KAOJ Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Hi! Thanks for opening this thread. I am about four months into a relationship that has been developing nicely, however, I do *not* see forever in our future. He does. I told him my feelings and he was so hurt. He is thinking marriage and I just don't see it. I have hurt his heart and I feel just terrible that I could ever hurt someone. I feel like the worst person in the world that I could hurt someone so much. I am embarrassed to say I feel like I should stay with him just so he isn't hurt so badly. Ever felt so bad about a (possible) break up that you considered staying? Are these feelings normal?
Amelie1980 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Why can't you see a long term future with him? What are the deal breakers. 1
Author KAOJ Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Our views on money are so different. He charges everything (big screens, surround sound, home decorating things) and I live with no debt. (He also owes about $35k in back child support.) He has said he is done having children and I have considered adopting. He is also (almost) OCD. Ever seen "Sleeping With The Enemy"? He straightens all the labels of food jars, beer, boxes in his kitchen and the towels have to be perfectly lined-up. I am always afraid I will be too sloppy in his home and I never feel comfortable. He is 55 and I am 39.
Author KAOJ Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 He was quick to say he WOULD adopt with me and he also said he will cut up all of his credit cards, however, I don't think a 55 year old man should have to cut up his credit cards. He should have enough personal restraint to simply not use a credit card to buy something he doesn't need. I feel like he is just saying he will adopt a kid to keep me around and make me happy. He actually said he would raise a child with me to "make me happy". I don't think that is fair to a child.
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 You sound pretty mature and responsible. It's surprising you feel "you" have hurt him. You haven't. The situation is what's hurting him. You have different feelings and perspective than his. Is that considered a harm to him? No. It's too bad and sad that there is a lack of compatibility, and certainly he is hurt. But not BY you. Don't own something that isn't yours. You are not responsible for his feelings. To stay with someone you dont want to be with to avoid feeling your negative feelings is seriously codependent. 1
Author KAOJ Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Thanks BGPO. My mom said almost the same thing. I never ever wanted to hurt him and it just hurts my soul that he is so hurt. I don't think I have ever broke up with someone or broke their heart before. It feels so bad.
CarrieT Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 So, if you don't see a future with him, why are you still in the relationship? Convenience? Truly, if you want children (either through birth or adoption) and you are close to 40, I would think you would want to keep searching for someone with whom you can share the rest of your life. Since this guy isn't "the one," why are you dragging out the inevitable? 1
Author KAOJ Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 So, if you don't see a future with him, why are you still in the relationship? Convenience? Truly, if you want children (either through birth or adoption) and you are close to 40, I would think you would want to keep searching for someone with whom you can share the rest of your life. Since this guy isn't "the one," why are you dragging out the inevitable? I don't really know I don't know what I am doing at all. I don't want to hurt him so here I am....just sticking around. Am I a horrible person? I don't want him hurt BUT I also don't want to drag it out. What do I do?
nomadic_butterfly Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I don't really know I don't know what I am doing at all. I don't want to hurt him so here I am....just sticking around. Am I a horrible person? I don't want him hurt BUT I also don't want to drag it out. What do I do? You are not horrible as you told him the truth and what he needed to hear instead of what he wanted to hear. It sounds like he is extremely financially irresponsible and there's no point in circling that dead end. Find someone closer in age who shares your views and have kids while you can! Personally, my expectations for someone 16 years my senior would be WAAYYY higher. But that's just me :-). Don't stay out of pity for that is truly "horrible". 1
CarrieT Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Nomadic Butterfly has some great points. You have given him the truth and it hurt. Now it is time to take the next step for YOU and see what do you want five years from now? And ten years from now? What do you need to do to get to that space you want to be? And if you don't see him in your future, the best thing you can do is end the relationship - even if it hurts and makes you uncomfortable for the time being. It is the old adage of, "How do you eat an elephant?" ONE BITE AT A TIME. You have to take the first bite... 1
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Why do you keep asking WHAT to do when you know the answer? Stop putting your feelings before his. He is the one to be devastated, not you. Clearly you are not in love with him as you've said nothing about losing him. Be kind and put his feelings ahead of your own and let him go. Be humane. 1
Author KAOJ Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 thank you all (sincerely) for taking time to reply. I know what has to be done. I can't understand why I feel so horrible about hurting someone I don't see a long-term future with. I just do. but I also see ending this is the only thing to do. thank you kindly <3
Author KAOJ Posted September 18, 2013 Author Posted September 18, 2013 You sound pretty mature and responsible. It's surprising you feel "you" have hurt him. You haven't. The situation is what's hurting him. You have different feelings and perspective than his. Is that considered a harm to him? No. It's too bad and sad that there is a lack of compatibility, and certainly he is hurt. But not BY you. Don't own something that isn't yours. You are not responsible for his feelings. To stay with someone you dont want to be with to avoid feeling your negative feelings is seriously codependent. when I told him we aren't compatible, he said "I've never heard that one before!" Did I mention he has been married four times? I have never been married.
nomadic_butterfly Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 LOL. Sweetheart just trust us when we say you need to move one. There are one billion red flags waving right in front of you. Before you are in too deep as now you are still at the point of pity instead of acceptance and then complacency, FLEE!!! He is clueless about commitment. He committed to having children but not to supporting them. He is committed to buying trinkets and what HE WANTS that he CANNOT AFFORD but not committed to saving or paying his child support? This post would be way too long to break down. The fact that you could be his daughter and he is still acting like a teenager clearly shows he is mentally and emotionally immature. He should be saving for retirement not squandering. He has had 4 wives, trust me he can find a 5th and hopefully you are not it! when I told him we aren't compatible, he said "I've never heard that one before!" Did I mention he has been married four times? I have never been married.
soccerrprp Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 Did I mention he has been married four times? I have never been married. Whoa! Of course we don't know all the details of his past relationships, but he is the common denominator in all of them. 4x is a "no way" for me. I would never date someone who has had that many divorces. Way too many questions about him. I believe you'd be very fortunate not to be his 5th. Good luck. 1
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