Learned some things I shouldn't have about a close friend

[conflictedsupporter]

Background: I met my friend over a year ago, and we bonded quickly. We had something of a romantic relationship for a few months, but I wasn't really able to handle it, so it slowly dissolved back to a friendship. My friend had been living with his mother, who was highly abusive. A few friends of mine and myself ended up pulling him out of the house after an episode where his mother cornered him in his room for hours, leaving him a broken-down mess. He moved in with me into a bedroom I was renting from a friend, as he was only working a part-time job at barely above minimum wage. This lasted for a few months, then we found an apartment of our own in May, where we've been living since. I had to pay a year's rent up front (long story), and handled all the bills to date. I encouraged him to find a better job, as his old one paid squat, he hated it, and had an hour-long commute from the new location. After a few months, he did find a better job, though not one that would let him be self-sufficient (~$11k/yr). Throughout all this, we'd have fights about dumb, minor things, that would turn into blowouts. We'd scream at each other, then make up a few hours to a few days later.

 

Current problem: A few days ago, after coming home from a friend's party, I was drunk. I was just setting up on a computer I'd been letting him use for a while - my primary computer recently died, and all he does is surf the net and get on Facebook, so I swapped his computer for a tablet. I was switching out IM logons when I saw an offline message from a friend of his. I knew he'd been messaging this guy for a while, and he was always extremely secretive about doing so. So, I looked at the contact history. I know I shouldn't have, but I was drunk and nosy.

 

What I found was that this guy is apparently his cross-country boyfriend, who he's been venting to about everything wrong I've ever done. While I have no problem with the boyfriend part, I can't get the venting out of my head. There were numerous insults, absolutely nothing positive to say, references to going out and bashing me with some other people I used to be friends with (our friend circle is interwoven), wanting to send some of my belongings out to him because "I never use them", and talk of wanting to throw their relationship in my face to hurt me. The boyfriend, who talks in an extremely grandiose fashion, made reference to wanting to shoot me. It was from a time period where my friend and I were in the middle of a fight, and I highly doubt there was any actual intent there, but it was said.

 

So, I don't know what to do now. I know I shouldn't have looked at his history. It was a ****ty thing to do. But now that I have, I don't know how to handle it. I've told myself I can't be upset over it, that it's not anything I should have seen, that people vent to other friends, that it's nothing serious. But, I cant move myself past it, especially the comment about shooting me. I've spent literally thousands of dollars on helping him out and small luxuries (fast food, thrift shopping, a 3DS we share), with no expectation of repayment, and I feel like I've just been used for money.

 

So, I could use some advice here - what's the right way to handle this?

[Roadkill007]

you're his friend, not his mom. You were helping him and he was resenting you. It's understandable that he's stressed and he needs an outlet, but I don't think this is a healthy method. He's mentally replacing his mom with you, and thus, continuing an unhealthy relationship. You helped him get out, but he never really left. If you let it drag on without addressing the underlying issues, I think it'll poison the rest of your relationship with him and destroy your home life.

 

If I were you, I'd probably try to get him to therapy to address issues that he still has that were created from his unhealthy relationship with his mom. If he doesn't want to go, even if he was my friend, I'd kick him to the curb, as guilty as it'd make me feel.

[CC12]

So does he pay nothing in rent? What does he contribute to the household expenses? I'm asking because I think you need to stop living with him and I'm wondering how easily you can kick him out. Is he on the lease? Does he have somewhere else he can stay?

 

Venting to a friend is one thing, but what you saw wasn't just harmless venting. It was a lot more personal and malicious than that.

 

What was said to your friends? And he was offering to steal things from you to send them to the boyfriend? These are concrete justifications for throwing him out instead of saying "You hurt my feelings and were mean so leave."

 

I wouldn't even bring up the boyfriend thing. I would just say, "On my computer, I found some conversations of yours where you talked about stealing my property and badmouthing me to our friends. You need to move out by [date]" Be careful not to get into another screaming match. There is nothing to argue about. There is nothing more you need to explain to him. He knows what he said about you. Doing this over email and having it in writing might be a good idea. If he confronts you about snooping, apologize for doing it and leave it at that. If he expresses concern over you telling people about the secret boyfriend, tell him, "If anyone asks, all I will say is that we weren't getting along so you moved out." And ask him to do the same.

[conflictedsupporter]

No, he pays nothing in rent. I just recently gave him the first bill I wanted him to pay half a share of. He is on the lease, and he doesn't have anywhere else to stay, short of going back to his mother. He didn't explicitly say he'd steal anything, just that it was ridiculous that I had things his BF could use when his BF didn't have them. I don't know what he said to my friends, it wasn't specified in the conversation.

[CC12]

He is on the lease,

 

Oh man.

 

Well, do you want to throw him out? I think you'd be more than justified in doing so but if you're not ready for that yet, then I'd suggest you at least stop being so generous with him because he obviously doesn't appreciate it like he should.

[conflictedsupporter]

I don't really want to throw him out, because that means he'd almost have to go back to his mother, which was an ugly situation, and he'd almost certainly lose his job, because it's a good 30 miles away and he has no car.

[CarrieT]

You are enabling him - the way a co-dependent helps an alcoholic stay on the drink...

 

You need to have a frank discussion with him about his own personal responsibilities and how he is going to be able to step up to the plate and take care of himself. Immediately.

 

Perhaps he can go live with his boyfriend or something, but now that you know what he really thinks of you, the "friendship" is toxic and will only degenerate.

 

Personally, I would come clean and tell him what you know. Easiest way to move on with each other.

[CC12]

I don't really want to throw him out, because that means he'd almost have to go back to his mother, which was an ugly situation, and he'd almost certainly lose his job, because it's a good 30 miles away and he has no car.

 

These are all unfortunate things. It is not your responsibility to save him from them. You're a good friend for caring and wanting to help, but it can't go on forever.

 

Other than being away from his mother and having a slightly better job, how has he improved his own life since you've been supporting him? Is he trying to better himself through school, or saving money for a car, or building a nest egg in case you aren't there for him anymore? Is he still looking for a better job?

 

I'm kind of thinking the answers are "no" since he hasn't even done things like buying himself his own computer or shown gratitude by giving you even a token amount of cash just to show he's trying, or whatever. He seems perfectly happy to let you support him. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

You've given him a great opportunity to establish himself and gain independence. If he hasn't used that opportunity wisely so far, then you can't save him from himself. It would be due to his own choices that he ends up back at his mother's, not your fault. You did all you could.