SerCay Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Dear LS'ers, When I was with my ex he used to call me alpha female. He said I was more ''male'' than he was. His reasons were that I always had something to say and I was too witty (in his opinion). Now I do know I'm not ''usual''. I always have my opinion ready about things that concern me, and I never really back down when I feel it's not right what's happening, or when I feel it's unfair. This bothered him a lot. He found I was too ''mouthy'' and he couldnt deal with it. He said, literally, why can you never budge for me? Imo though, I have budged too many times for him in the beginning. So I won't do it anymore, if someone doesnt appreciate what you do for them, I wont do it anymore. Anyway, in the rest of my life I'm kind of a go-getter, in college, good looking (not meant in an arrogant way, just painting a picture), high self esteem. (My self esteem btw, had gone from top to zero during my relationship with my ex, I had to build it up again.) SO what do you guys think of this? Oh and you have to know that I do come from a family full of alpha females, most of them unhappy in their marriage, single or divorced:o... Even though I do feel that I was right in the things I didn't ''budge'' for, I do want to change this ''bitey'' and feisty aspect of myself, as I see what it's doing to other females in my family... I know it's a bit of a weird topic...but I hope you guys have any perspectives and can help me out!
carhill Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 How are you at compromise and 'win-win' and consensus-building? I've had the privilege to be around and observe some very effective leaders and, ironically, learned more about their leadership skills from observing them ostensibly 'following', actively. Some of those have been women. In fact, the wonderful feline reclining across from me just now came as a gift from one such woman, who not only can run a company but can empathize with the pain of loss and seek to assuage it, proactively. Having an opinion and viewpoint is valid and valuable. How one entwines it into the milieu of interpersonal relations bears witness to the relative 'good' or 'bad' of that person's style, relevant to such relations. Often, and mostly, it's the 'how', rather than the 'what', that defines the 'who'. Good luck. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 (edited) i think you can be a strong female and budge what makes you weak is when you don't consider another's opinion its not budging its being smart especially if its a partner it comes to a point if you dont budge, you are merely arguing for the sake of arguments sake and not actually growing......like on here for example i have defined opinions they are defined by my experiences my intellect...to discount someone else has having something of value to offer is a mistake plain and simple.and i have changed my mind many times from reading others posts because they are valuable with things i didnt think of...so i learn and i grow....... that person who you might discount, brings their intellect, their experience to the table....working together may be hard in a relationship, when you have two hard headed individuals that come together,and neither budges ... but if you compromis,e the solution or the way you go, might be something that you would never have thought of, but through the bouncing of ideas and thoughts you have a unique outlook... there are no alpha females...just strong ones.....and the strongest females know that to speak .....you have to be able to listen just as well you have to be able to compromise and mediate to achieve the best possible outcome...not just the one you think is right...but right for everyone I have always had a keen sense of justice, what is fair and what isnt,in a relationship i bring that........if i am with a guy it is normally a guy who balances my emotional responses out with logic and calmness...i would always listen to that......and i hope that we would find some middle ground and that my input is just as valuable as his...... as far as you did all the budging when you were first together......do you feel comfortable now so you feel you dont have to listen or give ........doesnt work like that...its give and take.......i wish you all the best and hope that your relationship becomes equaly budgy...;0)..i think you need to let go that you were the one to budge at first....if you want the relationship to last.......you need to be able to let it go...deb Edited September 16, 2013 by todreaminblue 1
