He doesnt want to be official..

[lassie1001]

Me and my guy have been seeing each other on and off for 3 years and for the past 6 months we have been really serious.

 

when i say serious i mean we say we love each other, we spend every weekend together rather than go out, we dont see anyone else and i know this, i trust him. We both want each other and that is all.

 

But i want to be in a relationship with him and he is scared. He says relationships make things fail. He is scared that if we "break up" he wont see me again and, as we are now that wont be the case.

 

I know he loves me. I can tell, he tells me and he looks at me like he does. He puts my needs before his (most of the time), he truly loves me and i truly love him but i want this to be a proper relationship. I want to call him my boyfriend and him call me his girlfriend. I feel like im being ridiculous and just trying to put a label on it when there doesnt need to be one... or does there?

 

Yesterday i gave him the ultimatum - be with me properly or dont be with me at all. He looked heartbroken, and lied on my bed defeated and said "i am being so honest with you right now. No lies, no barriers. I love you, and if i wanted to be in a relationship it would be with you, no question, but i just cant. i cant do it, i dont know why. There must be something wrong with me because i just...cant".

 

He said he loves how things are, and that we are fine and he doesnt want anyone but me and that its just a label. And im like Yeah its just a label, but why cant you just do it if thats the case.

 

so he is basically saying he would rather have his heart broken and see me with someone else then just be my boyfriend.

 

Why is this? i cant get my head round it. And i feel like if i cave in and say ok fine because i love you i will do this for you, i will cheating myself because i want this so bad!

 

Thanks for reading. All comments appreciated x

[AMusing]

To clarify: what is missing in your "relationship?" He says he loves you, you spend time together, you've agreed to be exclusive.... Is it just the title that is missing? Or is he relegating you to sub-relationship status in other ways, too? And how old are you two? Has he been in a serious relationship before you? If so, how did it end?

 

Anyway, the bottom line is, you are not happy as things are--most women wouldn't be--and your "person" has no interest in changing things so you can be happy. It is tremendously hard to walk away from someone you love, but this is the type of situation when you have to love yourself more than you love him (cheesy, I know), and trust that you will meet someone who makes you just as happy as this guy does, but who will actually want to be completely and openly yours. It's one of those "causing yourself immediate pain, to avoid prolonged worse pain in the future". Seriously, I dated a guy exactly like this (he also didn't want to make our relationship "official," even though we were seeing each other exclusively for almost 3 years). I finally ended it with him around the 3-year mark, and let me tell you: I have never, ever, ever been happier with a decision.

[pteromom]

It's been three years. If he can't agree to be your boyfriend after three years, you are doing the right thing just breaking it off.

 

There's some reason he is so terrified of making it official.

 

Space away from you may help him figure out what that is and decide to change his mindset.

 

Or - it might not.

 

But you deserve someone who will give you all of himself.

[halloweengal91]

I know exactly how you feel about it. I had my boyfriend feel like same way as your boyfriend. He did say I love you & I said it back at him. He really love me so much & enjoy having me around at his place almost every single weekend. Now I'm not exactly sure if my boyfriend want breakup or take a break because he think it is not fair that I don't get to see his emotion or open his feeling to me also he has commitment issue. Also he think I deserve a better guy than him. I really love him so much & he really love me but our relationship is gone. I don't care if he has commitment issue or can't open feeling to me. All I want is to stay with him & encourage him go to counselor while in relationship. I never talk to him about it.

[carhill]

So, you're already boyfriend and girlfriend and merely deceive the public and your families?

[lassie1001]

To clarify: what is missing in your "relationship?" He says he loves you, you spend time together, you've agreed to be exclusive.... Is it just the title that is missing? Or is he relegating you to sub-relationship status in other ways, too? And how old are you two? Has he been in a serious relationship before you? If so, how did it end?

