Mistake blew off 3 year relationship? (Warning: very screwed up couple)

[X20107428]

I'll just get to it.

Me and my recent ex have been dating for 3 years since junior year in high school (He was 17 and I was 16) We were a pretty good couple, but we had our downs as much as our ups. We broke up several times, but always got back together.

 

Before I continue, let me just say that he is a very unique person. Everyone who knows him describes him as "an enigma within a puzzle within a scrambled code". He's definitely not your "average" person who can be predictable in what he says or thinks. But I loved that about him.

 

--

 

1/3 of relationship: Things were pretty good. We were both our first "real" lovers (lasted more than a few months). But we had our first big argument towards the end of the year. He said I wasted his time during school because he didn't have as much fun as he did in junior year in comparison to soph year. Why? The group of friends we hung out with were kind of boring, I do admit that. He threatened to break my hands so that I may never do art again and he wished he can waste my time as revenge for his wasted time.

Note: When he's angry, he does anything he could to push your buttons and make you as angry as possible.

 

But I took that really personally for obvious reasons and tried to break up with him. In anger and stress, I had a small sexual encounter with another boy I knew. Later, he apologized for his behavior and I chose to give him another chance because I realized that was his angry side of his personality, and not a threat he ever intended to do. (Come on, we all say things we don't mean.) He never said anything nearly that terrible to me ever again. I never told him of my sexual fling because in all honesty, I had forgotten about it as I decided to focus on my boyfriend again.

 

Fast forward about 6 months and we were a happy couple. And so the summer after senior year of high school, we had sex. We were both our firsts.

 

--

2/3: Graduating high school, I started college in LA, about an hour from where we lived. It was a bit difficult because in high school, our houses were literally about 5-10 min away by car. But I'd say we handled it well, we had a smooth year. We were on our way to talking about whether or not we'd get married, or at the very least, live together. We weren't actually sure, because we both knew as a couple not yet in our 20s, nothing was set in stone. My friends and his friends were the same people, and they rooted for us because we lasted so long as highschool sweethearts (up to this point was about a year and a half)

 

Some problems arose though.

 

I found out he had a crush on another girl (we'll call her K) before and during our first months of dating. We had a small argument going back to how he said I wasted his time, and he added that he just wanted to flirt and date during highschool, and I felt somewhat responsible for taking that away from him. But we were together, so he said he doesn't regret being with me at all.

 

He loved flirting with other girls. When we hung out with a group of people, he focused more on them than me, and some people never suspected we were even together.

 

My bestfriend and my boyfriend talked a lot and she said there were a lot of things I didn't know about him still. He still looked at other girls and talked behind my back. Whenever I wanted to break up with him, he would force himself on me to show exactly how much he loved me and wanted to be with me.

--

 

3/3: Halfway through with freshman year of college. I started to have some self esteem issues. School was very demanding. I went to an art college, so I was a full-time student doing constant work to finish my projects on the deadline. My ex would talk about how art concerns him as a major for me, and kept telling me of a cousin who does graphic design and ended up design pet food bags. I understood where he came from, and I was going for a more financially successful major, but the way he told his stories seemed like he doubted me. I passed the first year with decent grades, but it really depleted me.

Eventually, I kept thinking about the things he would say to me when we had arguments, and I eventually broke down into a overly sensitive weakling who would get angry as a defense mechanism. In retrospect, my ex didn't do anything wrong and I can tell he loved me very much so. But I was too sensitive to see that and I kept feeling like whatever he said was to attack me.

 

As I started to finish my freshman year, the boy I had the fling with started to talk to me, and confessed to me. he said that that his feelings have slowly been accumulating over the course of 4 years. I went to him for advice with my ex, so he knew how me and my ex were. He believed he can treat me better, but he was very sexually driven. I had no intentions of dating this boy, but as I started to talk to him more, I told my boyfriend that I wanted a break from our relationship. At this point, I had very low self esteem issues, and I just wanted to be happy. And this boy made me happy.

