Should libido mismatch a deal breaker?

[amazingdrummer]

Im 27 and engaged to a very lovely man. Our relationship is very smooth, we rarely disagree on anything. Mostly because I let him do whatever he wants (I don't mind letting him lead). However, our relationship now is facing a big problem. My sex drive is very low and I'm happy with 1-2 times a week. I quite enjoy during the act, but I never feel like I want to initiate it. My fiance always feel upset about it since he has an extremely high sex drive. He wants me to want it, and he wants me to want it very often. I will try to give him as much as I can, but it's just too hard to "want" something I don't want.

Then, one time when I kept saying no and explained that I was not in the mood and I really couldn't do it. He became sulky and then told me "I think our relationship is wonderful, but our bedroom relationship is terrible."

I then became very upset. I know he like sex a lot, and it's so sad to know that I would not be able to satisfy him although I really want to. I learnt that a lot of marriage fail because of libido mismatch. And now I feel afraid when thinking of our future.

I don't know how we could deal with our problem if we actually enter the marriage. And I start to think maybe I'm not suitable for him.

It's very hurtful because I know he loves me a lot and really want to start a family with me.

[winterpast]

I think it depends on the person...

 

When my husband and I first started dating we were pretty mismatched. I was 18 and he was 20. He wanted it several times a week and I was just ok with 1-2 times. He never told me how bad it made him feel to constantly get turned down either...until recently.

 

I had personal reasons to why I wasn't able to perform more often. Previous relationships that were abusive, I didn't want to be vulnerable, didn't know how to enjoy it, etc.

 

He didn't nag me about it after a while, I guess he just waited for me to say when. It really did hurt him and his confidence.

 

Now he is 30 and I am 28, I am able to enjoy sex more often and feel more comfortable to initiate it also.

 

 

I don't know if sharing my experiences will help you but I hope that you two will be able to find a middle ground. If you feel like you won't be able to increase the frequency or him decrease his, then you both will need to ask yourselves if you are willing to live with this for the rest of your lives. Don't go into a marriage unless you are willing to accept each other 100%, flaws and all.

[setsenia]

I've been feeling this way as well. My husband thankfully doesn't have an absurdly high sex drive, but it does bother me that my sex drive is so low. I wish I could enjoy sex as much as anyone else.

[pteromom]

There is nothing abnormal about wanting it once or twice a week. It may not be popular to say in our over sexualized culture, but it's not abnormal.

 

As far as whether it should be a dealbreaker... probably.

 

You are always going to feel like you aren't enough for him, and he's always going to feel like you don't desire him enough and will always be frustrated at not having the sex life he dreamed of.

 

You guys can make it work through negotiation and compromise, but you both have to be open to that and accepting that you won't have everything you want in a relationship.

 

I wouldn't marry him unless and until you come to some kind of resolution.

[RBLL]

There is nothing abnormal about wanting it once or twice a week. It may not be popular to say in our over sexualized culture, but it's not abnormal.

 

As far as whether it should be a dealbreaker... probably.

 

You are always going to feel like you aren't enough for him, and he's always going to feel like you don't desire him enough and will always be frustrated at not having the sex life he dreamed of.

 

You guys can make it work through negotiation and compromise, but you both have to be open to that and accepting that you won't have everything you want in a relationship.

 

I wouldn't marry him unless and until you come to some kind of resolution.

 

Agreed. Or never marry anyone. Easier that way. I dream of getting it twice a week.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wouldn't marry him unless and until you come to some kind of resolution.

Which usually involves you pretending you want it more often or him pretending he wants it less. Neither is normally a recipe for success as resentment occurs on both sides.

 

OP, my wife and I are similarly mismatched but she consistently takes care of sexually in other ways if you get my drift. So instead of saying "no" or "I'm not in the mood" or "insert your own rejection here", she says "let's do this instead".

 

Big, big difference ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Nyla]

It depends on the couple.

