My Two-Night Stand Is Back To Haunt Me, and I'm Engaged...

[LilSophie1984]

First, I want to apologize if this was put in the wrong area...I really wasn't sure which category to place it in. Second, I want to apologize if this is lengthy, but to really get a feel for the situation, you might need to know the details in full.

 

I've been engaged since July 2012, and our wedding is in May 2014. (Been together since February 2011.) Before we became engaged, my fiance had a serious drinking problem. We went back and forth all the time, and I ended up breaking up with him. To him, it was just a "break"; to me, honestly? I didn't know what it was, I just knew I couldn't go on in a relationship full of his lies about his drinking. Shortly after that, I became close with a guy I knew from work. (Although we didn't work together in the same facility--he worked down the street from me, but was a trainer at my job.) I hung out with him a few times, and he spilled his whole sob story to me about his ex-wife, how she was manipulative, controlling, and *biggest shock of my life* they never consummated their 12 year marriage! (But he wasn't a virgin by any means, as he'd had girlfriends before her.) Anyhow, one of the times we got together, we ended up having sex...it was probably the best sex I'd had in a long time. He got overly emotional right afterward, starting to cry like a baby, and apologizing. Well, I didn't know what to say, but I let him cry it out and then took off. About a week later, I spent the night at his house--we had great sex again, this time minus the tears. After those two nights we spent together, everything went downhill...I would try to text him, even showed up a couple of times (unannounced, BIG mistake) and he distanced himself to the point where he more-or-less told me he was scared of me and to leave him alone...Which, for some reason, completely baffled and hurt my feelings immensely, as I thought he must've felt close enough to me that he would tell me (and nobody else, he swore me up and down to secrecy) that he'd never even made love to his ex-wife.

 

About a month-and-a-half later, my (then boyfriend, now fiance) and I reunited. He'd sought help for his drinking, and we managed to work things out. We moved in together, and now we are engaged. But my guilt got the best of me, because the entire time I was broken up with him, my boyfriend/now fiance thought it was just a short break. I ended up admitting to him, sobbing, that I slept with the guy from work. He was actually A LOT more understanding about it than I expected he would be. Don't get me wrong, he was hurt, but he never yelled, called me names, or mistrusted me after the fact. Now, flash-forward to a few days ago...

 

Mr.Two-Night-Emotional-Train-Wreck texts me, OUT OF THE BLUE, with, "I can't stop thinking about you tonight. I'm sorry." WTF?! I wasn't mad, but I was completely caught off guard nevertheless, and the past kinda just came flooding back. So I sent him a message back asking, "Why, what about?" And he continued on with, "I keep thinking back to that night we shared--I wish we'd made love one last time. Don't tell your fiance!" This dialogue went sort of back and forth, and, I'm ashamed and EXTREMELY guilty to admit...but, he kinda sexted me the rest of the day while I was at work. I wasn't sexting back, but, I also wasn't discouraging it, either. (Part of me is still very sexually-attracted to him.) The last message I sent to him was around 7 o'clock at night, and I asked him was his fantasy was...BAM.BOOM. All communication ceased to exist from that point on. I let about two hours go by, then I texted him saying, "Well, nice to hear from you, have a good night." Next day: NOTHING. Following day: NOTHING. I know I shouldn't have, but I sent him a couple of non-chalant texts, one about Friday the 13th, and one about the baseball game. Still haven't heard anything from him. He still has me on his Facebook, but I've had no replies from him.

 

Now, I KNOW I shouldn't be worried about this in the least...I KNOW I shouldn't let this get to me...I KNOW I'm engaged to be married...But it bothered me. It bothered me a lot. Why would he completely ignore my texts after HE initiated contact to begin with? Do you think he finally grew a set of morals and decided it was in both our interests to stop what he was doing? (Although, HE KNEW I wasn't completely broken up the first time we actually had sex, and that didn't stop him then.) What should I do? And should I tell my current fiance what's going on? By the way, I think the main reason this is bugging me is because, even though I'm IN LOVE with my fiance, I am not sexually-attracted to him. But I am to the other guy. Anybody have any advice? Please and thank you!

