Am I too gullible?

[hen24]

Here's my story:

I met a guy. He lives in a different state, but we hit it off. i didn't realize he was married but was too far gone once I found out he was. We talk all the time. We've seen each other over a week once since then. It's been about 10 months. I dont want to sound like every stereotypical OW here, but from the very beginning, he said that he is not happy and that is obvious with his fallng for me and talking to me. He wouldn't do that if he were happy, etc. With the amount that we chat and video, etc, I can see that they dont communicate or hang out or do things together either so I believe him there. He doesnt seem to hide things from me either in regards to her. He wants me to move to be with him as he cannot relocate for his job. Plus, the economy were i am sucks. haha

He's still with his wife. They have been married a little over 2 years. She apparently just completely changed after they got married. I've had a few friends this has happened to, so I can say that this does happen. Anyway, He hasn't made any real steps to leaving except to suggest counseling to her so that she can't suggest it to him when he tells her he's leaving and he can say they tried that. He doesn't believe in counseling so he kknows that it's not going to work and he says he's thrown in the towel already. They haven't had sex but once in a year. He owns his home and thinks that she's going to fight him on getting the house or refuse to leave until a judge orders her to and he thinks that could take months. I try to talk to him about this stuff but he always reflects t back to me. I'm in the middle of my divorce and it took some time because we couldn't agree on things and our house was in both or names, etc. he throws the fact that mine has taken time back in my face and says that it's not fair that i expect his to be over in a matter of weeks and mine took months. I told him today that mine took months AFTER I told my husband it wasn't working and we should separate. There is a difference. His wife probably thinks that they will go to counseling and things will be fine. they will work it out. She has no clue. I'm not sure any of this makes logical sense at all. I just know that i'm having a really hard time with this tonight. Part of me believes that he really is going to leave because he's planning all this stuff with me and he knows that I'm going back to school to get a better job and looking into transferring where he is and that the only reason I'm going back to school is to be with him and get a better job there and that if he were just messing with me, i would be wasting all this money. he knows this and swears up and down that he isn't. that we will be together. He is a caring person so i cant imagine he could be this cold to someone if he were never planning on leaving.

He tells me i'm the love of his life and to be honest, I cant imagine that he would continue to put up with my ***** and constant need for reassurance if he didn't plan on being with me. His and his wife's anniversary was this past july. We talked about the fact that she would be expecting him to sleep with her as she has been hinting about it for about a month. He knew that it was going to kill me but I told him to do what he needed to do. I honestly thought he was going to lie to me about it and tell me that he hadn't slept with her. He didn't lie. He told me he did what he had to do, didn't enjoy it, that kind of crap but he told me. I would think if he didn't plan on being with me or didn't want this to work, he could have just lied to me........They have counseling soon. I think he said he's going to just go to a couple sessions and then tell her. I'm an inpatient person and i feel like i've waited long enough for something to happen.....Am i being gullible and stupid? Am i not the stupidest person on the planet?

 

I want to add that we have a mutual female friend and she has talked to him about this at length and she firmly believes that he is planning on leaving.......

[wavejumper]

first, do you know how to make paragraphs? it's way too long a block of text, but i managed to read "married" and skipped to the end: "Am i being gullible and stupid?

 

YES

[hen24]

Im sorry. I'm on my phone so it's hard to do correct punctuation and paragraphs sometimes.

[whichwayisup]

. I told him today that mine took months AFTER I told my husband it wasn't working and we should separate. There is a difference. His wife probably thinks that they will go to counseling and things will be fine. they will work it out. She has no clue. I'm not sure any of this makes logical sense at all.

 

She has no clue because things are not as he's made them seem. His marriage is probably not half as bad as he's made it out to be. Also, you are NOT a fly on their wall in their house so you can't make a snap judgement and assume you know exactly how things are between them. You really have no idea and can only go on what he's told you. Forget the mutual friend, that's not fact nor is it reliable.

 

Why do you think his wife will think they'll go to counseling and all will be fine? Don't you think he's given her that indication? Or again, things aren't half as bad as he's made them out to be.

 

You do not know this man that well seeing as it's been online.