 

My sex drive is slightly higher than my husband's. I would like to have sex every day, while he is fine with 4 times a week.

 

I don't think we would have a successful marriage if my husband only wanted sex 1-2 times weekly.

 

Sex is very important to me. Since I enjoy it a great deal, I like to make love often.

[dichotomy]

No one can say whats the right amount of sex to have. I suppose there are statistics which say long term married couples once (or maybe twice) a week would be normal. This is with kids. Again typically I would expect newer younger couples to have it several times a week. What I worry is if 1-2 times a week is where you are at now - after 5-7 years - or more years- and maybe kids - what might you go down to? Every other week ? once a month? ....Your husband would be crushed !

 

You bring up some interesting points as well. Wanting & feeling in the mode. On the one hand you seem to indicate you do have it when he wants it, you enjoy it once it gets going. On the other hand you mention not being in the mood and rejecting him.

 

This last part is troublesome. While you should NOT be forced to doing things you find hurtful or disrespectful - being in love and being married means giving - and compromising - when you don't "feel" like it. Beyond sex - husbands and wife should give (to an extent) to their spouse things that make the happy, bring joy. Sex does not always require intercourse or a ton of effort, At is basic in can a hand job while kissing him. ...Or maybe a little oral. Lets be honest most guys can be finished off quickly every now and then between the bigger sessions of sex.

 

A basic example of not being in the mood - is I hate musicals, by myself, and would never go - but my wife loves them, I suck it up - watch them on TV and also buy tickets for us to go to local theaters - because it makes her so happy and that makes me happy - and our marriage happy. She even participated in a local musical and I went several nights to see her perform. She knows I don't want to go necessary, but I enjoy her happiness and company - it brings us closer together and shows how I love her. Her smile, her laugh at those performances - boy it makes me smile to see her face light up ! In other words, its not my want but her wants are important to me and make me happy.

 

But this appears to be a large mismatch among you - best to work this out one way or anther noe. Nothing hurts a husband like being rejected sexually on a regular basis. You might as well tell us you don't love us - its that bad.

Edited September 16, 2013 by dichotomy

[carhill]

My sex drive is very low and I'm happy with 1-2 times a week. I quite enjoy during the act, but I never feel like I want to initiate it.

 

Is this consistent with your sexual history?

 

Have you ever initiated in the past, or desired to, with any lover?

 

Do you enjoy masturbation and/or more dominant roles in sex, even if you don't initiate?

 

Have you and he ever had any pre-marital counseling?

 

How would you characterize your communication? I ask because of this statement:

 

".....we rarely disagree on anything. Mostly because I let him do whatever he wants...."

[RBLL]

Jesus, I love pizza and I don't even want that 5 times a week. Going at it like rabbits almost every day just sounds like you're going to get bored that much quicker with each other. I'm really fortunate my guy is well matched to me in this department and isn't humping my leg 24/7 like yours apparently is.

 

OP, I feel bad for you that you have to deal with this oversexed pain in the ass sulking and acting like a child when you don't perform like a trained circus seal for him the minute he snaps his fingers. That crap gets REAL old REAL quick. He sounds like a whining little hormonal teenager when he starts his sulking and moaning about how YOU don't want sex 24 hours a day like HE does, so therefore, your 'bedroom life sucks' - and it's all your fault.

 

Screw him.

 

On second thought, don't.

 

Pizza...how funny. My favorite food is tacos, and I could eat tacos every night of the week. Some lunches too. I love sex 100 times more than tacos. My idea of paradise in the next life is a never-ending orgy. To each his or her own, I guess.

[amazingdrummer]

Is this consistent with your sexual history?

 

Have you ever initiated in the past, or desired to, with any lover?

 

Do you enjoy masturbation and/or more dominant roles in sex, even if you don't initiate?

 

Have you and he ever had any pre-marital counseling?

