Is it possible to a girl you're dating heal?

[counterman]

Title should read: Is it possible to help a girl you're dating heal?

 

So I'm dating this girl at the moment, and she confided in me that her past two relationships had had a massive impact on her. She still has trust issues and, although she doesn't like those guys anymore, she is still affected by the hurt she felt. As a result, she has told me that talking about her exes is not something she can only do just once and leave it at that. She would like to open up about them and talk about how they impacted her.

 

I'm not sure whether it is a good idea to be in a relationship with her... We're just dating at the moment. What do you think?

Edited September 16, 2013 by counterman

[Philosoraptor]

No, goodness no. You're opening yourself up to a world of trouble by trying to heal someone else. I'd keep it casual until she's over he past, as she can't move on to a healthy relationship until she's got stable emotional footing for herself.

[Brown-Eyez]

Title should read: Is it possible to help a girl you're dating heal?

 

So I'm dating this girl at the moment, and she confided in me that her past two relationships had had a massive impact on her. She still has trust issues and, although she doesn't like those guys anymore, she is still affected by the hurt she felt. As a result, she has told me that talking about her exes is not something she can only do just once and leave it at that. She would like to open up about them and talk about how they impacted her.

 

I'm not sure whether it is a good idea to be in a relationship with her... We're just dating at the moment. What do you think?

 

 

IF you wanna be her THERAPIST and NOT her BF go right ahead my friend

 

otherwise find someone who doesn't need to USE you so obviously

[veggirl]

um no way, why is this girl even dating if she isn't over her ex?

 

look, we have ALL been hurt, it's not an excuse. EVERYONE could walk around with bags and bags of trust issues, plenty of people though work through that on their own and go on to have happy relationships without those issues. if she hasn't worked through them, she needs to on her own. she will only drag you down.

[soccerrprp]

...and whatever you do, don't feel guilty about it! It's not your responsibility to heal everyone you meet and allowing something or someone like that into your life could mean a LT or heart-ache for the both of you, if not only you.

[Babolat]

Title should read: Is it possible to help a girl you're dating heal?

 

So I'm dating this girl at the moment, and she confided in me that her past two relationships had had a massive impact on her. She still has trust issues and, although she doesn't like those guys anymore, she is still affected by the hurt she felt. As a result, she has told me that talking about her exes is not something she can only do just once and leave it at that. She would like to open up about them and talk about how they impacted her.

 

I'm not sure whether it is a good idea to be in a relationship with her... We're just dating at the moment. What do you think?

 

You cannot be her therapist. Woman tell me "We can grow together". Yeah, I get that, but when there are serious, at the core, issues they need to deal with, not sure I agree.

 

She is half way there as she is self-aware. I would not get too emotionally involved with this one...been there, done that, got the tshirt.

[RavenWolf]

Yes you can treat her how she was never treated <3

 

make sure she's completely done with her ex tho

 

This. She needs to be over her exes and needs to be treated like a lady should be treated.

 

I have been hurt horribly in all my relationships but one, and I am over all my exes. I don't want my next man to be my therapist. I want him to be my best friend and my last love.

[counterman]

Things were going so well before all this happened. She said these guys (i.e. her exes) were important to her and that they changed who she is as a person. She doesn't trust me enough but wants to open up to me. I can tell you she's hurt.

 

I know what type of guy I am, I can definitely treat her much much better than her exes ever did. I think it's a bit unfair on me, to be honest, and it seems she hasn't dealt with heartbreak before. Who would want to talk about their exes? I'm completely over my ex and even though she has lead me to become the person I am today, I don't want to talk about her at all. She wants to keep talking about them whenever and wherever she wants.

 

We were in relationship not too long ago. But we decided to just casual date again. I felt uneasy with the idea of her sharing all this and that sort of made her upset and less trusting of me, so she wants to gauge whether I can actually be her boyfriend. I've told her I cared for her and that I want to help her heal. But this seems even beyond me.

 

I don't know what to do. Should I even keep seeing her casually? Should I be dating other girls at the same time?

[harrybrown]

Tell her to go see an IC. The counselor can help her deal with the pain and how to move forward.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think it's possible to date somebody while they heal themselves, but you can't really do anything to help her along and you have to decide whether you're happy to have your budding relationship marred by the fact that she's still recovering from her breakups.