 

You're choosing to believe a guy who lied to you/omitted the fact he was married. And then you chose to go ahead and continue the affair, albeit online.

 

Focus on your own divorce and tell him to call you when he's divorced and then maybe you'll consider moving to where he lives. To move before he is divorced is a bad idea. you'll be his OW on the side all the meanwhile he'll still be married and living life with his wife.

[whichwayisup]

.Am i being gullible and stupid? Am i not the stupidest person on the planet?

 

You're not stupid at all, you're just letting your emotions and blinders that you have on cloud your better judgement. Take a step back and pretend you're giving advice to someone else in your situation. Try to be objective and see ALL sides of this, not just your own desires/hopes/dreeams.

 

You are being too gullible by taking him at his word. A man who lies daily to his wife and doesn't lie or omit truths to his OW? Do the math.

 

I want to add that we have a mutual female friend and she has talked to him about this at length and she firmly believes that he is planning on leaving.......

 

So, why is he having lengthy discussions with this person? Why isn't he having discussions with his wife? And, is this person "online" as well or a face to face friend who truly knows him in offline life. ?

 

Your mutual friend firmly believes he is leaving but she is NOT him and she can spin this any way she wants to but the reality is, it's up to him and until HE says he's divorcing, don't put all your eggs in her basket and give yourself hope because of what she believes. That's just not a good idea.

[hen24]

I know that I'm just going by what he says. Its all i can really go on. He claims that she knows something is wrong and has known it for awhile, but is just in denial. She apparently complains all the time about their lack of sex life, lack of affection, lack of talking or communicating, lack of anything really. The work opposite shifts so they dont see each other that much and it's worse now as he makes it a point to sleep while she's awake. She comes from a very religious family and they dont believe in divorce and therefore, she doesn't either. I dont know. I just dont know.

I dont understand how, if I'm not giving this man anything other than talking to him daily, as I'm not currently giving him sex or gifts or anything like that, he would continue to talk to me if he were happy and thiings were fine with them and he wasn't planning on leaving. I can see why some guys have a wife and OW because they are getting sex from both and it's great. I provide him none of that.....

[hen24]

Oh and he keeps telling me that every since he said something about counseling, she keeps asking if he's going to leave. He claims he tells her that they will see how counseling goes and that the only reason he is doing it is for if someone says they should do it before throwing in the towel, he can say they already tried.

I'm not trying to be mean. I dont know his wife at all. I've never met her. I've seen her on facebook and other pics online, but that is about it. She is not an attractive lady at all and I feel like she has terrible self esteem and can believe sometimes that she knows it's over, but doesn't want to let go or admit it.

[whichwayisup]

I know that I'm just going by what he says. Its all i can really go on. He claims that she knows something is wrong and has known it for awhile, but is just in denial. She apparently complains all the time about their lack of sex life, lack of affection, lack of talking or communicating, lack of anything really. The work opposite shifts so they dont see each other that much and it's worse now as he makes it a point to sleep while she's awake. She comes from a very religious family and they dont believe in divorce and therefore, she doesn't either. I dont know. I just dont know.

I dont understand how, if I'm not giving this man anything other than talking to him daily, as I'm not currently giving him sex or gifts or anything like that, he would continue to talk to me if he were happy and thiings were fine with them and he wasn't planning on leaving. I can see why some guys have a wife and OW because they are getting sex from both and it's great. I provide him none of that.....

 

Ego feed! You make him feel good and desired and you fill in needs that aren't being met at home. That doesn't mean he is going to up and leave his wife and be with you. It means he likes how you make him feel. It really is that simple.

[hen24]

i didnt say he wanted me to move in. He wants me to move to the area. Also, there are tons of people that own their own homes before marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Oh and he keeps telling me that every since he said something about counseling, she keeps asking if he's going to leave. He claims he tells her that they will see how counseling goes and that the only reason he is doing it is for if someone says they should do it before throwing in the towel, he can say they already tried.

I'm not trying to be mean. I dont know his wife at all. I've never met her. I've seen her on facebook and other pics online, but that is about it. She is not an attractive lady at all and I feel like she has terrible self esteem and can believe sometimes that she knows it's over, but doesn't want to let go or admit it.