 

--Little Sophie

[winterpast]

I hung out with him a few times, and he spilled his whole sob story to me about his ex-wife, how she was manipulative, controlling, and *biggest shock of my life* they never consummated their 12 year marriage!

--You really believe this?

 

(But he wasn't a virgin by any means, as he'd had girlfriends before her.) Anyhow, one of the times we got together, we ended up having sex...it was probably the best sex I'd had in a long time. He got overly emotional right afterward, starting to cry like a baby, and apologizing. Well, I didn't know what to say, but I let him cry it out and then took off. About a week later, I spent the night at his house--we had great sex again, this time minus the tears.

 

After those two nights we spent together, everything went downhill...I would try to text him, even showed up a couple of times (unannounced, BIG mistake) and he distanced himself to the point where he more-or-less told me he was scared of me and to leave him alone...Which, for some reason, completely baffled and hurt my feelings immensely, as I thought he must've felt close enough to me that he would tell me (and nobody else, he swore me up and down to secrecy) that he'd never even made love to his ex-wife.

--He didn't feel close enough to tell you this, he feed you a sob story to get into your pants. He pushed you away because he got what he wanted and you are no longer something to chase after.

 

About a month-and-a-half later, my (then boyfriend, now fiance) and I reunited. He'd sought help for his drinking, and we managed to work things out. We moved in together, and now we are engaged. But my guilt got the best of me, because the entire time I was broken up with him, my boyfriend/now fiance thought it was just a short break. I ended up admitting to him, sobbing, that I slept with the guy from work. He was actually A LOT more understanding about it than I expected he would be. Don't get me wrong, he was hurt, but he never yelled, called me names, or mistrusted me after the fact.

--You have a second chance with him, not everyone gets that after a break up...

 

Now, flash-forward to a few days ago...

 

Mr.Two-Night-Emotional-Train-Wreck texts me, OUT OF THE BLUE, with, "I can't stop thinking about you tonight. I'm sorry." WTF?! I wasn't mad, but I was completely caught off guard nevertheless, and the past kinda just came flooding back. So I sent him a message back asking, "Why, what about?" And he continued on with, "I keep thinking back to that night we shared--I wish we'd made love one last time. Don't tell your fiance!"

--He's trying to see how much of a challenge he has. You're taken and he wants something he can't have.

 

This dialogue went sort of back and forth, and, I'm ashamed and EXTREMELY guilty to admit...but, he kinda sexted me the rest of the day while I was at work. I wasn't sexting back, but, I also wasn't discouraging it, either. (Part of me is still very sexually-attracted to him.) The last message I sent to him was around 7 o'clock at night, and I asked him was his fantasy was...BAM.BOOM. All communication ceased to exist from that point on. I let about two hours go by, then I texted him saying, "Well, nice to hear from you, have a good night." Next day: NOTHING. Following day: NOTHING. I know I shouldn't have, but I sent him a couple of non-chalant texts, one about Friday the 13th, and one about the baseball game. Still haven't heard anything from him. He still has me on his Facebook, but I've had no replies from him.

--Because you bought into it! The second he knew you were caught in his web is the second he lost interest. Or, you aren't the only girl he is playing these games with and got busy with them.

 

Now, I KNOW I shouldn't be worried about this in the least...I KNOW I shouldn't let this get to me...I KNOW I'm engaged to be married...But it bothered me. It bothered me a lot. Why would he completely ignore my texts after HE initiated contact to begin with?

--That's his game, you feed his ego, you won't hear from him, he gets bored, texts you, you feed his ego.... and around it goes.

 

Do you think he finally grew a set of morals and decided it was in both our interests to stop what he was doing? (Although, HE KNEW I wasn't completely broken up the first time we actually had sex, and that didn't stop him then.)

--If he had any morals then he wouldn't text you and then say "oh, don't tell your fiance!"

 

What should I do?

