Author hen24 Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 I do appreciate everyone's input. One poster said something about a child. I have no children so that is irrelevant. I have a dog that I think of as my child, but no children. I talked to him at length last night. Argued. Cried. I wish I could relay in words how the situation is. When I read my original post, I feel like it's hard to get some of the issues. My gut tells me that he's going to leave but it's not going to be easy. We do have a mutual real life friend and based on talking with them, he really is a good guy in many aspects and obviously not a good guy in others, like cheating on his wife, etc. He's only been with two people, including his wife and is not what anyone would consider a "ladies man." He is a caring, church going guy and I have a hard time comprehending that he is just pumping me full of crap to get me to keep talking to him. We plan extensively our future. We argue about it. I don't understand how he can't tell his wife it's done. He says that if he does that, she will fight him for the house and refuse to leave and it could be 6 months until the judge orders her to leave. He has to stay in a house with a backyard for his dog (his job) or find a house with a backyard, so leaving for a cheap apartment while his wife lives at the house while they fight over it is out of the question. If he leaves for a rental house, he will have to pay that rent (averages about 1300 a month in that area) and then the mortgage on his current house $1600 a month and he cant afford that. I see that point. What i dont understand is why he cant tell her and just deal with living there with her until she moves. He admits that he doesnt know if she will up and leave right after he tells her, but he believes that she will fight (As per arguements in the past, she claims she will fight even though he name is no where on that house or mortgage) He doesn't want to live in that environment he says. I told him that if it meant being with me, I dont understand why he wouldn't just suck it up and deal with it for the outcome. He says that most people arent like me and wouldnt live with a discruntled ex for months. What i dont get is why he would put up with all this crap if he weren't leaving. I bother him and nag (to be honest) about this all the time. The ego boast that I provide isn't that great and he can easily go and find someone else to provide the same for him without my causing drama. But yet he refuses to let me go. I know that I don't know the state of his marriage but my friend, who knows him, says that they fight a lot and he generally looks miserable all the time. He complains to people at his job and has gotten divorce advice from those who have gone through it as well. Last night he said that I'm just waiting for him to do all the work and get a house and have everything ready without me doing anything but moving. I dont disagree but i dont understand why that's a problem. I'm not the one that is married. He tells me that he will help me look for a rental that we both like and he will co sign. When he has somewhere to go with his dog (for work) he will gladly tell her because he doesnt want to be there after he tells her. I am in school though and will be for another 6 months (i can transfer credits) and he says that he cant support me while im in school. I understand that. I keep explaining to him that it would just make so much more snese for him to live in HIS house and just ask her to leave. I dont know the law, but he says that isn't how things work. I have looked up the house information on the county website and he is telling the truth that she is nowhere on the house. I've seen the deed and the Mortgage papers. As for the sleeping together thing.....He told me that he knew he was going to have to sleep with her on their anniversary. In no way did he ask me if it were ok. He said this is how it's got to be for now until he had somewhere to go and could avoid that. He didn't tell me about it...I asked. On the day of their anniversary we talked all day like normal and in the evening he disappeared for a little while. I asked when he came back. He wasn't going to tell me unless I asked. He just said "I did what i had to do and took all appropriate steps to insure that she does not get pregnant." or something like that. I know they don't communicate of do things together. Wih the amount of time we spend on the phone or texting or on video chat, there is no way. If my husband were sitting right next to me and we were having a date night or hanging out at home and he was constantly on his phone, i would be demanding answers and telling him to cut it out. We seriously text or call ALL day and evening, well into the night. Yes, he's lied to me but to be fair, I've lied to him too about a couple things. I lied about my divorce and said it was further along than it was at the time. Part of me wants to send her a letter (Anonymously). I think she deserves to know but I know he will blame me or my friends for it and I'm not sure i can lose him right now. We both compare each other to addictions. He's my addiction and obsession and I am his apparently. I just dont know how much longer I can give my addiction without things changing a bit. He tells me that going to counseling is a step in my direction (he doesn't believe in counseling and again is just going so that if it's ordered, like it's been in a bunch of his friends cases, he can say that he tried that already to expedite the case) I find it hard to comprehend that someone that is caring (and he may not be caring in regards to being married and having a OW (me)) but he is a caring person and doesn't like to hurt people, that he would do all this knowing he was never going to leave. Knowing that my life is a stake. I remind him that I could be living my life all the time and he knows this. I guess i just cant imagine doing that to someone myself but people do it.........sorry for my rambling and this being so long. 1
Author hen24 Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 and after reading the first couple paragraphs i made it seem like he's cheated before. He hasnt to my or his close friends knowledge.