Author SerCay Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 How are you at compromise and 'win-win' and consensus-building? I've had the privilege to be around and observe some very effective leaders and, ironically, learned more about their leadership skills from observing them ostensibly 'following', actively. Some of those have been women. In fact, the wonderful feline reclining across from me just now came as a gift from one such woman, who not only can run a company but can empathize with the pain of loss and seek to assuage it, proactively. Having an opinion and viewpoint is valid and valuable. How one entwines it into the milieu of interpersonal relations bears witness to the relative 'good' or 'bad' of that person's style, relevant to such relations. Often, and mostly, it's the 'how', rather than the 'what', that defines the 'who'. Good luck. Dear Carhill, I totally understand what you're saying here! Let me explain how it was for me, being the alpha female, in my ''how'' towards situations. In the beginning, like the first 1.5 year, I was very calm in my approach, I would never push something when I noticed the conversation wasn't going anywhere, and most of all, I was very patient. I let him have his way after explaining how I felt about it. But he hurt me a lot during this time. So at some point I just couldnt be patient and accepting anymore, it went automatically. My ''how'' then changed. It went from cal and patient and understanding, to mouthy and strongly opinionated. Also because I didnt really care anymore if he was angry with me. Because WHATEVER compromise or win win I ever sugested to my ex, he NEVER accepted any. He always wanted things his way, and I guess when my ''how'' changed, I just stopped accepting things going his way only. See it's funny you bring this up, our last argument was about that I kept telling him, no I dont want anything, if its not going to be a reciprocital (is that the word, I mean like 2 way street to put it in slang haha). And then he said once again ohh you re such an alpha, you can never budge even if its bothering me so much etc.
Author SerCay Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 i think you can be a strong female and budge what makes you weak is when you don't consider another's opinion its not budging its being smart especially if its a partner it comes to a point if you dont budge, you are merely arguing for the sake of arguments sake and not actually growing......like on here for example i have defined opinions they are defined by my experiences my intellect...to discount someone else has having something of value to offer is a mistake plain and simple.and i have changed my mind many times from reading others posts because they are valuable with things i didnt think of...so i learn and i grow....... that person who you might discount, brings their intellect, their experience to the table....working together may be hard in a relationship, when you have two hard headed individuals that come together,and neither budges ... but if you compromis,e the solution or the way you go, might be something that you would never have thought of, but through the bouncing of ideas and thoughts you have a unique outlook... there are no alpha females...just strong ones.....and the strongest females know that to speak .....you have to be able to listen just as well you have to be able to compromise and mediate to achieve the best possible outcome...not just the one you think is right...but right for everyone I have always had a keen sense of justice, what is fair and what isnt,in a relationship i bring that........if i am with a guy it is normally a guy who balances my emotional responses out with logic and calmness...i would always listen to that......and i hope that we would find some middle ground and that my input is just as valuable as his...... as far as you did all the budging when you were first together......do you feel comfortable now so you feel you dont have to listen or give ........doesnt work like that...its give and take.......i wish you all the best and hope that your relationship becomes equaly budgy...;0)..i think you need to let go that you were the one to budge at first....if you want the relationship to last.......you need to be able to let it go...deb Hi deb, ye you are right. See I tried all those things with him. He never wants to compromise, like I wrote to carhill below. Whenever I would suggest a compromise, he wouldnt like it, but he would never come with a counter compromise!! It had to be his way. Thats why I stopped budging.
