He forgot my birthday. How do I handle?

[kiley22]

I've been dating this guy for the past 3 months long distance. He knew my birthday was coming up and sent me a happy early birthday video message about a week before. It was a cute video of him on a plane with his mom on their way to an annual family trip.

 

A week later, he calls and leaves me a voicemail saying that if memory serves him, my birthday was coming up and that he wished me happiness, joy, and all the things I want for myself and that he missed me terribly. I called him back and left a voicemail but he didn't pick up or return my call.

 

He texted me on my actual birthday but DID NOT remember it was my birthday. I didn't mention it was my birthday because I wanted to see if he plain forgot or just mixed up the dates. The entire weekend has gone by and I haven't received a happy birthday message from him. He's Jewish and it's Yom Kippur so maybe that's why. It's really hurtful that he knew it was coming up but forgot the actual day.

 

Do I contact him and tell him that I'm hurt that he forgot or wait for him to contact me and casually mention it? It's now 2 days past my birthday. It's so unlike him as he's sent me flowers on two occasions but for my birthday...nothing.

 

Please advise. I really could use your input.

Edited September 15, 2013 by kiley22

[nescafe1982]

Three months in? And he made two gestures in the days before your birthday? And you're long-distance (meaning he couldn't have taken you out to dinner or something?) Also, he sends you flowers?!?!

 

I don't know. I wouldn't make as big a deal out of this. He made some effort before the actual day, and he sounds like a good dude otherwise. If you're really feeling miffed you might mention it, something under the guise of "I did X and Y on my birthday last Saturday.." but I would not pick this as my battle.

[HokeyReligions]

Omg. IMHO You are overreacting. He did not forget. Did you wish him happy yom Kippur?

 

If remembering your birthday ON your birthday is a top priority to you let him know. If your priorities / deal-breakers are not aligned to the satisfaction of both your relationship doesnt stand a chance.

[stillafool]

Hello Virgo! It was Yom Kippur on Saturday and he is with his family celebrating this holy holiday. I would let it go and see if he remembers later on. Otherwise, I would just mention what I did on my birthday and watch his response of how he missed it. You have only been dating 3 months so I wouldn't make such a big deal of it. When is his birthday?

[kiley22]

Hello Virgo! It was Yom Kippur on Saturday and he is with his family celebrating this holy holiday. I would let it go and see if he remembers later on. Otherwise, I would just mention what I did on my birthday and watch his response of how he missed it. You have only been dating 3 months so I wouldn't make such a big deal of it. When is his birthday?

 

Thanks, all. Yes, I'm sure Yom Kippur had a big deal to do with it. I'll take your advice and send him a pic from my birthday night and say it was on Thursday. Do I tell him I was hurt that he didn't remember the actual day or just drop it? He's done so many sweet things, this doesn't negate it all...but I was a little hurt the day didn't cross his mind.

[FitChick]

He already acknowledged your birthday earlier, probably because he knew he wouldn't get a chance over the holidays. You will seem ungrateful and self-centered if you mention you were hurt. You've been given excellent advice above to mention it in passing, like "What did you do on Yom Kippur? My friends treated me to dinner on my birthday" or whatever you did. THEN DROP IT!

 

Are you both Jewish? You sound very young.

[kiley22]

He already acknowledged your birthday earlier, probably because he knew he wouldn't get a chance over the holidays. You will seem ungrateful and self-centered if you mention you were hurt. You've been given excellent advice above to mention it in passing, like "What did you do on Yom Kippur? My friends treated me to dinner on my birthday" or whatever you did. THEN DROP IT!

 

Are you both Jewish? You sound very young.

 

Well he actually texted me on my birthday and asked how I was and mentioned he was exhausted from work. It slipped his mind that it was that day and I didn't bring it up because I wanted to wait and see if he had the dates mixed up or if he just forgot. But I agree with everyone...there's just been other issues i have with the relationship that I'm not happy with and so him forgetting doesn't help. I'm glad I came here first to get some sense talked into me! No.. I'm not Jewish.

[gaius]

Don't be like Neville Chamberlain. If you don't do something he will just assume he has the right to ignore you whenever he wants. I didn't send something to my ex the first birthday of hers we were together just to see if I could get away with it and the next time we talked she told me how bummed out she was. Which only made me respect her more.

 

The fact it coincided with yom kippur should have only made it easier for him to remember. And to be honest he probably did, but just decided not to do anything.

[FitChick]

I wouldn't let my boyfriend forget my birthday, intentionally or not. A week or two before I'd be saying things like "That would be a nice place to go for dinner on my birthday. What do you think?"

 

I don't see the point of making someone you supposedly like pass "tests". It stinks of immaturity and ultimately backfires.

[kiley22]

Don't be like Neville Chamberlain. If you don't do something he will just assume he has the right to ignore you whenever he wants. I didn't send something to my ex the first birthday of hers we were together just to see if I could get away with it and the next time we talked she told me how bummed out she was. Which only made me respect her more.

 

The fact it coincided with yom kippur should have only made it easier for him to remember. And to be honest he probably did, but just decided not to do anything.

