Blackened Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Last night my boyfriend and I were talking about our relationship... this is something that doesn't come particularly easy for either of us. So these conversations are always awkward. We have been together 14 months. We don't live together. We actually live an hour away from each other and only see each other on the weekends. This whole conversation started because people we know keep asking us why we haven't made plans to move in together. Right now living apart works well for us. I admit that sometimes I wish we lived together, but at times I'm also glad we don't. I have been thinking about moving to his city though, not just to be closer to him, but also for better job opportunities, etc. I have a few good friends who live there, and pretty much all my friends in this town have moved away, so I don't have much of a support system here anymore. We were talking about that last night too. He told me it would be a big step just moving closer to each other. I told him it's so hard to tell where I stand with him exactly, because he is so hard to read and emotionally guarded. He doesn't express himself at all. He told me he feels bad about keeping me in limbo. I told him I loved him nine months in, he still has never said it back. For a while his big thing was "I was with my ex for three years and only told her I loved her like three times, and the first time was after over a year together." I could accept that. He just doesn't like saying it, fine. But now that we've been together over a year and he still hasn't said it I have started to wonder. But, we are really happy together. This is honestly the best relationship I've ever been in. I've been cheated on a lot, and controlled a lot. I've been dumped for other people a couple times... my history is awful. It's just been one heartache after another. Now I have someone who treats me like I want to be treated. Our sex life is great, we make each other laugh, we have a lot in common, etc. So basically, last night I just decided to ask the question outright. "DO you love me?" I was pretty confident in a yes. Because I really thought he did and just didn't like saying it. HIs answer: "I don't know." I keep trying to tell myself actions speak louder then words, and he certainly acts like a man in love. But I am honestly devastated that after over a year together he still doesn't know. He went on to tell me that when him and his ex broke up he wasn't even that heartbroken about it, so after losing her he wondered if he ever even loved her in the first place. So now he said he has a "complex" about telling me he loves me and wants to be sure without a doubt before he says it. Ok... so I'm supposed to just hang around in limbo until he decides? I am not sure what to do here. This is such a good relationship, and I don't want to end it over something as trivial as words. But at the same time I don't feel like it's fair to me to stay in it and wait around either. Last night I started crying right in front of him after he told me this... He hugged me tight and comforted me. We laid on my bed and cuddled. He told me that he likes things between us and wants this to continue, which I can agree with. But at the same time it's so hard loving someone who doesn't even know if he loves me back. I have no idea what to do... am I making too big a deal about it? I had a hard time sleeping last night over this... Now he is in my bed sleeping and I am out here typing this and crying my eyes out. This suck...
Philosoraptor Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 The issue here isn't that he isn't sure, but that he keeps comparing you to his ex. Speaks of a man still not fully over his past. He hasn't let go of that past relationship, or her, or else he wouldn't be judging the two of you based on their relationship. Doesn't seem like you got a fair shake here, and something tells me had you had a better relationship history in your past that you would have seen this as well. 1
coolheadal Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Well he gave you answer. Which was he doesn't know? That means he not sure of you yet. Or like the prior post answer said he comparing you to his ex. Guys like this are not being honest to themselves they need to step-up to the plate and come clean. Your lucky now you know how you stand in his mind! I mean the outcome is not what you seek. But you now have too decide to stay in this relationship or say your goodbyes and more on! I would leave because of his answer. Sometimes leaving makes that person decide whether he wants you or not? If he does he will do whatever it takes to win your heart back! If he doesn't then you know this not going to work at all!
Roadkill007 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 I think you need to figure out what you want. Do you really want that commitment right now? Or are you okay enjoying the ride and seeing where it goes? I know it might seem that he's complacent because he doesn't care, but there ARE some people who have slow-burner relationships. You just have to know whether you are the type of person who is okay with that, or if you're the type of person who needs commitment before "wasting time". Everything else, time will tell.
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