CherryT Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I'm also what you'd consider a "alpha" female. I am accomplished in my career and have more financial stability then men double my age. I am a smart investor and have been able to make myself a pretty penny by just playing smart with my money. In the eyes of most men, this can be intimidating. I am also opinionated and am passionate about certain topics. Now, my Fiance is also an alpha male. He is accomplished in his career and is very independent. He believes a successful relationship is like a partnership and so do I. I believe we are so much better (independently) together than we are without one another. He doesn't like submissive women who can't fend for themselves. But he also likes feeling like a man in a relationship. I am someone who can definitely carry my own and then some but I am a woman and like being "taken care of" (not financially, but emotionally) in a relationship. It's finding that balance and choosing your battles. I don't need to be extremely opinionated about everything because he already knows I am a smart, successful, alpha female who can walk away from him. He loves me for being strong and independent but as a man, he wants to feel like I need him too. And I do. It's important to know when to be opinionated and when you're just disagreeing for the sake of debating. I have a friend who is like me, career wise. But in her relationship, she always needs to have the last word. A very common trait of an alpha woman. She can't let her BF be right, even if it's about the smallest things. I think "don't sweat the small stuff" and she can't. She'll debate until her face is blue just because she has an opinion. She prides herself in being an "alpha woman" but I think her insecurities of being seen as an Alpha woman makes her become harder than she has to be. You can be an alpha woman with an opinion but cool it a bit... I know if I always had an opinion or point for every little thing I'd exhaust myself. 1
MrCastle Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 There's alpha (confident, strong willed) and then there's bitchy/bossy. I distinctly remember a girl in class who felt like she spoke for all of us. The professor would ask us "do you guys want the midterm on Friday before vacation or when you come back?" And she'll yell out "na, give it to us on Friday." Or she'll say "someone turn the fan off it's cold in here" Really, really, unattractive. She was cute, but I would never go for her ever in my life. I love a woman who can stand up for herself and is assertive and not a naive airhead. Example: Naive girl: Why are you mad? He gave me ride home after class and asked me for my number. He doesn't want to sleep with me, he's just a good guy. He's harmless." Alpha: "Lol this dude in class actually tried to give me a ride home, I was like uhh I'll pass lol." A woman who doesn't put herself in situations that end in "well one thing lead to another..." or "it just sort of happened..." A woman who will call a guy out when she has to as opposed to whining on facebook or twitter about it with mysterious song lyrics that describe how they feel. But as far as a woman who tries to tell me what to do or how to do it. A woman who thinks she has a say in how I live my life -- lol I'm good. No thank you. 3
todreaminblue Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 There's alpha (confident, strong willed) and then there's bitchy/bossy. I distinctly remember a girl in class who felt like she spoke for all of us. The professor would ask us "do you guys want the midterm on Friday before vacation or when you come back?" And she'll yell out "na, give it to us on Friday." Or she'll say "someone turn the fan off it's cold in here" Really, really, unattractive. She was cute, but I would never go for her ever in my life. I love a woman who can stand up for herself and is assertive and not a naive airhead. Example: Naive girl: Why are you mad? He gave me ride home after class and asked me for my number. He doesn't want to sleep with me, he's just a good guy. He's harmless." Alpha: "Lol this dude in class actually tried to give me a ride home, I was like uhh I'll pass lol." A woman who doesn't put herself in situations that end in "well one thing lead to another..." or "it just sort of happened..." A woman who will call a guy out when she has to as opposed to whining on facebook or twitter about it with mysterious song lyrics that describe how they feel. But as far as a woman who tries to tell me what to do or how to do it. A woman who thinks she has a say in how I live my life -- lol I'm good. No thank you. mysterious song lyrics have their use castle or the writers wouldnt write them.....why not post lyrics...its better than discussing the color of your pooh...much more ...ummm interesting.....facebook is the devil...only good for stalking your kids..deb 2
Quiet Storm Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I could be wrong, but isn't it true that in nature, an alpha female does not dominate all males. She is the mate of the alpha male. She is still submissive to the alpha male. I have noticed many couples where the woman is more dominant. They are with laid back men that go with the flow. The man doesn't want to make waves. He will spend Christmas day with people that he hates, just because it's what she wants to do. I have noticed that in couples like this, their sex life is not too good. However, if this same woman has an affair with an "alpha" male, she will usually be the one doing what he wants. He has the dominant personality. She is the more submissive partner. And often, she is more sexually attracted to him. So I think you need to find a more "alpha" male. Someone that will appreciate your opinions and think its cute when you stand up to him. Not someone that will feel threatened by it. 1