 

Anyway, the bottom line is, you are not happy as things are--most women wouldn't be--and your "person" has no interest in changing things so you can be happy. It is tremendously hard to walk away from someone you love, but this is the type of situation when you have to love yourself more than you love him (cheesy, I know), and trust that you will meet someone who makes you just as happy as this guy does, but who will actually want to be completely and openly yours. It's one of those "causing yourself immediate pain, to avoid prolonged worse pain in the future". Seriously, I dated a guy exactly like this (he also didn't want to make our relationship "official," even though we were seeing each other exclusively for almost 3 years). I finally ended it with him around the 3-year mark, and let me tell you: I have never, ever, ever been happier with a decision.

 

I am 22 and he is 21 and i know he has ... emotional.. issues. its taken him this long to finally admit he loves me.

 

I suppose yes in some sense it is just the status, but then with the status for me comes open acknowledgement of us and of what we are.

 

I often wonder if he really is who i want to be with, but its almost as if i have spent this long, and he has finally let me know how he feels, that i feel if i give up now its 3 years gone to waste - and will i find someone else who puts up with my crazy female outbursts and insecurities. and is this the only reason that i cant let go. Because if it really was perfect regardless of the label surely i would be happy anyway...? maybe i think if there is a label all the peices will slot together perfectly.

 

Yesterday (the ultimatum day) he showed up at my house unexpected after an argument and i looked terrible, i mean frizzy hair, no make-up, "that time of the month" spots, no bra, kind of terrible! and he still loved me! Ive never had that before and i never expected it from him.

 

I think the other user is right, i need time alone and so does he to figure it out.

 

Thanks for replying guys - ive been typing things i havent even consciously thought and just knowing theres somewhere to do that without being judged helps!

 

xxx

Edited September 16, 2013 by lassie1001

[lassie1001]

So, you're already boyfriend and girlfriend and merely deceive the public and your families?

 

Interesting thought..

[lassie1001]

It sounds like he wants the benefits of being in a relationship but none of the responsibility and expectations that come with the title.

 

Yeah i think that is exactly it you know. Being my boyfriend would entail more expectation than is there already.

 

It just proves really that he loves himself more than he loves me, which is fine. Great even. It just means i need to stop being such a mug and do the same thing.

[carhill]

OP, what could happen if you introduced the young man at your next social gathering as 'this is xxxx, my boyfriend'. What's the worst possible thing that could happen?

 

I recall, when my exW and I were dating and were routinely seen in public together and interacting with one another's families, this dynamic merely evolved to 'boyfriend/girlfriend' language, even prior to us becoming sexually involved. We both knew what our relationship was, just by our actions, and both viewed it the same way.

 

Your answer will be your own. If you're having to navigate this like the Panama Canal locks, perhaps that's an answer in and of itself. A healthy relationship shouldn't be 'hard'. It should flow. Good luck.

[lassie1001]

i feel like such an independent woman right now thanks guys x

[lassie1001]

OP, what could happen if you introduced the young man at your next social gathering as 'this is xxxx, my boyfriend'. What's the worst possible thing that could happen?

 

I recall, when my exW and I were dating and were routinely seen in public together and interacting with one another's families, this dynamic merely evolved to 'boyfriend/girlfriend' language, even prior to us becoming sexually involved. We both knew what our relationship was, just by our actions, and both viewed it the same way.

 

Your answer will be your own. If you're having to navigate this like the Panama Canal locks, perhaps that's an answer in and of itself. A healthy relationship shouldn't be 'hard'. It should flow. Good luck.

 

Agreed! My friend has just started seeing someone and when we have asked if they have had "the chat" yet, her reply is "well.. we dont really need to..we just know"

 

I think that is what its all about.

[pteromom]

I am 22 and he is 21 and i know he has ... emotional.. issues. its taken him this long to finally admit he loves me.

 

I didn't realize you guys were that young. So you've been dating since 18/19?

 

I often wonder if he really is who i want to be with, but its almost as if i have spent this long, and he has finally let me know how he feels, that i feel if i give up now its 3 years gone to waste

 

Don't stay with him just because it's what you've always done. If you aren't certain he's right for you, you don't even know what you may be missing. You are young - enjoy your youth!

 

I think the other user is right, i need time alone and so does he to figure it out.

 

Agreed.

[Mascara]

Hate to break it to him, but he's already your boyfriend.