cushing68 Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Hi everyone. I'm new here and need a little advice. I'm 35 and shes 26. We were friends for about a year. Good close friends. At the time, we were both dating other people then we both became single and decided to give it a shot together. Everything was going great for 3-months exactly. Then, I started seeing less and less of her. Shes in college and I know it can take up alot of time with homework and things. I was very supportive of this. Hell, I even paid off her student loan from a different school so she could go to another school. I also paid for her first month at the new school. She has a back condition that wont allow her to work much so I helped out. Like I said, everything was great between us. She would bring up living together, marriage, etc. We were even trying to get pregnant but turns out she cant have kids. We had'nt seen each other for 2-3 days so she invited me over to spend the night. I asked her about our not seeing each other much lately and an arguement started. She told me to leave and she even got literally pushy and shoved me out of her apartment. I saw her at a bar that my band plays at a couple days later. We talked nicely. Both of us were drunk and flirty with each other. Her friend told me that she still loved me. The next day, I went over to pick up some clothes and things I kept over there. I asked her if we could talk about things later in the week and she said it was pointless. That "nobody talks to her that way" but she did admit that she still loves me but that it did'nt matter. I was loud, yes, when we had that arguement but never was I insulting. Now it's 10 days since she dumped me and I'm wondering what to do if anything. I am thinking about going to her place later on tonight and leaving a rose and a card that says "Thinking of you" on her car so she will find it in the morning. Any advice would be great.
Author cushing68 Posted November 21, 2004 Author Posted November 21, 2004 Also, I am letting her use my furniture till I move out of my roomies apartment. Help.
Merin Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Well.. I'm not really certain what her reason(s) were/are for the break up.. Just from what you've said in your thread.. I would get the feeling that she had been "looking" for a reason to end things for awhile and grabbed what she could so she could feel justified.. At this point, IF that really was her intention.. then leaving anything for her isn't going to make much of a difference.. I dunno... IMO when you Love someone.. REALLY Love them then then unless they are abusive in anyway or just generally toxic.. you would work out an argument not end the relationship. Good Luck
SoleMate Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Yes, this breakup doesn't make sense. In fact, even the relationship doesn't make much sense to me. Let's review it... * You both were on the rebound when you got together * You were together for 3 months * You paid substantial expenses for her * She mentioned wanting a future * You both tried for a pregnancy * Her actions indicate that she is either unable or unwilling to have a future with you (as Merin says, a committed couple would not break up just because one person questioned the other one's use of time) You moved too fast on the pregnancy idea, and on paying her expenses. I always worry when I see that one party has substantially funded the other one...because it can be very hard to know whether it's "true love" or just "paying the bills the only way he/she knows how", i.e. by gifts from a supposed SO. Idle talk about the future means very little. At best, it's merely thinking out loud about a possible option. At worst, it could be a deliberate attempt to make you think that there was going to be a future when in fact there was not. You can do the rose/card thing if you want, but I question why you even want to resuscitate a relationship that may not ever even have truly existed. You both are too old (especially you) for this kind of high school drama. "Her friend told me that she still loved me."??? Give me a break. An adult woman would be able to tell you, or better yet show you, her feelings herself.
Author cushing68 Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 I guess you guys are both right. I thought that the whole baby thing and her talking about marriage was a bit too fast. The reason for the baby thing was that we were both excited when she was late once. As for the money thing, I cant say for sure but I don't think she was just trying to get money from me. I would always offer to help out when I could and she would be kind of reluctant to take it. But, yes, it was a very intense relationship. There was a point when she would not leave me alone for a second. I mean, I was beginning to feel smothered a little. The more I think about doing the whole card thing, the less I really want to do it, this soon, anyway. She dumped me and said that she is sure she will regret it for awhile. I'm confused but I've been down this road before. It's nothing new. The thing that sucks is that we both have the same friends and hang at the same places. I am in a rock band that plays out almost every weekend and I know that we will run into each other alot. As far as the furniture goes, I am planning on moving into my own place in a couple of monthe. I told her she could use it till then. She lives with her sister and her sisters 3 month old. They are on welfare. I just felt like I should keep my promise and let her use it till I need it. If leaving me was a good move in her eyes, I guarantee shes gonna miss me. Any more advice?
