dumper vs dumpee -longterm. out of the box thinking

[hurts2death]

hi all my name is john as many of you read my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/420756-nothing-pains-much-nothing already know what happened to me for the rest long story short.

 

i was with a girl for 3 years we lived together more than a year we were super close an in love and in lust and in all you call -one- she dumped me less than a month ago probably due to gigs or her mother influencing her over my abilities to provide...

 

so we talk about her irresponsible behavior to our relationship.. in the end i was cool and gave her easy the break up but making sure politely what was i wanted(us).

 

so this hole event i experience for first time in my life made me learn the meanings of the words dumper and dumpee...

 

despite that when we first dated i learned that she dumped bf of 2 years because she got tired lazy etc and he threaten with suicide... that made me loose the respect for her 90% cause i didnt want such a dirty past behavior of the woman i was starting to believe will become my other half for life...

 

so people please tell us yous opinion out of the box as a third person on the subject-does it mater for the new partner if you have been dumped by someone or dumped someone cold without obvious reason just cause you got tired of a human?

 

my opinion as a third person is that sth like this in past behavior would hold me back attaching more to a girl.... because i believe as a third person that is wrong behavior....

 

-who cares

-doesnt matter

-its just over

 

those are opinions of people not wanting to have sth serious with a girl.. anyone on his mind will dig his her past to be sure and as he falls more and more he will need more to know....and i know she in a way doesnt care but the new lover before or while emotionaly investing will seek the truth ....

Edited September 15, 2013 by hurts2death

[Amelie1980]

I don't honestly understand what you're asking?!

[hurts2death]

if the dumper past is better or worst comparing to dumpee past///

 

and if a partner want sth serious of girl digs her past for sure... and if she is a dumper without a reason makes him hold back in a way...

 

and if the past is dead as many here say . after you break up it doesnt matter what the other party thinks or anything because you just broke up...

 

wouldnt you dig your new partner past if you really wanted him forever?

what would you think if he had dumped someone cause he got bored with no reason after years of a bond?

[nerdlingZA]

Don't understand the thread

[hurts2death]

ok i am sorry i try again..

 

who is in a worst position establishing a relationship after a break up the dumper or the dumpee?

 

who will look "bad"?

 

in a way not exactly

[Amelie1980]

ok i am sorry i try again..

 

who is in a worst position establishing a relationship after a break up the dumper or the dumpee?

 

who will look "bad"?

 

in a way not exactly

 

Nobody. if you keep the past the past.

[hurts2death]

but as i said . how can you avoid the past? if for example i date a new girl and find out she is a serial killer(soul killer) i will not attach much to her....

 

insticts work cant avoid them

[hurts2death]

skid mark wait

 

how we wont think at all .. can we erase years and years of relationship.intimate relationship real close one....?

i dont think so

 

i dont talk about month date or months relationship. i talk about years of emotional bond...

 

isnt it different..

 

you can have many of emotional love bonds that last half decade in a lifetime?

and if you have lets say max 3 wont you think of the past or relate to the current at all? the other party want ask to know about your past?

 

and there i ask what will be his impression if you have been dumper (without obvious reasons for gigs lets say) or dumpee....

[Brown-Eyez]

skid mark wait

 

how we wont think at all .. can we erase years and years of relationship.intimate relationship real close one....?

i dont think so

 

i dont talk about month date or months relationship. i talk about years of emotional bond...

 

isnt it different..

 

you can have many of emotional love bonds that last half decade in a lifetime?

and if you have lets say max 3 wont you think of the past or relate to the current at all? the other party want ask to know about your past?

 

and there i ask what will be his impression if you have been dumper (without obvious reasons for gigs lets say) or dumpee....

 

yes, past behavior can predict future behavior..to a point

 

if someone has always been dumped in their past relationships then they may just keep setting themselves up to be dumped in their future ones too..

 

if someone has always been the dumper in their past relationships then they may just continue to be the ones who bail first in their future ones too..

 

the only way to get around this cycle is if you learn that they have gotten counseling to figure out why this trend has been their pattern

 

but other than the always trend, you cannot predict what someone's gonna do..

[hurts2death]

what the family circle gonna say? or what the new bf gf wanna think?

 

its a hole influence the past ..and its bigger i believe for the dumper..

 

so yes ofcourse you can not predict but statistically speaking if a girl dumped 3 guys total 9 year rl just cause she got bored and the new one founds out he will be cautius for sure unless he is stupid,

 

i dont know any more inputs?

[hurts2death]

because when you fall for someone and wnat to be with him forever you want reasurance and security the more you fall and love the more security you ask even if you play it cool...you seem to be in a different civil in my country you cant just be with so many partners or you will be treated like trash by comunity and religion...i am opened minded but i cant just vaporise the comunity if i could it would be great..regarding my ex decision to leave me there are not always sure about it. it is ego drive them many times... and they regret,, i dont hope on anything i am just saying

Your are 24 years old and do not know / have the life experience to know what you are talking about.

