ashleyn09 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Hi, I am new here and have read several of your posts. About a month ago my boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me. It was and is really rough on me. I got physically sick and remember talking to my friend on the phone and would constantly gag. I still will have a pain or knots in my stomach at times. The reasons seem to change but basically I am the person he blames for everything wrong in his life. I admit I am not perfect but had no idea that I was so all powerful to completely ruin someone's life. He has financial problems mostly and his ex wife has turned his kids against me so I don't get along with them no matter what I do. He made a show of crying and acting as if he was hurt to while I was there but since that time it is as if he is happy I am gone. I am in grad school (although I have really been neglecting that since this) and so I had to move back in with my parents in order to be able to afford to continue that which really sucks. I admit that I did the whole begging, calls and texts but then did the NC. That lasted for a week maybe until I saw something that reminded me of him and broke that. Last week we met to talk (we own several horses together and I have a lot of things still at his house) that ended up in him telling me that he was going to dated other people but wanted to sleep with me on the side. He claimed that maybe he would see that what he had right in front of him was what he wanted after all. I had just told him about a horrible experience in my life he had asked about and THAT was what I get. He also told me at one point that he had fallen in love at first sight with a woman he had known for a while but that was a lie I guess to hurt me. He seems to love to hurt me and play games. He says he loves me and hates me at the same time and other times he claims he has no feelings of love for me. Like I said I am the only one who did wrong in his mind. This is one of the hardest things I have been through because I do love him despite how easy it is for him to hurt me. At this point I'd probably take him back although I know in my head he is a ass. I have decided to try NC again and haven't talked to him since the Friday...I'll take it one day at a time. I guess I am asking for your thoughts about this situation. I really needed to vent, I do keep a journal since this breakup and that does help but I think my friends/family may be sick of hearing about it lol. I guess I just don't understand how someone could throw 8 years away just like that and then treat me as horribly as he has since. This has been my only real relationship as an adult so it is really hard on me.
Philosoraptor Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I'm sorry for your pain. But read back your post and ask yourself what you would tell your best friend if she came to you with the same story. He manipulated and emotionally abused you. He also suggested continuing to use you for sex while he dates other people. He is filth, nothing more. Selfish manipulative filth. Be thankful that you only used 8 years on him and not a minute longer. You seem to be a good hearted person. Go NC, take time to heal up, and in time you will find someone who treats you as good as you are willing to treat them.
lindsay1990 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Whoa, whoa. He said like every wrong possible thing he could have. Saying he wants to sleep with you on the side? You say you would take him back but he's not *really* asking to be taken back is he? He has been with you for years and if he says he wants to see if what we wants has been there all along, trust me I am 90% sure I am right: he knows it and thinks he can do better. Also, if he is blaming you for everything he is also trying to guilt trip you into his convenience, into being there on the sidelines. I think you should take advantage of being at your parents house and go decidedly No Contact on this man. Sometimes we can all be selfish and try to have our cake and eat it too, but to be so upfront about it? I would say this man doesn't only not respect but also takes you for a fool. I'm sorry if this is super harsh, but I would advise to be strong and stay the heck away!
Author ashleyn09 Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 I think he is a narcissist really. He thinks a lot of himself, he told me he thinks he is always the best in whatever room in walks into. Which is funny since my friends were surprised that I was with him because truthfully they never thought he was good enough for me from the start and told me that then. Of course I never listened. He told me he doesn't care if I see other people, that he thinks I will always come back to him. In my head I know it is great that he is gone but in my heart I know right now I'd still go back with him. I know he isn't asking me to get back together but I am just say if he did, I'd be dumb enough to do it at this point.
Zahara Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I don't blame your friends and family for feeling the way they do. It would be hard and tiresome for anyone to stand by and watch another get emotionally and mentally abused. If I had a friend like you, it would be hard to figure how she could still manage to say that she would take a man back and one that said he wanted to sleep with her on the side just to see if he could see any potential in her for a commitment. It's repulsive and humilaiting. That would almost send anyone who had even a little bit of self-respect and dignity to kick that ass to the curb. One thing I will say to you is that men do not respect women that lower themselves to nothing for the sake of wanting to be accepted and loved. It only teaches him that you require nothing because you see no value in yourself. And there you will stay. The fact that he stated he will sleep with you on the side solidifies how he views you. He has zero respect or love for you. People throw marriages away. Marriages that have lasted decades. The duration of a relationship doesn't guarantee any permanency or loyalty. One day you're in love and the next you're running after each other with an axe. It happens all the time. What is there to understand? People change. Relationships change. Please stay NC. You want to "love" a jerk, so be it. But that doesn't mean you have to keep going back and allowing yourself to be treated badly.
lindsay1990 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 People throw marriages away. Marriages that have lasted decades. The duration of a relationship doesn't guarantee any permanency or loyalty. One day you're in love and the next you're running after each other with an axe. It happens all the time. What is there to understand? People change. Relationships change. I wonder though if this is a case of actually changing. It sounds like it was like this all along, his narcissistic abuse. To me, this guy is doing you a favor by making you an offer that (you have to tell yourself this!) you gotta refuse. I don't know if this helps or makes it worse, but it helped me in deciding if I should stay under my ex's terms (different situation though), since you say you are back at your parents, and they are supporting you throughout this ordeal and with your school, then stay away from this guy if not for you then for them. What I'm saying is, we are confused but in love and when we are in messed up situations we can try to rationalize things and go back to them, BUT in my case at least, I found thinking of my parents helped me. Literally stuff like "poor my parents it would break their hearts to know I am here, in this foreign country going through this, putting myself in this sh*tty, disgraceful situation". It might be worth a shot if all other justifications fail at this point while emotions are running high.
Author ashleyn09 Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 Since it has only been a month and it was a long relationship it is hard for me to just want to give up. Yes there were a lot of bad times but I am still at the point of thinking of how things were before they went to crap. I refused his offer and let him know that he basically insulted me after I trusted him just hours earlier when I told him about being raped before. I think you are right, I am at a low point right now. I need to think about how my going back to him would affect other people I care about. I have really low self esteem at this point and he knows this and is using it to his advantage. Thanks
Zahara Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 I think he is a narcissist really. He thinks a lot of himself, he told me he thinks he is always the best in whatever room in walks into. Which is funny since my friends were surprised that I was with him because truthfully they never thought he was good enough for me from the start and told me that then. Of course I never listened. He told me he doesn't care if I see other people, that he thinks I will always come back to him. In my head I know it is great that he is gone but in my heart I know right now I'd still go back with him. I know he isn't asking me to get back together but I am just say if he did, I'd be dumb enough to do it at this point. Instead of analyzing what he is, maybe it's time you start analyzing yourself and figuring out what about you is so dependent on someone that abuses you. This is a perfect kick in the ass for you to start working on you.
Recommended Posts