miss_jaclynrae Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 For those of you who were together IRL before entering an LDR, what was the longest you went without seeing one another? I am having a rough night thinking about the fact that we have 8 more months of this. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 One year. And it didn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I'm curious why this question is directed only at people who started their relationships IRL. Kiwi man and I have been LD for four years now. Although we originally met online, we have lived together for almost a year in total (visits usually being a month long - current visit two months). I'm pretty sure this is longer than the average RL relationship actually survives, so I'll answer your question in case it helps. Our longest time apart was 11 months - and it wasn't fun! His ex had just wiped him out financially and we could barely afford the cost of every day contact, never mind overseas trips to spend time together. We argued a lot and we even considered calling it quits, but our bond is incredibly strong and we got through it because we both wanted to. I've put that last phrase in bold because it's so important. If both you and your boyfriend want to make this work - in equal measure - then you will. We are on the home stretch of our LDR now, and we should be permanently together in six months or so, but the exact timing is still not certain. If we knew for definite that we had eight months until 'The End' we'd both be grinning from ear to ear! Eight months is nothing if you measure it against the rest of your life together. Make the most of the time you have while you're apart to do other things and you'll be together again before you know it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Steven33 Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Hi there, my Girlfriend and I have been together for about 3 years and 7months, lived together for almost 2years and she left 2months ago to go work on a cruise line for 9months, will be back in March 2014...really hard, fight a lot.. We don't do long distance very well, and things have come up in the 2months that she has been away that makes me wonder if I can trust her....hardest thing I have ever done....just wish time would pass.... Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 8 months is nothing, not when you'll be together forever at the end of it. Please try and be appreciative of what you have, my 3 1/2 year relationship is dying/ending because I can't cope with having no end in sight. If me and him were moving closer within 2 or 3 years I would be so so happy, 8 months would make me cry with relief and joy. We didn't live together previously, it's always been LD, but meet every other month. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 The longest we went without seeing each other was 4 months, as we'd split up for a few days and took a while to get back on track. Normally it's between 5-10 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Got nothing to add that compares to reported data. 10 days but I planned my finances and work schedule to be certain and that's factoring willingness to travel by both parties. It worked splendidly for 13 months. My 13 month job ended at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Yikes, I just can't see how you brave people do it! But, alas, here I am, in the middle of a very fresh LDR! Doing something that I told myself that I would never consider...oh, well. My time away from my SO WILL NOT BE MORE THAN A MONTH. I visit her every month for at least a weekend. Our goal is to be together permanently within a year. Sheesh...I really hope I am as strong as many of you. Just being a month away is tough. Good luck all! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 The longest you went was 10 days without seeing each other?! How did you cope Or you went 13 months without seeing each other? Got nothing to add that compares to reported data. 10 days but I planned my finances and work schedule to be certain and that's factoring willingness to travel by both parties. It worked splendidly for 13 months. My 13 month job ended at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Good luck, it sounds very manageable. You won't have to be that strong it's only for a year or less. Yikes, I just can't see how you brave people do it! But, alas, here I am, in the middle of a very fresh LDR! Doing something that I told myself that I would never consider...oh, well. My time away from my SO WILL NOT BE MORE THAN A MONTH. I visit her every month for at least a weekend. Our goal is to be together permanently within a year. Sheesh...I really hope I am as strong as many of you. Just being a month away is tough. Good luck all! Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 Longest for us is 7 weeks. We both try our best now to fly back and forth once a month (so we see each other ever 2-4/5 weeks). We've been doing this for almost 2 years... We'll be permanently together next year. I don't have a solid date either but it keeps me going... just knowing that the distance will eventually stop gives us strength. It's going to be tough for us in the next few months because he'll be sponsoring this snowbird to the US, but I'm excited to jump through these hoops. This time next year, our time a part will seem distant and we can finally start our lives together. Just remember that he chose to endure the LDR to be with you. When I think about how much love couples have for each other to endure the distance... it just makes me smile knowing that I have someone who loves me that much. Helps when I have a bad night or day. Link to post Share on other sites