Author SerCay Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 I think combined, all the things you guys write come to the same thing. It''s good for a girl to be opinionated but pick your battles, and don't try to control. Thanks so much guys, I got it figured. I wasn't an alpha female in the bad way he ssays I was, now that I think about it I never tried to control him nor did I want to be right about every little thing. Guess it was just a case of enoughs enough. Let me give you an example of what I used to get upset about which made him say I was being an alpha female: He always wanted to have dinner at like 10, 11 at night. I asked him many many times if we could eat a bit earlier since I have school and its also not healthy!... He just stopped eating with me, and when we did, it happened at 10 or 11 I saw him like 1 or 2 times a week, because he was playing indoor soccer EVERY day with his friends, when I asked him ok, so can we do someting together during the day then when you play soccer at night all the time and I ever get to spend a couple days with you? You guess.. yeppp I was being controlling and unsupportive. For indoor soccer was helping him with his mental issues and he was too tired to do anything during the day. I was an unsupportive wifey, in his words. Then, when he's be here for a day, he would come at 9 at night, and leave at 12 next day, so he could ''do his thing'' at home...and I got upset because I get to see him so little AND he leaves early yo do his thing before ..yepp soccer And then he did the nastiest thing by turning it around as if I didnt want him to play soccer,...as if that was my whole point. He knew it wasnt. I just dont get why someone would play that game. Would he believe in it himself? geese have I been fooled by mindtricks
Author SerCay Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 I could be wrong, but isn't it true that in nature, an alpha female does not dominate all males. She is the mate of the alpha male. She is still submissive to the alpha male. I have noticed many couples where the woman is more dominant. They are with laid back men that go with the flow. The man doesn't want to make waves. He will spend Christmas day with people that he hates, just because it's what she wants to do. I have noticed that in couples like this, their sex life is not too good. However, if this same woman has an affair with an "alpha" male, she will usually be the one doing what he wants. He has the dominant personality. She is the more submissive partner. And often, she is more sexually attracted to him. So I think you need to find a more "alpha" male. Someone that will appreciate your opinions and think its cute when you stand up to him. Not someone that will feel threatened by it. This is very true Quiet Storm, it's exactly what happened to me with him. He WAS my alpha male. But then when time passed, he just started to become more and more insecure and eventually ended up calling me alpha female who wouldnt budge for him. I guess the switch came right around the time I stopped being submissive to him..hmmm lightbulb 1
candie13 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Listen, there's nothing wrong with being opinionated and a go getter, but just remember that nobody, I mean nobody likes a smart arse. Nobody likes a person who dies to have the last word. Nobody likes a woman who has to be right all the time. As long as you avoid those above like the plague, you should be fine. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, it wouldn't kill you to use it, to get what you want. Soften the tone of voice and remember that you catch more flies with honey that with vinegar. Men like women who need them, from time to time. It's nice to show your vulnerability, it can be sexy... And no, I don't mean saying always "yes" at the beginning of the relationship, and after you've had enough, saying always "no". You're a woman, use your empathy... 2
CherryT Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I think combined, all the things you guys write come to the same thing. It''s good for a girl to be opinionated but pick your battles, and don't try to control. Thanks so much guys, I got it figured. I wasn't an alpha female in the bad way he ssays I was, now that I think about it I never tried to control him nor did I want to be right about every little thing. Guess it was just a case of enoughs enough. Let me give you an example of what I used to get upset about which made him say I was being an alpha female: He always wanted to have dinner at like 10, 11 at night. I asked him many many times if we could eat a bit earlier since I have school and its also not healthy!... He just stopped eating with me, and when we did, it happened at 10 or 11 I saw him like 1 or 2 times a week, because he was playing indoor soccer EVERY day with his friends, when I asked him ok, so can we do someting together during the day then when you play soccer at night all the time and I ever get to spend a couple days with you? You guess.. yeppp I was being controlling and unsupportive. For indoor soccer was helping him with his mental issues and he was too tired to do anything