He looks at women on craigslist. How do i react to this?!

[isloveenough]

Before I begin, let me tell you how I met my bf. It was through Craigslist personals. I know thats crazy, I know people think it may never happen, but at the time I posted 2 years ago, I was lonely and bored. I just wanted to communicate with people through email. Funny enough, my bf was one who responded, and he was so different, respectful and intelligent in conversation. We then moved to talking over the phone, for hours! And finally, we decided to get a coffee. There began our relationship and here I am 2 years later, crazy in love with this guy and he with me. We have talked about everything together, marriage, our house, our cars, our finances. We dont live together as we both arent ready for it financially, but we hope to be there in a few years.

In the first 6 months of our relationship, I found out that he used to respond to Craigslist posts quite often, even before me. He said he had only met with one girl off craigslist before me, and she turned out to be nuts lol. He used to email with them though, and chat. He said he sort of got dependent on it out of boredom, it was easy and fun to talk randomly with people. During our first 5 months we both went on Christmas vacations separately. I had found his email password on my computer while I was away, and I logged in. I found out he had emailed 1-2 girls off of CL while visiting his family in another state. I FREAKED out, I called him and asked him about it. I told him I logged in, etc. He didnt really care that I had logged in, but he was truly sorry he emailed them. This was when he told me it was a habit he had picked up well before he met me. And because I was away and not able to communicate much while around my family, he got bored and wanted to talk to someone. I told him it was disrespectful in my eyes, and that he had lost my trust. That night he talked to me for hours, he even skyped with me. He said there was nothing going on, it was only conversation, and that he really wanted something with me, even though it had only been 5 months. He said he wanted to say things to me that he was afraid of saying (i.e. I love you) and that he really took us seriously, that this was a habit he had to break and that he would. It took me almost a year to get over this. I never really forgave him for it. And I continuously checked his email. I realize though, he could have had an alternate address etc to email girls from. But in the time after this incident, I never once doubted he actually met any of the girls. We hang out so much, and we are both so busy in our own lives with school and work that one woman is more than a handful for him lol. And he genuinely loves me. Since that incident I never ever ever have had reason to doubt him. He tells me where he is going, who he is with, where he went, etc. I am a little over controlling in that aspect. I was cheated on in a previous relationship, so I guess I am a bit wary and cynical.

Anyways, last night I found something ... I was on his computer on craigslist looking for some stuff to purchase. I looked at his history ... and I noticed that back in May he was on the craigslist for mexico city, looking at girls postings in Mexico and he had logged into an email account I was not familiar with where the title of the email had the word "girl" in it. I approached him about it, giving him the benefit of the doubt. He sat down and explained to me that yes, he went on the personals section of craigslist in Mexico because a lot of the girls there post nude pictures. He finds Mexican girls really attractive and he sent the pics via email to himself at this other email address so he could look at them during his "alone time". He also said he used that other email address to log into a porn website which allows him to save videos he likes. You cant save without an email ... So I asked him, did you email any of the girls on craigslist? He said no, he did not. That he used another email address because the one I am familiar with is his school related one. He did not want to put vulgar material in there. He also said he changed the password to this new email address because he does not want me snooping in there. I said I was not comfortable with him looking at the pics on Mexicos craigslist section ... that it was creepy and disgusting. I may sound like a prude but to me porn is way different. He shook my hand lol and promised me he would never save pics like that again. He also said he loved me and that he has never done anything so extreme to jeapordize our relationship. That he would never do anything like that, that this was purely for masturbation.

Honestly, I know in my gut he has never cheated nor will he ever cheat. And I am okay with him watching porn. Even the girl pics on craigslist, I guess in a way that is amateur porn. And he doesnt even know spanish lol, so the posts in mexico city would not have made sense to him. But for some reason I cant get over this. I dont know if I am overreacting because I know how he is with me, that he loves me and wants to grow old with me. But every time I see him now this is what I think of, and it disgusts me.

Part of me wants him to log into his email address and show me the emails to prove that he isnt lying. But isnt that an invasion of privacy? Is it okay to ask it? I am afraid he would flip out on me. After all, he changed the password on the email address yesterday so that I would NOT snoop like I have in the past on his other email address.

[BradJacobs]

In the first 6 months of our relationship, I found out that he used to respond to Craigslist posts quite often, even before me. He said he had only met with one girl off craigslist before me, and she turned out to be nuts lol.

And how would you ever know whether he's telling the truth or not about only meeting one person?

 

Normal, good looking guys get a ton of *ss on CL.

[pteromom]

He's given you reason to be suspicious. If he has nothing to hide, he should have no issue just walking over to his computer, logging into the account, and letting you look around in there.

 

Heck, since you've caught him talking with girls before, he should have no problem with just giving you the password.

 

But I am getting a bad feeling about this whole story. The secret email address... yeah... getting a bad vibe.

[isloveenough]

Well he didn't have to tell me about meeting that one girl. And the details about their meetup. Plus he has told me how many girls he has been with, which is a lot, and where and how he met them, the pick up lines etc. He has told me everything about that. Plus I went to his alma mater and when I told him that while we were talking via the craigslist email, he got super excited and so did I. Because we went to a really good school on the west coast and the probability of finding someone like that on craigslist was pretty slim. So I think he agreed to meet me because of that.

