Feeling strange after not talking for years?

[HiddenUser]

I've been going through something very tough lately and I really feel the need to get it off my chest. I've been going through such a roller-coaster of emotions I don't even know how to handle it. I don't even know why I'm posting this thread, but I feel like it'll help me along.

 

See, many, many, many years ago (like 12 years ago), I had this friend. We were both in 3rd and 4th grade and she was head over heels in love with me. I mean, she was totally infatuated with me. I was way too young and way too immature to understand how she felt about me, so there were a lot of things I did that upset her. There was a point when she had "asked me out" (she was older than I, so it wasn't entirely too far fetched). Not long after, I broke up with her without even knowing what it meant. She had tears streaming down her face at school and I didn't really understand why. We were great friends, talked all the time, hung out at school and had a ton of fun. However, we both ended up moving out of state the summer after 5th grade. I tried to find her several times over the years just to reconnect and maybe even to apologize for any time I ever hurt her, but I was unsuccessful. Years went by and life went right along with it. Finally, after 12 or 13 years, I finally found her.

 

Admittedly, it was quite ironic. My brother still talked to her sister (I didn't know!) and she told him her sister (my old friend) still talked about me. My brother told me how to find her on Facebook and I was totally shocked! This was finally it! I looked her up and... I was hit very hard by how mature she'd gotten. She is stunningly beautiful, lives an amazing life, has a wonderful family and is extremely intelligent. Never in my 21 years on this planet have I ever been at a loss for words, and yet, seeing all the pictures she was in with that stunning smile just... I don't even know... I took the plunge and added her. As I awaited her response, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I'm very adamant about my school work but, I just couldn't focus. I couldn't eat and I felt really restless. I kept thinking about what I would say or how she would react. She accepted my request a while later and after an hour of trying to figure out what to say, I figured I had to say something and just sent her a message.

 

She totally remembered me as her "first little love" and asked quite quickly if I would be available to call or text instead. She seemed very excited to talk to me, so we made arrangements for the following evening (tonight, actually). So she tells me she's ready and before I can ask if she wants me to call, my phone is ringing. She asked if I was married and whose kid I had in my lap on Facebook (my newphew), we talked for a few hours, had a lot of great laughs, remembered a lot of old times and I even told her, from my heart, that I was sorry if I ever hurt her. Everything was going great and after a few hours, we decided to part ways. She told me that we should "keep in contact" and that she'd "text me sometime or something," but the way she said goodbye has stuck with me. It was like she had some closure in her life. "(softly) Goodbye.. HiddenUser......"

 

I find myself feeling really depressed about it. I never, ever thought about anything coming from it aside from reconnecting, I swear. But, for some reason, I think my heart feels differently, and that's why I'm so confused. I hate to be corny, but the second I saw her in a picture on Facebook my heart started to ache. It defied all logic. This is a girl that I haven't seen in 12 years. I feel like I'm in love with a girl that I can't and, logically speaking, shouldn't, be in love with. This has nothing to do with my social or dating life. I have a girl from my chemistry class that I could take on a date in a heartbeat. I have had many opportunities to ask her just today alone. The only thing that comes to mind is that my old friend is the type of person I would want to date. She has all the qualities of the type of girl I'm looking for, but lives in a state waaaaay far away from mine. Could this simply be a case of wanting what I can't have?

 

Why in the world do I feel this way? I am so baffled by it. I don't even know how I feel. How is that possible?!

Edited September 16, 2013 by HiddenUser

[whichwayisup]

Go for it. You have nothing to lose and if anything (if she has boyfriend or is married) then at least you put it out there.

 

Call her and ask her out on a real date and go from there. You have feelings for her and might as well see what happens. If it doesn't work out then you can process it all and let go of the desire of being her boyfriend.

 

Sit and do nothing, feel depressed and read into her 'goodbye' is a waste of time. You don't know if that was goodbye or a see ya later goodbye.

[HiddenUser]

Go for it. You have nothing to lose and if anything (if she has boyfriend or is married) then at least you put it out there.