Merin Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Don't contact her.. go on about your life. This helps two ways.. it allows you to take a step away from what was and start to feel better AND IF she is going to miss you.. then it gives her the time,distance and seperation to do so.
Author cushing68 Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 So, you're saying I should not send her a card or call her?
Merin Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by cushing68 So, you're saying I should not send her a card or call her? Thats what I'm saying.
theone44 Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by cushing68 Hi everyone. I'm new here and need a little advice. I'm 35 and shes 26. We were friends for about a year. Good close friends. At the time, we were both dating other people then we both became single and decided to give it a shot together. Everything was going great for 3-months exactly. Then, I started seeing less and less of her. Shes in college and I know it can take up alot of time with homework and things. I was very supportive of this. Hell, I even paid off her student loan from a different school so she could go to another school. I also paid for her first month at the new school. She has a back condition that wont allow her to work much so I helped out. Like I said, everything was great between us. She would bring up living together, marriage, etc. We were even trying to get pregnant but turns out she cant have kids. We had'nt seen each other for 2-3 days so she invited me over to spend the night. I asked her about our not seeing each other much lately and an arguement started. She told me to leave and she even got literally pushy and shoved me out of her apartment. I saw her at a bar that my band plays at a couple days later. We talked nicely. Both of us were drunk and flirty with each other. Her friend told me that she still loved me. The next day, I went over to pick up some clothes and things I kept over there. I asked her if we could talk about things later in the week and she said it was pointless. That "nobody talks to her that way" but she did admit that she still loves me but that it did'nt matter. I was loud, yes, when we had that arguement but never was I insulting. Now it's 10 days since she dumped me and I'm wondering what to do if anything. I am thinking about going to her place later on tonight and leaving a rose and a card that says "Thinking of you" on her car so she will find it in the morning. Any advice would be great. Don't go by her house or leave her a rose,it would make you look weak,pathectic and wearing your heart on your sleaves. When a woman break up with you never do any type of glovering,beacuse that don't make you look strong. Just leave her alone and let her come back to you. Maybe she didn't want to mess-up the great friend-ship you two had.......
theone44 Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by cushing68 I guess you guys are both right. I thought that the whole baby thing and her talking about marriage was a bit too fast. The reason for the baby thing was that we were both excited when she was late once. As for the money thing, I cant say for sure but I don't think she was just trying to get money from me. I would always offer to help out when I could and she would be kind of reluctant to take it. But, yes, it was a very intense relationship. There was a point when she would not leave me alone for a second. I mean, I was beginning to feel smothered a little. The more I think about doing the whole card thing, the less I really want to do it, this soon, anyway. She dumped me and said that she is sure she will regret it for awhile. I'm confused but I've been down this road before. It's nothing new. The thing that sucks is that we both have the same friends and hang at the same places. I am in a rock band that plays out almost every weekend and I know that we will run into each other alot. As far as the furniture goes, I am planning on moving into my own place in a couple of monthe. I told her she could use it till then. She lives with her sister and her sisters 3 month old. They are on welfare. I just felt like I should keep my promise and let her use it till I need it. If leaving me was a good move in her eyes, I guarantee shes gonna miss me. Any more advice? When dating a woman keep your money in your pocket with a lock on it. If she not dissing out any cash....neither shall you and don't do more than what the other person aren't doing. I been there and done that. Some people just don't know how to handle when a man or women is good to them.....
theone44 Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by cushing68 So, you're saying I should not send her a card or call her? Listen to Merlin........
