raikasama Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 We've been together for more than 2 years. I'm 21, she's 19. We've known each other since I was 17. We had another relationship for about 8 months at that time, but we broke up because I was young and uncertain, but we got back together again after 2 years. Everything has been great since we got back together 2 years ago. We've had fights, but they have always been easily solved. We love each other, and have planned the rest of our lives together. We have so many things in common, know each other very well and can get along with each other easily. But since about 2-3 weeks ago things have changed. Our fights have become more intense, and she doesn't take as much care to solve things as she did before. A few days ago we had a fight, and at the end of the fight she said she might want to break up with me. Then I saw her the next morning, and she apologized and told me she didn't mean what she said, and that she's never gonna do it again. She said that sometimes she feels too much pressure, and gets scared of the importance of our relationship in her life. She feels overwhelmed, and just wants to end everything to make it easier. She said that even thinking for a few hours about not having me in her life made her feel awful; and that however hard things might be, they're going to be even harder for her if she doesn't have me in her life. She also said that sometimes she feels that our relationship might face problems and end in the future, so she feels like she should end it sooner, to reduce the damage. Kind of like "you can't fire me, I quit." She said all that, but she did the same thing again! Last night we had another fight, and AGAIN, she said that she needs time and space to think about whether she wants to continue having this relationship or not. She says that she loves me, and that I'm "the best person she knows and will ever know". But she's still in doubt. I just don't understand her. I don't get what's happening. Everything is just suddenly coming out of nowhere, and it's seriously damaging me. It's very hard for me to give her the time and space that she wants, specially when I don't even know what her problem is. What's happening? Does she have commitment issues? What is she afraid of? If she really loves me as much as she says she does, then why is she acting this way? Why is she doubting us?
Balzac Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 It's over dude - why doesn't matter. She'll whipsaw you by coming back and creating drama. Man up. Move on. Sorry you got the boot.
Mrlonelyone Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I kinda agree with the last two post. As well as what you said about fearing a commitment. You are both still very young and have been dating more or less eachother for your whole adult lives. She may be thinking that she wants to see what else is out there. Elsewhere on this board they call it Grass is Greener syndrome (GIGS) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome http://www.relationshiptalk.net/all-you-need-to-know-about-gigs-grass-is-greener-syndrome-2076.html (This one is pretty good read it) More or less she's wondering if there is something better out there. Not that you are a bad guy or that you have done something to deserve being hurt.... but she wants to sow her oats a bit then after tasting a variety of men look for someone to settle down with. I would say that the honeymoon is over, but for you guys that honeymoon ended after the first breakup. Another thing to read about would be this. The 5 Relationship Stages The arguing you describe sounds like the power struggle stage. The key to surviving that stage is learning how to argue in a way that no one needs to loose. The bottom line. Is it over, very possibly yes. She may be feeling the need to see what else is out there. If not you and her need to make a conscious effort to argue and discuss productively without anyone needing to loose. 1
crederer Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 She wants to break up with you but is too cowardly to say so. She's probably worried you'll find someone else and that doesn't work for her because she wants to see other people while keeping you on her back burner.
deathandtaxes Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Holy moley Mrlonelyone. I was reading the replies when I saw your reply and read the 5 relationship stages. It explains so much of what I am going through with my girlfriend right now. We're so at the power struggle stage at three and a half months in. Very eye opening. Thanks for the link! As for the OP: you're young. You're tough. Learn your lessons and gird up for the next one. It won't feel good. But we've all been there and done that and we survive.
awesomebb Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 The relationship, at this point, is broken. If you guys keep going, you can expect the pattern you described to continue, it will not improve. Better to end it now on your own terms and save you both continued emotional stress. In your description, she has no business being in this relationship. She is in-authentic, doesn't know what she wants, or is not capable of expressing what she wants. At this point, for both of you, no where to go but out. As an additional note, there is a lot for a man to gain by ending a relationship he holds dear, to uphold a personal value. It takes balls to take that plunge to firmly end it, and weather through the emotional turmoil that ensues as a result of it. But you just absorb your fear, and gulp it down. You gain more than you loose, because you realize you possess the power to do this, and your next relationship will be better! 1
sickpuppy Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 We've been together for more than 2 years. I'm 21, she's 19. We've known each other since I was 17. We had another relationship for about 8 months at that time, but we broke up because I was young and uncertain, but we got back together again after 2 years. Everything has been great since we got back together 2 years ago. We've had fights, but they have always been easily solved. We love each other, and have planned the rest of our lives together. We have so many things in common, know each other very well and can get along with each other easily. But since about 2-3 weeks ago things have changed. Our fights have become more intense, and she doesn't take as much care to solve things as she did before. A few days ago we had a fight, and at the end of the fight she said she might want to break up with me. Then I saw her the next morning, and she apologized and told me she didn't mean what she said, and that she's never gonna do it again. She said that sometimes she feels too much pressure, and gets scared of the importance of our relationship in her life. She feels overwhelmed, and just wants to end everything to make it easier. She said that even thinking for a few hours about not having me in her life made her feel awful; and that however hard things might be, they're going to be even harder for her if she doesn't have me in her life. She also said that sometimes she feels that our relationship might face problems and end in the future, so she feels like she should end it sooner, to reduce the damage. Kind of like "you can't fire me, I quit." She said all that, but she did the same thing again! Last night we had another fight, and AGAIN, she said that she needs time and space to think about whether she wants to continue having this relationship or not. She says that she loves me, and that I'm "the best person she knows and will ever know". But she's still in doubt. I just don't understand her. I don't get what's happening. Everything is just suddenly coming out of nowhere, and it's seriously damaging me. It's very hard for me to give her the time and space that she wants, specially when I don't even know what her problem is. What's happening? Does she have commitment issues? What is she afraid of? If she really loves me as much as she says she does, then why is she acting this way? Why is she doubting us? The saying is he who cares least in a relationship controls it or wins. As she doesn't care or is on the fence. Frig it. Take off on your own and go complete no contact. Let her go. If she tries to come back..Do NOT take her back. You most likely won't do it as you're more afraid of the unknown in the future than the crap you are going through. Go out and take the time to learn and grow from this LEARNING experience. Then date as many different people as you can and decide who is better for you and you for them. She is going to resent you the more you try to work it out or make her stay at this point. She wants to leave. The balance of power is in her favor. Let her go and experience whatever...and if she tries to come back do not answer calls texts emails NADA. At least leave with some of your dignity in tact. She wants to leave. You even things out for the both of you and don't let her return. PERIOD.
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