Dealing with friends with loose lips

[ana0pera]

I am a very private person. I might let one or two people in on what's going on in my life but I don't broadcast this things as if I am self-important.

 

I recently told a friend that I was seeing someone, not so much because I wanted to broadcast that I have a potential boyfriend but because I needed advice on the matter, she was around, and she gives pretty good advice. This was a few weeks ago.

 

Last night I had dinner with this friend and a few other friends and out of nowhere she asks me, "how's the boy" and everyone else is like, "wait, what?!?!?!" so I had to tell them I was seeing someone. I could've changed the subject but that's kind of hard when there are three people interrogating you and these people are your friends. After that was over, she then asked if i was still speaking to another guy I had been talking to (when I sought advice from her I was deciding between two guys I liked). That was a little too much and I basically brushed the question aside.

 

Well then we go to a party with some of my really close friends (who live out of town and as a result I don't see them and talk to them as much as I should). They already know about this guy because she told them (she isn't that close to them, either) and they want to know more about him and why I haven't told them, etc. I don't mind telling them about it, they are close friends and I was going to tell them last night anyway, but I was super annoyed that this other friend took away that privilege for me, and is basically telling everyone half-truths about my life that I have to then correct.

 

This is especially annoying because she is so secretive about some people's really trivial "secrets" (like someone in our program named their pet after a professor who left our university but then came back, and now the person is super embarrassed about choosing that pet name; she refuses to tell us who this person is even though a lot of people already know, just a few of us don't) but she has no respect for my personal life. It's not like people are telling her to keep secrets either, I think she gets a sense of power out of revealing stuff and withholding stuff because she's kind of a pathetic attention whore.

 

I learned my lesson, I am obviously not going to tell her anything anymore as I can't trust her with secrets and I am pretty pissed, but this was my mistake...I should've known better. That said, I feel like I need to talk to her about this so that she doesn't continue telling people about my personal life and also so she knows that I don't respect her loose lips. She is kind of sensitive and I can be a little angry sometimes so I am trying to cool down and not yell at her about it. I feel like this is a conversation that should probably take place face-to-face instead of email though, but maybe email will suffice?

 

I don't want to blow it out of proportion but I do want her to know that my feelings are hurt and my trust is betrayed.

[darkmoon]

there is more than one person like this out there, so just talk subjects not people (including yourself) keep a secret

 

did you tell her it was hush-hush?

Edited September 15, 2013 by darkmoon

[ana0pera]

admittedly i did not say it was a secret because i felt like it would go without saying... i didn't think my love life was that interesting to others but apparently it is? but yeah, i probably shouldn't make it too big of a deal because I didn't explicilty state, 'don't tell anyone.' but i feel like i am letting her walk over me if i let it slide.

 

I am the most private of my friends. I actually ran into a group of friends/aquaintances when I was was walking to a date and they invited me to join them for dinner but i couldn't because i had plans...I told them, "I have to go now because I am meeting with a friend" and they all were like, "oh! who?" "oh, you're being elusive!" etc etc and I just blushed and ran away. She was there and knew about the guy at that point, no one else in her company did.

[writergal]

I'm curious why you chose this friend to share your private information with if you already KNOW she is selective with what information she broadcasts to your mutual social circle.

 

It's unfortunate she chose to broadcast your personal information about your new boyfriend so quickly. If you didn't tell her to keep it a secret however, then that's a good lesson for you in hindsight. Make sure to preface "don't share this information" when you do share it with people. But just know this; that won't necessarily stop people from sharing the information anyway, then later deny they shared it when you confront them.

 

If I were you, I'd downgrade her to an acquaintance and tell her absolutely nothing about what's going on in your life at all from this point forward.

 

She betrayed your trust in a serious way. She cannot be trusted in the future no matter what mea culpa b.s. she gives you ("I didn't think it was a big deal," or "you didn't tell me not to keep it a secret," etc. or some version of that b.s.).

 

Don't be afraid - ever - to tell someone how you feel about them.

 

However, when confronting a gossip never do it alone; do it with mutual friends present so as to prevent the gossiper from gossiping even more.

 

The mutual friends will be there as witnesses on your side, so that if this dumb friend tries to make you look bad after you talk to her, then she will look more foolish because of the witnesses you had there who can attest to the real conversation that took place. (Sounds like a game and yes, it is, but these situations call for tactics if you want to protect your reputation. Confronting a gossiper is tricky.)