However, he was very sexually driven. He told me that he wanted me to be his first becase he was still a virgin but I said we weren't a couple, and that he should wait until he got a girlfriend of his own. He pressed on and on about it, and I eventually caved in to his desire because I was weak and couldn't hold onto my morals. I projected my insecurities at him, and basically screwed my insecurities away twice.

 

I felt no romance. I felt disgusted with myself soon afterwards. I told my bestfriend, but she was hurt because it was practically cheating and told my boyfriend. Everything blew up, and In the end, I chose my boyfriend and cut off the other boy.

 

He said that if we were to overcome this, we'd be stronger than we'd ever been. So I dedicated my entire summer to him, but no matter what I did, he always thought of the past. No matter how happy I made him that day, at night, it would all be negated with the thought of the past.

 

As I had to move back to LA for school, I knew he started to see the k girl again. She came over to his house to make him food, and they went on dates together.

 

But two weeks later, me and my boyfriend went to the beach and towards the end of the day, he pulled me in for a kiss which my friends were able to take a picture of. Everyone had a good time. So i thought everything was okay.

 

But no. A week later, he decided to break things off with me. I was devastated, and cleared up my Saturday to take the train back home. Which is very risky for my school grades. I thought that if I wanted him back, then I would do everything I could to do so. As I my friend picked me up from the station to his house, his mother looked at me with concern. Turns out, he told his parents that morning of our separation. His mother bought me lunch though, and his father was impressed I took the train all the way down to town.

 

Later that day, I tried forcing myself onto him the way he did to me to show how much I wanted to us to work out. I got some bruises everywhere, and it was to no avail. I was never able to kiss him, as he said they weren't mine to have anymore. They were someone elses. I asked if there was any way that I can have a chance to atone for what I did, and he said he gave me my chance. I retaliated, saying that he only offered me the chance and never gave it to me because I did what I could to make things right, but he never let my actions matter. I cried a lot, and he ended up hugging me. I missed my train, so he had to drive me back to LA. His mother was in the shower so I couldn't say goodbye but his father hugged me for the very first time and thanked me for coming. I thanked him back for his hospitality.

 

The ride back was silent. He held my hand.

 

When we got back to my apartment, I made him a small meal. He waited in my bed, and when I walked over to tell him the food was ready, he pulled me into bed and hugged me under the sheets. I asked him why he would do this to me, as I felt enough of a failure already. He said that it was because he cared for me. But i replied saying that what he felt as he hugged me and what I felt were completely different. I felt love, he felt friendship and pity.

 

He ate, but came back into the bed and we hugged tightly for 10-15 minutes.

 

As we headed down to the garage, he hugged me. And as he started his car engine, he asked if there was anything I wanted to say. I said I'd wait for him. and he said he wanted me to stop being so sad. I asked if there was any way I can get a chance in the future and he said there was a possibility but no guarantee. I cried on the spot with overwhelming guilt. We said our goodbyes and that night, I couldn't sleep at all. I restlessly walked around, searching my thoughts.

 

I came to the conclusion that waiting for him was a pitiful thing to do. Although my friends say that what I did was ****ed up, they admired me for doing everything I could to make him stay. I messaged the k girl to take care of him for me. and I messaged him saying thank you for everything he's done for me. I said waiting for him is probably a waste of time, and that there was no point if he had no feelings for me. if him and k girl didn't work out, i hope he realizes exactly how much I tried to atone for what I did.

 

Now I'm sitting here, writing this thread. And I ask for words of wisdom. Am i correct when I say that I should try to look at other aspects of life? Granted, yes that is something I already planned to do, but should I still wait for him? Maybe we will both mature in time. But given that we were together for nearly three years, and our breakup was a result of a mistake rather than incompatibility, does that not indicate a sign that things may still work out?

 

I'm so very tired from everything I've done. I regret it all. I know that if only I had the strength to say no to sex with the other boy, then I'd still be with my ex. I've lost myself and I've become a weakling in everything I do.

 

Please help me...

Edited September 16, 2013 by X20107428