during the day. I was an unsupportive wifey, in his words. Then, when he's be here for a day, he would come at 9 at night, and leave at 12 next day, so he could ''do his thing'' at home...and I got upset because I get to see him so little AND he leaves early yo do his thing before ..yepp soccer And then he did the nastiest thing by turning it around as if I didnt want him to play soccer,...as if that was my whole point. He knew it wasnt. I just dont get why someone would play that game. Would he believe in it himself? geese have I been fooled by mindtricks It's hard to reason with unreasonable people and he didn't realize that you were just trying to spend more time with him - which is a good thing. I think you weren't being an Alpha female and I don't think he's an Alpha man. I think you were just open to suggesting how you could spend more time together, but he was unwilling to compromise his priorities (soccer) for time with you. You suggesting alternatives made him feel inferior because of his insecurities. 1
giblesp Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 What your ex was actually saying, was that he didn't feel man enough for you. Sounds like you need a man who is very masculine. That will bring out the woman in you. 2
soccerrprp Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 6 Signs you're dating an Alpha-female: 1. She's unimpressed with your romantic gestures 2. She continues to date other men 3. She's hard to reach 4. She's demanding 5. She insists on paying your share of the bill 6. She is sarcastic and condescending to you Is this accurate to what an Alpha-female is? According one website, it is. If this is an alpha-female, well, I've never met one and never want to. 1
Author SerCay Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 6 Signs you're dating an Alpha-female: 1. She's unimpressed with your romantic gestures 2. She continues to date other men 3. She's hard to reach 4. She's demanding 5. She insists on paying your share of the bill 6. She is sarcastic and condescending to you Is this accurate to what an Alpha-female is? According one website, it is. If this is an alpha-female, well, I've never met one and never want to. aahw no no no this website's got it totally wrongg I think this would be the description of a b*tch lolll
Author SerCay Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Theres no man on this planet who'd date an alpha female...no man wants to date himself. What male would want to date an arrogant, selfish, emotionally distant girl? I think assertive, nondoormat female = alpha female...my definition is different Women will never have more power than men, the human race would die out... see I have to disagree with you here... An alpha female is not something bad, the desription he found on the web is just not of an alpha female... Like you say, assertive and non doormat is the definition in little words. In some households, women DO have the power over their men...be it passive, or active...and believe it or not, there are men that are perfectly happy about this fact!! It also differs per culture..
Author SerCay Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 SerCay, You dated a controlling insecure assclown. There is nothing wrong with you and you will be fine. Get out there and you will meet plenty of men who think you are a breath of fresh air, love your sparkling personality and all that you bring to the table / offer. Thanks skid mark..thats such a sweet thing to say
Emilia Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) I don't find labels helpful and all this 'alpha' is just too simplistic in my opinion. People are complex, we are not wolves mating in the wild, we have built a society with complicated rules and nuances that no animals are capable of. I don't really believe this can be broken down to basic concepts as to whom you are submissive to and all that schoolbook wisdom. My views are closest to carhill's. It's about how you handle conflict but also it's about partner selection. I work best with men who are as assertive as I am. This can mean conflicts in a relationship but I don't mind clashes of opinions much (go figure ) and with an equally confident person a direct discussion results in some kind of an outcome we can both agree on. With a less-direct man conflicts I find harder to resolve because he will be often less verbal regarding what he wants and I'm very much about discussing points of view. If I'm with someone who goes quiet without resolving the issue hoping that it will go away by itself, I get frustrated and I know we are not a match. So as always it's about compatibility. Interestingly even though I'm confrontational and I challenge, I don't get angry easily. My best experience have been with men who prefer women that keep them on their toes. I'm much more likely to get frustrated by a man who isn't responsive. I also try to pick my battles and save it for subjects that concern us, ie it's not about dominating him or telling him how to lead his life, it's about what works for us together. On that however, I don't budge if I believe it's something that's fundamental. Edited September 17, 2013 by Emilia 1
Emilia Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 aahw no no no this website's got it totally wrongg I think this would be the description of a b*tch lolll Exactly. I don't understand why people find direct communication so threatening that they have to attribute nasty traits to it.
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