 

Or, you can choose not to confront Ms Gossip and instead go to mutual friends; tell them that she betrayed your trust about your new boyfriend news because you weren't ready to take that information public yet. Your mutual friends will see that your friend gossiped about you and betrayed your trust. This will confirm to them not to trust her either and thus your reputation is protected in the process. This may be a better way to go.

 

Either way, just prepare yourself for her further betrayal. She will gossip about you again and again since she's done it already. Never trust someone who comes to you with gossipy news, because it's 100% guaranteed they are probably already gossiping about you behind your back.

 

In the future when you need advice, seek it outside your circle of friends from people you trust; co-workers, relatives or close family. But never confide in your friends with information you want to keep private. Most friends will just share that information with others, even if they think it's not a big deal.

Edited September 15, 2013 by writergal

[ana0pera]

I'm curious why you chose this friend to share your private information with if you already KNOW she is selective with what information she broadcasts to your mutual social circle.

 

I should've known better, but it was late, I needed some immediate advice and she was the only person I knew who could give me good advice that was actually available. She has confided some personal things in me though and I know she is going through a lot with her family, so I thought my secret would also be safe because she knows I am going through a bit of stuff right now, too. Well, lesson learned from that one!

 

Because she usually does bring these kinds of things up in a public manner (like at dinner last night) I guess next time she asks me something personal in front of our friends I will confront her about it and drop it. I don't want to make a big deal about it, I'm thinking that I will say something like "that information is private and for privileged persons who won't share it with everyone" and leaving it at that. I am going to avoid her as much as I can though and downgrade her to an acquaintance, as she was already on the periphery of "friend" anyway in my mind. It's hard though because we also work together so I see her a lot even outside of my friend circle, but oh well.

 

It's strange because if I had told one of my close friends (the ones who she told about it) and they told the other, I wouldn't have cared. That's actually sort of what happened, annoying girl told my good friend "A" who told her roommate that is also my good friend, "B." But those two know how to keep things quiet amongst themselves. If I tell "A" or "B" something I sort of expect them to tell the other one in case I didn't, that is how our friendship works.

 

I know that "A" and "B" didn't tell anyone else because when "A" asked me about it with her boyfriend standing right next to us (her boyfriend is also a good friend of mine) he was surprised and it was obviously the first time he heard about it.

 

This annoying girl just broadcasts indiscriminately when I am around and when I am not around too, apparently, which is what bothers me. It just goes to show how little respect she has for me.

[todreaminblue]

I have afriend who broadcasted in front of a male friend who was visiting, i need to get laid...i have been celibate for quite a few years so i guess that is something she should not have said as it is not something i would want to known in mixed company.....in saying that....she didnt really think it just came out....and it was not intentional that i be embarassed, she just can be pretty blunt...have been friends with her for over a decade and we have a pretty tight friendship.......i told her later it wasnt something i wanted him to know..... she was really sorry...i forgave her and its over......so i think next time you tell someone something and you dont want them to say anything you just be honest and say hey, can you please keep it to yourself......if she doesnt...theres a problem..i have bene outed before abotu beign an ex hooker...it was to my son i got outed......i forgave the person who did that......life is way too short too hodl grudges....and if you dotn want anyone to know soemthing...its probably best that you dont tell anyone until you are comfortable if it go tout....or you would accept that...in the big scheme of things i find friendship to be far more important to keep than secrets.....thats in regards to my own if they were disclosed i keep others secrets if they ask me too..........deb

[writergal]

 

This annoying girl just broadcasts indiscriminately when I am around and when I am not around too, apparently, which is what bothers me. It just goes to show how little respect she has for me.

 

Exactly. She doesn't respect you at all. And don't worry about the fact that you work in the same office as Ms Gossip. You can downgrade her to business co-worker acquaintance, and not tell her anything about your personal life anymore going forward.

 

Your friends A and B sound harmless too, since they just keep your personal life information between themselves and never broadcast it to others. They sound like good friends for you.

[whichwayisup]

admittedly i did not say it was a secret because i felt like it would go without saying... i didn't think my love life was that interesting to others but apparently it is? but yeah, i probably shouldn't make it too big of a deal because I didn't explicilty state, 'don't tell anyone.' but i feel like i am letting her walk over me if i let it slide.

 

I am the most private of my friends. I actually ran into a group of friends/aquaintances when I was was walking to a date and they invited me to join them for dinner but i couldn't because i had plans...I told them, "I have to go now because I am meeting with a friend" and they all were like, "oh! who?" "oh, you're being elusive!" etc etc and I just blushed and ran away. She was there and knew about the guy at that point, no one else in her company did.

