Candace325 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I'm a single mom of a toddler who is just starting to date again after taking a year post break-up to focus on myself and my son. I met a really wonderful guy online in July and we chatted online and texted for a good 6 weeks before meeting. He had asked me out prior to that but I was nervous to take the next step initially and subsequently couldn't find childcare. We had a great first date at an art museum, there was no awkwardness, definite chemistry and attraction. Then I started realize that he has a really full life already and I'm not so sure there's room in his life for a relationship. It took a week and a half for him to have an evening free for us to go out again, and that was a week night. His weekends are booked for the next two months - no joke. He said initially that he liked to go out with his friends "occasionally" but now I'm finding out that he has tickets for concerts with his buds every weekend plus takes on all kinds of activities during week nights and the weekend days. The second date was even better than the first, and he's talking all the time about making plans again but can't say when because he's so busy. This is new for me because in my past I've had two serious relationships which had me and my amour living together pretty much instantly (first guy was my roommate first and we were together 8 years, second guy was a friend I let stay with me while he was getting back on his feet and we ended up together for 2 years). I have dated other guys but only casually, I do have a history of always trying to move things along waaaay too fast however. I don't know what a healthy pace is and what to expect. Should I just take a step back and see what happens? We have only been out twice. At what point is it appropriate to tell him I need more of his time? I'm really overthinking things and I feel like I'm looking for faults, this overly busy situation being my big issue. Still, I'm not talking about wanting to see him even every other day, just maybe once or twice a week. We do have some form of communication nearly every day and I make a point of letting him initiate contact with me. I am plenty busy without a relationship, but this guy is on my mind all the time right now. It's clearly driving me insane. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candace325 Posted September 16, 2013 Author Share Posted September 16, 2013 I agree, which is why I'm so frustrated. He talks about taking me salsa dancing, and having a movie night, taking me to different restaurants he loves, blah blah blah. But it just seems to be empty words. I feel like maybe we're in different places in our lives right now. He's younger than I am, no kids, enjoying the single life and I'm beyond that. I use to go out a lot too when I was his age and single without a child. Now I'm very family focused. Still, the question remains, do I just step back and see what happens? At what point can I talk to him about maybe skipping a few shows in favor of a date night? I feel like some guys are oblivious to what women would like from them so I don't want to walk away without having that discussion. I mean the worst thing he can say is that he's more interested in seeing the shows with his friends than spending time with me, to which I'd say ok, have fun - buh-bye now. I just don't want to broach that topic prematurely because he is an awesome guy that I'd like to potentially have a relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 you communicate every day in some form or another. i think once a week is a good start.....if you have habit of moving too fast ...that is why you are feeling unsure.....this isnt what you are really used to ...when you are in a new relationship which to me you aren't there yet, you are only dating......even with dating there's an adapting process.....where you take into account two lives that are separate come together..so you have to adapt time and so does he, so you fit together.....that takes time in itself..so compromise understanding and a bit of give and take relaxing into it...you have a child to consider so some days and many nights may not be suitable for you but if you both truly care for each other, you know what? it will work out and you will find the time as will he...because you look forward to spending that time together .....smilin atcha....best wishes...happy dating ...deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunshine87 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 (edited) Yes take a step back. If this causes a pull towards you, then politely explain the situation to him. I think men react more to actions and not words. I don't think you should bring up the topic in discussion yet. Lots of young men are scared to lose thier "freedom" or "independence" so I wouldn't advise you to do anything that might make him run for the hills- especially as he is younger and not as mature as you. "Talks" in early dating stages should be treated cautiously. Take a step back and in the process revaluate exactly what you want from this guy. Can he give you the stability you need? Think about YOUR wants and needs and whether or not you think he can fulfil them. Taking a step back will also help you detach a bit. That way, if he is observant or serious enough about you, he will notice and make enquiries -opening up room for discussion in a natural and NOT premature way. If he doesnt reach out to you after you take a step back, then maybe he might be more interested in having some company eg a texting buddy or whatever as opposed to pursuing a real relationship that breaks the boundaries of electronic communication. You can't have a meaningful relationship via texting everyday. So it might be be best to cut him loose if this is all he can offer. Worst to postpone the inevitable. Edited September 16, 2013 by Sunshine87 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 You should absolutely not bother with guys who are like this. Guys like this one are not that into you or that interested in you; if they were, they would not wait more than a week to see you, and they would take you ALONG to their weekend "events". If a guy is truly interested in a girl, he will do whatever it takes to see her regularly. Please date others and assume this guy is not a prospect. Only bother with him if he steps things up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 And I need to see a guy I really like at least once every week for the first 3 weeks or so... Then I need more, the more I get to like him. So yeah, once a week is fine until it gets more serious. Then I want more. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 In the past, I have been like you moving way too fast in relationships. Now that's not so much an option as I am really, really busy. It's different. Part of me wants to move at that fast pace because that's what I'm used to, but another part of me, the wiser more mature part, says that taking things slow is probably best. At this point, I don't think you should straight out ask him for more time or suggest he cancel any prior scheduled plans. You've only gone on two dates with him so far and things are very new. How about instead you ask him out on a date and see how he responds? If he declines because of xyz just say that, that's disappointing as you'd like to see him again soon. In that way you could bring it up without making a big deal out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