Life'sGood Posted September 16, 2013 Share Posted September 16, 2013 I'd have to say that longest is 5 months and counting because our plan to meet this month fell through. We talk to each other for a few hours everyday so I don't really feel like we are apart. Some days, it's hard but mostly, I am used to the arrangement. It's usually easier as time goes by, just as long as you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Link to post Share on other sites
Solcita2 Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 We have been an item for almost 5 years. We lived together for almost 4 years. LDR going on now for 6 months. We have NO IDEA when we'll be able to see each other again (I moved to the opposite side of the world with a scholarship and we're both planning to move here for good eventually, but he cannot follow me yet because he's an only child and is taking care of his disabled mother). I understand why the OP asked to couples who were IRL... I think coming from a IRL is harder because of the fact that we were living together, we were part of our daily lives, you have rutines, chores, etc... so not seeing each other for weeks is, at first, unnatural... when I was at home I was not able to fall asleep until he arrived home... imagine my first weeks away! I was used to sharing everything together, and suddenly I'm living a great adventure I can't share with him... sometimes I feel guilty to enjoy something because I'm not with him... I take tons of pics but obviously that's not enough. And I miss my cats like crazy... suddenly I have nothing to pet, cuddle or care... In the other hand, he's still in the same house, with the same rutine, with our cats but without me... the other day he had to look for winter clothes and found a bag of my clothes and got really depressed... I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My previous relationship was a LDR after we met online... It was different because my daily life was not affected by his "absence". Being together was extraordinary... so being apart is not as hard. However one of the hardest part of the distance is not knowing WHEN we'll see each other again. I wish I could say I'll see him in 8 months!! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 About 6 months at a stretch. We very nearly didn't manage to make that visit happen though - would've been a year if we'd failed. Were you not going to make a visit to him? Or is that in 8 months' time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 We have been an item for almost 5 years. We lived together for almost 4 years. LDR going on now for 6 months. We have NO IDEA when we'll be able to see each other again (I moved to the opposite side of the world with a scholarship and we're both planning to move here for good eventually, but he cannot follow me yet because he's an only child and is taking care of his disabled mother). I understand why the OP asked to couples who were IRL... I think coming from a IRL is harder because of the fact that we were living together, we were part of our daily lives, you have rutines, chores, etc... so not seeing each other for weeks is, at first, unnatural... when I was at home I was not able to fall asleep until he arrived home... imagine my first weeks away! I was used to sharing everything together, and suddenly I'm living a great adventure I can't share with him... sometimes I feel guilty to enjoy something because I'm not with him... I take tons of pics but obviously that's not enough. And I miss my cats like crazy... suddenly I have nothing to pet, cuddle or care... In the other hand, he's still in the same house, with the same rutine, with our cats but without me... the other day he had to look for winter clothes and found a bag of my clothes and got really depressed... I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My previous relationship was a LDR after we met online... It was different because my daily life was not affected by his "absence". Being together was extraordinary... so being apart is not as hard. However one of the hardest part of the distance is not knowing WHEN we'll see each other again. I wish I could say I'll see him in 8 months!! This is exactly how it feels, only, he is the one away having this adventure. What you described is exactly how it is. I really hope you guys get to be together as soon as possible, I don't know how I could handle not having an end point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 About 6 months at a stretch. We very nearly didn't manage to make that visit happen though - would've been a year if we'd failed. Were you not going to make a visit to him? Or is that in 8 months' time? Hey E, I'll be making a visit, but that will be in 8 months. 6 months... even that sounds so long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 Hey E, I'll be making a visit, but that will be in 8 months. 