Author cushing68 Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Thanks for the advice all. Its hard not to contact her though. But, I'll use your advice and just live my life.
katty Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 This is just my thoughts on the card and rose from my own past experience. I had a guy similar to you that I dated right after I got out of a 7 year r/s and I did think I loved him and when the fog started to lift from my past r/s I realized that I didn't . It was heartbreaking especially to him and I still regret putting him thru that. He was a good friend before we dated and we are once again good friends but he did what you are thinking about doing. He did send the flowers and he wrote the sweetest letter and put it in a card to me. It was very thoughtful but at that period of time it just made me feel worse for what I had put him thru and it caused me to avoid him even more. I am ashamed that I did this to him but it would have been much worse later on. Today I know he appreciates my honesty. I would suggest you lay low and avoid her b/c you are not the one that needs to come with the rose and card. I believe it is her turn to miss and appreciate all those wonderful things that you did for her and to bring you the rose and the card. Stay strong. Were all here for you no matter what you choose to do. Kat
missopinionated Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 So, because you both had nothing better to do, you decide to hang out and then three months -- THREE MONTHS later-- you decide you should have a baby??? Are you quite serious that you want to have a baby when you have no relationship to bring it in to?? Why are people dumb. NO, you should not try and get back together. That was not a relationship; that was a crime of opportunity. Relationships develop over time and they involve two THINKING people who plan their lives rather than making stupid, impulsive choices. I presume that while you two were living a completely irresponsible life, you were working on your educations/jobs so that you'd both be able to support a child and two residences (because there's nothing like lack of sleep and a baby screaming for hours to make your quasi relationship really easy)? NO NO NO.
daphne Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 I have a completely different take on this. I think you are downplaying the role of that argument in your breakup, but she's clearly not. At around the 3 month mark when the relationship is too intense, one or both parties wants to breathe a little and back off to reaffirm their identities. I just saw this happen with a friend of mine and his girlfriend at 3 months. THey broke up as well. But they didn't have an argument. I think you need to ask yourself how you handled that argument, whether you fight fairly or not. If you hadn't had much conflict prior to that and you blew up, chances are you scared her off. This has happened to me. All of a sudden prince charming turns into a bitch on a power trip. Conflict resolution is one of the key reasons relationships fail. And communication is a huge part of that resolution. Do yourself a favor and look at it honestly and figure out how to do that better. We ALL need improvement in that area.
theone44 Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by daphne I have a completely different take on this. I think you are downplaying the role of that argument in your breakup, but she's clearly not. At around the 3 month mark when the relationship is too intense, one or both parties wants to breathe a little and back off to reaffirm their identities. I just saw this happen with a friend of mine and his girlfriend at 3 months. THey broke up as well. But they didn't have an argument. I think you need to ask yourself how you handled that argument, whether you fight fairly or not. If you hadn't had much conflict prior to that and you blew up, chances are you scared her off. This has happened to me. All of a sudden prince charming turns into a bitch on a power trip. Conflict resolution is one of the key reasons relationships fail. And communication is a huge part of that resolution. Do yourself a favor and look at it honestly and figure out how to do that better. We ALL need improvement in that area. I do agree with you on that one Daphne. That what happen with with me and my gf. I never got anger with her before,but a couple time i did in the end and i think that what scare her off from me,but i thank God that i handle the break-up in a positive matter,cause i wasn't nasty toward her when she broke up with me,so i feel good about that. I am learning from this break-up greatly and what area to work on now.
daphne Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 I'm glad you're open to it. Seems like a lot of guys aren't. It is extremely difficult to go from intense emotions and intimacy to negative emotions. Too much for that kind of intensity. I always suggest now that people SLOW IT DOWN so it doesn't get so intense so they can properly deal with these situations as they come up. You can learn little by little how to negotiate the terrain, figure out the boundaries of the other before something cataclysmic (really it usually never is but due to the intensity it feels like it) occurs, get to REALLY KNOW THE PERSON and build a strong foundation of trust. Intense relationships are anything but secure, I think you know that. You have a lot of emotions invested with someone you haven't set the boundaries with and I see a lot of them blow up this way. It's a good thing that the breakup wasn't bad. Hopefully she'll settle down and look at the whole picture (assuming that you were good for each other) and you may get a chance to let her know what you've learned. Pick up a book about it. It ain't rocket science. Basically, you have to be nice to your partner and cool down if your'e too angry to talk. good luck
Author cushing68 Posted November 24, 2004 Author Posted November 24, 2004 Daphne, actually she did tell me she was scared of things getting outta hand and she did'nt want to be dissrespected in her own home. I guess when I raised my voice (for the first time) she got really defensive and gave me the boot. Should I continue the NC thing?