 

Never assume!

 

Next time you tell her anything just say 'I am trusting you to not repeat this to anybody as I am a private person'. Or just never tell her anything that you don't mind gets out.

[CC12]

If I tell "A" or "B" something I sort of expect them to tell the other one in case I didn't, that is how our friendship works.

 

Then I suspect Ms. Gossip feels this is how her friendship works with you and these other friends. She probably thinks she's part of the inner circle. She's obviously mistaken, but I wouldn't be too mad about her telling your friends. She's still a gossipy *******, but I'd probably forgive this one.

 

I would be pretty pissed off about her bringing it up at dinner in front of others, though. She used your personal business in order to get a reaction. "Oh, I'll just innocently drop this little bomb right here on the table and see what everyone does!" I bet she got a smug sense of enjoyment seeing everyone go, "WHAT?! Dish, girl!" She knew that would happen.

 

I feel like this is a conversation that should probably take place face-to-face instead of email though, but maybe email will suffice?

 

If you're pretty much done being her friend, I don't really see a need to have a conversation about this. But if you want to leave it open to still being friends, have this conversation face-to-face. You're going to be saying something kind of harsh (but totally deserved) and in email it's really hard to get the tone just right.

 

i didn't think my love life was that interesting to others but apparently it is?

 

It really is, apparently, and that stood out to me. All your friends are kind of weird about your love life. They all seemed to overreact to the news of you having a date and they immediately started prying. "Who is he?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "Ooooh, you're being elusive!" Maybe it's done in good fun, but it seems strange to me.

Edited September 16, 2013 by CC12

[SubliminalSessions]

Whew...that gossip is a cunning game.

 

I don't think people 'mean' to gossip, but they just try to have conversation. I myself have started to realize I need to not confide so much in friends about my own relationship shortfalls...and just keep it to myself or between my family.

 

I watched an old movie yesterday playing called, "2 can play that game" and confiding in friends was one of the 'rules' given lol.

[ana0pera]

you know, i don't know why they are all interested in my love life. maybe because they don't have anything going on in their lives?

 

I've been avoiding this girl as much as possible (which is hard) but yesterday put the icing on the cake and i hate her now. hate is a strong word but it's my emotion regarding the whole situation. I don't want to get into what happened too much here, , but there was an incident last summer involving two students who work with me. I was in charge, but we were all adults and they did something unprofessional with each other and I didn't find out about it until after it happened. Pretty much every student knows what happened but no faculty do, as it would influence their opinion of these two students... and what happened is not illegal anywhere in the world, it was just inappropriate in the context of our trip. Well she told someone we explicitly told her NOT to tell about this event. It wasn't a true secret, but it was something that an advisor didn't need to know and it was explicitly said not to tell advisors. Well, yesterday, more than a year after this thing happened, she spilled the beans! It was relevant to a meeting they were having in another lab regarding safety so she told the story anecdotally, and the person who WAS NOT supposed to find out (my advisor, who attended this meeting...i wasn't there as I don't do work with this other lab) asked if it involved anyone in her lab. This girl, my former friend, is a horrible liar, clammed up, and then after more prodding told everything...to her credit she made it clear that I was a completely uninvolved witness who had no idea what happened until afterwards when I was told (which is exactly what happened).

 

She knows I am upset about this, she has apologized about it, and while I am not in trouble for what happened I have to rehash this awkward scenario with someone I feel awkward telling, someone who really didn't need to know about it, although I do understand why my advisor would want to know. And now I feel bad because my advisor feels like she was left out of something that honestly, she didn't need to be included in, but probably should've been included in.

 

And the WORST part of this whole thing is that the girl who did this is such a f***ing emotional mess right now (her mom is waiting for a second organ transplant in the hospital, she found out she is a carrier for the genetic disease that has her mom in the hospital and killed her grandma 20 years ago) that I CAN'T yell at her, tell her how I feel, or anything because she will break down, and even though I WANT to yell at her, I WANT her to know how unacceptable this is, I WANT her to know that I don't trust her at all, I can't say anything without feeling like a horrible person. I don't think I could hold my anger in if we had an honest talk about it.

