Should I tell Him

[amianidiot]

Hi All, this is a good one. My partner of 9 years has ended our relationship. we own a house together and will be co-habiting for a while yet.

2 1/2yrs ago i found flirt texts from him to my next door neighbour and a the time good friend on her phone - instinct told me to keep an eye on them as I saw furtive looks. There was 364 texts in 17days!!

They said it was harmless she told her husband, I forgave them and moved on until 4mths later I found one on his phone from her again harmless yadda yadda.

Again 3mths later there was a note regarding mine and his sex life found on her by her husband - no more forgiveness, i wanted to kill them (figuratively).

He begged me to stay wanted to spend the rest of his life with me - i spent my time checking his phone ugh! 4 mths later he tells me he doesn't love me, doesn't want me to leave etc.. I stay.

18mths later and here we are split up and living together!

He and her remained friends even though he knew how i felt about it - her husband worships the ground she walks on so he pretends life is good. If he went out for a walk with the dogs she went out within 10mins..

Recently as we were breaking up cos it took over a month - the situation was I don't love you, I'll try couselling, a row - I don't love you we're finished, I went off on a 2 week holiday we had booked for us he rang in the first week I can't stop crying thinking of you over there on your own, I'm worried about you but I won't wreck your head. In week 2 he rings we'll talk when you get home - we've nothing to talk about - we do about the future and if we can fix this.

I come home we go around in circles, then when i come back from a walk he says he'll try couples counselling. Great.

He knows I've been checking his phone for the last couple of years and it pisses him off so i tell him to change his code so i can't check - this was before i went on holidays. No sign of the counselling being organised by him - he said he would organise it, and when i asked him he said he thought it was too late so we broke up.

Ok I know I shouldn't but hello instinct again - I saw him punching in his code and checked his bill online, while i was gone there was a 7min call, another call a couple of texts to her next door.

then over the next 2 weeks more calls and texts not too many but too many for my liking. He swore she doesn't know what s going on with us - which i doubt cos she knows i don't want him texting her so how does he explain that he's suddenly "allowed" to.

I asked him when we broke up last week to show me his call account and he said no, i said if you have nothing to hide you would show me - he swore on his 3 kids lives and his brand new twin grandkids that there would only be about 3 texts on his bill - which i know to be a huge lie how could he? But he was adament that he wouldn't show me - hello something to hide right?

Does this mean when he swore on them previously that he was lying also?

Since i asked him to show me his online bill there has been no contact via his network - but when I'm on Whatssapp they are on at the same time and i know it's to each other.

My question after all that is..... Should I tell her husband about the texting - His paper bill will be in the door any day now and he works nights so I will get to it first - it will make for a tricky home life if her husband tells her I told him but....., he shouldn't be messing with a married woman - even though I don't think there is anything physical going on if I'm honest.

But they both know that we were so hurt by previous "harmless" texts that they shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

What do ye think?

Edited September 16, 2013 by amianidiot

[ChooseTruth]

So do you have any solid proof of cheating? Normally I would say he has a right to know...and I might still say that regardless. My exwife got pregnant (and then miscarried) and didn't know who the father was. If this is a full blown affair...these things are dangerous. His marriage is probably in a lot more trouble than he knows. How crappy to have it all come crashing down with his wife already having gone through the process of letting go...before he even knows there's an issue? What about STDs?

 

I once read a thread on another site where a man was furious because the other betrayed spouse never told him. Very similar situation actually, the other couple divorced and the affair continued. The betrayed husband went for several more years before discovering all that had happened. He was furious he had never been told and wanted those years back.

 

The downside is your proof isn't very concrete, though it is very indicative of at least an emotional affair, and likely a physical one as well. He may or may not be convinced. It's hard to predict how someone will react. He may even hate you at first...and then come around to see that it was for his own good.

 

My story: I had the displeasure of informing the other betrayed spouse in my situation. I drove to their house while the husband was at work and handed her a packet of info with very solid proof. On the cover of the packet I wrote that her that her husband had done something hurtful and thought she had the right to know if she wanted to. I stayed for 10 minutes in my car after she closed the door in case she wanted to talk. She didn't come out. 2 months I finally had reason to call her, and found she had indeed read the packet and was angry at me at first but wasn't anymore and understood. She said she had felt every emotion possible during those two months. They are still together. My wife and I are trying to finalize the divorce.

 

Anyway, there's my thoughts and experience with the matter. When I came here 100% of the people responding to my thread said to tell because they have a right to know and decide if they can live with a person who would take such risks.

[Sparty97]

"What do ye think?"

 

I think you're nuts.

[HokeyReligions]

No don't tell. The foundation for relationships nowadays is to lie and manipulate. DIStrust is the key here. You are certainly not responsible for your choices or behavior. I mean its HIS responsibility to change his phone code because its soooo normal to snoop. Its not snooping really. Its expected. Whatever you do - never communicate directly with the person you MARRIED! He's cheating -maybe but big deal. That's expected and accepted now. Its just sex. Marriage shouldn't mean either of you should give up all the potentially thousands of sex partners available. And falling in love too. I mean if a person is capable of loving multiple people then they should. As many as they want. Nah, don't tell.