 

Again you only know about her from what you've seen and read and what he's told you. YOU DO NOT KNOW HIM half as well as you think you do because this has all taken place online. This is not the same as a face to face.

Stop believing every single word coming out of his mouth.. For your own sanity and protection!

 

He loved her enough to marry her and he has not told her about you or anything. This is why she has hope that their M will be okay because their M IS OKAY, yet he is playing you and giving you hope, and you're choosing to believe a man who is lying to his wife. And he LIED to you from the beginning yet you chose to continue on with him.

[whichwayisup]

i didnt say he wanted me to move in. He wants me to move to the area. Also, there are tons of people that own their own homes before marriage.

 

Do not give up your life, your friends and family to move to another City to be closer to him until his divorce is final and enough time has gone by that he's been on his own for a while.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to imply that you'd move in with him, I was just saying to move now is not good. The timing is all wrong.

[hen24]

whichwayisup, please dont apologize. i was referring to the other responder who compared my post to another thread. Thank you for your advise!

[Red Wolverine]

Here's a breakdown....

 

1. He's married. Apparently lying about it to you doesn't matter to you.

2. You're assuming all the risk by agreeing to move to be with him.

3. He's not getting divorced.

4. He's having sex with his wife. Nice touch that he asked for permission and you granted it.

5. You said you talk all the time. That's all it is....TALK.

6. He's bored and you're a nice distraction.

7. If his wife changed after they got married that means she accepted the commitment of marriage. Apparently he hasn't.

8. He suggests counseling as lip service yet has no intention of participating.

9. He's already putting blame on you for his lack of actions by comparing your divorce.

10. You said he's a caring person. Nothing you wrote demonstrates that.

11. He will let you waste your time and money. It's all about him. That's clear.

12. Talking and planning are not actions.

 

I think I covered everything. I don't see how he's any different than any other married bozo at a cheap bar on a Friday night.

[C00kie]

I respect everyone's opinion, but I really think people tend to be very harsh here. While some of things that have been said about this man MAY be true, others simply have no solid ground at all. Also, there are other ways of saying things that don't include bashing and telling the OP she's stupid.

 

Hen, trust your gut feeling. There are two things that worried me the most when I read your story - the fact that he hide that he was married and him telling you he had sex with his wife, and you giving your consentment. Now, honesty is one thing, but that's just rude on his part to tell you about it and really doesn't show much respect.

 

As to whether he is serious about leaving his wife or not, only time will tell. I know you want to believe him so bad, but also try to rationalise a little so that you can find a balance and see if you really want to be in this relationship or not.

 

Just don't ignore the red flags in hope that they'll go away. Step back a little so that you can really try to figure things out.

 

All the best

[C00kie]

He loved her enough to marry her and he has not told her about you or anything. This is why she has hope that their M will be okay because their M IS OKAY, yet he is playing you and giving you hope, and you're choosing to believe a man who is lying to his wife. And he LIED to you from the beginning yet you chose to continue on with him.

 

Lol...their M is everything but OK. Being at peace with the spouse and pretending everything's fine is far away from being an OK marriage. You're telling Hen that because a) she's the OW b)you're generalising, as you know most MM never leave.

 

Well, if it was his wife posting here, telling the exact same things from her point of view - like "i found out he has OW, but my M is okay" you'd probably say she's blind and no, her marriage is not ok, she needs to go counselling cause he's well out of order.

 

It really depends on how you see it.

[whichwayisup]

Lol...their M is everything but OK. Being at peace with the spouse and pretending everything's fine is far away from being an OK marriage. You're telling Hen that because a) she's the OW b)you're generalising, as you know most MM never leave.

 

Well, if it was his wife posting here, telling the exact same things from her point of view - like "i found out he has OW, but my M is okay" you'd probably say she's blind and no, her marriage is not ok, she needs to go counselling cause he's well out of order.

 

It really depends on how you see it.

 

Please focus on the OP and your own advice to her, rather than pick apart my advice to her. Thanks. She certainly doesn't seem to have any issues with what I've said.

 

whichwayisup, please dont apologize. i was referring to the other responder who compared my post to another thread. Thank you for your advise!