 

I had a nasty breakup last year, nearly a year ago exactly. I'm over the guy, completely, we have no contact and I would never take him back. But I think it's safe to say that even now I think I'm still healing from the pain he inflicted upon me. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever been through and as it was wrapped up with a whole load of other changes (losing my flat, some family, other stuff) it really triggered my entire life changing in an instant. I would be naive to think that I am already completely over something so painful. It's like a bereavement in a way, with some breakups you never really 'get over' it, you just grow around the pain and move on. But the reverberations might still be there for years to come.

 

I've been dating my new boyfriend for three months and he knows I got hurt before, and how bad it was, but I'd never talk to him about getting over my ex, because I am over him. He knows the extent because I explained when we first discussed our histories, how the breakup was out of the blue and followed my mother dying and me being in really poor health for many months, and how it caused me to become essentially homeless for a month, to lose family relationships I had come to rely on after my poor mum died. I can't imagine how weird it would be to talk to my boyfriend about still getting over my ex though, because I'm over him. And it's not something somebody wants to hear.

 

I did a hell of a lot of healing after the breakup, got it all out of my system, turned my life around and clawed my way back to normality, and slowly started to feel better... so really now it's just the odd fleeting pang when something reminds me of him or what happened. But every day that my boyfriend treats me well, tells me how he feels about me, or shows me bit by bit that he isn't necessarily going to randomly dump me like my ex did, I fall for him a little bit more. I'd never been broken up with before and it was so out of the blue it really has given me trust issues. I don't mistrust my boyfriend or his actions, I just find it hard to imagine that any relationship can be long term anymore, when somebody can have this entire hidden part of them that is just waiting to leave you without any warning. I know it is very early days and most relationships end so I don't really stress it but it is difficult sometimes, having that doubt in the back of my mind.

 

Is she worth it, and are you willing to give her time and space, I guess is the question. Most people will understandably say no. I don't necessarily think it's the death knell. It certainly makes things harder though and may be too much to handle, depending on your own issues and baggage.

[CherryT]

As someone who was in a terrible LTR in the past, I can say that you can support her, but you can't help heal her. When I was in a terrible LTR and when we finally broke up, it took me a long time to figure it out for myself.

 

There was no excuse for the way he acted, but I had to recognize how I could allow someone to do the things he did to me for so long. I always felt that I was confident and had really high standards for the kind of people I wanted in my life... it wasn't until we broke up that I realized that I let my own self worth and identity slip. I spent several years focusing on myself and regaining who I was... he really knocked me off my pace and I had to get back on track. I couldn't get over how he treated me easily. My ex was everything short of being physically abusive - though he even came close to that once or twice. He treated me horribly and even if I didn't want to admit it at the time, he really wore down my self confidence and esteem.

 

I tried to date even months/a year after the relationship ended but I couldn't make a connection. I was severely guarded and I just wasn't ready. Although I was completely over my ex, I wasn't over what the relationship had done to me. I tried, but there was always something wrong with every single guy I met and I would end it before it even started. None of them could've "helped me heal". I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that ended after he crossed the line and cheated. I was over him instantly, but the relationship left me broken. I never was the type of person to stick around someone who treated me badly and here I was... leaving a man that I was in a relationship with for years who treated me like sh*t. Who I am and who I thought I was were completely different. I needed to regain myself again and you can only do that by working on yourself.

 

Fast forward a few years and I am who I want to be again. Who I am proud to be. Everything in my life was starting to come together... I focused on my own happiness, my career, goals I wanted to achieve personally (I bought 2 properties by the time I was 25) - I was extremely happy. Then I met my fiance. I honestly think that if I met my fiance when I didn't work on myself, independently, I would not recognize the amazing man he is and how blessed I am to have him.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Although I was completely over my ex, I wasn't over what the relationship had done to me.

 

That's a really good way of putting it, and a lot more concisely than anything I could have said too.

 

But CherryT's very right too... if you try and get together before she's had that chance to really work it out for herself you're probably going to set yourselves up for failure. There are no easy answers, just a judgement you both have to make about whether she is ready to give herself to another relationship yet or not.

[Philosoraptor]

We were in relationship not too long ago. But we decided to just casual date again. I felt uneasy with the idea of her sharing all this and that sort of made her upset and less trusting of me, so she wants to gauge whether I can actually be her boyfriend. I've told her I cared for her and that I want to help her heal. But this seems even beyond me.

 

I don't know what to do. Should I even keep seeing her casually? Should I be dating other girls at the same time?

That's a problem. She needs to gauge whether or not you're good enough for this task? Seems like she's shifting the issue onto you and still not taking her not being over her past as an issue.