 

I have been in several LTRs that were longer than you and your Ex together. All of my Exes have fallen in love, married with kids. They do not miss me or long for me... In fact, they are thankful that we broke up.

 

My Dad was married 20+ years to my mother before she passed away from cancer. He has since remarried and that is going on 20+ years now. He is very much in love and happy with my step-mom.

 

 

 

No. In time, you will not care, think or hardly remember your Ex.

 

 

 

Your Ex doesn't have that bond. She is relieved and happy with her decision. Why is that? She decided her life is better without you in it.

 

 

 

Dating / Relationships is a PROCESS that we all go through.

 

You dated / were in a relationship with a girl that didn't work out. You think you are the only person who has had that happen to them?

 

 

 

Who cares and what does being a dumper or dumpee have to do with anything?

 

I date and while I am dating them... I "verify" they aren't "fresh" out of a relationship, there are no Exes hanging around and there is no unresolved feelings for someone else.

[hurts2death]

skid mark you disrespect me..

cause i am 24 year old means i dont value to talk? lol

 

no i mean genral in a relationship about the security..

 

and what about ethics.. how can some people switch people then what makes it so unique?

 

if you can just switch many its like brushing your teeth

 

no?

[hurts2death]

skid mark

i am speechless.

 

you are very logical and correct in all and thank you a lot for the long answer you gave

 

all these you say are the same for a rl that lasted a year and a rl that lasted 10 years?

[hurts2death]

skid mark why movies poems adverts myths stories raises us to believe in one true love ?

you seem well educated on the subject

-john

It does not matter.

 

If someone breaks up with you, divorces you or you become a widower... You start back over going through the PROCESS.

[Viro12]

What I realized over the past several days is this:

 

You can put so much work and time into a relationship up and into marriage: All of it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't feel the same way as you

 

Of course when choosing a marriage partner, I perfer to choose someone with a strong sense of responsibility to hold the family together. So that when the spark is gone, they won't be so immature to search for their next love.

 

There is no mistakes and no apologizing in love, it wasn't his/her mistake to dump you when the love is gone. It wasn't his/her fault to invest so much time into a relationship because like what Skid Mark said, "It was real at the time for them".

 

You can't make the other person love you, you also can't make the other person responsible for the amount of time put in. Break ups happen it's what happens in life.

 

GIGS is a natural way of life. People have the freedom to pursue happiness. Take your lessons and broken pieces and love harder, smarter for your next love. Genetically, we're just programmed to love and have sex with multiple partners in our life for the continuation of our species.

 

What love and monogamy is fighting that natural instinct.

 

 

No break up is wrong. Take it and walk towards a better life. No one is at fault.

[tinker683]

skid mark why movies poems adverts myths stories raises us to believe in one true love ?

you seem well educated on the subject

-john

 

Because people are idealistic and/or romantic. Just because the idea of one true love is a very sweet, kind, and comforting doesn't make it a reality though.

 

I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: People can fall in love with someone that they can spend most, not not a large chunk, of their life with. The truth though is that while sometimes find this person outright, others have to go through the process.

Edited September 15, 2013 by tinker683

[hurts2death]

we get some really nice points here,

 

very interesting conversation ....

[travelonic]

No break up is wrong..

 

Well, maybe I am being literal, but I *personally* wouldn't go that far - I mean, I can think of a reason or two, but then again right or wrong really is subjective.

[Viro12]

Because people are idealistic and/or romantic. Just because the idea of one true love is a very sweet, kind, and comforting doesn't make it a reality though.

 

I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: People can fall in love with someone that they can spend most, not not a large chunk, of their life with. The truth though is that while sometimes find this person outright, others have to go through the process.

 

That's why there's the whole talk on true love, mature love. It's a mechanism that accepts the other person's flaws and keep the spark going. It's what we use to keep ourselves from getting bored and feeling resentment. In a way it's taking responsibility for the other person's feelings. It's also teaches us to be happy with what we have.

 

I know what we are programmed to do is have sex with every attractive partner we see. However, we do get the spiritual, cognitive enjoyment out of making love last. If you can be happy with a smile and your knowledge of your partner's love for you, then you are bound to eventually meet someone and have a really rewarding relationship that'll last most of your life time until you think you're too old and lazy to find a new partner . This is what makes us humans, this is what the kind of mental state we should all try to pursue in our lives.

[Viro12]

Well, maybe I am being literal, but I *personally* wouldn't go that far - I mean, I can think of a reason or two, but then again right or wrong really is subjective.

 

What's wrong is our subjective experience and regret after.

[tinker683]

That's why there's the whole talk on true love, mature love. It's a mechanism that accepts the other person's flaws and keep the spark going. It's what we use to keep ourselves from getting bored and feeling resentment. In a way it's taking responsibility for the other person's feelings. It's also teaches us to be happy with what we have.

