and he said he wrote that for a friend. My bf at the time told me his friend asked him to write something for his gf expressing his love for her. I didn’t believe it and I told him that we were over. I mean how the heck can a guy write something about another girl he claimed was his friend’s gf. My bf said he wrote it in thoughts of me. I called BS. He begged and cried for me to believe him. He even told me that I should call his friend to confirm that what he was saying was the truth. I didn’t care anymore and I left him.

After a couple of months we began to talk again, as the idiot that I was I took him back. But things were different. I just couldn’t really believe him. But I wanted to make things work. We would talk about getting married and eventually having a family. I tried so hard to make us work. But I knew something was off. So I just couldn’t the sadness, depression and the hurt he was putting me through. I found out again that he was talking to other girls. I finally had enough and left him.

Six months passed by and he contacted me again on my birthday begging me that all he wanted was me. That he loves me, couldn’t be without me. Guess what I did? I took him back. Seriously I was so stupid looking back at the messed up relationship we had.

During the 3 months we were back together I told him to take it slow. I wasn’t ready to fully trust him. He began to hurt me on purpose. I come to find out he was talking to someone he worked with. He would only talk to me to hurt me and say the worst things possible. I would tell him that he was hurting me that he needed to leave me alone. When he would call me all I did was cry because I couldn’t take it anymore. The lies, him cheating and I felt he was emotionally abusive towards me. I couldn’t leave him, every time I did he just sucked me back in. With apologies and the “I love you I wont do it again”. He finally left me. I never confronted him about anything. I just let him go. I didn’t call, I didn’t text, I didn’t check on him online. I did nothing. I was so heart broken that I didn’t know how to move on. I missed him every day and he was the first person I thought about and was the last person that was on my mind before I went to sleep. I went through all the emotions, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and couldn’t function at work.

Fast-forward to NOW 3 years later, he comes back. Throughout these 3 years Ive still loved him, thought about him, he was always on my mind, I thought about contacting him but I never did. I never got over him. It felt like the break up happened yesterday. I was still hurt and sometimes I still cried.

He texted me for the first time in three years on my birthday. He told me that he missed me and that he loved me and that I was the one. That he was in a relationship and all he though about was me. That all he wanted was me. He said he changed; he apologized for everything he did. He said that even if I didn’t take him back he just wanted to be in my life. We were doing fine until I started to ask about the last six months of our relationship. I come to find out that the girl he was talking to during our relationship he was actually dating. Soon after he got into a new relationship with a different woman. And that lasted for a year. He told me he left her because of me. He said I was always on his mind. After he left her he dated 7 different women. He said during all this time he only wanted me but he was too afraid to talk to me, which he felt I was better off without him in my life. How can someone say all they want is you but be with other people?

We’ve been talking for about a month and all the feelings I had before began to creep back. I even wondered if I still loved him, I still love him. I wish I didn’t. I feel hurt again and I feel that he will cheat again. It feels just like the last time. Im sad again, I’ve cried again. He’s trying I know he is to earn my trust again, he tells me he loves me, he cant live without me, he wants to marry me.

I left him today because he still talks to his ex, because Im scared of hurting like I did in the past. I don’t trust him. I don’t believe what he tells me. He still lies. I don’t trust he will ever change. When he goes out I wonder what girl will take him from me. I cry because Im just so scared that I wont know how to deal with him breaking my heart again. Going through all that pain I suffered 3 years ago. I know people here would want their exes back, for the moment they come back it’s amazing. But when reality hits there’s still pain there, sadness, and questions that will never be answered. How can I move on from him? What can I do? He said he isn’t going to leave. That he only wants me, I just wonder this time for how long? How can I start NC all over again with a man that I love so much. But I know he’s not good for me. Anyone that has read this I thank for taking the time to read this. I need help because I know I will fall back to am emotional abusive relationship if I stay. Any advice is greatly I appreciate it.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

I met my x husband, a drug addict/alcoholic when I was 17 too. I tried for years to make him be what I needed him to be. I found out I was powerless over his addiction. addicts are naturally dishonest, immatue and insecure. Tremendously self centered and fear driven. He will not change until he has hurt badly enough.

 

My advice, from a woman who has been through this hell is to let go....or be dragged.

 

(((hugs)))