 

So how do you think I should go about calling him out on it in a classy way? He did already wish me happy early birthday twice. He just didn't say it on the day. But he hasn't mentioned doing anything for it or when we're going to see each other again. That's the other kicker.

[Gottabestrong]

Kiley, is it possible that he mixed up the dates? From your original post it sounds to me like he congratulated you 'for' your birthday twice. One week before and then 7 days later on what he thought was your birthday. Did you reply with something like: 'Thanks babe, but you do know that my birthday is actually tomorrow, right?' If not, then he might just have mixed up the dates. I would not be disappointed or hurt, he probably thought he wished you a happy birthday on the correct day.

 

I am Jewish too and celebrate Yom Kippur, but if your birthday was on Thursday the holiday should not have interfered with it since Yom Kippur started Friday night.

 

Either way, don't worry about it, him sending you two birthday messages is very sweet and thoughtful. It is a pity he did not send them on the actual day, but I am sure that was not done on purpose. He sounds like a sweet guy.

[Dallers]

This right here, is what the F is wrong with this world.

 

If you called me out on it I would laugh and leave. 3 months...

[Moe'sTavern]

Wow people are rude lol.

 

3 Months is not that long but still...

 

When me and my ex were only dating one month I remembered his bday.

 

I'd be a little upset...

As I'm sure any of you would be.

I could care less if anyone I was dating remembered my birthday or not. But that's because it's not a big deal to me.

[ltjg45]

I could care less if anyone I was dating remembered my birthday or not. But that's because it's not a big deal to me.

 

Same here. My birthday is tomorrow and I doubt anyone who actually knows would remember.

 

It just isn't a big deal to me. The last time I had a birthday worth remembering was 6 years ago.

 

I would remember my partner's birthday since it means so much to her but, to me, I could care less if she forgets.

 

Correction: Someone in another country actually wished me a Happy Birthday on my FB wall a few hours ago, which I certainly didn't see that coming.

[kiley22]

Umm...3 months of "dating" long distance - does this mean you two have never even met in person, and your 'relationship' is all online via Skype and your cell phones?

 

If that's the case, then why does it even matter in the grand scheme of things? It's not like you can make him sleep in the guest room for 3 nights. And if you're that disappointed with him, then get a cyber divorce.

 

No smart ass. We've been out on 5 dates and he's come out to see me twice.

[Dallers]

Same here. My birthday is tomorrow and I doubt anyone who actually knows would remember.

 

It just isn't a big deal to me. The last time I had a birthday worth remembering was 6 years ago.

 

I would remember my partner's birthday since it means so much to her but, to me, I could care less if she forgets.

 

Correction: Someone in another country actually wished me a Happy Birthday on my FB wall a few hours ago, which I certainly didn't see that coming.

 

Happy Birthday for tomorrow.

 

I won't be contacting you on the day.

[kiley22]

Same here. My birthday is tomorrow and I doubt anyone who actually knows would remember.

 

It just isn't a big deal to me. The last time I had a birthday worth remembering was 6 years ago.

 

I would remember my partner's birthday since it means so much to her but, to me, I could care less if she forgets.

 

Correction: Someone in another country actually wished me a Happy Birthday on my FB wall a few hours ago, which I certainly didn't see that coming.

 

Happy Birthday to you tomorrow!

[gaius]

So how do you think I should go about calling him out on it in a classy way? He did already wish me happy early birthday twice. He just didn't say it on the day. But he hasn't mentioned doing anything for it or when we're going to see each other again. That's the other kicker.

Maybe he was trying to tell you something. But who knows. I would just be honest and mention you were kind of disappointed you didn't hear from him on the day and no plans were made. From my experience Jewish men seem to prefer stronger women anyway so voicing your opinion might be preferable. Or perhaps it will just hasten what's already coming.

[MidwestUSA]

So, he does so many sweet things.....

 

But, there are other issues in the relationship that you're not happy with. Sounds like you want to use the birthday as an excuse to dig into those other issues. The first three posters gave you great advice, but you're persistent. Why not tell us what the real issues are?

[kiley22]

So, he does so many sweet things.....

 

But, there are other issues in the relationship that you're not happy with. Sounds like you want to use the birthday as an excuse to dig into those other issues. The first three posters gave you great advice, but you're persistent. Why not tell us what the real issues are?

 

That's so insightful for you to pickup MidWestUSA and why I love this forum.

 

I've had concerns about the relationship from the beginning because he is a public figure, travels almost every week of year for work and is at a busy time in his career. I don't want to be the girl that feels like I'm adding pressure to his life by asking when am I going to see you again. We had a discussion about it and he told me to look into his eyes and that he would fight for it and that I was worth it. That he hadn't met anyone in a long time that made him feel the way I do.

 

We spent some time when he was out here last for work. He said that he would come me again the following week to prove it and give me all the reassurance I needed. He lives in the East coast. I'm on the West. Long story short, one week has now turned into 4 weeks. He tried to fly me out one weekend but work obligations came up beyond his control. We play phone tag because we're both busy. I haven't even had a phone conversation with him in these 4 weeks but he makes me sweet video messages every week to show me what he's up to.