 

I know what we are programmed to do is have sex with every attractive partner we see. However, we do get the spiritual, cognitive enjoyment out of making love last. If you can be happy with a smile and your knowledge of your partner's love for you, then you are bound to eventually meet someone and have a really rewarding relationship that'll last most of your life time until you think you're too old and lazy to find a new partner . This is what makes us humans, this is what the kind of mental state we should all try to pursue in our lives.

 

I think you might be simplfying things a bit but basically, yeah.

 

Something I'd like to add: While it's true that dating is a process and such, I don't feel it's fair or wrong to suggest that someone shouldn't feel wronged when someone cheats on them or when someone promises you commitment or something and they lie to you, manipulate you, abuse you, etc..

 

No, you're not married, but you do proceed forward as if things are moving forward, especially when the other party tells you as much.

 

And when they decide that they don't want to do that anymore with little to no justification...I don't feel it's unfair to feel hurt and angry by that. I think that's a perfectly normal human reaction.

 

BUT! BUT!!

 

If that's the choice they've made then thats the choice they've made and *YOU* have to make the choice to picking yourself up and moving on with your life without them.

[Viro12]

I think you might be simplfying things a bit but basically, yeah.

 

Something I'd like to add: While it's true that dating is a process and such, I don't feel it's fair or wrong to suggest that someone shouldn't feel wronged when someone cheats on them or when someone promises you commitment or something and they lie to you, manipulate you, abuse you, etc..

 

No, you're not married, but you do proceed forward as if things are moving forward, especially when the other party tells you as much.

 

And when they decide that they don't want to do that anymore with little to no justification...I don't feel it's unfair to feel hurt and angry by that. I think that's a perfectly normal human reaction.

 

BUT! BUT!!

 

If that's the choice they've made then thats the choice they've made and *YOU* have to make the choice to picking yourself up and moving on with your life without them.

 

Of course what you say is absolutely 100 percent correct. We are natural to feel wronged. It's what we are. But objectively, after you moved on, it's ok to view break ups objectively as there's no wrongs. If you still care about the right and wrongs of a relationship after that, then you haven't moved on entirely. It doesn't hurt to brainwash urself after break up to view the event objectively to help you get through it though.

[tinker683]

Of course what you say is absolutely 100 percent correct. We are natural to feel wronged. It's what we are. But objectively, after you moved on, it's ok to view break ups objectively as there's no wrongs. If you still care about the right and wrongs of a relationship after that, then you haven't moved on entirely. It doesn't hurt to brainwash urself after break up to view the event objectively to help you get through it though.

 

I agree completely.

 

This is why, while I've largely gotten on with my life, I still don't talk to her or come near her. I'm not over her or the situation.

 

It's sucks, but that's life! You live, learn, and grow.

[LostOne1]

John, you should listen very closely to what Skid Mark is saying.

 

Most people understand that there is no such thing as a one true love. That there are multiple true loves in your life, and one might go the distance, whilst others have a definite end point. Almost all people accept that the people that they date would have had multiple relationships and probably been dumped and done the dumping somewhere along the way. Most people accept that dating is a process of trial and error and dumb luck. And the really good people in the world do not care about a person's past and instead, embrace them for the person that they are and don't hold their past against them.

 

Considering that you have made snide (rude) remarks about your girlfriend's appearance and her past, I would suggest that you need to radically change the way toy look at women and relationships, because your compass is way off. This is where COUNSELLING would be of excellent benefit to you.

He just needs time.. the thing is it seems like it's his 1st real break up. And we all have been there and know it is the hardest of all.

 

He with due time will see how lame he is acting right now. He will grow more mature in dating as most of us have with time. And he will see things differently.

 

I know how he feels and all I know is that time will show him how over emotional he is acting. That's only because he hasn't gone through this cycle yet.

[hurts2death]

you seem to know how i feel....

well the pain is unbearable and the logical part says why we split up? there was nth enough to split up? so a part of me doesnt yet have answers except of gigs and slightly falling out of love....

 

i know it doesnt matter...

 

i wish i knew you before the RL i would have been so more ready(actually i might not have failed i believe)

 

i am not being lame i am talking about a persons real past and real actions i am not faking any of it i m speaking the truth,....

 

when you feel close with someone and you are together 3 years you dont just drop your partner at least without an honest talk...it seems weird still for me.. and what skid mark said is true.. she USED to give her self emotionaly and physicaly so yes TIME changed that.. but how comes time change sth that serious so soon?now some of you will say she checked out earlier than the break up but i dont think its the case even if she is a dumper. i believe she was walking on the edge and the last days did the jumb....

 

if i could only see the answers of my quastions i would feel so much better....

why on earth -i mean really now it must be sth wrong with me...because i could never abandon my teamate my partner! why whats wrong with me?

even if she split with me i would go to find her after years .. sth inside me is not correct educated on the subject or i am intereferring with total wrong woman....

 

now i keep trying to heal..

 

i just got another panic attack and tears seemed to be even more controllable...

 

thank you all. you really give a persepective to the hole process i get through..

really nobody would have placed me better.

 

-john