Tangled web Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I'm having a moment and rather than break my barely 4 days of NC with xMM, I decided I should just ask you guys. I'm still devastated. I'm not crying as much and I'm seeing things with more clarity even after only a few days. But, I still get these waves of anxiety and nausea. I wonder if he misses me or if he's feeling all the same agony I feel. Since he's the one that ended it...does he go through these same emotions? Or is it really that cut and dry? Can he just make a decision that we're better off this way and be so content with it not to feel anything. I haven't been able to eat for days. I feel good one minute and the next I'm so tempted to call him. I am trying to use this as motivation, I mean if he isn't calling me that speaks volumes about how little I meant to him. I'm sure as heck not going to be the pathetic one to break NC. We were together for 6 years, and while I know in my head I don't want contact, I can't help but wonder why he hasn't contacted me. You would think he'd at least have some initial regrets. Is it so easy for him to just pretend like I never existed? I imagine him enjoying himself while I sit here dwelling over every detail of our relationship. I know it doesn't matter, but it would make me feel better if he was equally as miserable!
tiernan Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 He is miserable too. Both parties suffer regardless who broke with whom. It is years after all and it is not easy to forget. He will contact you. Mine contacts me now every day. It is useless crap though how much he loves me and misses me, but at least he admits to being miserable too. It doesn;t make me feel better though. I start to hate him for being so selfish, stay strong as I try to be
Author Tangled web Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 We are both married and our "real" lives at home are nearly identical. I know I'm just being irrational and bitter at the moment, but it just hurts that I'm not ready to settle back into my old life and because he decided to, I can only assume he's happy with that decision. Again...I know it's the right decision, but I can't help but feel like because our A was undiscovered he's just able to brush himself off and get back to normal. Meanwhile, I'm in turmoil and not sure which direction to go because I've gotten so accustomed to living in my fantasy world. Just feeling insignificant and alone.
KentuckyGent Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I disagree wholeheartedly. MW/MM don't hurt near as much as those of us who are left holding the bag while they go back to their lives. I'm speaking only for single OM/W. 5
Calcmag Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 (edited) Sorry you're hurting so badly. Of course none of us can get iside MM's head, I'd say he is very likely missing you, but not feeling the same level of pain that you are. Simply because usually, its not as tough on the married person as it is on the single one. Edited to add, or in your case you almost have the mind set of being the single person because you dont want your 'old life' . Its so hard. Edited September 16, 2013 by Calcmag
ConcreteHeart Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I think it is painful for all involved. You can't forget the feelings you both have for each other. All you can hope for is that over time you can both get to a place where you accept the gift of what you had, grateful that you were there for each other at some point and move on. My exMM and I have parted ways because it is the right thing to do. It hurts. I hope that one day we can get past the sadness of the loss and what could have been so that we can one day see each other and have nothing but love and respect for one another, without the pain of longing for what can never be. I betting on the healing power of time. It's all I've got to hold on to.
Cali408 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Everyone hurts. I'm sorry for what you are going through. It will get tolerable. I promise. This is where you need to be selfish. Focus on you. Don't worry about him or whether he's hurting. Every day you don't contact him you are getting better. You're better off going through pain and agony for a few weeks than to take a step back to make yourself feel better. This prolongs the healing. You're doing NC for yourself, and your family. I bet there are at least 5 good things that happened to you today that you're taking for granted or didn't notice because you're living in a fantasy. Accept the fantasy is over and move to reality. Let go of it.
Goodbye Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I think initially my exMM felt relief being in NC. No longer did he need to tell his W excuses to go to the store at odd hours and call me...stuff like that. Simplified his life. However, about 3 months into it he started to try and creep back into my life with little emails, and then calls. At that point he was probably starting to miss me, or miss the thrill of having someone...who knows. He called me a couple of weeks ago sobbing that he was hurting from missing me. When I asked him if he'd done anything to change his situation, he was avoidant...as in NO. I haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks again, so maybe he has moved on. I have no way of knowing, and I probably shouldn't care, but of course I do. I just stay sane by holding up my end of the NC.