Quiet Storm Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 They can do it because they live in two compartments. They mean what they say at home to the wife, then they hit pause on that compartment, and mean what they say in the affair with the other woman. So he probably does love you, within the scope of the affair. Outside of the affair, in his marriage, he celebrates their anniversary & has sex with her. He could probably do this for years. The problems arise when the two parts of his life collide.
Red Wolverine Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Part of me wants to send her a letter (Anonymously). I think she deserves to know but I know he will blame me or my friends for it and I'm not sure i can lose him right now. We both compare each other to addictions. If you sent a letter, I believe your intention would be to force a divorce. Probably will not work. Your concern does not seem to be about her anyway. I don't believe he will follow through on this. Too many what ifs and zero actions on his part. Right now, you're getting to share a fantasy addiction. I don't see that changing.
crederer Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Have you read many threads in this section? Everything you stated is almost a cookie cutter approach for married men having affairs, and every woman in that situation thinks "but this is different because of reason x,y and z" but in the end they're pretty much all the same. There are some exceptions, sure, but very, very few.
georgia girl Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Hen, Here's the deal: he may believe everything he's saying to you WHEN he's talking to you. And, in a very real way, I believe he loves you. But to him, this is fantasy. Maybe a fantasy he wishes he could make a reality, but a fantasy nonetheless. And all that future talk? That's future faking and very common for a MM. Here's the deal: someone who loves you and wants a future with you will make decisions and take action. They won't talk about it. They will make the commitments necessary to get the job done. Someone who is having an affair and still have very strong feelings for his/her spouse, will promise you decisions and actions. But you'll never see them. Dear Lord, don't move and relocate your whole life until this guy ponies up. That's way too much of an ask and way to shaky of a proposition. Okay... I'm being snarky tonight. I'm going to bed. I'll try to be the nice GG again. 1
SidLyon Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) I gather they have only been married a short time and that he owned the house before they married. If so he'll likely get the house (or at least most of it in any settlement). The following is based on this assumption. Despite this it is hard to get someone to leave, even if they have no real right to stay, due to impending divorce and ownership by just the other spouse. I would recommend that when you move there that you actually move into his house, which it seems you can quite legitimately do if it really is his. Likley that will cause her to decide to leave of her own accord. What would be the problem with this? Edited September 17, 2013 by SidLyon
Calcmag Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 He told me that he knew he was going to have to sleep with her on their anniversary. In no way did he ask me if it were ok. He said this is how it's got to be for now until he had somewhere to go and could avoid that. He didn't tell me about it...I asked. On the day of their anniversary we talked all day like normal and in the evening he disappeared for a little while. I asked when he came back. He wasn't going to tell me unless I asked. He just said "I did what i had to do and took all appropriate steps to insure that she does not get pregnant." or something like that. Oh this is nauseating. And then him saying 'I did what I had to do' ? It doesn't matter if WE think you're gullible - HE certainly does. You asked about deleting your thread. I'm not sure why you want to do that, but I think it would be good if you stuck around, read some of the other threads, it would help you to open your eyes to what's going on. With your eyes open you can make better choices. You may still stick around for this MM, or you may decide not to.
Solcita2 Posted September 17, 2013 Posted September 17, 2013 Don't know if you're still around... however I wanted to say a couple of things. 1) He says he complains that he's the one doing all the job and the only thing you will do is move in... well, he's the one with the dirty clothes, so he should be the one doing the laundry, right? 2) When I was in your position I was very sure I wanted him to leave because that relationship wasn't working and he didn't love her anymore, and not because of me... because I didn't want him in a future to make me responsible for the end of that relationship. Yes, you can support him during the hard times after the D day, but the reality is that's something he has to do... and the sooner it begins, sooner will end. Please, please DO NOT relocate until the ball is rolling... do not make the same mistake I did! Take care and I hope this turns out for the best!
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