cat Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I don't get any of what just happened. We work peripherally in the same sphere. I saw him at an offsite location today. He chatted with me like we were friends. It made me want to barf. During lunch he brought his lunch in and sat with me in the private room I was in. During the conversation he said things like: "I am still living at my friend's house but I'm planning to move back into my house (with his wife) in a couple months." "I can't leave her, she won't be able to take it." "I still really love you a lot." "We never would have been happy. I"m too controlling and you're a free spirit." "I'm sorry I embroiled you in my mess." "Are you going back to your ex?" "I think I'll be able to be happy. I was always able to make myself happy before." "SHe's not as bad as I thought she was." "You can do better than me." I can't deal with any of this s***. It's so hard to feel like he'd rather be in a relationship where he was unhappy for 8 years (married for 20). All of a sudden he wants to be in it? He cheated four times, and she cheated as well. I actually think he's kidding himself. I don't think he's actually going to stay with her long term. I just think he needs to tell himself this right now to stay sane. I feel like I took a major step backwards today. I had been doing better. I hadn't seen him or had any meaningful conversation. Now, we chit-chatted and had a conversation about "us" so he can feel like he's the good guy again and made amends? It really makes me sick--literally--to think about it. HE ALSO LEFT AND CAME BACK TO THE LUNCH ROOM WITH A GD DM TWIX BAR FOR ME! (which he knows I love). WHY WHY WHY. SOrry, just venting, but this is pretty painful. I'm going to do every little thing I can to not ever see his face again. This is not helping me. Until today I had some hope he'd come back. Right now that's all gone and all I have left is grief.
Tangled web Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I'm sorry Cat. I'm not going to be much help to you because I'm literally going through the same thing at the moment. Feeling the same pain, anger, and resentment. I think reading all of the posts on here is really therapeutic. You're definitely not alone and hopefully if what I read on here is true, this could be our opportunity to save ourselves further heartache and get our life back. I now know what they mean by affair fog and while I'm certainly not out of it, I'm at least able to recognize what it is. Hopefully, that's a good start. Stay strong and good luck!
tiernan Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I know what you feel Cat. I am in the same situation at the moment. He is coming back to the family house and her. the only difference he says he will never be happy again and that he loves me terribly. It doesn;t change the pain though. It makes it worse. He has not even said he is sorry. Be strong like we all have to be. Hugs to you.
Author cat Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 I really don't think so. I totally get why you'd think that. But his affairs were over an eight year period, combination of one-night stand and one long term (two years). I just really don't think so. He's brutally honest to a fault. No filter. If he weren't going back to her, he would have just said "I'm not going back to her. I'm just living on my own right now."
imfine Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I'm sorry you are hurting. What a jerk. Anyone can see by the things he was saying it's still all about him. All. About. Him. However if his weak, selfish attempt at friendly conversation showed you he's never coming back, he did you a favor. If he tries to have any non-work related contact again, firmly decline. Your silence will speak volumes to him and help you regain your confidence to keep moving forward. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 He is far from done with his wife and that's a dynamic he's used to. Also whatever his reasons are to return home and give their marriage another go will never make sense to you so don't try to figure it out. This A is unhealthy for you and it's done a lot of damage to you as well. Put yourself first and do all that you can to avoid him. Tell him to respect you and leave you alone. If he truly cares about you at all, he'll do just that, leave you alone so you can heal. he is choosing his wife and you're choosing to not be around him PERIOD. He cannot have it both ways. 1
Author cat Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 He is far from done with his wife and that's a dynamic he's used to. Also whatever his reasons are to return home and give their marriage another go will never make sense to you so don't try to figure it out. This A is unhealthy for you and it's done a lot of damage to you as well. Put yourself first and do all that you can to avoid him. Tell him to respect you and leave you alone. If he truly cares about you at all, he'll do just that, leave you alone so you can heal. he is choosing his wife and you're choosing to not be around him PERIOD. He cannot have it both ways. Yes. you are so right. It is doing a LOT of damage to me. The one up side is that I have really learned who my friends are. I am well-supported. But it's been a huge blow to my self-esteem and it's also made me wary to trust. Maybe that will get better in time but right now I can't even look at men because I think they are all lying cheaters who think only of themselves. I can truly say today, right now, that I am sorry I ever met him. I wish he'd never come into my life. Before, I only wanted the fake NC--I wanted not to talk to him so he would miss me and eventually reach out to me. But after today, I really want to forget he exists and move forward. Whatever happens in his marriage-- even if he stays and is miserable-- it has nothing to do with me. I just know I can't go through another day like today. And I don't want to be his friend. It's even the chit-chatty conversation that got to me. I don't want to be friendly or joke or anything!! I just want him to NOT EXIST. To vanish. Vaporize.