 

What may be even worse is that her mom's health is not an excuse for this behavior. she's been doing it well before her mom's health took a plunge last month. she only found out about her own health this summer. the first instance of her sharing too much happened a year ago. She just likes to talk and doesn't think before she opens her mouth. I did tell her this yesterday when it all went down (that she needs to think about the repercussions of what she's going to say before she speaks) but I am still fuming.

 

I have to meet with my advisor something else and we'll probably have the awkward conversation as well... I talked to her today about something else and it was a bit awkward because we both knew about the elephant in the room, and then she finally brought the subject up when she had to leave. Hopefully it isn't too upsetting for me because if it is I will go off on this girl and regret it later.

 

I am sorry I had to rant, I learned my lesson (the hard way) when it comes to dealing with this girl and if anything good came out of it, there was one witness to this whole thing and knows what a blabber mouth she is. I really don't think I can be her friend or acquaintance anymore. I was willing to just be nice and hang out and not share details even if she pries, but now I don't want to even look her in the face.

[writergal]

you know, i don't know why they are all interested in my love life. maybe because they don't have anything going on in their lives?

 

I've been avoiding this girl as much as possible (which is hard) but yesterday put the icing on the cake and i hate her now. hate is a strong word but it's my emotion regarding the whole situation. I don't want to get into what happened too much here, , but there was an incident last summer involving two students who work with me. I was in charge, but we were all adults and they did something unprofessional with each other and I didn't find out about it until after it happened. Pretty much every student knows what happened but no faculty do, as it would influence their opinion of these two students... and what happened is not illegal anywhere in the world, it was just inappropriate in the context of our trip. Well she told someone we explicitly told her NOT to tell about this event. It wasn't a true secret, but it was something that an advisor didn't need to know and it was explicitly said not to tell advisors. Well, yesterday, more than a year after this thing happened, she spilled the beans! It was relevant to a meeting they were having in another lab regarding safety so she told the story anecdotally, and the person who WAS NOT supposed to find out (my advisor, who attended this meeting...i wasn't there as I don't do work with this other lab) asked if it involved anyone in her lab. This girl, my former friend, is a horrible liar, clammed up, and then after more prodding told everything...to her credit she made it clear that I was a completely uninvolved witness who had no idea what happened until afterwards when I was told (which is exactly what happened).

 

She knows I am upset about this, she has apologized about it, and while I am not in trouble for what happened I have to rehash this awkward scenario with someone I feel awkward telling, someone who really didn't need to know about it, although I do understand why my advisor would want to know. And now I feel bad because my advisor feels like she was left out of something that honestly, she didn't need to be included in, but probably should've been included in.

 

And the WORST part of this whole thing is that the girl who did this is such a f***ing emotional mess right now (her mom is waiting for a second organ transplant in the hospital, she found out she is a carrier for the genetic disease that has her mom in the hospital and killed her grandma 20 years ago) that I CAN'T yell at her, tell her how I feel, or anything because she will break down, and even though I WANT to yell at her, I WANT her to know how unacceptable this is, I WANT her to know that I don't trust her at all, I can't say anything without feeling like a horrible person. I don't think I could hold my anger in if we had an honest talk about it.

 

What may be even worse is that her mom's health is not an excuse for this behavior. she's been doing it well before her mom's health took a plunge last month. she only found out about her own health this summer. the first instance of her sharing too much happened a year ago. She just likes to talk and doesn't think before she opens her mouth. I did tell her this yesterday when it all went down (that she needs to think about the repercussions of what she's going to say before she speaks) but I am still fuming.

 

I have to meet with my advisor something else and we'll probably have the awkward conversation as well... I talked to her today about something else and it was a bit awkward because we both knew about the elephant in the room, and then she finally brought the subject up when she had to leave. Hopefully it isn't too upsetting for me because if it is I will go off on this girl and regret it later.

 

I am sorry I had to rant, I learned my lesson (the hard way) when it comes to dealing with this girl and if anything good came out of it, there was one witness to this whole thing and knows what a blabber mouth she is. I really don't think I can be her friend or acquaintance anymore. I was willing to just be nice and hang out and not share details even if she pries, but now I don't want to even look her in the face.

 

As I read this post, I was going to make that same point too, about your friend Ms Gossip. Her mother's health is no excuse for her loose lip behavior.

 

What's fortunate is that now that you've had your trust betrayed in a big way, it will be easier for you to completely detach yourself from this so-called friend. Not every friend is meant to stay in our lives, and there's no shame in knowing that. She doesn't sound like she fits in your life anymore so if you need to distance yourself from her then do so without any guilty feelings because you need to look out for yourself.