 

Call her and ask her out on a real date and go from there. You have feelings for her and might as well see what happens. If it doesn't work out then you can process it all and let go of the desire of being her boyfriend.

 

Sit and do nothing, feel depressed and read into her 'goodbye' is a waste of time. You don't know if that was goodbye or a see ya later goodbye.

 

Sorry. I totally failed to mention it's not that simple because she lives in a separate state way, way far away. What a serious blunder on my part. There's not a doubt in my mind that I'd fight for her if she were here, though. I'm just bent out of shape because I've been looking at this very subjectively. The reality is, the only relationship that can come from this is long distance. It's kind of ironic, she actually mentioned that long distance worked out for her sister and her fiancee when we spoke but, maybe I'm just grasping at straws here. I don't know, I just feel like there's a stone I haven't yet flipped. Anyway, it doesn't help that I hadn't seen her in many years so it makes it all the more emotional. I'll update my post so no one else gets confused. Thanks for taking the time to read through.

 

Edit: Nevermind. Apparently we're still not old enough to edit our posts, lol.

Edited September 16, 2013 by HiddenUser

[CC12]

Could this simply be a case of wanting what I can't have?

 

That's kind of what I'm thinking. Or rather, it's something you could have had at one time. There's also probably a heavy dose of nostalgia mixed in. That she turned out to be this gorgeous and amazing person also doesn't help.

 

I think we all get like this to an extent. Sometimes you get reminded of someone from the past, and get all wistful and stuff. Like, "Aww, I remember him! I had such a crush on him and he was so cute and sweet etc." And then you sort of think about him for a day or two but then the thoughts once again fall to the back of your mind and you go about your life. I guess it's a little different if you actually talk to the person, though.

 

I totally failed to mention it's not that simple because she lives in a separate state way, way far away.

 

I think you should take a few days to calm down and get over the excitement of reconnecting, but definitely try to keep in contact with her. You never know. Something might develop. Be cautiously optimistic.

[HiddenUser]

That's kind of what I'm thinking. Or rather, it's something you could have had at one time. There's also probably a heavy dose of nostalgia mixed in. That she turned out to be this gorgeous and amazing person also doesn't help.

 

I think we all get like this to an extent. Sometimes you get reminded of someone from the past, and get all wistful and stuff. Like, "Aww, I remember him! I had such a crush on him and he was so cute and sweet etc." And then you sort of think about him for a day or two but then the thoughts once again fall to the back of your mind and you go about your life. I guess it's a little different if you actually talk to the person, though.

 

I think you should take a few days to calm down and get over the excitement of reconnecting, but definitely try to keep in contact with her. You never know. Something might develop. Be cautiously optimistic.

 

Thanks. I think you're right. There was a flood of emotions that poured over me and it was all so overwhelming. It was a huge shock to see how much she'd grown up and how much time had really gone by. I'm not going to lie, it's hard to for me to comprehend.

 

I feel like I'm going crazy because part of me knows there's no room for me to fit into her already crazy life. Maybe if we were in person there'd be enough of a spark to chase her, but online? I'm not so sure that'd work. Yet, another part of me is saying, "hey, this girl is worth fighting for, you need to try." Part of me sees the long distance idea as totally stupid because it consists of talking on the phone, texting, Facebook and Skype. That can only go so far with someone I haven't seen in 12 years. But yet, another part of me thinks maybe we'd be mature enough to handle the distance and visit each other once in a while and all that.

 

I really don't know, and I'm totally confused by it all. I feel like I'm in a movie. How does she feel about me? Am I stuck in her mind the way she is in mine, or am I just an old friend she happened to remember? I don't know, but I certainly don't plan to rush into it and I'm certainly not expecting anything to come from it all. I'll probably text her sometime in the next few days because there were a few things I remembered from when we were kids that we didn't talk about. It'd be something to put a smile on her face and would give me the opportunity to see what she says to the prospect of talking again sometime.

 

Thanks for your input. It really, really helps to talk these things out.

Edited September 16, 2013 by HiddenUser