overseas2004 Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 I have been dating this guy off and on for about 3 months. We saw each other a few times and he asked me alot of serious questions but nothing happened sexually at all. I had all but given up on him and stopped calling. He called from time to time but I kept my cool. Last week, he called to ask me out. because he gave me no time to get ready for our date and I was tired I turned him down. I only have to add that I really like him and think we are well suited for each other. But there was some mystery to all of this and I wanted to find out what it was about. On Friday I called him and asked him out. He agreed and came and picked me up. We went and had drinks and then he suggested dinner. During this time he mentioned his divorce and how it was pretty ugly. He told me he doesnt believe in love anymore and that while he agrees that this is the only way to have a family he thinks it unnatural to be with someone until death do you part. I let the comment slide, I wanted to see what else was going to happen that evening. He walked me back to the house and in front of my door, he said goodbye. I invited him in instead. This was not my usual practice. I had kept him at a distance before, but I decided to push the envelope with him. He came in and we watched a movie and he fell asleep on my couch. At 5 am we both woke up and I found his hand on my arm. He started to carress me. Then he moved to start kissing me. Before I knew it he was taking of my pants. I stopped him and asked him to tell me why nothing had happened before. He resisted at first. So I told him that nothing would happen if he refused to be honest with me. I got up and went to my bed. He followed me in the bedroom. At this point a discussion ensued in which he told me that he didnt have time for a relationship. I told him that was crap. He then confessed that he has a woman he has been seeing for two years, that she lives two hours away and that she is fun to be with BUT that they are not a couple ... she is not as educated, or intelligent, or cultured. He summed it up by saying ''she is not my match in any way''. He also said that he thought about having a serious relationship with me but that he felt that my American nationality was a problem. He felt that if he married me, I may want to go back to the States one day. If I do, I may take our children with us. I stopped his rantings and told him. You are a big coward and that is all. You and I have had plenty of opportunity to see that we are well suited for each other in every way. You are with the woman you are with because it is comfortable. You dont have to worry about losing her. But you havent really gained anything. You are traumatized by your divorce and you have no courage to do things the right way. To be with someone you are proud of. I asked him does your daughter or your family know your girlfriend. He said no. I said... well that says alot. You arent even proud of who you are with. I said you may even marry this woman one day, but what will end up happening with that is another divorce. You will be in the hole even more and you may even end up hurting another child. I said I cant be with you in any other way but the way I want it to be. I want to love you and I want you to love me. If you have the courage to do that we can see each other again. If you dont then stay in the world you have made for yourself. He got really quiet and said nothing. He looked at the ground and blushed. We fell asleep and at some point in the night he put his arms around me. Unfortunately the next morning I did what was natural and I made love to him. I had tried so hard to exclude this from the equation but I couldnt because I like him and I am human. He left at 3 pm yesterday. We had coffee together and he talked to me more .. .he wanted more advice, but I told him that I couldnt say anything smarter than I had already said. He left and that was yesterday and I dont know what is going to happen. Is he going to call?. Did I send him a mixed signal by sleeping with him. What is next? What should I do if he wants to see me again. HELP
Merin Posted November 21, 2004 Posted November 21, 2004 What!? This guy is recently divorced OR going through a divorce.. he has another woman he's been with for 2 years, and he's trying to persue something with you as well?! There are so many things here that aren't okay.. Let me start with this.. when someone tells you they don't believe in being faithful to one person.. BELIEVE THEM. Secondly.. isn't it interesting that the woman he was married to or is still married to in his mind is the one who's flawed? The entire divorce seems in his mind to have been all her and he takes no responsibility for what his actions may have been.. then theres the other woman he's been seeing for 2 years.. again he tells you how SHE is flawed.. she isn't this and isn't that.. hmmm.. notice he doesn't say any of this could be HIM?! Not to mention the fact he is STILL seeing her whilst out with you Don't think for a minute that you're the exception to his rule here.. don't you wonder what he says about you when he's with his girlfriend of 2 years? Third thing.. the two of you had been dating off and on for a few months.. not exclusively and not even consistently.. so even though IMO this guy is a player even if he was all about you and only you.. I think it was way to early in the relationship especially considering the two of you had not been dating exclusive or consistent to have started ANY conversations about "IF we get married" or "IF we have children" and I think his "reasoning" for telling you he doesn't want a serious relationship with you is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! He says its because one day you might want to leave to the states and take the children the two of you DON'T EVEN HAVE together back with you.. what a bunch of crap! The reason is the one he already stated when the two of you went to dinner.. which is, it's HIS belief that monogamy is unnatural. So.. did you give him mixed signals.. well honestly the message I got from it is, You know he has someone else in his life (shoot for all you know several someone elses) and you know he doesn't believe in being with just one person, you know he isn't in love with you, you know he isn't going to nor did he promise to date you exclusively BUT you're still willing to sleep with him. Will he call you again... probably eventually on HIS timetable. Should you go out with him again.. thats all up to you.. but IF you decide to.. know you're more than likely never going to get what you want in this "relationship" he isn't offering anything. Good Luck
Author overseas2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Hi Merin Thanks for being real with me. I have spent several hours thinking about how to change his mind about me. Ridiculous. I should not even answer his call. He is a loser at 42 years old...
Author overseas2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Author Posted November 22, 2004 Hi Merin Thanks for being real with me. I have spent several hours thinking about how to change his mind about me. Ridiculous. I should not even answer his call. He is a loser at 42 years old... Oh by the way he got divorced about 4 years ago...
Merin Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by overseas2004 Hi Merin Thanks for being real with me. I have spent several hours thinking about how to change his mind about me. Ridiculous. I should not even answer his call. He is a loser at 42 years old... Oh by the way he got divorced about 4 years ago... You're welcome... He is a loser.. and you WILL do better!
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