 

As for forgetting my birthday, I took a Loveshackers advice and texted him yesterday and told him what I did for it. I didn't tell him I was hurt he forgot. He sent a nice message back and told him to forgive him for not calling on the day and that he can't wait to celebrate with me. The fact that he texted instead of calling me back isn't a great sign. He also didn't explain why he forgot. I texted back and asked when that in person celebration would be and noted that his work schedule didn't seem to be letting up. It's now been almost 12 hours and he has not responded. He always responds in a timely manner.

 

He's said things to me that you shouldn't say to someone unless you mean it while asking me to look him in the eye - which is sacred to me. I wish I could just tell him how hurt I am that he hasn't been able to deliver and hasn't reassured me like he promised. But alas, what's that going to accomplish. Im sure he knows that he isn't putting in what he should. I just hate to think everything he told me was lip service because my gut tells me its genuine. I'm not going to contact him anymore. It's in his court. I'm ready to let go. So that's the bigger story. Thanks for listening.

Edited September 16, 2013 by kiley22

[MidwestUSA]

He's said things you shouldn't say unless you mean it......oh honey, believe me, I know. Not everyone is on the same wavelength as us. Right now I'm going thru it with my husband, something he promised would NEVER happen again, and it did. ARGH, frustrating.

 

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It sounds as if his intent to keep up with you was sincere (at first) but his schedule just did not allow it. OR, and I'm leaning this way, he said things he thought he meant, then reneged (or his interest waned). It does sound like it would be a difficult relationship to keep up, not only due to distance, but his schedule. Yes, a phone call vs a text would have been nice. I suspect he was pretty deliberate about 'covering' your birthday not once, but twice, in advance, and didn't feel he owed you any explanation as to why he forgot on the actual day. I've learned over my years that not everyone lends the same degree of importance to birthdays. (I've got one that's close to Christmas, so have learned to deal with it being just another day)

 

 

You are doing the absolute right thing. You've made your attempts at contact, now let it go. I know it hurts. Maybe things will change down the road, but if not, be grateful you got a glimpse of his true colors now.

 

 

(As for the insight thing, it's a case of the blood levels of caffeine and nicotine lining up just perfectly with a certain phase of the moon. ) Smile. . And happy belated birthday!

[Skyraider829]

Wow. A three month LDR? And he was what, two days late in wishing you a happy birthday?

 

Sorry, but this is a little too much. Its only three months in, and its long distance. Seriously?

[kiley22]

Wow. A three month LDR? And he was what, two days late in wishing you a happy birthday?

 

Sorry, but this is a little too much. Its only three months in, and its long distance. Seriously?

 

Chill out.. that's why I'm here asking for thoughts. And no, he wasn't two days late. I totally would have been fine if he was late with it. He knew it was coming up but didn't acknowledge it on the day or long after it passed.

[kiley22]

He's said things you shouldn't say unless you mean it......oh honey, believe me, I know. Not everyone is on the same wavelength as us. Right now I'm going thru it with my husband, something he promised would NEVER happen again, and it did. ARGH, frustrating.

 

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It sounds as if his intent to keep up with you was sincere (at first) but his schedule just did not allow it. OR, and I'm leaning this way, he said things he thought he meant, then reneged (or his interest waned). It does sound like it would be a difficult relationship to keep up, not only due to distance, but his schedule. Yes, a phone call vs a text would have been nice. I suspect he was pretty deliberate about 'covering' your birthday not once, but twice, in advance, and didn't feel he owed you any explanation as to why he forgot on the actual day. I've learned over my years that not everyone lends the same degree of importance to birthdays. (I've got one that's close to Christmas, so have learned to deal with it being just another day)

 

 

You are doing the absolute right thing. You've made your attempts at contact, now let it go. I know it hurts. Maybe things will change down the road, but if not, be grateful you got a glimpse of his true colors now.

 

 

(As for the insight thing, it's a case of the blood levels of caffeine and nicotine lining up just perfectly with a certain phase of the moon. ) Smile. . And happy belated birthday!

 

Thank you for your words – they are really comforting and I agree with your analysis of his actions. We both recognized it was going to be hard and I made sure to address all my concerns with him before I went forward. He was so convincing when he told me he was going to fight for it. He talked about how no matter how busy someone is they could find 5 minutes out of the day to call someone they cared about. He said that he would give me all the reassurance I needed. He told me not all guys are bad and that I could trust him to make this work. If all that can just disappear so easily, if he can just go back on his words, I don’t what to believe in anymore. I'll keep you posted on what happens. But yes, I won't contact him anymore.

 

 

 

Caffeine + nicotine + moon phase = the perfect storm!

[ltjg45]

Happy Birthday for tomorrow.

 

I won't be contacting you on the day.

 

Happy Birthday to you tomorrow!

 

While I do appreciate it, I wish you didn't. All it does is make me even more depressed than before.

 

On either case, thank you nonetheless.