Cocodainty Posted September 15, 2013 Posted September 15, 2013 (edited) Bare with me as first ever thread and working out how to use this on my phone!! Hello love shack :0) I'm an 18 year old girl from the UK. Over a month ago my ex bf, 21, of 7 months broke up with me. Our relationship was quite serious, being that we were getting to the point where HE was suggesting our parents meet up, and asking about marriage and children. I was close with his family, even going on shopping trips with his sister and painting the house with his mum. He loved all of that, and made sure I was always involved. I know we are both young but it was young love and I fell hard. In the last month of our relationship, my ex bf had landed a new job, and was the captain of two cricket teams. His mum was also poorly and he was becoming more and more busy. At the same time, he has always been very close to his friends and often liked to smoke draws with them. I was used to being around his friends, and I liked them, even going as far as to iron one of their shirts and fix a button before a night out in the city. I even stuck up against a friend for one of them. Anyway, he'd always been very close to them, but I was beginning to feel a third wheel as we were spending less time anyway. He turned up late a few times, but I really tried to be on the lookout to see if he was becoming disinterested. But he still told me he loved me, showered me with kisses, had amazing sex, and genuinely treated me with love. It was just in that short time of spending time together, and when his friends weren't in the room or home. I was getting increasingly unhappy after he canceled and then tried to rearrange plans because he wanted to get high with his friend, and then see me at a late time at night. He then asked me with puppy dog eyes to make him a cake so I laughed and said yes, he then promised to come over the next day to have some, but ended up being too hungover to follow through plans. Prior to this my unhappiness had reached a level of finding it hard to explain. It frustrated him and I know I should have been more honest and less emotional about it but I felt stuck. All was as normal for a few days until he texted me on the 1st August making plans to pick me up after my first late shift of cover work. It was also my ToM(ladies) and I was exhausted so it definitely did not help. I'd also been experiencing panic attacks since a trip to London we took, in which I met his older sister's friends and felt really scared and patronised (following a situation where I felt very shy and knocked down when someone commented on my small frame negatively) therefore I was on the verge of anxiety before I got in the car with him. He went to park by a river running through our village and he was very quiet. He then said he realised he'd taken me for granted, felt terrible, hated himself and was stressed over so much. He cried a lot and held me, kissed my hair, told me he loved me so much. I told him I was so proud of him and he was always dedicated but sometimes he can't always have his priorities on the same scale, and that's okay. I just had been feeling like I didn't matter so much lately. I ask him if this is him breaking up, but he said no, he wouldn't do that. But skip forward an hour later and we are both crying because we've hit a brick wall and he just doesn't know what else we could do. I get angry then, in disbelief he's doing this. I tell him he's making a mistake, give him his necklace, and get out of the car and managed to convince myself I've left my phone on the seat, end up having to run down the road to the car and in complete embarrassment found my phone in my bag when he stopped. Got in, repeat breakup, get back home. An hour later and he's texting me, telling me he hates himself so much and can't stand the thought of me crying, that its not because he doesn't love me because he really does, that I'm beautiful, that he's sorry. I reply confused out of my mind, asking what he really wants. Did he plan this? He says he'd been thinking about it but he just can't stand the thought of hurting me anymore, more apologies and stuff. I reply saying this is fixable. We can work, that I believe he's worth it, and we are worth it, but clearly I am not worth it. At 6:30am he responds saying I am worth it, and that he never wanted this to happen. I don't reply, and get another text at half 4 asking if I'm okay. I say no, ask again what he wants, and he says we just need a few weeks. I told him not to text me then because it hurts. A few days later and I break NC asking him to ring me when he's free. I apologise on the phone for being emotional and angry when we broke up, and then we get on to saying we still love each other, and that I'm always going to be his baby. We just need a few weeks. Anyway a few weeks pass and in these few weeks I was still receiving snapchats from his sister. I also started getting a lot from his work mates, like actual conversations with them. I did feel like I should be careful though, especially when one of them mentioned my ex to me. Anyway I was about to go on holiday with all my girlfriends (drinking holiday, ex used to be SO worried about me going away) and a few days before I got a snapchat video of my ex boyfriend hanging out from one of his friends. It was weird, but I ignored it. Had a crazy time on holiday, really healed me a bit, and after avoiding Facebook I checked in a few days after landing home to find myself tagged in some really good photos, some are actually really cute (dressed up as a cheerleader for one event and the photos got a ton of attention hehe!). So my ego was right up, I'll admit. But I wasn't cocky, I still felt bruised. Anyway in a few photos I'm tagged with a guy friend my ex really didnt like for some reason, and in a few with some guys I met on holiday. I know its petty but I do worry because I know how much he disliked the thought of that guy and other guys in general (however when we were together I didn't really hang out with this guy), I do wonder if it might have annoyed him :/ On the topic of Facebook, after staying away I did have a look at my ex boyfriends profile to find his relationship status is still "In a relationship" but my name isn't there anymore since I changed mine to hidden. I know that he is not in a relationship with anyone else, I'll make that clear. Its been over a month now and its still there. While at first I understood it as meaning nothing, I now do know that his friends and especially his sister (social network butterfly) WOULD have said something to him by now. Along with that, he's still got our photos up as his most recent tagged, and his friend recently put pictures up from a party on 11th August in which he still has my hair bobbles on his wrist (one black one brown, always made a big deal about how he never took them off not even in the shower) and although he's probably taken them off now, it shocked me a bit as it was post 10 days. This inspired me to get in touch with him after a month (I think, wasnt really counting) of NC. So I sent a text asking how he was and no reply. A week later and I decide to try again for one last time, this time saying I will completely understand if he doesn't talk to me, but I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him. He responds then saying that he's had a really hard month, his mum has been in hospital and has had a major op, that he doesn't want me to think that I was ignoring him and hopes I'm okay. At that moment I felt like the most selfish little bitch in the world, and I felt absolutely awful for him and really concerned for his mum. Straight away I apologised, telling him I hope she gets better and I hope he is okay. I suggested we catch up soon (because honestly I feel so bad I haven't been there for him through this) as he was going to bed then, he didnt respond. Ever since I've been genuinely quite worried about him. Today I felt worried again after seeing a picture of him posted today and he doesn't look himself. While I don't want to pester him, it drove me again to try initiate contact. I sent him a message asking if we could speak sometime soon when he had the chance, he read it an hour ago and hasn't responded. I've decided this will be my last try to get hold of him, as I just feel like I'm extra pressure for him on top of everything else. I still love him, I truly do. It wasnt like either of us did anything horrific for us to end, and I care about him. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel so messed up sometimes, and then other times I feel like my head is switched on and I'm doing okay. But I still love him and it does scare me a little bit because I don't want to be tricking myself with false hope, but I really wonder if he still may feel the same for me. He was always very loving and quite sensitive and worried I was going to breakup with him and run off with "another lad". And the bobbles and unchanged status, I try not to let it get to me but sometimes :\ I can see he's been online too quite a lot, as he's posted statuses and when I go online to speak to my friends he's at the top of my profile with a green online button... While I've moved on somewhat, its still hard. His friends still snapchat me. I've also just been to a job interview at his old work since he referred me to his old boss, and she's been asking about him, and his friend works there too. We are all very local and I often bump into people connected with him and it just sorta sets me off when I think about it afterwards. I've posted this because I kinda want some outside opinion. I know I haven't been brilliant through this entire thing but I'm still really confused about where this is all standing... X Edited September 15, 2013 by Cocodainty
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