--Cut off contact and block him, even if you were single. This guy is playing you.

 

And should I tell my current fiance what's going on?

--Not sure, someone else needs to answer that.

 

By the way, I think the main reason this is bugging me is because, even though I'm IN LOVE with my fiance, I am not sexually-attracted to him. But I am to the other guy. Anybody have any advice? Please and thank you!

--You need to stop playing around with Mr.Playboy and figure out why you want to marry your fiance. You need to really think about how fair it is to marry someone you are not sexually attracted to. If it is this easy to almost have an affair with another man then you have no business getting married.

 

--Little Sophie

Edited September 15, 2013 by winterpast

[Purepony]

I hung out with him a few times, and he spilled his whole sob story to me about his ex-wife, how she was manipulative, controlling, and *biggest shock of my life* they never consummated their 12 year marriage!

--You really believe this?

 

(But he wasn't a virgin by any means, as he'd had girlfriends before her.) Anyhow, one of the times we got together, we ended up having sex...it was probably the best sex I'd had in a long time. He got overly emotional right afterward, starting to cry like a baby, and apologizing. Well, I didn't know what to say, but I let him cry it out and then took off. About a week later, I spent the night at his house--we had great sex again, this time minus the tears.

 

After those two nights we spent together, everything went downhill...I would try to text him, even showed up a couple of times (unannounced, BIG mistake) and he distanced himself to the point where he more-or-less told me he was scared of me and to leave him alone...Which, for some reason, completely baffled and hurt my feelings immensely, as I thought he must've felt close enough to me that he would tell me (and nobody else, he swore me up and down to secrecy) that he'd never even made love to his ex-wife.

--He didn't feel close enough to tell you this, he feed you a sob story to get into your pants. He pushed you away because he got what he wanted and you are no longer something to chase after.

 

About a month-and-a-half later, my (then boyfriend, now fiance) and I reunited. He'd sought help for his drinking, and we managed to work things out. We moved in together, and now we are engaged. But my guilt got the best of me, because the entire time I was broken up with him, my boyfriend/now fiance thought it was just a short break. I ended up admitting to him, sobbing, that I slept with the guy from work. He was actually A LOT more understanding about it than I expected he would be. Don't get me wrong, he was hurt, but he never yelled, called me names, or mistrusted me after the fact.

--You have a second chance with him, not everyone gets that after a break up...

 

Now, flash-forward to a few days ago...

 

Mr.Two-Night-Emotional-Train-Wreck texts me, OUT OF THE BLUE, with, "I can't stop thinking about you tonight. I'm sorry." WTF?! I wasn't mad, but I was completely caught off guard nevertheless, and the past kinda just came flooding back. So I sent him a message back asking, "Why, what about?" And he continued on with, "I keep thinking back to that night we shared--I wish we'd made love one last time. Don't tell your fiance!"

--He's trying to see how much of a challenge he has. You're taken and he wants something he can't have.

 

This dialogue went sort of back and forth, and, I'm ashamed and EXTREMELY guilty to admit...but, he kinda sexted me the rest of the day while I was at work. I wasn't sexting back, but, I also wasn't discouraging it, either. (Part of me is still very sexually-attracted to him.) The last message I sent to him was around 7 o'clock at night, and I asked him was his fantasy was...BAM.BOOM. All communication ceased to exist from that point on. I let about two hours go by, then I texted him saying, "Well, nice to hear from you, have a good night." Next day: NOTHING. Following day: NOTHING. I know I shouldn't have, but I sent him a couple of non-chalant texts, one about Friday the 13th, and one about the baseball game. Still haven't heard anything from him. He still has me on his Facebook, but I've had no replies from him.

--Because you bought into it! The second he knew you were caught in his web is the second he lost interest. Or, you aren't the only girl he is playing these games with and got busy with them.

 

Now, I KNOW I shouldn't be worried about this in the least...I KNOW I shouldn't let this get to me...I KNOW I'm engaged to be married...But it bothered me. It bothered me a lot. Why would he completely ignore my texts after HE initiated contact to begin with?