 

How would you characterize your communication? I ask because of this statement:

 

".....we rarely disagree on anything. Mostly because I let him do whatever he wants...."

 

I consider myself nearly asexual. Honestly, the only time i feel comfortable with sex is during my fertile period. I got several bfs before, and although I loved them, I never felt being turn on (They weren't ugly at all).

I don't masturbate, I tried it before because I read somewhere that it would help but I didn't like it at all, so I stopped.

I am a submissive person in and out of the bedroom, maybe that's why I said we often followed my fiance's decision in everything. I love him a lot, his family love me too. and I know he loves me more than everything, that's why I'm scared that I will not bring him happiness if we get married. I try to do anything to make up for it :cooking, cleaning, never nagging, always being supportive ... but for a guy who wants unlimited sex, I don't think anything could make up for it.

My fiance still believe we could work out somehow, but ....

Im afraid of losing him, but I don't know any better way to solve the prob.

[tomkat]

My wife and I had the same issue for a long while... End of the day, I accepted that she could only do what she can do, and I had to accept her for herself.

[Mr. Lucky]

End of the day, I accepted that she could only do what she can do, and I had to accept her for herself.

But therein lies the rub (pun intended ) There's lots she can do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Nyla]

Jesus, I love pizza and I don't even want that 5 times a week. Going at it like rabbits almost every day just sounds like you're going to get bored that much quicker with each other. I'm really fortunate my guy is well matched to me in this department and isn't humping my leg 24/7 like yours apparently is.

 

OP, I feel bad for you that you have to deal with this oversexed pain in the ass sulking and acting like a child when you don't perform like a trained circus seal for him the minute he snaps his fingers. That crap gets REAL old REAL quick. He sounds like a whining little hormonal teenager when he starts his sulking and moaning about how YOU don't want sex 24 hours a day like HE does, so therefore, your 'bedroom life sucks' - and it's all your fault.

 

Screw him.

 

On second thought, don't.

 

I wasn't aware that the OP's fiancé wanted sex every day. I thought it was just more often than once or twice a week, which is hardly "24 hours a day".

 

It appears that you look down on people who have higher sex drives. My husband and I have been together for six years and even though we are intimate more than 3 times a week, we have not become bored with each other.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The way you describe it, yes it is [a dealbreaker].

 

Doesn't sound at all as if you want to take responsibility; look deep inside to see why you feel this way and what you really want to do about it.

Edited September 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Cococbel]

Libido can and does change, at least for me it has. Only been with one man ( and him with me). When we married, it was three times a day, as time went on with pregnancies, babies, sickness made it look like his need was higher and yes he would sulk. As women get older they tend to peak as it has for me at least - at around 30 and 35. And he cries that he is too old for it, he is happy with 1-2 times a week. It feels like a deal breaker in a way because over the years I have placed importance on the sexual relationship, now he acts like he couldn't care less.

I think its important to think about what you are willing to do. It doesn't have to be intercourse and it certainly doesn't stay the same or get boring with the same person.

Something to consider is the more comfortable a woman is with her body and with sex, even having sex more often will lift libido I am sure whereas men have the opposite. The more they wait the more they want it, women want it less they have it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Depends...

 

Do you accept that he may very likely feel he's never satiated in the bedroom and will always be dissatisfied with this aspect of the relationship? regardless of the compromise, your sheer lack of "desire" will be disheartening.

 

Are you alright with knowing that whatever terms you come to in regards to frequency of sex, that in the end at least for now...it'll just be a loosely desired compromise? One where he will be feel a slight void.

 

Do you accept the possibility that he may completely or to a degree withdraw due to his dissatisfaction and possible resentment due to a "horrible" sex life? which may also lead him to another woman or to satiate himself with porn.

