Distant boyfriend.... :'(

[academicmoss]

Hey everyone! Let me start off by apologizing for this long post and giving many thanks to everyone who reads it. I'm 31 and my boyfriend's 35. We've been together for 3 years but don't live together. We don't see each other very much during the week due to work schedules but spend the weekends together.

 

Anyway, everything in our relationship was fine until he moved out of state from Feb-July for work and since then nothing's been the same. While he was gone those 5 months my inseurity/trust issues came to the surface and we'd end up fighting almost everyday. He finally moved back in July and he's been distancing himself since. He doesn't text as often (and he was always a nonstop texter), he doesn't invite me over anymore (he always did) but instead gives me an open invitation to come anytime I want. He doesn't tell me he loves and misses me as much now either. He told me that it's because I bitch, complain and nag too much. He told me that I try acting like his mother more than a girlfriend. He actually told me last Sunday (during a fight) that he feels like he's dating a high school girl and I'm her mother bitching about what he should and shouldn't do while dating my daughter.

 

We've had a hard relationship since the start, dealt with a lot of stress from family/friends deaths/emergencies/problems, but have stuck by each other through everything. We talked about this, face to face, last Sunday and he said he's tired of my mouth, that my mouth is ruining everything. He says I've started bitching about everything and he can't handle it anymore. He told me that he got used to me bitching to the point that he doesn't want to send a text because he'll have to sit there and listen to me for hours on end rant and rave about something I've made up in my head. I asked him if he wants to break up and he said no. He also told me that he's in love with me and still loves me but that my mouth is a major problem.

 

Because of my past, and him being gone for 5 months, I started to over-think things and get this idea in my mind of what he was really doing and then it all went to hell from there. There's been a time or two where he's lied to me about his whereabouts simply to keep me from turning it around and finding some way to get mad at him for it. I understand, fully, that I've been the problem and am trying to work my issues out but him still distancing himself is keeping me from working through this. It's making me want to contact him more and ask him a million questions about us. Him pushing me away is playing into my insecurities and making things worse for me. I feel like I'm doing all the work anymore to keep us together and that he simply no longer cares.

 

His texts are few, his affection has decreased and our sex life has taken a toll. We used to have sex ALL the time, anywhere and everywhere, and now it's not like that. He hardly ever comes onto me anymore and this is a man who LOVES seeing me naked in a fully lit bedroom and gets overly excited if I just shake my boobs. Now it's as if it takes an act of congress for him to get turned on around me, and I know this an emotional thing due to my mouth. He said str8 out my mouth is even ruining our sex life. We still have sex but it's not the same. The times he *does* initiate it it feels like we're both really bored, not into it and doing it "just because". It's hard to explain but I know some of you know what I'm talking about.

 

He said last week he loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn't know how to "change back" into how he used to be when I was drilling him constantly. I've started to journal and it's been helping me A LOT. I've backed off and have let him initiate the contact, but it's still few. I haven't saw him since last Sunday due to his work schedule. I don't know what to do here. I'm sorry for my actions and am working on my issues. He wants me to go back to that giggly, bubbly girl I was before he left. She's in here, but him distancing himself is making it hard to bring her back out. I don't want to lose him but I don't what to do now.

 

He'll text me and say "i love you" or "i miss you" and then I won't hear from him again for a day or so and he won't just come out and ask me over. The last I heard from him was last night, he text me one time yesterday and it was at 6:30pm and said "i'll be getting home around 745 if you want to come over and stay but i'm ****in' beat and will be goin to bed early. or you can come in the morning. it dont matter to me either way but be prepared to go to bed early if you come tonight". I was understanding and said "nah, it's alright. get some rest. holla at me in the morning if you aren't working and i'll come spend the day with you".. and of course, he hasn't text me today. He SAYS he loves/misses me. He SAYS he doesn't want to break up but he's distancing himself WHILE saying this. I'm pulling back and trying to let go a little bit but I don't feel like he's coming back to me. Please don't be mean 'cause I'm really heartbroken.

[heartshaped]

Don't take this the wrong way, but have you considered seeking professional help? It seems like by your own admittance you have insecurity issues that are severely affecting your relationship. Has this sort of thing been a problem for you in the past? Whether this relationship works or not I think you really need to put some effort into self-improvement.

[Quiet Storm]

You can't depend on others constantly for reassurance.

 

It sounds like the relationship is not fun for him anymore (or for you).

 

Being with an insecure person can feel like a chore because you are constantly having to reassure them or build them up. People like this make you feel responsible for their feelings. In a relationship, you want to be able to express your feelings freely. With an insecure person, this can create a "walking on eggshells" feeling that leads to avoidance.

 

You don't sound very happy, either. Insecurity isn't something that will just fade away because you want it to. You need to find other ways to cope. Looking for him for constant reaassurance, assuming the worst, accusing him.... those are unhealthy ways of coping with your insecurities. A counselor should be able to teach you healthier ways of coping.

 

Also, just because you are insecure doesn't mean that you don't have a valid reason to be concerned. You should be concerned about his actions, his decreased contact, his avoidance, lack of sex. These are valid worries. However, panicking and acting needy won't resolve the issues, it will just give him more of a reason to withdrawal. You need to find ways to strengthen your bond, not weaken it.

 

What concerns me is his statement that he doesn't know how to "change back" into how he used to be. That is what I call a "can't unring the bell" statement. It makes me think that he has already decided that you have issues & are not compatible. If he has lost respect and the desire to be caring & supportive of you, then that is a big problem. If he wants to be with you, then he needs to be helpful & supportive. He needs to show that he really wants & needs you to get better. Indifference, avoidance and distance are not discouraging for you. I think a caring partner that was invested in the outcome of this relationship would be more helpful & encouraging.

[Els]

OP, I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't. Pulling a relationship out of this vicious cycle is extremely tough, especially when you're simultaneously trying to deal with mental health issues (which, by the way, I salute you for doing - that in itself isn't easy either!). It's understandable that he's feeling the way he's feeling, and it's understandable that you're unhappy about it.

 

IMO, all you can do at this point is to continue to work on yourself and give it time. I'm not advocating putting up with it forever, but from the way your post reads, I assume that the 5-month rut was pretty recent? In that case, probably give it a month or two, show him you're working on it, and simultaneously observe whether or not HE slowly starts to put in the effort to meet you in the middle. Be the one to break the vicious cycle.

 

If a couple of months go by and you still feel like you're singlehandedly trying to hold your R up with zero contribution from him, it may be time for a final talk and decision.