--That's his game, you feed his ego, you won't hear from him, he gets bored, texts you, you feed his ego.... and around it goes.

 

Do you think he finally grew a set of morals and decided it was in both our interests to stop what he was doing? (Although, HE KNEW I wasn't completely broken up the first time we actually had sex, and that didn't stop him then.)

--If he had any morals then he wouldn't text you and then say "oh, don't tell your fiance!"

 

What should I do?

--Cut off contact and block him, even if you were single. This guy is playing you.

 

And should I tell my current fiance what's going on?

--Not sure, someone else needs to answer that.

 

By the way, I think the main reason this is bugging me is because, even though I'm IN LOVE with my fiance, I am not sexually-attracted to him. But I am to the other guy. Anybody have any advice? Please and thank you!

--You need to stop playing around with Mr.Playboy and figure out why you want to marry your fiance. You need to really think about how fair it is to marry someone you are not sexually attracted to. If it is this easy to almost have an affair with another man then you have no business getting married.

 

--Little Sophie

 

 

Wow! I dont think anybody can put it better than this!

[heartshaped]

Things will never work with your fiancé. Your texting this man only solidifies that. You aren't sexually attracted to him. Trust me, you need to be married to someone you are sexually attracted to or it only will spell disaster later on.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Purepony has the truth of it very likely. Now you are lying to your fiancé (hey it's deceit, don't dress it up). You may not intend to be bad but you are being a fool.

[Babolat]

Now, I KNOW I shouldn't be worried about this in the least...I KNOW I shouldn't let this get to me...I KNOW I'm engaged to be married...But it bothered me. It bothered me a lot. Why would he completely ignore my texts after HE initiated contact to begin with? Do you think he finally grew a set of morals and decided it was in both our interests to stop what he was doing? (Although, HE KNEW I wasn't completely broken up the first time we actually had sex, and that didn't stop him then.) What should I do? And should I tell my current fiance what's going on? By the way, I think the main reason this is bugging me is because, even though I'm IN LOVE with my fiance, I am not sexually-attracted to him. But I am to the other guy. Anybody have any advice? Please and thank you!

 

--Little Sophie

 

All you are worried about is his ingnoring your texts? Really? Did it occur to you that you are engaged and you are sexting another man?

 

Not sexually attracted to your soon to be husband? Then get out, now.

[todreaminblue]

Dont marry a man you cant imagine yourself making love with for a very very long time because it is a recipe for infidelity, repeated infidelity on your behalf and an extremely unhappy husband who doesnt have the wife he should have...ends in divorce....point for getting married was.....

 

 

to divorce?

 

 

or to stay married for now and forever?...

 

 

you know which one it is ...you would have to say the vows in front of people you love and god above......dont make your marriage a travesty of infidelity and misery for you or your intended...... let him go.....if you truly loved him you would do the best by him...let him go.....

 

 

you are more interested in the guy who texts you than your fiancee who forgave you and treated you with respect and understanding.

 

 

or what i call real love.......that is pretty sad in my book...you will see that later......i really hope you do the right thing before its too late....be good to your fiancee .....either be faithful to him and see the man you are engaged too as the only guy you will share a bed with,appreciate who he is and love that guy in and out of the bedroom with no others on the side....or quit now.....deb

Edited September 16, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Mr. Lucky]

By the way, I think the main reason this is bugging me is because, even though I'm IN LOVE with my fiance, I am not sexually-attracted to him. But I am to the other guy. Anybody have any advice? Please and thank you!

 

--Little Sophie

Here's what I don't understand about these situations and I'm trying to look at it only from your standpoint - why get married ???

 

Why lock yourself into something that clearly won't work for you when you have other needs and interests that you obviously intend on pursuing?

 

Makes no sense to me at all...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited September 16, 2013 by Mr. Lucky

[William]

As this new member hasn't visited the forum in awhile and has not responded to this thread, I'll close it up and invite them to alert us if/when they wish to add more comments and/or respond to postings here. Thanks for your participation.