Goodbye Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I disagree wholeheartedly. MW/MM don't hurt near as much as those of us who are left holding the bag while they go back to their lives. I'm speaking only for single OM/W. I agree with this. As a single fOW, I am quite alone now. However, it must be hard for them if there was never a d day, to grieve the loss of an AP secretly. 1
Calcmag Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I agree with this. As a single fOW, I am quite alone now. However, it must be hard for them if there was never a d day, to grieve the loss of an AP secretly. It is very hard if you're trying to grieve but do have to hide it from BS. My A had a couple of endings while I was still married, and I would feel desperate for time alone to cry or just wallow. Spent a lot of time in the shower where I was able to cry in peace. 1
KentuckyGent Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I agree with this. As a single fOW, I am quite alone now. However, it must be hard for them if there was never a d day, to grieve the loss of an AP secretly. Not if they never truly cared in the first place and you only filled a void in their life. 2
Red Wolverine Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I disagree wholeheartedly. MW/MM don't hurt near as much as those of us who are left holding the bag while they go back to their lives. I'm speaking only for single OM/W. Not necessarily. As the fOW, I was instantly free. If you're dealing with a MM/MW who claims to love their spouse and/or was looking for a sexual affair, it could be reasonable to assume they fell back into their routine. Remember, they never really left that routine during the affair anyway. For the married APs who are unhappy and believe they found happiness with their OW/OM, I would imagine they are miserable. I'm not terribly sympathetic because they could have made a different choice. They get to be reminded everyday that they continue to remain in an unhappy marriage when they could have ended it and found happiness. Again, this is where weakness and cowardice comes into play. The one left holding the bag is the BS, especially if the affair was discovered. He or she gets the mess to figure out and a life that will never be the same. Focusing on that puts things into perspective for me. 2
solostand Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I hurt the most. lol. I belong to A.A. and at the A.A. meeting this morning, someone brought up the motto One Day at A Time. In other words, alcoholics cannot imagine never drinking in life again, but if they choose not to drink JUST TODAY, then its an easier task. I mean anyone can get through one day right. Yesterday I was all traumatized about a big ole fight I had with my AP and I told him I was going to the liquor store. At the moment, I really wanted to go to the liquor store. He said if you can just get through tonight without a drink, tomorrow I will give you $100 and you can drink your face off. This morning he asked me if I wanted that one hundred dollars and of course I did not. An affair is like an addiction and if you go through it one day at a time, the NC thing I mean, it probably makes it a lot easier. Now, if I could only follow my own advice. 1
awkward Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 The person who is more invested hurts the most. The married person has another relationship to keep them occupied.
randomwoman Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I have failed at this NC thing so many times that I've lost count. I was typically the one to cave in and make contact. We usually talked about it after we started communicating again. He admitted that he was sad about it..but said that he pushed it out of his mind and went on with his life. I feel that men have an easier time with NC. They aren't really communicators like women so I don't think it stings as much/as quickly as it does for women. I do think they miss the contact at certain times(maybe at night/during lonely times) It gets easier, hang in there. It feels like torture but just try to make it over the hump. The dumper usually has the easier time with it because they have mentally processed it longer than you have. 1
KentuckyGent Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I feel that men have an easier time with NC. They aren't really communicators like women so I don't think it stings as much/as quickly as it does for women. This is simply not true. I'm a communicator, my exMW wasn't/isn't. And this stung me much more than it did her. I was the one who fell hard and got burned.
psm04 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I feel that men have an easier time with NC. They aren't really communicators like women so I don't think it stings as much/as quickly as it does for women. I do think they miss the contact at certain times(maybe at night/during lonely times) I agree. I think that is the whole 'compartmentalization' that has been talked about on here several times. I think they have a really hard time, but they probably feel it more when they're alone and not occupied, vs us who think about things even in the middle of other things! It gets easier, hang in there. It feels like torture but just try to make it over the hump. The dumper usually has the easier time with it because they have mentally processed it longer than you have. Agree with this too. I'm pretty sure that I'm having an "easier" time with this since I initiated the ending. I'd been mentally preparing for months. But it doesn't make it any better though. There are still times when I feel like I'm going to break down.
psm04 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 This is simply not true. I'm a communicator, my exMW wasn't/isn't. And this stung me much more than it did her. I was the one who fell hard and got burned. Hi, even if she wasn't/isn't a communicator, I'm not sure that it means she's hurting less. I think people deal with grief in different ways. Some internalize a lot.