Author cushing68 Posted November 24, 2004 Author Posted November 24, 2004 Also, the next time I saw her to get my stuff we talked very calmly. Our breakup was'nt a huge production like the arguement was. Thank God.
theone44 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Originally posted by theone44 I do agree with you on that one Daphne. That what happen with with me and my gf. I never got anger with her before,but a couple time i did in the end and i think that what scare her off from me,but i thank God that i handle the break-up in a positive matter,cause i wasn't nasty toward her when she broke up with me,so i feel good about that. I am learning from this break-up greatly and what area to work on now. thank you and i'm already reading books on relationship and i learn a lot from them. Wel we been broken-up now for 5 months now,but did get a 4 call from her with no messages,so i return the first call and she said that she call my number by mistake,but my friends said other-wise,but didn't return the other three.....well if she want talk then i will leave it up to her. Also want to let her know that i have no anger or anomosity toward her.
daphne Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 cushing, I think you should let things cool down a bit and wait and see. Give it at least a month to see if you hear from her and if you still want to talk to her, then you can start from there. Time does help a lot in conflict. theone, (apparently I got you two confused for a minute) no one calls 4 times by accident. Sounds like she doesn't have the courage to talk to you. Have you ever picked up when she calls? that might throw her for a loop. I think you're right. When she's ready she'll call. Especially since it doesn't sound like she's particularly warm to you calling just yet. Again, that time thing comes in handy. best of luck guys.
Author cushing68 Posted November 24, 2004 Author Posted November 24, 2004 Just curious here. Do most of the posters here live in Europe? Maybe traditions and dating views are different from that of the U.S.?
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Honestly, it sounds like she's 26 going on 16, in that she seems like she's a very immature 26. With you being 35, I'm not sure if you two are even close to each other on the maturity scale. She might be playing a lot of games with you. If you're okay with games, then go for it, otherwise you might just be gambling by being involved with her. The age issue aside...give it another week and see where things stand. I'm thinking that by then she will probably have come to you, in which case you can decide if this is the best thing for you or not. My biological clock is ticking pretty loudly, but I think I'd run pretty fast from anyone who started talking about having a baby after only 3 months.
Author cushing68 Posted November 24, 2004 Author Posted November 24, 2004 Thanks Jen. I know. Three months is pretty quick. I am 35 and have no kids and when we talked about it, I got really excited and looked forward to it. Now, when you say give it another week and see what happens, do you mean only if she contacts me? Or, do you mean wait another week to see how I feel and then contact her with a call or a simple card on her car or something else?
theone44 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Originally posted by daphne I'm glad you're open to it. Seems like a lot of guys aren't. It is extremely difficult to go from intense emotions and intimacy to negative emotions. Too much for that kind of intensity. I always suggest now that people SLOW IT DOWN so it doesn't get so intense so they can properly deal with these situations as they come up. You can learn little by little how to negotiate the terrain, figure out the boundaries of the other before something cataclysmic (really it usually never is but due to the intensity it feels like it) occurs, get to REALLY KNOW THE PERSON and build a strong foundation of trust. Intense relationships are anything but secure, I think you know that. You have a lot of emotions invested with someone you haven't set the boundaries with and I see a lot of them blow up this way. It's a good thing that the breakup wasn't bad. Hopefully she'll settle down and look at the whole picture (assuming that you were good for each other) and you may get a chance to let her know what you've learned. Pick up a book about it. It ain't rocket science. Basically, you have to be nice to your partner and cool down if your'e too angry to talk. good luck Now i am wondering,if i should i sent her an e-card wishing her "Happy Thankgiving" most people on here said i should continue with no contact...
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