6 months... even that sounds so long. Holy crap! I respect you and your bf. I suspect that there is a TON of goodness one feels knowing that someone is willing to go through with a LDR for you, right? I mean, I do. I truly appreciate my gf more and sometimes shake my head as to why she's doing this for ME. Actually, I did a lot to get to where we are now...a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 I agree it is bound to be harder in some ways when you've already lived together and they're away for a while, you miss everything you did together, their constant presence and sharing the same bed etc etc. However speaking as someone who lived with my last partner for 18 years who then left me, and now in LDR with current partner for 3 1/2 and only see my partner every few weeks, I would say the feeling of pain/loss is just as bad, maybe not exactly the same as I am not used to living with him, but it is as bad, the yearning to see him again and missing him presence is acute to the point of depression, if I had an end in sight then it would not be as bad. We have been an item for almost 5 years. We lived together for almost 4 years. LDR going on now for 6 months. We have NO IDEA when we'll be able to see each other again (I moved to the opposite side of the world with a scholarship and we're both planning to move here for good eventually, but he cannot follow me yet because he's an only child and is taking care of his disabled mother). I understand why the OP asked to couples who were IRL... I think coming from a IRL is harder because of the fact that we were living together, we were part of our daily lives, you have rutines, chores, etc... so not seeing each other for weeks is, at first, unnatural... when I was at home I was not able to fall asleep until he arrived home... imagine my first weeks away! I was used to sharing everything together, and suddenly I'm living a great adventure I can't share with him... sometimes I feel guilty to enjoy something because I'm not with him... I take tons of pics but obviously that's not enough. And I miss my cats like crazy... suddenly I have nothing to pet, cuddle or care... In the other hand, he's still in the same house, with the same rutine, with our cats but without me... the other day he had to look for winter clothes and found a bag of my clothes and got really depressed... I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My previous relationship was a LDR after we met online... It was different because my daily life was not affected by his "absence". Being together was extraordinary... so being apart is not as hard. However one of the hardest part of the distance is not knowing WHEN we'll see each other again. I wish I could say I'll see him in 8 months!! Link to post Share on other sites
Solcita2 Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 I agree it is bound to be harder in some ways when you've already lived together and they're away for a while, you miss everything you did together, their constant presence and sharing the same bed etc etc. However speaking as someone who lived with my last partner for 18 years who then left me, and now in LDR with current partner for 3 1/2 and only see my partner every few weeks, I would say the feeling of pain/loss is just as bad, maybe not exactly the same as I am not used to living with him, but it is as bad, the yearning to see him again and missing him presence is acute to the point of depression, if I had an end in sight then it would not be as bad. One thing is to break up and the other thing is to be in a LDR after living together... Two worlds apart... When you break up you lose all the future you were suposed to have with that person, you lose your rutine, etc... but you MOVE ON. When you go from living together to LDR you do not move on, because if you do it means you're not longer together... you do not want to be great because it might mean you outgrow each other... IMHO... Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 We have been an item for almost 5 years. We lived together for almost 4 years. LDR going on now for 6 months. We have NO IDEA when we'll be able to see each other again (I moved to the opposite side of the world with a scholarship and we're both planning to move here for good eventually, but he cannot follow me yet because he's an only child and is taking care of his disabled mother). I understand why the OP asked to couples who were IRL... I think coming from a IRL is harder because of the fact that we were living together, we were part of our daily lives, you have rutines, chores, etc... so not seeing each other for weeks is, at first, unnatural... when I was at home I was not able to fall asleep until he arrived home... imagine my first weeks away! I was used to sharing everything together, and suddenly I'm living a great adventure I can't share with him... sometimes I feel guilty to enjoy something because I'm not with him... I take tons of pics but obviously that's not enough. And I miss my cats like crazy... suddenly I have nothing to pet, cuddle or care... In the other hand, he's still in the same house, with the same rutine, with our cats but without me... the other day he had to look for winter clothes and found a bag of my clothes and got really depressed... I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My previous relationship was a LDR after we met online... It was different because my daily life was not affected by his "absence". Being together was extraordinary... so being apart is not as hard. However