 

You'll do what you want to do, but if it were me I'd stop seeing her as more than a friend as she has only confirmed that you are being punished for crimes her ex's committed.

[phineas]

I've been there.

I've told them nicely to contact me when they are ready to date & over their ex.

 

Then cut contact.

 

I can't & won't deal with someone who has trust / insecurity issues.

 

I'm a trust worthy guy.

Anyone who spends any time with me can clearly see this.

 

I will not invest time & energy into a woman who refuses to see this because she isn't over her last 2?!?!? breakups?

 

Been there, done that, spent a week scrubbing the "CHUMP" stamp off my forehead after she jumped into bed with one of those ex's who hurt her so badly.

[counterman]

Ok, well, I spoke to her yesterday for a long time. She explained to me about everything and there will probably be more to discuss. She says that there's rare occasions where she would see something that triggers a memory of her ex and she said she needs to be able to share that with me. She says that what her ex did to her caused her immense hurt and that she finds it hard to trust. Something that bothered me was that she said "the couple of months before she cheated was fine. I had so much fun and I don't want to forget that" - which makes me think she is holding onto the good times as well as the bad times. For me, personally, if someone ever cheated on me, I couldn't care less about whatever fun I have had in the past with them. Anyways, she decided that we should be in a relationships and I told her if she ever wanted to go back to casually dating again, I would leave her straight away and that I was dead serious about it.

 

I am a trustworthy guy. Never cheated with anyone and never will. I'm sure she was in love with this ex of hers and I'm worried that she will never love me because of this.

 

phineas, that story bothers me because I've heard it from others as well. I sort of get the feeling that if this guy ever comes back into the picture, no matter what how bad he treated her in the past, she would still consider taking him back. It's so messed up but someone who wants to hold onto the "fun" times when they've been cheated on says a lot about their mental state.

 

Anyways, I told her I'm committed but if our relationship suffers too much cause of this. I'm walking away for good.

[acrosstheuniverse]

phineas, that story bothers me because I've heard it from others as well. I sort of get the feeling that if this guy ever comes back into the picture, no matter what how bad he treated her in the past, she would still consider taking him back. It's so messed up but someone who wants to hold onto the "fun" times when they've been cheated on says a lot about their mental state.

 

You're right to be wary, but I guess I can see it from the other side too. My ex hurt me immensely too, he left me when I thought things were amazing between us, and it was the catalyst for several other serious things going wrong in my life. I wouldn't say I 'hold on' to the good times (and I definitely wouldn't tell a new partner that!?) but I don't try and blank them out like I used to. I accept that we had some great times and I can remember a holiday we went on together fondly, without the memory featuring him at all.

 

If he came back I wouldn't even give him the time of day. When somebody has hurt me that badly, there is no room for them in my life anymore, as a friend or a partner. The fact that he could inflict so much pain upon me says that I could never trust him again.

 

I just hope your new girlfriend is of the same mindset as me in that regard...

 

Have to say it's a bit weird though that she wants to be able to talk to you about a place making her sad because it triggers a memory of her ex... really weird. I'm sure she has friends she can go to about that stuff? What's gonna kill a new relationship faster than your partner confiding in you that they feel upset because they've just been reminded of their ex...?

 

I am in a new (3month) relationship and ended up having a cry today to my boyfriend (first time) because I felt so low and crushed. The last break up I had featured in my reasons, but only as part of the bigger picture (it was more about the changing of the seasons and the weather getting cold reminding me of losing my mum a couple years back and how I missed her, which then turned into me confessing that sometimes (maybe every... 6 months or so?) I go through a low period of a few days where I feel like over the past two years I've lost nearly everybody I love either through death or being cut out. My mum, my brother, my nephews, my ex, his family. It doesn't mean I miss my ex or want him back, or that I still love him, just that what happened with us contributed to a larger sense of loss that has been a real challenge to deal with. I was (probably still am) terrified that telling him that would turn him off me, too much to deal with, too heavy for such a new relationship etc. but I just couldn't stop myself from crying and it all came out. At the same time I'm glad I could be honest with him about something difficult for me and recognise that if that discussion was enough to put him off he'd have dumped me at some stage when things got rough anyway.

 

So I don't know. It's nice to feel like you can talk to your partner about your bad feelings, whatever they're about. If your gf is constantly bringing up how down she is about her ex though, I'd say she's not over him at all and you don't have much of a chance. Then maybe you will feel you have to end things and her next bf it'll be 'I'm still so hurt by my past 3 breakups'!

Edited September 19, 2013 by acrosstheuniverse