whereamigoing Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I thought, during NC, that I had it the worse even though our NC was fairly mutual. He had her, after all. His life just picked right up where it had left off before I came into the picture. I grieved the relationship. It was like he had died. I've lost those close to me and the level of emotion was comparable. I felt alone, abandoned, and borderline hysterical for quite some time. I sought some counseling but felt ridiculous confessing my issues were related to the end of an affair with a MM and realized, on some level, I needed to feel the pain of it in order to move on. I had a few friends who knew and supported me. I engaged in some less than healthy activities for a while and generally indulged in my mourning period. I wallowed. During that time I imagined him and her living happily ever after, without a care or thought for me. Out of sight, out of mind. My wallowing depended on the idea that he didn't care and that he didn't "pick me" even though I didn't really want to be picked at the time. Now that we have restored contact and their divorce is getting finalized I find that was not the case at all. Quite the opposite. He didn't have the freedom to go nuts or a friend to confide in like I did. During NC he couldn't be honest about his feelings, there was no wallowing. He bottled it up and it stewed. It made him intensely unhappy but he couldn't express that at all. He couldn't/wouldn't seek counseling either, due to some sort of macho misconception about counseling as well as some work issues. Additionally, after dday, he had to deal with a very upset, hurt, and, justifiably, accusatory wife who would show up unannounced or call repeatedly, wanting to know every detail*. He dealt with it by picking up a LOT of extra work and spending more time with his aging parents. When comparing the two I guess I'd rather have it my way. Being unhappy and feeling lonely is bad enough, but having to put on a fake smile and pretend all is okay would be worse. *They did not live together prior to the affair, during the affair, or since the affair. 2
zevahc Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I thought, during NC, that I had it the worse even though our NC was fairly mutual. He had her, after all. His life just picked right up where it had left off before I came into the picture. I grieved the relationship. It was like he had died. I've lost those close to me and the level of emotion was comparable. I felt alone, abandoned, and borderline hysterical for quite some time. I sought some counseling but felt ridiculous confessing my issues were related to the end of an affair with a MM and realized, on some level, I needed to feel the pain of it in order to move on. I had a few friends who knew and supported me. I engaged in some less than healthy activities for a while and generally indulged in my mourning period. I wallowed. During that time I imagined him and her living happily ever after, without a care or thought for me. Out of sight, out of mind. My wallowing depended on the idea that he didn't care and that he didn't "pick me" even though I didn't really want to be picked at the time. Now that we have restored contact and their divorce is getting finalized I find that was not the case at all. Quite the opposite. He didn't have the freedom to go nuts or a friend to confide in like I did. During NC he couldn't be honest about his feelings, there was no wallowing. He bottled it up and it stewed. It made him intensely unhappy but he couldn't express that at all. He couldn't/wouldn't seek counseling either, due to some sort of macho misconception about counseling as well as some work issues. Additionally, after dday, he had to deal with a very upset, hurt, and, justifiably, accusatory wife who would show up unannounced or call repeatedly, wanting to know every detail*. He dealt with it by picking up a LOT of extra work and spending more time with his aging parents. When comparing the two I guess I'd rather have it my way. Being unhappy and feeling lonely is bad enough, but having to put on a fake smile and pretend all is okay would be worse. *They did not live together prior to the affair, during the affair, or since the affair. This was very insightful...thank you for sharing...it sounds like you're doing well now...
red605 Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I know from experience....BOTH are hurting. Sometimes that hurt is what brings you back together. Like ripping a bandaid off slowly...it hurts so you just keep putting it back on. Ugh.
zevahc Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 I know from experience....BOTH are hurting. Sometimes that hurt is what brings you back together. Like ripping a bandaid off slowly...it hurts so you just keep putting it back on. Ugh. And red....if I may ask. Do you mind going into further detail? You know from experience. What can you share about both people hurting, albeit maybe different, that one or the other isn't alone. I find it therapeutic and it helps to relate...if you can expand.
maidai Posted September 18, 2013 Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) I have no idea who hurt the most because I went no contact and have stayed no contact. I made sure all routes of contact were totally blocked and went out of my way to make sure bridges were so badly burnt the smoke could be seen 10 counties away He would have to be stupid with the size of the signals I sent out to even contemplate contacting me. He won't because he thinks he would get a sizeable piece of the truth and he is spineless with low self esteem, terrified of rejection and can not handle confrontation. The truth is he would get non of these things because I have no desire to engage him at all. I am sure being the narcisstic lying sociapathic person he is though he will be thinking I am sitting here waiting for him to come crawling back. The way things ended I think possibly for the first week I hurt more. As time goes on I think he will suffer a long painful miserable life and have more regrets than me. No, I don't think it I know it. Just 7 weeks on his life has been completely highjacked and every move he makes has to be to please someone else. He can no longer breath and definately is not allowed any form of a life other than work and home and keeping her happy. Long may it continue say I :laugh: In the meantime my life has improved 1,000 times over and having gone from thinking I was happy I would not go back to 7 weeks ago now if my life depended on it. Edited September 18, 2013 by maidai 2
solostand Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I dont know. My MM seems to be getting and deeper in love or whatever all the time. Today he was all about wondering how our lives would be now if we had not met one year ago. He tells me he just cannot get me out of his head. He is always thinking of me, things I said, things I could do, things we talked about. Even at 4 a.m. I am in his head constantly. Flowers he could bring me to make up for the other flowers. He carries my picture in his truck. Yesterday he met my 27 year old son. I would imagine in NC he would suffer greatly, as would I.
KentuckyGent Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I would imagine in NC he would suffer greatly, Don't mean to sound harsh, but don't be so sure. I heard all the same bull**** and that's exactly what it was. Actions speak louder than words.
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