SubliminalSessions Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 You should absolutely not bother with guys who are like this. Guys like this one are not that into you or that interested in you; if they were, they would not wait more than a week to see you, and they would take you ALONG to their weekend "events". I agree...There's a guy who wants to do all the texting here and there. Yet, I haven't seen him in a good 2-3 weeks. It's really not a big issue because I didn't think he was all that much attractive...but it's annoying he's texting me but not asking me out...and HE intiated/pursued all of this! He makes it seems like he's just so busy with work, yadda yadda. Pulease. Nobody is that busy. When people start making excuses about how busy they are to see you, move on. Tell them to start giving you a reason to text, and then stop communicating with them. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 It is weird that he's "booked" for two months. A little too social for me. I think you should tread carefully with him. You need to be seeing others in the meantime and not putting all your eggs in one basket. Maybe you guys just aren't a good fit. Only time will tell. He may not be ready for a steady relationship, since he's respectful and you like him I'd date him when the opportunity permitted but you need to still be looking for a guy that may suit you better. After 2 months or so and he's still all talk then I'd ask about the schedule or drop him. Don't get too caught up right now so far he's showing you a lot of talk and no ACTION! Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 At what point can I talk to him about maybe skipping a few shows in favor of a date night? NEVER. He's telling you he's booked for a reason. That reason is because your value as a date isn't high enough for weekend currency. In general that could change but not in two weeks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I'd say you should give it at least a month of just observing his behavior and interest in you, before you talk to him about it. If he is happy seeing you only once every ten days or so, which means you only see each other 3 times per month, then he does not seem to be very interested in you. However, when I start dating someone new I make sure that we don't see each other more than once per week in the beginning in order not to get too attached too quickly. He may also be dating other women and I absolutely think you should date other men as well. Or at least talk to them online. I believe the first few dates are just for getting to know each other and figuring out whether you want to see that person more and/or exclusively. I think it is good to take it slow in the beginning and not jump into something serious too quickly. You probably don't know him very well after only two dates. Better to give it more time to get to know him and determine if he is someone you want to spend more time with and maybe start a relationship with. Don't keep your weekends free in hope that he will ask you out (he seems to be busy on weekends anyway). Make plans with other people and let him try to set dates with you. If you guys have been on 4-6 dates and he does not seem to increase the pace of dates I think it would be time for you to bring up the fact that you want to see him more often. But give yourself at least a few weeks or dates before you bring it up. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 It is rare for someone to be too busy to see a person they really like or are interested in. I work 70 hours a week across a full time MA placement, a 25hr/week part time evening/weekend job, do voluntary work, maintain a semblance of a social life, study and still manage to find time to see my boyfriend a few times a week. It's all about priorities. If he's into you, I promise he will find the time to hang out with you. Don't ask him. Don't talk about his schedule. Be busy, and date other people, because this one is going nowhere fast. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candace325 Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 Wow! It's been really enlightening to read all of your feedback. I am taking a step back and seeing what happens. I'm really glad I decided to post here because it has forced me to take off the rose colored glasses. This guy is a great option for a friend, not a boyfriend. At least for the time being. I do think that the age gap is an issue, or at least the stages we are in in life. He's 26, I'm 32 - 6 years isn't a lot, but in this case he's stuck in bachelor mode. There are definitely plenty of emotionally mature 26 year old men, this doesn't appear to be one of them. A few other interesting bits of info, I found out he was previously in a long term long distance relationship where he and his gf only saw each other 2x a year. Maybe this is why he doesn't care if he sees me (or any girl he dates) often? He's just not use to it? He hasn't signed into the dating site since we have been talking. He does disclose to me what his agenda consists of for the day. He says if he's going to a club with his friends, or whatever. And he always put a post or photo on facebook of the event which his friends like and comment to corroborate. I have kept fairly close tabs on his facebook to see if other women are liking or commenting his updates and there's nothing. If he's seeing someone else she's not on facebook. (I sound like such a stalker by admitting that!! ) Lastly, I was in kind of a no-nonsense mood this morning and managed to steer the conversation to him always being busy, but in a very casual, sneaky way. He said he's got a lot planned out for October but after that he will be more available. So, I'm not going to hold out too much hope that he's interested in more than friendship but I guess I will find out in due time if I can be patient enough. And right now my 2 year old has my patients wore very very thin. Also, I am talk to other guys and have been asked out by one of them. He is actually older, which is not my normal, and has teenage kids which live with him so he's family oriented. Now I just have to find a baby sitter.... I will update this post in the coming weeks to let everyone know how it unfolds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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