And I get that the second email is weird. But I already knew he had few different emails. So do I actually. But not for porn reasons. I have personal, work, cute email names etc. And I do snoop and invade his privacy. I used to log into his email address regularly and check. I used to look through his phone and read his texts. Ever since the first incident 2 years ago. But after 2 years of constantly being around each other and meeting his friends and family, I really had NO reason to doubt him. I mean he hardly has time for me, he is constantly working or studying, and I have proof of all that. Even if he goes out with friends I will call him and he will always always pick up. He stays most nights with me as well.

 

It's the fact that he saved these girls pictures which was creepy!!! I think, don't you? he sees it as amateur porn. They put it up on craigslist so it's open for grabs almost. But I dunno, I respect him less after knowing this. And I'm having a talk tonight with him. I have to trust him when he says he never emailed these girls. And I guess it makes sense because he was looking at girls in a different country. How exactly is he going to meet these women when he is with me every day? I really don't care at this point if he even emailed them, i can work past that eventually. But to save their pictures. Ugh. Disgusting.

[pteromom]

It's the fact that he saved these girls pictures which was creepy!!! I think, don't you?

 

I don't think it is creepy. They put their nude pics up on the internet, so they must not mind if guys masturbate to them.

 

But I dunno, I respect him less after knowing this.

 

That is your right. And making sure your values match is a big part of deciding whether to continue a relationship.

 

I really don't care at this point if he even emailed them, i can work past that eventually. But to save their pictures. Ugh. Disgusting.

See, and I feel the opposite way from you. Saving a picture is no big deal to me, but emailing them shows a desire to create some sort of relationship with them.

[isloveenough]

I guess I can see it in the way that the pics were up for grabs by horny men but to me personally I just find it tacky for a guy to do that. I may be a bit uptight in that regard lol. See, this is where the values issue comes into play. Is this even a matter of values? Because when I asked my bf if it was ok for me to post pics up of myself (as a joke) he was like, ofcourse not! I dont know ... I am thoroughly confused.

 

The emailing part I agree, it does make it seem like he wants to establish a connection with them. I dont know what to say to that -- He promised me he would never do it again when it happened 2 years ago, and how would I really know if he kept that promise? I feel like my trust in him has fallen through again. Is it okay for me to say that to him?

[isloveenough]

The fact that you are tolerating this behavior to me is mind boggling.

 

You are weak willed and you have shown him you are willing to be his doormat. Time to wake up and realize what kind of person he is.

 

You should not trust him. Trust that intuition you have...a woman's intuition in matters like these is usually right. He is not trustworthy.

 

LOL. JaimeJams ... if you read my post you would know I have been cheated on before. I would not tolerate cheating of any form in the normal sense, and he knows it SO well. He definitely has that fear of losing me. Not to brag, but I am probably the best thing that has happened for him in a long time, the only steady aspect of his life (right now ... he is going through a tumultuous period).

 

Emailing the girls ... he did it once, he admitted it when I caught him, he apologized and we moved on. In the last two years we have spend almost 24/7 together since the emails. There was no way he could have emailed women and hid it from me. I know that just by our situation simply. Added to that he is crazy about me, we have great sex, we have a great relationship. I am "the one" according to him. And he doesnt bullsh*t, he says it like it is. Thats how he has gone through SO MANY women in the past. If hes bored, he moves on. And clearly after two years I have not bored him. So I am not worried of him cheating on me.

 

However, I feel like his player days are something he misses time to time. Maybe thats why he looks at these womens photos, maybe thats why he emailed them while we were dating. He no longer has to chase or anything, the excitement of igniting conversation and catching a new girl is gone because he has me. And I am not putting myself down, I am just trying to rationalize why flirting with other women might be ok in HIS EYES.

 

However, it is clearly not ok with me. And I have lost trust in him. He may not ever "CHEAT" on me, but he is doing creepy shady things like this and not telling me because he knows I will begin snooping. Well, lifes a bit*h. It will bite you in the a$$.

[isloveenough]

Based on the thread you posted on this forum about women and men, I think I will probably ignore your opinion, no offense. But we are definitely not on the same wavelength in general.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Its okay you are super dumb. You say you don't tolerate any form of cheating, even though your current boyfriend is cheating on you in a way You make no sense.

 

You are dumber. Your grammar is atrocious.

 

OP, I see that your boyfriend used to be a player. So I'm assuming that means that he's very good-looking.

 

Objectively, is he much better looking than you? If so, that might be the problem.

[isloveenough]

You are dumber. Your grammar is atrocious.

 

OP, I see that your boyfriend used to be a player. So I'm assuming that means that he's very good-looking.

 

Objectively, is he much better looking than you? If so, that might be the problem.

 

Actually, no. He's a rough and rugged looking guy. Kind of intimidating to look at actually. Hes a big buff guy too. But a softy once you get to know him. I'm actually quite pretty, although I feel weird saying it because I'm not the boasting type. But comparatively I would say I am the hot one. He is very charming and funny. He can make convo with anyone.

[BradJacobs]

OP, did y'all meet through the Casual Encounters section of CL? Didn't see that clarified.

 

If so your experiences should tell you all that you need to know.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It sounds to me like you are in denial.

[mikei880]

It sounds to me like you are in denial.

 

I agree. You deserve better. This guy is blowing smoke...

[yessy21]

how can I put this delicately.

 

R U N

 

THIS IS STD waiting to happen.

 

RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

 

my friends mom got aids from some guy on there.

She thought he was great until he gave it to her and told her it was too late.

 

He knew all along.

 

RUN