ComingInHot Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 cat, what do you think he meant when he said, "she's Not as bad as I thought she was"? Of All the reasons/excuses that he barfed out to you today, that one stands out to me... Oh, and by the way... this Guy's a douche!! 1
Author cat Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 (edited) cat, what do you think he meant when he said, "she's Not as bad as I thought she was"? Of All the reasons/excuses that he barfed out to you today, that one stands out to me... Oh, and by the way... this Guy's a douche!! Well... the way he explained it to me was that he called her mean and boring and all kinds of other things during the 8 years they were coexisting but that he is realizing that maybe she's not all those things but that he was creating that image of her because he was scared of taking care of her if she got early alzheimer's like her dad. Or some crap like that. I didn't just hear about their "coexistence" and misery from him. We have lots and lots of mutual friends who were actually very happy for him that he finally found someone (me) who he was happy with and that he was leaving his wife. I bumped into a couple over the weekend and none of them knew what had happened. They asked me where he was and I said "he's with his wife." and they could not believe he went back. Isn't it possible that they are really, really unfulfilled together? I personally think he's going back because he 1) can't afford to live alone, 2) can't bear the mean things his wife and parents are saying to him and 3) he loves his daughter (she's 16) and parenting is the only thing he thinks he's done well, and leaving means he's a bad dad. I said today "I don't really think you want to be with K*****". And he said "Yeah, well.... that may be true." He thinks he can will himself through anything. He thinks that if he wills himself hard enough, he will be able to stay married to her. And he may be right. Edited September 17, 2013 by cat
imfine Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Close the door. No girl dreams of being a back up plan. Is that what you want? 1
Author cat Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Close the door. No girl dreams of being a back up plan. Is that what you want? Of course not. We had an open, public relationship (albeit short) for several months while he was laying groundwork to divorce-- some of which happened. As I've said before, he signed away all rights to his house. He introduced me as his girlfriend and said we were going to get married. I wasn't the backup plan then, and I'm not the backup plan now. He only has one plan-- to go back-- for reasons I don't know or understand. Guilt, fear, shame, laziness. Who knows.
imfine Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 He's choosing to go back. After moving out, starting divorce proceedings & a relationship with you he is going back because he wants to. That's all you need to know. His little convoy today was to see how far he can push the limits with you so when time passes he can call you up when he feels like it. Be prepared. He'll move back, play happy family & then he'll call you up. 1
tiernan Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Of course not. We had an open, public relationship (albeit short) for several months while he was laying groundwork to divorce-- some of which happened. As I've said before, he signed away all rights to his house. He introduced me as his girlfriend and said we were going to get married. I wasn't the backup plan then, and I'm not the backup plan now. He only has one plan-- to go back-- for reasons I don't know or understand. Guilt, fear, shame, laziness. Who knows. Cat you willl never know why he did that. I never know as well, why after two years of open relationship he came back home. It is better now than later believe me.
Author cat Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 Are you able to see the contradiction in your own words? Is this the affair fog again? Yes-- I totally see what you're saying. I"ll have to give that some thought. Because he's NOT honest. He's obviously a liar who says what he wants in the moment to protect himself-- and I mean to protect the fragile self-image he has cobbled together. I think what I meant was I had moments with him where he had no filter and just said things in ways that were hurtful and insensitive and that could have been phrased better to take out the sting. All that said, I don't think he's having another affair, and I do think that he's intending to move back into his house. At least this week.
Author cat Posted September 17, 2013 Author Posted September 17, 2013 So that's the news-- he texted me today. I mentioned we saw each other peripherally through work. He texted and said "The Director here is saying you stole the mouse from the spare computer yesterday and she needs it. Do you have it?" I DIDN'T TEXT BACK. This is huge for me. I called the director myself and apologized and said I'd drop it off tomorrow-- which I will at a time when I know he's not there. This is major progress for me. Granted, it's only been three hours, but I"m serious when I say I wish I'd never met him. I wish this had never happened. 2
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