one of the hardest part of the distance is not knowing WHEN we'll see each other again. I wish I could say I'll see him in 8 months!! Although Miss_J has similar feelings to those you describe, I don't think what happened in your relationship is quite the same as hers. Correct me if I'm wrong Miss_J, but I'm pretty sure she'd only been seeing her boyfriend for a couple of months before he went away and I don't think they ever lived together. I have experienced a 'live together and then go LD' relationship twice in the past - both times with my exH. The first time he went to work away for 9 months after we'd been in a relationship (virtually living together) for 8 months. The second time we'd been living together 13 years and married for 10 of them. The first time, which is the most similar to Miss_J's situation, and I won't deny was extremely tough, was actually easier to deal with than the second time and definitely a lot easier than my current LDR - despite the fact that, twenty years ago, we communicated by snail-mail and once a week ten minute phone calls. No internet, no email, no texting, no Skype. So, in my opinion, asking only those who started in RL is limiting the relevant and helpful responses. The major difference between starting in RL and meeting online is the initial shock to the system of the lifestyle change. One minute they are there, the next they're not. However, once a new lifestyle is established without that person, which will take longer if you have lived together for years, the experience becomes fairly similar. Differences in the stability of the relationship, the resilience of the individuals involved, their level of independence, and the strength of the emotional bond are more likely to determine how difficult the LDR becomes. Regardless of these factors, when the time scale of the LDR is finite it is much, much easier to deal with. That's just my opinion of course, but I've been around the LDR section of LS long enough to know that most people will probably agree with me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 Hey E, I'll be making a visit, but that will be in 8 months. 6 months... even that sounds so long. Not lying to you, it WAS bloody long. But look on the bright side, your distance is over FOR GOOD after a year, yeah? We did two years of it, seeing each other every 6 months for that period of time. A year would have been much easier; most of our LD-related problems started escalating during year 2, because that was when it really started to stretch my endurance thin. Link to post Share on other sites
Steven33 Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 One thing is to break up and the other thing is to be in a LDR after living together... Two worlds apart... When you break up you lose all the future you were suposed to have with that person, you lose your rutine, etc... but you MOVE ON. When you go from living together to LDR you do not move on, because if you do it means you're not longer together... you do not want to be great because it might mean you outgrow each other... IMHO... Guess I have reached that stage, been doing LD for 3months now,6months to go still, wow its tough, sometimes it feels breaking up is the best thing...and just move on, as staying together hurts as communication from her side is not always forthcoming, she works on a cruise line, lived together for two years. After one month of working on the cruise, her best friend became is DJ of the ship, and after me asking questions she told me they would spend nights together watching movies either in her bed or his bed, this after he told her he likes her....so you find this out after been together for 3 and a half years, and of that living together for 2years. So from living together and sharing a bed every night just to find out she is now in someone else's bed or his in hers....I mean single cabin beds for two people??? Long Distance sux!!! and since this has all happened, its neva been the same....but up until then we were doing fine....trust has been broken.... Link to post Share on other sites
TheMoonBug Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 We met online, I worked hard to save up my money to meet my boyfriend when he didn't. I pushed him hard to get up and find a job, but he never tried. So after nearly two years, I dumped him... Two weeks after I dumped him he got a job. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted September 18, 2013 Author Share Posted September 18, 2013 Just want to clarify before I come back and respond more. Been together almost 11 months, lived together for 9. (Inseperable since say 1) I also was in a relationship that started ld. It was military. Months without hearing from him and we were married. Longest time apart was 7 month's. This feels so much different than that did. Different stage in life, reasons, and relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 when i was ldr my ex partner would make it back every four to six weeks.....when he couldnt i would go a little crazy......but then my ldr dragged out for years ...so he regularly came back to be with me.....i would go a little nuts if it were too long......towards the end of the ldr.....the distance was just too much ...i wanted to end it......so he came home for good....deb Link to post Share on other sites
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