 

In the end...he might just accept it...he might just try and fight off that his dissatisfaction with it figure it's "worth the sacrifice for the rest of it" and ultimately succumb to the fact that it's no longer worth fighting over or being disappointed about it...his sex drive in time may die down or he'll just get tired of having sex with you as frequently anyway (as many men often do) as this relationship may be in the honeymoon phase anyway...which brings up the question...how long have you been together?

 

I imagine a lot of married men have made this compromise for one reason or another and If you pop out a few kids he may inclined to stick around regardless of the unsatisfactory sex life...I believe however that men who are not satisfied in the bedroom have a higher probability to cheat...because when the intimacy is bed everything else just compounds.

 

I'll know I'll probably get the whole "some men"..."my husband/boyfriend is perfectly happy with me and would never cheat"...or "you're being pessimistic!" but look, this is just what I've seen...I'm no marriage counselor or expect but I've seen far too many marriages with problems then these perfect let's die old together things. What people consider "ups and downs" or "you just gotta work through it" is always puzzling and questionable in my book, like you have to just force any relationship down that road and I guess two people are supposed to "fight for it".

 

But incompatibility is incompatibility to me, and this straight up is an incompatibility in my book and a serious one for that matter. All I'm saying is don't be "surprised" if shet hits the fan over this at some point in the relationship and he uses it to justify certain behavior or activities and what not...it's obviously going to have an emotionally/psychological impact on him so if you'd like to prove me "wrong" and you're going to have this "wonderful loving marriage because we're worth it!" kind of thing...then I'd hope you at least discuss this issue with an open heart and transparent communication, getting it all in the open now to get it settled before it sneaks up on you and bites you in the arse somewhere down the road...If he describes your bedroom life as "horrible" in my book, that's a pretty damn big red flag.

 

But that's just my opinion.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I guess the questions or intrusion on her life was just too much?

 

This is typical of some here. They post, expect validation and when faced with tough questions or looking in the mirror, run and hide.

 

Too bad as this could have been a very interesting thread.

[MissBee]

Im 27 and engaged to a very lovely man. Our relationship is very smooth, we rarely disagree on anything. Mostly because I let him do whatever he wants (I don't mind letting him lead). However, our relationship now is facing a big problem. My sex drive is very low and I'm happy with 1-2 times a week. I quite enjoy during the act, but I never feel like I want to initiate it. My fiance always feel upset about it since he has an extremely high sex drive. He wants me to want it, and he wants me to want it very often. I will try to give him as much as I can, but it's just too hard to "want" something I don't want.

Then, one time when I kept saying no and explained that I was not in the mood and I really couldn't do it. He became sulky and then told me "I think our relationship is wonderful, but our bedroom relationship is terrible."

I then became very upset. I know he like sex a lot, and it's so sad to know that I would not be able to satisfy him although I really want to. I learnt that a lot of marriage fail because of libido mismatch. And now I feel afraid when thinking of our future.

I don't know how we could deal with our problem if we actually enter the marriage. And I start to think maybe I'm not suitable for him.

It's very hurtful because I know he loves me a lot and really want to start a family with me.

 

I do think that just like compatibility matters in terms of financial views, religious views, views on family etc are important, sex is no different. I have to be with someone whose sexual style fits with mine. A relationship where the value placed on sex differs between the two or where one person feels dissatisfied and the other feels pressured doesn't seem like it will bode well for the future. Perhaps you can go to a sex therapist together to see if something can be worked out, as if this is truly the only issue, then it does seem best to try at least to work on it and see how that looks before discarding the relationship completely.

 

 

There are things which are absolute NOs for me, where there is no compromise possible; however, sex is an area I'm more flexible about and believe you can work on. Although, if it is about desire and libido, I am not sure how easy it is to fix that.

[Nyla]

I guess the questions or intrusion on her life was just too much?

 

This is typical of some here. They post, expect validation and when faced with tough questions or looking in the mirror, run and hide.

 

Too bad as this could have been a very interesting thread.

 

We don't know why the OP has left the thread. It isn't fair to make negative assumptions.