[velvette]

Yes, that would be very convenient for him, wouldn't it?

 

Well let's see. He lied about being married and continued to lie to you until the truth finally came out. He's also been lying to his wife about his affair and letting her believe the marriage is failing due solely to something they've both done wrong (that would be HALF right - one of them is doing 'wrong,' and it ain't her).

 

I really hope you see this guy for what he is before you pick up your life and possibly move out where he lives. You've already made MORE than enough thankless sacrifices for this cretin that you're going to regret when this is all over (and that day IS coming).

 

 

I think you need to get legal advice first. I don't think you will find a judge who agrees to you taking your husband's child out of state unless your H agrees to allow it. Doesn't matter why you think its a good idea.

[C00kie]

Please focus on the OP and your own advice to her, rather than pick apart my advice to her. Thanks. She certainly doesn't seem to have any issues with what I've said.

 

This is a discussion forum. I was only trying to give my opinion, which is different than yours, and show my point of view. OP can make her own judgement and she will - hopefully sooner rather than later, whatever the outcome

[yellowmaverick]

Hen - you are neither stupid nor gullible, but maybe a little too naive. I believe that your gut is telling you that things just don't add up. Trust your gut. Do some investgating.

[Goodbye]

Having had a long distance relationship with a married man, I can tell you it is VERY easy for them to bullsh*t you about the state of their marriage, how they are living, what they do with their time. Especially if you never travel to their hometowns...which I did not.

 

I suspect there is a very high likelihood that he is misleading you on many levels. First and foremost...the state of his marriage. Over and over MM (and MW) play the "my marriage is so bad it practically means nothing" card. If it WAS THAT bad, he would be leaving...especially with a short term marriage like his.

 

Do not fall for this. Nothing good will come of it.

[KentuckyGent]

Yes, you are extremely gullible.

 

 

Your story has been posted a million times before and the result is predictable. Your guy is a phony, a liar, a cheater.

 

 

I bet his wife gets pregnant in the next few months.

 

Pierre, she probably knows this. Your advice/response seems to be this almost verbatim every time.

[whichwayisup]

This is a discussion forum. I was only trying to give my opinion, which is different than yours, and show my point of view. OP can make her own judgement and she will - hopefully sooner rather than later, whatever the outcome

 

Yes it is and everybody has their opinion. Just don't pick apart my advice, it's not advice for you and the OP certainly hasn't had an issue with what I've said so far.

[whichwayisup]

Who called her stupid and where was she bashed?

 

Nobody said that. The OP asked if she was stupid. I answered her and said "You're not stupid at all, you're just letting your emotions and blinders that you have on cloud your better judgement. Take a step back and pretend you're giving advice to someone else in your situation. Try to be objective and see ALL sides of this, not just your own desires/hopes/dreeams.

 

You are being too gullible by taking him at his word. A man who lies daily to his wife and doesn't lie or omit truths to his OW? Do the math."

[C00kie]

Yes it is and everybody has their opinion. Just don't pick apart my advice, it's not advice for you and the OP certainly hasn't had an issue with what I've said so far.

 

I picked your advice apart because I wanted to refute what you had just said. How on earth do people discuss things if not based on something one has said and try to give another point of view? Please, this is nothing personal.

 

As for the bashing - I'm refering to the MM, not to the OP (but everyone's entitled to have their own opinions, I just choose not to bash him) and stupid?, well yes, the first person who replied this post called her stupid.

 

I just happen to have a less radical opinion than everyone who has commented does. I won't be posting further comments on this thread. Having said that, OP, I wish you all the best.

[Quiet Storm]

Married men cheat all the time with no intention of leaving the marriage. They do it for excitement and ego strokes. It is less related to the state of the marriage and more related to his character.

 

If his wife finds out, he will just say it is no big deal. He's just having a little online fun.

 

The fact is, although the wife would see this as a huge betrayal, many men do not think affairs are a reflection of the status of the marriage. They often feel that they are entitled to a little fun & variety, and as long as the wife doesn't find out, it's not a big deal. They view it as an extra indulgence, like a vacation or an expensive meal.

 

They don't want to change their life, just enhance it.